Loss

He turned the key, and pushed open the door. The sigh he released as he closed and locked it was a mixture of relief and disgust. " Days like this make me wonder why I do it." He removed his jacket, then his gun holster, his stance betraying his exhaustion. He hung the holster on the coat rack and turned away. Thinking better of it, he faced the holster again. Exhaling loudly, he opened the closet door, reached up to the top shelf, and removed the lock box. He unlocked it, and placed the gun in it's outlined cushion, after clearing the chamber. He double checked that the safety was on, then secured the box, returning it to the top shelf. He turned again, toward the kitchen, the smells making his stomach rumble. With a slight smile, he moved toward the delectable scents. And promptly tripped over a baseball bat. Righting himself, moments before falling, he swore loudly."Johnnie!", He yelled, sounding like his former Marine Drill Sargent. It wasn't Johnnie who answered.

"You bellowed ?", an attractive woman, late thirties walked in, bemused smile gracing her lovely face. John Doggett,new recruit to the FBI shot a look of mock anger at his wife."How many times do I have to tell him to pick up his bat?" John straightened his full height.

Amanda Doggett smiled. " How many times do I have to tell YOU to pick up your underwear off the floor? Like father like son."

John shot her a look that said,' You've got me there.' And took her into his arms. After a long, slow kiss, he held her close, hoping the warm, soft feel of her would erase the horrid memory from his mind. It did, until she spoke. Amanda pulled back slightly, studying his face, noting the haggard look." Want to talk about it,John?"

Shaking his head, John moved away as he spoke, not looking at her," No. Where's Johnnie?"

She nodded toward the living room. Faint sounds of electronic grunts and kicks could be heard." Where else? Are you sure you're ok, John? I know you must be under alot of pressure at work, being the new kid and all."

John uttered a dry laugh." Kid is a word no one's used to describe me in LONG time. I'm fine Mandy. The pressure isn't from being new. It's this damn case they put me on." He looked down at the floor for an instant. The image of the boy's body flashed through his mind. Doggett was not a man prone to showing much emotion. But seeing that child's body in the morgue,hearing what had been done, before the boy died....Same age as Johnnie flashed through his thoughts. He shuddered. "Mandy, honey, do me a favor. Don't let Johnnie walk home from school till we catch this guy, not even with his friends.Ok." It wasn't a request. He moved past Amanda, toward the living room.

"No, not ok! John! We can't live our lives in fear. Last night, you said none of the boys had been kidnapped from anywhere near here.Think of how it'll look to Johnnie's friends. His mom picking him up everyday, when he lives fifteen minutes from the school. I won't do that to him. He's having a difficult time already. New school, his dad being in the FBI... come on John! I remember when you used to say that I was over protective!" She took a deep breath, feeling guilty for unloading on him like that. She knew how hard this case was on him. Whenever it involved kids, John took a personal interest in the case. This time, more so.

John turned on his heel, a cold hard look fixed on his wife. He started to speak, then drew a deep calming breath. Years ago, before the anchor that was Amanda had entered his life; had calmed his soul, he would let his temper loose... until that one fateful night. The image flashed through his mind. He pushed it out. Never again. Composure ,John. His voice was calm, gentle," Mandy, you don't know what this guy does. He targets suburban areas, boys Johnnie's age", He pointed toward the living room," Honey, before he kills them..."

A look of revulsion, fear, crossed her face, she cut him off quickly." Stop it ,John. I can't... don't say another word. I don't WANT to know!"

John cursed himself mentally. He stepped closer to Mandy, rubbing her arms reassuringly,his voice gentle. " I'm sorry, babe. Look, until we catch the guy, please... please, keep a close eye on Johnnie. We just don't have enough on this guy for a clear MO. There is no telling where he could be. Or ,where he might strike.", John looked at his wife, pleading.

Mandy nodded slowly. " Alright... I'll talk to him."

John smiled, kissed her again. " So will I. It'll be ok, you'll see." He walked into the living room. Johnnie sat on the sofa, engrossed in the video game. John smiled at the memory of his son unwrapping his Christmas present. And The objections of his wife.

Alright Dad! Way ta go! Thanks! Wanna play?

Oh, John! Not that one! It's so violent!, she looked at father and son in resignation, clearly outnumbered, as they both grinned.

" Hi Dad! Wanna play?" Johnnie beamed up at his father, the admiration, and love clear as a sunny day.Johnnie moved over, hopeful.

