Title: Sweet sorrow
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.sec )
Rating: PG-13
Category: DSR, AU, V, angst
Spoiler: This is not happening
Archive: Where ever..Just let me know where
Feedback: Yes, PLEASE:...j_rothen@yahoo.se
Summary: Mulder has been found dead and he stays dead ;)...Scully 
finds comfort in another man's arms.
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine.
Note: In this universe there is no William and Mulder stays dead.
English is not my first language so spelling/grammar 
mistakes may occur
I would like to say thank you to Donna for helping me out..You're my
hero :)

"I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key
Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is all right
And I do believe."
( From "I shall believe" by Sheryl Crow )

---------------------------------------

Sweet sorrow
by: Jessica

My hands tremble a bite as I turn the key to his apartment.
I haven't been here for a while. 
I have tried. I have even found myself outside the door to his 
apartment building. 
But I have never been able to step inside his home.
Until now. 
They have asked me to take care of his things. 
There is no one else that would. 
My heart aches as I open the door and step inside. 
I stand there in the
doorway and let the memories wash over me. 
So many memories. 
So many smiles. 
So much pain. 
So much darkness. 
I close the door behind me and walk into his living room. 
His presence is with me. 
I stop in the middle of the room and I just stand there. 
I can almost feel him. It's amazing. I want to say something. I close
my eyes and I pray that he'll be standing right in front of me when 
I open my eyes again.
Pain strikes and strikes hard as I open my eyes and find myself all
alone. It is foolish to ever believe that.....
I turn towards his desk. I run my hand against its smooth surface. 
I smile as I turn towards the coach. I remember all the talks we have
had on that coach. I remember the time he cried in my arms. It
was the first time I have ever seen him cry. 
I remember the laughter. 
No, it has all come to an end. I know that it would come to this 
eventually.
But not like this.
Not this soon.
********************
I watch her from the corner of my eye. She looks sad. Her eyes have
lost the shine they once had. 
I wish I could ease her pain somehow. 
I want to reach inside her heart
and take away all the sorrow and pain that hold it down. 
But I can't. I can't save her this time. 
I remember the night we found him. 
I remember it like it was yesterday.
Her scream sent a chill down the spine of all the officers that heard
it that night. Her eyes were wild as she ran towards him. 
I tried to stop her. Believe me, I tried. But not even wild horses 
could keep her away from him, and I was foolish to even try. 
I just stood there watching as she kneeled down beside him and said 
his name. I tried to tell her that there was nothing more we could 
do. But she refused to believe that. She wanted to save him. She 
wanted to bring him back from the dead. She failed.
Seeing her fail in that mission was more than my heart could bear. 
I wanted to put my arms around her and let her know that I cared.
But I was to scared.
All I could bring myself to do was to be near her, to watch over her.
*************************
He comes to me in my dreams. He graces me with his presence just 
before the morning light pierce through my dreams. I can never see
his face but I know that he's there. He calms my beating heart and 
I wake with the feeling of peace. 
I know that it's time for me to let him go. I have told myself time
and time again that I would be better off letting him go. But still
I found myself clinging to memories. 
I guess it's my heart that finds it hard to let go. 
I visit his grave as often as I can. I even talk to him sometimes. I
tell him about my day and I tell him that I miss him. People might 
find me mad but I find it peaceful to talk to him like that. 
He's still a big part of me and nothing can change that.
**********************'*****
I fear that she's fading away. I have found her sitting starring into
space. I don't know what to do. I want to run to her side and shake
her hard. Sometimes I just want to scream out loud. 
But I'm not allowed. It's not my place. 
I know that we're partners. 
But she doesn't let me closer than that. 
She keeps me at an arms distance. 
Maybe I should be content with that. But still I have found myself 
longing for something else. 
Something I fear naming.
*****************************
I can feel him watching me. I know that he means well. I know that he
wants me to confide in him. 
But I can't. 
Not about this. 
How do you put sorrow into words? 
He's there for me. That is one thing I can cling to. He never says 
anything and I'm content with that. 