John sat down, loosed his tie, rolled up his sleeves." Why not? I need to vent some frustration. And this is the best way to do it." He smiled at his son.

"Cool!" Johnnie reset the game, selecting the two player setting."I go first!"

"Best two out of three?" His dad replied."How's school, John? Your mom mentioned you're having a little trouble."

"Nothing I can't handle. A couplea the kids are being real jerks. Mitch called me Piglet today. Moron..." Johnnie pushed the buttons on the controller, a little more aggressive than before.

"Piglet?" John sounded confused.

"Because you're a cop. He followed me around all day making pig noises."

Too late John tried to stifle a snicker.He cleared his throat in an unsuccessful attempt to cover it "Sorry. What did you do?" He looked at the screen, trying not to laugh.

"DAD!", Johnnie started to laugh too."Just what you taught me to do. Don't worry, he's ok. And nobody saw me. You gonna tell Mom?" Johnnie looked worriedly at his father. Distracted, the game's villain won. "What? Wait a minute!"

John picked up his controller. " Ya snooze, ya lose." He winked at his son. " Nah, I won't tell ya mom. Just don't make a habit of it. It's one thing to defend yourself, it's another to go looking for trouble. A real man knows when to walk away, no matter what's being said. Don't rely on violence to solve your problems. Yo might regret it someday. Trust me, I know." The dreaded memory from years ago flashed through his mind again." I know..." he muttered, to soft for Johnnie to hear.

They stayed like that, playing and talking. John reflected on how good life was. How much he loved his family. Johnnie was far from happy at his dad's urging that he not walk home from school for awhile. But he reluctantly agreed. Johnnie went on about his day, baseball, asking when his dad would teach him more about pitching. A wave of guilt washed through John. He had promised to teach him last week, then this case was dropped in his lap. He didn't want to be the kind of dad that always said "Later". He promised to teach Johnnie this weekend, no exceptions.

Mandy stood in the doorway, watching, smiling. John Doggett could be the most stubborn,irritating man she knew. And,yet, life would be dull without him. And John Doggett ,Jr was the spitting image of his father.Heaven help me,she thought with a smile."I hate to interupt this display of the male need to kill, maime ,destroy, but dinner is served." The last said in a mocking formal tone.

John barely looked up, continuing to kill, maime, destroy." In a minute,Hon. We're almost there." His words accented with his exaggerated punching of the controller.

"Yeah, Mom, just a few more minutes. Whoa! Go, Dad!"

Mandy leaned close to John's ear, whispering too softly for their son to hear," If you don't come to the table right now,you don't get any "desert" later tonight." She smiled at him as he glanced at her, understanding dawning on him slowly. She nodded her head, 'that's right', written in her expression.

John stood up quickly." That's it for now ,Johnnie." Continuing on after Johnnie's ' awwww Daaadd', " You heard your mom. Let's eat. I'm starved." He glanced at his wife, voice dropping to a sensual whisper" In more ways than one." A seductive smile was the response he got as they made their way into the dining room.

Doggett walked into the FBI headquarters, the next morning, smiling from the memory of the night before.It was worth the lack of sleep. "Definitely a lucky man." He mumbled,grinning. Then turn red when greeted with a strange look from the man walking past. Doggett didn't remember the name, but saw AD.. something or other on the ID badge.The balding man looked at Doggett's ID badge.

" Can I help you with something, Agent... Doggett?"

Doggett tried to cover his embarrassment. " No, Sir. Just thinking out loud." Great way to make an impression,John.He looked at the ID again, the name was Skinner. The AD smiled slightly then walked away. Doggett made for the division set up for dealing with child abduction. He liked his work here with the Bureau, but he hated things he saw here everyday. Pushing Mandy from his mind, he focused on the day's work ahead.

"Mornin, guys. Anything new?" He took off his jacket, hanging on the hook.And hesitantly picked up the autopsy report.

The other agents greeted him. " Not yet." Special Agent Ken Church let out a frustrated sigh." I just don't get it.No clues, hell, no footprints. What is this guy? Or guys. We aren't even even sure it's just one person. You'd think after three bodies we'd have something."

Doggett sat down, glancing over the report. " Same MO as the others. Damn! I'll say one thing, he's careful, and smart.But sooner or later, he's gonna slip. And he does, we'll be there. Question is, how many more kids are gonna die first." He slapped the report down on the desk, rocking the chair. He studied the board, three smiling faces stared back from the photos there. He squeezed his eyes shut to push Johnnie's image from his mind. Mandy was right, he was getting too involved. " We've got to be missing SOMETHING."

Special Agent David Grayson spoke up, laughing," Maybe we should bring Spooky in on this one."

Church shot him a warning look. " Not funny. No way do I want Spooky on this case. He'll take over and claim it's an X File."

Doggett looked from one to the other." X File? Spooky? What the hell are you guys talking about?"

Church walked over, sitting on the edge of Doggett's desk, waving his coffe cup." Spooky Mulder. Also known as Special Agent Fox Mulder. He used to be hot stuff. Really sharp. Had a promising career here. Kinda like you do. Then he gets this case, an X File. It's short for unexplained cases, no solution, no real clues.Paranormal, ESP crap. It changed him...."

Grayson laughed," Yeah, that it did! The guy went of the deep end. Jumped actually.Now, he's all ' aliens are invading, mutants are real, there's a government coverup regarding aliens who kidnapped my sister' kinda crap. He'd say this case is aliens, or satan worshippers or hell, even Satan himself, doing these killings." Grayson laughed as he pointed at the board.

"Oh ,man! Keep this lunatic away from me.And he's still on the payroll? My taxes pay for this?You gotta be kiddin me." Doggett thought they might be stringing him along.

" Nope. He's for real. Sad thing is, his partner? Smart lady, a looker too. Well, he's got her believin this crap." Church looked at Grayson again, " So, we are NOT bringing him in on this case.You got that?"

"Yeah, please, if I want to hear ghost stories, I'll go camping with my son." Doggett glances at the report again, " However.... the satanic thing might be something to consider"

"Oh come on John! " Grayson stared."Man I was kiddin about bringing in Spooky."

" No... I mean the cult thing. Rituals, sacrifices, that kinda thing." Doggett explained." Maybe, ... there's a cult. This could be an initiation, or ceremony. Maybe that's why there are no clues."

" Satanists here?.... Well, we've tried everything else. There's this agent, outta New Orleans. Monica something. She specializes in ritual killings. We can run this by her, see what she thinks." Church walked to his desk, looked at his rolodex.

" Hey, it's worth a try.We got nothin else to lose." Doggett studied the board again,shaking his head. " Sick bastards."

Later, after lunch , the three agents were returning to their office, hoping to hear from Special Agent Monica Reyes soon. Doggett noticed a tall, dark haired agent walking their way. The other agents in the hall looked at him and whispered as the man walked by, some snickered. The tall man just looked at them." Well, if I didn't do these assignments, they'd probably pick you.See ya." He clapped one of them on the back, and continued walking, and muttered" Asshole." As he walked past , Grayson nudged John,whispering, "That's him, Spooky." Doggett studied the man.That's him?! Not what I expected.

Special Agent Mulder stopped for a moment.There was no getting away, without speaking to him. All three looked uncomfortable." Hi guys. How are things in CA? And you call the X Files bizarre? " Mulder looked at Doggett. " You must be the new guy, the one from New York."

"John Doggett." He extended his hand, Mulder shook it.

"Nice to meet you John. I'm Mulder.My enemies call me Spooky." He smiled at Grayson and Church. They shifted ,looked away.

Doggett released his hand, looking awkward, unsure what to say.He glanced at the other two.

Mulder nodded slightly." Ah.. I see. Well, if you guys need any help. You know where to find us." He looked at Doggett." My partner, Dana Scully. I'm sure they've told you all about her. And me." With a sad shake of his head, Mulder walked away.

"He's not what I expected." Doggett voiced his thoughts, watched him go.

"Yeah! He's worse." Joked Grayson." Come on ,man, we've got work to do."

They had a message from Reyes waiting for them."Says she feels the ritual thing is a possible. She's gotten permission to come out. She' flying in tonight."Church looked up at Doggett." How late can you work?"

"However late it takes." He knew Mandy would not be happy. But said nothing. Later, when alone, he called her to explain.Grayson and Church were returning just as he slammed down the phone.At least they hadn't heard the conversation.

"Problem?" Asked Church.He noted Doggett's angry look, clenched jaw.

Composure,John." No, everything's fine. What have ya got?" Church went into the explanation of the victims routines leading upto their individual abductions.The three men poured over every detail, hoping to find some clue, however small, that would help.