Others have tried to show me how sorry they are. 
But their words seems shallow somehow.
How can they know my pain? 
But he stayed with me. He stayed by my side, never intruding. I feel 
so safe when he's around. I'll know that he will never ever let 
anything harm me.
He's my angel.
********************* 
I don't know why I have come. 
I tremble a bit as I knock on his door.
I know that I shouldn't be here.
But I don't know who else that I can turn to.
I came to be held.
I came to find a shoulder to cry on.
Nightmares had woken me up.
Memories kept chasing me around.
Now I'm here looking for comfort.
Someone to kill the pain that eats at my heart.
Someone to fill this empty hole inside of me.
He appears in the doorway.
His hair is in a mess.
Tired eyes.
He rubs his eyes and says my name.
I say his name and let myself fall into his arms.
He catches me.
He always catches me.
Savior.
Hero.
He lifts me up on strong arms and carries me inside
his house.
He lays me down on his bed without saying a word.
He wraps a blanket around me.
It's still warm after his body.
Tired.
I want to sleep forever.
Safe.
I close my eyes and surrender to sweet release of
my dreams.
*****************************
She's sleeping now.
I sit down on a chair by the bed.
I can't take my eyes away from this angel.
I don't know why she has come.
But I don't want to ask.
There is no need for questions.
I could spend forever just sitting here 
watching her.
My hands scream out to touch her.
I lay down beside her on the bed.
My heart trembles in my chest as she moves 
closer to me.
I want to reach out and take her in my arms
but I fear that I'll wake her.
I reach out my hand and stroke her cheek.
Her skin is soft under my hand.
I whisper into the dark:
"Sleep well, angel."
Then I close my eyes and let my dreams
take me away.
*****************************************
Danger was upon her. 
She could hear him screaming, calling her name.
I woke with a scream still lingering in my mind.
I sat up. 
My body was covered in sweat.
"Dana....Scully, what's wrong?"
John.
He was beside me.
Hand on my shoulder.
"Bad dream"
It's still dark outside.
"Want to talk?"
"No."
I rise from the bed wanting to get the dream out
of my head.
"Want to tell me why you came?"
I turn to him.
"Do you want me to leave?"
"No, of course not."
He rises and walks up to me.
His eyes study me and it feels like he can read
what I'm thinking.
"I had a dream about Mulder. He was calling my name."
"Oh...Scully..."
"I was looking for him. It was so dark...I couldn't find him...
So dark."
He takes me in his arms without saying a word.
I bury my nose in his shirt.
His scent makes my mind blurry.
He strokes my hair, calming my heart.
"You shouldn't blame yourself for what happen to Mulder."
"I should have gone with him."
"Don't do this to yourself."
"I should have been there for him. I should have saved him."
"Don't say that. You did everything in your power to save him."
"And I failed..."
Tears mark my face as I break free from him. 
He frames my face between his hands and makes me look at him.
"Please, don't cry. You're the strongest and bravest person I know.
You'll get through this."
"I don't know if I can."
"Yes you can."
He wipes away my tears with his finger.
"I'll be there for you."
"Thank you."
God, she's beautiful.
I know that I should let go. 
But I can't.
I want her.
I need her.
I lowered my mouth to hers wanting to taste her.
My mind went blank as soon as my lips touched hers.
She didn't object. 
She didn't move away.
I ran my tongue, tracing her lips, inviting her 
to let me in. 
A sigh escaped from her lips as she finally surrendered 
to me and let me in.
She tasted like heaven. 
As our tongues met all sanity was lost.
I kissed her with all the passion that was inside of me.
Hands searching.
Touching.
Feeling.
Living.
I tore at her clothes wanting everything at once.
Her hand against my chest.
Lost in emotions.
I pulled her closer. 
She tore at my clothes.
Naked. 
She gasped for air as our naked bodies met.
Her skin seemed to glow in the dark.
We moved to the bed hardly breaking the kiss.
I wanted to taste everything.
Feel everything.
I wanted to etch every part of her in my memory.
We fell.
Falling.
Bodies melting.