Reyes arrived, looking tired, reeking of cigarettes. But, for all that, she had some interesting theories.Doggett had hope that they might actually get somewhere on this case, finally. They worked late into the night. And came up with various sites, warehouses,fields, to check out the next day.

Doggett walked into his house quietly, going through his routine of securing his weapon. Johnnie knew to never go near it, but Doggett refused to take chances. He and Mandy had been through too much to have Johnnie.It would've been so nice to expand the family, but the doctors had said no more, her body couldn't take it.John,Jr would be their only son, their only child. He tripped over the bat, swore again, vowing to talk to Johnnie about that damn bat over the weekend.

He made his way upstairs, changed, and headed for the bed. His foot landed on soft fabric. He ignored it, then turned, bent down.Well, if I'm going to lay into Johnnie about the bat, might as well set a good example. He picked up his underwear, and placed it in the hamper. He curled up against Mandy. She stirred.

"Shhh.. go back to sleep." He kissed her softly.She muttered an apology." I know,Hon. It's ok." She drifted back to sleep. Doggett wasn't far behind.

The week passed slowly, long hours, few leads. The leads they did explore would always fall apart. But Doggett was convinced that Reyes was on the right path. Their Director agreed. The focus on the case changed to examine all cults in the area. They had one lead, but couldn't unearth an address or leader. Just names mumbled to them fearfully. But Doggett's instincts told him this was the way to go.He had worked late everynight this week, hadn't seen Johnnie since Monday. Except when he looked in on him at night. Mandy was irritated. John promised Saturday would belong to the family, no work. Mandy stated that he needed a little time away from the case. With the nightmares he was starting to have, he knew she was right. So, he would work extremely late Friday night. And give Saturday to his family.

He was eating the last of his takeout,cold stirfry, when the phone ring.Grayson answered it.Doggett continued to pour over building leases.He barely heard Grayson.

"Yeah, he's right here. Sure, just a second,Ma'am."Grayson looked at Doggett, held out the phone." John, it's your wife. She sounds pretty upset.I'll give you some space." The three agents moved away.

It was 7:30 at night. John Doggett would never forget the time." Mandy? What's wrong ,Honey? We're pretty busy."Mandy's panicked voice filled the reciever.A cold chill spread through John Doggett. He swayed slightly.

" Johnnie's missing! He went to the park with his friend!. That was four hours ago! No one has seen him! You need to come home! NOW!"

He could hear the tears in her voice , his head swam." The park? You let him walk to the park? After I told you not to? Amanda!" He drew a deep breath, ignoring her reply." I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Have you called his friends? Their parents, checked the park, the library?" He was grasping, hoping... Her staggering responses filled him with fear." Alright. Calm down, Honey. We won't find him like this. Calm down. I'm on my way. Call the police... no... don't wait for me! Call them now. I'm a federal agent, Hon, they'll make an exception. Call them.I'll be there soon as I can." He slammed down the phone, heading for the door. " Gotta go! My son's missing...."

"Yeah, we heard. John, you thinking that...." Grayson didn't want to say it.They looked at Doggett.

He fought the urge to cry." Yes, I am.... I am...."

"Then we're coming with you. I'll call the Director on the way" All four agents headed out.

The next several hours were a neverending nightmare of questions, answers, guesses. They retraced the path Johnnie's friends said they took. Johnnie had left the park alone. Went home, alone. Over and over. Every detail examined, re examined. No clues, no Johnnie. Against her objections, John called the family doctor, obtained a mild sedative. He wouldn't take no for an answer. She took it.She sat there on the sofa, not crying as hard now. Holding a framed photo of Johnnie.John handed her a cup of tea, his voice gentle, yet strained." Here, drink this."

She took the cup, sipping numbly as he sat beside her." Are you angry?"She didn't look at him.

"Hon, this isn't the time to...." She repeated the question, firmly. " Yeah, yeah, I am." She started to object, trying to explain. He interupted her, their voices overlapping." Dammit Amanda! I told you, asked you NOT to let Johnnie go out there alone!" He stopped talking, fighting the fear and anger that threatened to overwhelm him. He knew yelling at her was wrong. She couldn't be held responsible. It was a safe neighborhood. She wasn't to blame. But he couldn't help it. They argued. Saying things so hurtful, causing damage that might never be repaired. Finally ,he stood up.

"Look, Amanda! This isn't helping. I KNOW you aren't to blame. I'm sorry. I'm just scared. We both are. We need to pull together here. I'm sorry, Honey." His voice was hard, but he meant it. She could see it, hear it.

" I'm scared too! John, if I could go back, tell him No... but I can't.... I.... can't!" She broke down again. He put his arms around her. Held her tightly, trying to comfort her. But how do you comfort someone when you're just as scared?His voice softened.He murmured over and over.Tears fell silently from his eyes.Don't do this,God. Don't take him from us. PLEASE! " I love you Mandy. Don't give up... we'll search... hard....we'll find him." His voice was determined. He convinced her to go to bed. He went with her. Neither slept, although they tried.

The next morning, John dressed, started downstairs. He wanted to go to the office, but he knew Mandy needed him here.Later, in the afternoon, he would try to go in. As he reached the stairs, he paused, retraced his steps till he stood in Johnnie's room. A small part of him hoped to see Johnnie there,sitting on the floor with his baseball cards. But the room was empty, cold, and far too quiet.For a moment, he thought he saw him! John's heart beat wildly! There, by the window,Johnnie smiled at him,then faded away.John rubbed his face, chalked it up to stress.

He picked up the catchers mitt he'd bought Johnnie after he made the team.Doggett smiled as he remembered their joy at the event.Johnnie loved baseball, nearly as much as Doggett.He clutched the mitt tightly.He recognized Amanda's footfalls behind him. She moved close, touched his shoulder tenderly.John's voice was low,full of emotion.

" It's Saturday. I was supposeed to..... supposed to teach him more pitching moves today. Oh, God, Mandy!... I haven't seen him all week." He stifled a sob. Amanda put her arms around him, comforting,speaking softly.They stood there, shedding silent tears.Still holding the mitt, Doggett wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly.

Amanda didn't want him to go. But she knew John needed to do something. And she hoped that maybe, he'd find their son. Sara, her best friend came over, stayed with her, and tried to help.

As Doggett got out of his car, he recognized Monica Reyes. She was standing in the shadows, talking to someone. Doggett couldn't make out his face, but he was tall, thin. Doggett had the impression he was old.He did however make out the curls of cigarette smoke curling up around him. If there was one thing Doggett couldn't tolerate ,it was disrespect for the rules. Especially if they harmed others. Doggett didn't smoke, didn't like to be around others who did. He strode toward the pair. The shadowed man saw him, said something to Monica, and stamping out his cigarette, walked away. Doggett called after him, he didn't stop.

Monica walked up to Doggett."Agent Doggett. I didn't think you'd be in today.How's your wife?" She stood between him and the retreating figure.Doggett looked from the figure back to her.

"Who was that guy? You should've told him there's no smoking in a government building." He stared at her." I had to come in, do something. Mandy's hanging in there. A good friend is with her.Any news?" He looked toward the shadows again. The man was gone.

Monica Reyes took his arm, leading him toward the elevators, in the opposite direction." Nothing yet. John, I'm so sorry. I can only imagine what you both must be going through. We're doing all that we can. Come on, let's go check over the reports." As they greeted the other agents in the office, Doggett realized, she'd never answered his question about the man in the shadows.

By 9pm that night, they were no closer to finding to Johnnie. Doggett wasn't a pessimist, but with each hour that past, he feared that when they did find Johnnie, they wouldn't find him alive.Reyes tried to keep his hope up at first. But she was developing too much respect for him, to lead him that way. Instead, she began preparing him for what they might truly find. Doggett found himself telling his life story. Amusing anecdotes about his son, the trouble Amanda went through during the pregnancy. And finally, his fears.Around midnight, he decided to go home. Nothing was being gained here.

He entered their home, removed the holster, hung it on the rack, and went in search of Amanda. At the top of the stairs, he stopped short, realizing that for the first time since Johnnie could crawl, he did secure his weapon.Looking toward the bottom of the stairs, tears blurred his vision, ice gripped his heart.He's never coming home. John bent his head, fighting the tears, hand pressed hard against his forehead. He could not fall apart, not yet. Mandy needed him, needed him to be strong. Calm once more, he found Amanda in Johnnie's room, asleep on his bed,an old stuffed bear clutched tightly to her chest. One look at her face showed she had cried herself to sleep. He knelt beside her, touching her face gently.

Monday arrived with painful slowness. John walked into the kitchen, a heavy sigh escaping his lips. There was no reason to go to work. Despite a very heated arguement, the Director took John off the case. John balked strongly, pointing out how the Director would feel if it was HIS son missing. That had not helped matters. The decision stood. " Mornin, Hon." He kissed Mandy softly, held her longer than usual.She pulled away, slowly.