Aching for her touch.
Wanting to be inside her.
Her eyes were dark as I parted her legs.
She trembled as I touched the center of her being.
Her hands on my body made me tremble inside.
Searching.
Touching.
Exploring.
Somewhere along the way secrets of my heart were 
unlocked and I whispered words of love.
All reason went out the window as her hands went
down, down, down.
Losing control.
I couldn't take this anymore.
I entered her with a sigh.
She reached for me, wanting me closer.
We melted together. 
Our bodies were on fire. 
Burning hot.
She was all around me.
Occupying every sense.
We reached ecstasy at the same time and
we fell.
Time and room stopped existing.
*****************************
The morning sun woke me.
I could still taste him.
He was sleeping beside me.
His arm was wrapped around me.
A part of me wanted to move closer to him and forget 
the world for a while in the warmth of his body.

I had failed.
I had lost control.
I was weak.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
It's wrong.
Doubt started to eat at my soul.
Mistake.
Panic struck and struck hard.
I couldn't breathe.
I needed to get as far away as possible.
Fear. 
Afraid.
So I ran.
Runaway.
********************************
An empty space beside me woke me.
My bed felt so cold after she had left it.
I rose from the bed, wanting to find her.
She was gone.
The house was still.
The morning sun shines in through the window.
Pain.
I closed my eyes in a weak attempt to
shut it out.
I could still taste her. 
I could still feel her hands on my body.
I have to believe that she will come back to me.
Doubting.
I refuse to surrender.
I shall believe.
She will come back to me.
***********************************
I drove to the cemetery.
His grave.
Talking to a tombstone.
I needed answers.
I stood there starring, searching for something to say.
I had betrayed him.
Lost.
Stumbling through life.
Which path should I choose?
So many question.
No answers were given.
So I took the easiest path.
****************************'
She came that evening to tell me what I already knew.
I wasn't the one she wanted. 
She was standing in the middle of my living room. 
Her eyes were dark as she spoke.
"I came to tell you..."
All I wanted to do was to run and take her into my arms.
I moved closer to her. 
But she moved away from me.
I could read the truth in her eyes. 
"You don't have to.."
I don't want to hurt him. But I don't know how to avoid it.
Pain. Pain paints his eyes in dark colours.
"I just can't. Please, understand. It's nothing to do with you. 
It's me."
"Don't!Please, don't."
"I love him. I have always loved him and 
I don't think that I can ever
love another the way I loved him. After he died I..."
"You came to me."
"I needed someone."
"And I just happened to be there."
"That didn't come out right."
His face turned to stone in a second.
"Please, leave.."
"John..."
I was losing him and there was nothing I could do to stop it from 
happening.
"I need you to leave."
He turned away from me and walked up to the window. I stood there for
a while starring at his back searching for words to mend his heart.
But I found none. 
My heart ached as I walked towards the door and opened it. I took 
one last look at him before I closed the door. But he refused to look
at me. 
***************************
I felt like a fool, giving my heart like that.
I stood there watching her drive away. 
Her words still screamed in my ears. 
They ate at my soul.
I was nothing to her. 
I never thought she could hurt me like she did.
She broke my heart.
I was foolish to ever think that I could win her heart. 
She never gave her heart.
I never touched her heart.
I couldn't make her love me.
She couldn't make her heart feel something it won't. 
I wanted to hate her. 
But I couldn't. 
I could never do that. 
God, knows that I love her.
It wasn't fair. 
But I would be strong.
I just hoped that I would find the strength to 
drive her out of my heart.
**************************** 
I went to her searching for answers to questions. 
I wanted her to tell me that I had done the right thing.
But she unlocked my heart and found the truth.
"He wanted me. He wanted me despite all my faults. 
He gave me love and I......"
"Dana, you shouldn't blame yourself."
"But you don't understand. I was afraid."
"Of what?"
"Afraid of everything. Life, love, and friendship
...oh, I don't know. 
All I know that I let him slip away."
"Go to him."
"It's too late now. He hates me."
"He could never do that."
"I could never stand him hating me."