"Breakfast is ready." Her voice dull, the life had gone out of it. They both looked haggard, pale.He started to say he wasn't hungry, stopped himself. Whenever she was troubled, it was the little things, the routines that held her together. He sat at the kitchen table, forcing himself to eat. She joined him silently.John squeezed her hand gently. She smiled,started to speak, when a knock at the front door made them both jump.Hearts beating madly, they raced to open it.

Grayson, Church, and Reyes stood there, silently at first." Mornin John." Church spoke first. He was the only one to look John in the eye." Can we come in?"

"Yeah, sure, come on." John showed them to the living room.Mandy drew a ragged breath, clutching John's arm painfully. He hugged her close, not wanting to ask."Well?" Was all he could say. When Ken Church turned to face him, he knew.

Church spoke softly, hesitantly," We... uh.. we need the two of you, or at least one of you to... that is, can you come with us, John?"

Mandy had heard of this many times from her husband. The one part of the job that every member of the law hated beyond all measure.This can't be happening!Not to us, not to me! This happens to other people. Not to ME!She gripped John's arm even tighter. He held her close.She spoke in a shaky whisper." To... to the... the morgue?" Tears threatened to spill. She struggled to hold them back.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Doggett. I really am." Grayson spoke at last. Reyes looked away, regained her composure quickly. " I can stay here with you,if you like, Mrs. Doggett. John can go identify the... your.... son."

From somewhere deep inside, she found strength, holding tightly to John, as if he were her lifeline." No, I'll go too. I want to be there, I need to be." She looked at John, he nodded ,kissed her forehead.

" Let's get this over with." John said somberly. They all headed out the door.

They entered the building, the Doggetts entering last.When they got to the doors seperating the morgue from their view, John stopped.Turning Mandy to face him, he spoke in a firm ,yet gentle voice." You wait here." She started to object." No, Honey. Listen to me." He looked deep into her eyes. " If it's Johnnie, I do NOT want your last memory of him to be this." He nodded toward the cold, antiseptic ,doors." I know what I'm talkin about, Hon. Please... wait here."

Mandy nodded in jerky movements.She wiped back the tears. "I'll wait ." John squeezed her hand ,then turned away.

"I'll wait with you Mrs. Doggett." Reyes moved beside her.John nodded, voicing his thanks.

Mandy looked at Reyes." You might as well call me Mandy. I can't take the formalness." They sat down.

Squaring his shoulders, John walked toward the morgue, Grayson and Church behind him.

The room was cold, bright.The stainless steel walls that held the lockers reflected their images in a fuzzy blur. John had been in places like this too many times to count.But, oh, how different this time was! They walked to where the coroner waited.No one spoke.John nodded silently. The coroner opened the door, John winced at the sound of the slab being pulled out. A sheet covered a tiny body,spots on the sheet. He forced himself not to dwell on that.Slowly, gently, the coroner pulled up the top edge of the sheet.

So many images flashed through John Doggett's mind. His wedding day, Mandy telling him she was pregnant, the struggles during the pregnancy, hearing Johnnie cry as he was born, changing the first diaper, his first steps, so many firsts. Church cleared his throat, speaking low. "John?"

John Doggett turned away, fighting,.... fighting for composure. He didn't recognize his own voice, so thick was it with feeling. " It's Johnnie." He didn't turn back toward the table, frozen. That last image forever burned into his soul.The coroner lowered the sheet, gently pushed the slab into it's cubicle, closing the door.

" I... there are some forms you need to sign..." The coroner spoke, at last.

John nodded stiffly."I know the drill. Give me a minute, will ya?" His breathing deepened. The pain coursing through him.

Church placed a hand on John's shoulder." We'll find him, John.We'll get the bastard that did this."

John fixed a cold stare on Church. "Will we?" He walked stiffly to the doors.Dear God! How do I tell her? What do I say?But words weren't necessary. One look at his face, and she knew. They flew into each others arms, Mandy sobbing hard, tears falling silently from John's eyes." He's gone...... he's gone!" Was all he could say. The agents left them alone.

At the insistance of the Director, John took some time off. Reyes remained in town, working hard on the case. They all did. John phoned everyday, obessed with learning any news that might lead to the capture of the person, or persons responsible.John and Mandy forced their attention towards the funeral details. At least it kept them busy. With the funeral over, John hoped the worst was being placed behind him. He was wrong.