"Go to him and tell him what's in your heart."
"I'm afraid."
Maggie Scully walked up to her daughter and took her hand. 
"Your the bravest person I know. Just tell him the truth."
"But what if he doesn't want me? What if he doesn't believe me?"
"Than make him believe..."
"I don't know if I can."
"Yes, you can. Sometimes you just have to jump."
I look in to my mother's eyes and I can see a love that can move 
mountains. I want to believe her words but fear has a hold 
of my heart.
Fear of rejection, fear of pain. 
I move away from her. I know that
she can read me like an open book.
"Dana..."
"Oh, Mom...I fear that I have lost him forever."
"No, he loves you. You have to believe."
"But..."
She takes me in her arms and whispers in my ear:
"You have to welcome love with open arms otherwise you will lose it
forever. You have to trust what's in you heart....Go to him and tell
him the truth. Make him see what's in your heart."
I want to believe.
***************************
My heart was racing in my chest as I walked the path to his house.
Fear had a hold of my heart as I stood there outside his door.
I had come to win his heart.
I had come to give him my love.
What if it was too late?
His face flashed before my eyes.
I have hurt him.
What if he hated me?
Suddenly he appeared in the doorway.
He was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.
My mind went blank as our eyes met.
I could still feel his hands on me.
I could still taste him on my lips.
Crazy.
"Can I come in?"
He nodded his head and let me come inside. He showed me into his
living room.
It was time to enter the battlefield and fight for my love.
But I was scared.
I wanted to beg him for forgiveness. 
I wanted to run into his arms. 
What if I was too late?
"Why are you here, Dana?"
He was the only one beside my mother that calls me Dana.
I turned to him. Our eyes met and I shivered.
"I came here to explain."
"You don't have to. I understand."
"No, you don't. I want to explain."
"Please, don't. You made it clear the last time you were here."
"I was wrong."
His eyes were dark as he moved closer.
"You lie."
"I never thought such a wonderful thing could happen twice. I refused
to let anyone inside. I thought I was strong enough to make it on
my own. I was wrong."
"Don't do this."
He turned away from me.
I reached out my hand but he avoided it.
"I love you, John."
He walked up to the window and starred out into the dark night.
Silence.
He spoke first.
"I keep imagining this scene in my head.."
I moved closer to him, wanting to hold him. 
In my ear a voice was screaming that I was too late.
I refused to listen.
"How does it end?"
"I walk away from you..."
"John..."
"You made me fall in love with you.."
"John, I love you."
He turned around and looked at me. 
"I can't. I just can't. You broke my heart. I gave you my love and
you tossed it aside like it was nothing."
"Please, John. I was wrong. I was scared. Give me another chance."
"I can't. I can't bear another heartache. I could lay down my life
for you, Dana. I loved you. You will never know how much."
"Please....I love you."
I was standing in front of the man that I love bleeding for my heart.
I was loosing this battle.
Tears made my sight blurry as I moved closer to him. 
I reached out my hand and touched his arm. 
He moved away from me.
"I can't do this. I'm a coward. I have had too much heartache to last
me two lifetimes."
"I love you. I have never loved another the way I love you. 
I want to be with you. You have my heart. 
You are everything that I'm. I know
it in my heart that we belong together."
"I wish I could believe you."
Pain ate my heart as I looked at him. 
"So you push me away, just like that?"
"Yes. I'm saving my life."
I couldn't breath. 
I couldn't move.
He turned away from me.
I stood there starring at him. 
I had lost.
"Please, leave."
Once again I was down on my knees.
I moved towards the door.
Should a broken heart be beating?
Bleeding inside.
I lingered in the doorway to the living room.
Not wanting to leave just yet.
His silence hurt more than I thought was possible.
"No. One thing. I told you the truth today. 
I have never lied to you."
Silence.
Pain.
I was crying.
"You have my heart."
Then I walked away from him.
*******************************************
I kept seeing her face when she stood in front of me pleading
for her heart.
I couldn't sleep.
Her face was before me.
Haunting me.
Chasing me.

The moon was my only company as I laid down on my 
bed trying to sleep.
Alone.
The silence of the house ate at my heart.
Alone.
It was better that way.
Yearning to be near her.
I would do what it takes to drive her out of my heart.
I could survive without her.
But I didn't know how to let her go.
Why couldn't I get her out of my head?
I was hollow inside when she had left me.
It was better that way, I said.
I could live without love.

***************************************
I shivered as I turned the key and walked inside my apartment.
Loneliness struck me and struck me hard.
I moved to the bedroom. 
I undressed in the moonlight. 
Cold. 
I missed the warmth of his body beside mine in the bed.
God, it hurt.
I slipped under the covers, trying to get warm.
But there was nothing that could warm my body.
I closed my eyes and prayed to god to ease my pain.
John.
His face was before me.
Haunting.
Yearning to be close to him.
I couldn't breathe.
It hurt so. 
I wanted him by my side.
I loved having him by my side.
I loved his smile.
I loved the way his voice make me tremble inside.
I loved the power he had over me.
He was the only one for me.
There was so much I wanted to tell him.
But it was no use.
The moon filled the room. 
I opened my eyes and watched as the moon painted the room in
beautiful colours.
God, it hurt.
I surrendered my heart and prayed that I would survive.
Tomorrow I would do what was right.
Just give me till then to stop fighting.
****************************************
One week later
I was sitting at my desk, lost in some case file when 
Walter Skinner found me.
"I have heard you where leaving us, Agent Doggett."
I looked up as he entered my office.
"Sir?"
"I heard it this morning."
"Won't you sit down?"
Walter Skinner sat down in a chair by my desk. 
"So why are you leaving, Agent Doggett?"
"I'm not leaving. Who said I was?"
"Reassignment...It doesn't sound like you."
"I have talked to Kersh. He doesn't object."
"Why?"
"My work here is done. I have done what I set out to do."
"And what's that?"
"Find Mulder."
"What does Scully say about it?"
I turned away from his eyes. 
"We have an understanding."
"It doesn't look like that to me."
"What do you mean?"
"She's hurting, Agent Doggett."
"I don't know what you mean."
"I don't know what is going on between the two of you. But I'll say 
one thing. I have known Agent Scully for a long time now and I have
never seen her like this. So I suggest that you go to her and fix
whatever is between the two of you."
"There's nothing between us and there never will be."
"Then why are you leaving?"
He turned to Skinner and looked his straight into his eyes.
"I'm not leaving."
"It looks to me like you're running away."
"You're wrong. You don't know..."
"No I don't know. But I know that she's miserable without you.
And you are miserable without her."
"Stop it! Why do you do this?"
I rose from my chair. His words hurt me more than I thought 
was possible. 
"I hate seeing the two of you like this..."
"There's nothing you can do."
"So you'll give up."
"I'm not giving up. She made it clear. She was the one that doesn't
want..."
"She didn't want you?"
"Yes".
"Then why does she walk around the halls looking like someone stole
the sun from her sky."
"I don't know."
Memories flashed before my eyes.
I had managed to stay away from her. I don't know how I did it.
But it was a matter of survival.
"Yes, you do."
"Okay. I told her I loved her."
"And she didn't feel the same?"
"She came to me...The day after...Saying that she was still in love
with him...That I was someone she needed for the moment."
"What did you say?"
"Nothing. She made it clear."
"But she returned the next day..."
"Why?"
"She claims that she loves me."
"Claims? What do you mean?"
"She lies."
"Why would she lie?"
"She doesn't want me! Can't we just leave it at that?"
Pain ate at my heart as I started to roam through the office.
I wanted to put it all behind me.
Doubt started to build in my chest and that scared me.
"How can you be sure?"
"I'm sure."
"She is in love with you."
"Don't say that!!"
"It's the truth. I can see it in her eyes."
"You lie."
"No. She loves you.."
"No! NO! NO!"
"Go to her! There is still time."
"NO!"
"Why?"
I stopped and looked at Walter Skinner. 