Mandy grew more distant everyday. John waited, feeling that in time, they'd be close again. But the arguements got worse. The funeral was the last time she let John hold her. During one awful arguement, he found out why.

"My fault? How is Johnnie's death MY fault? I'm no more to blame than you are!" His voice echoed through the house.

Amanda Doggett looked at her husband." You were so wrapped up in this case! Too busy for your own family! Had you been HERE, he'd have never gone to the park!" She ran a hand through her hair, then balled her fists at her sides.Somewhere, in the back of her mind, a voice said,Stop! Before it's too late.Don't do this! But all the anger over ruled her reason. She lashed out bitterly at John.Hurling accusations.

John Doggett stared at his wife as if she were a stranger. In some ways , he agreed with her.he did blame himself.And the guilt was tearing him apart, tearing them apart.Day by day, they drifted further. Mandy now slept in Johnnie's room, she no longer spoke to Doggett. It came as no surprise, when after a grueling day at work, she greeted him at the door," We need to talk."

He knew what was coming." Mandy, I love you. Don't do this. All I have left is you. Honey, please, let's get help.It doesn't have to be this way. We can get through this together...." She cut him off.

" No, John. When Johnnie died, he took it all.I have nothing to give you anymore. I hate this house, and I hate y...I want a divorce. Please, don't fight me." She looked him in the eye.He knew it was true. She blamed him, hated him. He was suddenly so tired. What was the point,why bother?

He walked past her, heading for the stairs,shoulders slumped." You can have the house. I'll get the rest of my things later."

She spoke in a relieved tone." I'll give you half of whatever I get for it."

He whirled around halfway up the stairs, anger flashing in his eyes. The intensity scared her. His cold,low voice scared her more." I'm not giving you this house if you are going to sell it.Too much of Johnnie is still here. It stays WITH one of us."

" I can't live here,John. For the very reasons you just gave. I need closure. If I'm to ever live again, I have to get away from here, from you." She trembled, partly from the look he gave her, partly from the pain ALL of this caused.

" You'll have your divorce, you'll have alimony. The house is MINE." She had never heard that tone of voice from him, not in all their years together. She nodded, walked away. John went upstairs.

Months later, there were still no clues.And no more killings. Reyes had returned to New Orleans two weeks after the funeral. They kept in touch. John started to heal. The divorce went through, the house was his. Where Mandy was now, he hadn't a clue. Her family wouldn't speak to him. Fine! Let it go! Time to move on. The final divorce papers arrived just before he was called into the Director's office. He left them in his desk drawer, straightened his tie, and stepped into the office.

" You wanted to see me, Sir?"He sat down when the Director nodded to a chair.

"John, after all this time, there have been no leads,nothing. I thought it only right to let you know.... Well..."

Doggett interupted," The case is being closed." His voice was calm, even. He stared at the director.

"Not exactly."

"What do you mean,'not exactly'?"

The Director cleared his throat." It's being reassigned, again, to a different division."

"Not... not to that nutcase? " John's eyes flashed cold steel.

"Special Agent Mulder, for all his 'quirks' is a damn fine investigator. So's his partner, Agent Scully. If anyone can solve this case, they can."

John stood up. " If that looney turns my son's death into one of those damned aliens conspriring theories...."

The director spoke firmly" Sit down, Agent Doggett!" ,Continuing after Doggett complied," The X Files was originally formed to investigate cases that could not be solved by conventional means. That's the only reason it's being reassigned. I assure you, one day, the killer or killers will be found. And they will be quite human.This matter is settled. I'm sorry. You can go."

John left, went back to his desk.Composure, John....Just when I think the worst has happened, I get proven wrong, every damn time.

In the Director's office, he dials a number." It's done. What if he goes down and talks to Mulder?"

The voice on the other end coughed raggedly," He won't. He disagrees too much with Mulder. Just keep the file there with you. In a few months, when our man is ready, you'll go to Doggett. Announce that we found the killer, he died escaping arrest, case closed." The phone clicked, the dialtone sounded.

Doggett walked into the house wearily. He removed his holster, hung it, sighing. His eyes fell on the baseball bat. Never again, would he trip over it.In all these months, he'd never moved it. John Doggett sank to his knees, holding the bat close to him.After all the months, the sound of deep painful sobs echoed off the walls, as he finally let it all out.