"SHE BROKE MY HEART!"
My voice seemed to echo in the little office.
"So now you'll punish her by pushing her away."
I starred at him searching for answers. 
But I found none.
"To push love away should be labeled as a crime. It's a blessing to 
fall in love twice. She gave you her heart. Her most precious 
belonging. That's a wonderful gift."
He rose from the chair and looked at me.
I couldn't speak. 
Lost.
Confused.
"It's still time.....She loves you, you know."
Then he walked out of the office.
************************************
I got the news today.
He is leaving.
He is giving up.
There is nothing more I can say.
I can't change his mind.
How can I ever make him believe me?
I rise from the couch.
I haven't seen him since I walked out
of his house that horrible evening.
He stays away.
I wonder if he ever thinks about me.
Does he hate me?
I could take anything but hate.
I feel so lost now when we're apart.
I have prayed.
God, I have prayed to bring him back 
to me.
My prayers remain unheard.
My arms ache for him.
I know that it's over. 
But still my heart still longs for him.
Needing him.
His body.
His mind.
His soul.
Foolish heart.
I don't know how to let go of him.
*******************************
My legs feel weak as I walk towards her building.
I have come to win her heart again.
I'm no longer afraid.
I can see clearly now. 
There will be no more heartache for me.
I will fight for her.
I know the truth now.
I love her.
I adore her.
I want her.
I'll never let go.
*************************
My heart skipped a beat when someone knocked on my door.
Hoping it might be him.
Fool.
I rise and open the door.
He stands before me.
John.
My love.
I had tried so hard to forget him. 
I had tried to shut him out of my heart.
I have failed.
Why he is here?
To torment me.
To hurt me.
I want to be strong.
I crumble as he says my name.
Foolish heart.
I let him into my home.
But I will be strong and keep
him out of my heart.
*****************************
She stands before me.
Pride glowing in her eyes.
She thinks that I don't notice the 
sorrow that lives there.
But I do.
I move closer.
My heart screams out to touch her.
Wanting to hold her.
"Why have you come here, John?"
I have practiced the speech a millions time over.
But I can't speak.
"Have you come to tell me that you're leaving?"
"I'm not leaving."
"Don't lie. I saw the papers. Reassignment."
"I'm not leaving."
"Then why are you here? To torment me? To hurt me? To break me?"
"I would never do that."
"You already have."
It never crossed my mind that I broke her heart when I pushed her
away. I was too wrapped up in my own sorrow to see that I was hurting
her. I wanted revenge.
"I'm sorry."
"Is that's the reason you came? To say sorry?"
"No."
I move closer. 
She doesn't move away. 
She is determent to put up a fight.
Her beauty takes me in and I crumble.
My heart is ready to burst in my chest.
I reach out my hand, wanting to touch her. 
But she moves away.
"Don't."
"Please, let me..."
"Let you what? Break my heart again?"
"I love you."
"Don't say that."
"Please, Scully...."
She turns to me. 
Anger and pain paints her eyes in different colours.
"I gave you my heart that night. I gave you myself totally and 
completely. But you turned it away. You didn't believe me."
"I was afraid. You had hurt me so when...."
"I guess we can share the blame for this..."
"Scully...."
"Can I trust you with my heart?"
"Scully..."
"Why are you here, John?"
My mind goes blank as our eyes meet.
"I forgot." 
She takes me.
Drawing me near.
Falling.
"I love you, Scully".
I lowered my mouth to hers.
Lost.
Needing to taste her again.
I whispered:
"Love me, Scully"
She trembled as our lips met.
I wrapped my arms around her.
I whispered my plead against her lips:
"Love me. Love me. Love me."
I will break through this wall around her heart.
I will win this.
She surrendered with a sigh and let my inside.
Tasting.
Searching.
Falling.
Loving.
As our bodies melted together I knew that the
victory was mine.
We parted.
She rested her head against my chest.
I stood there holding her.
"I love you, Dana."
My heart trembled in my chest as she whispered
those words I had longed for:
"I love you, John."
I smile.
I know one thing.
I'm home.
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