Title: A Neurocromatic Biofilatic Christmas
Written By: Cassie & Kristi
Author's Note: Too much caffeine ... just wait until you read the second part! :::mutters something about too much 3rd Rock:::
Spoilers: none.
Disclaimer: Mulder,Krycek, Marita, Scully, Skinner, Spender belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions and 20th Century FOX.

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FADE IN:

INT. MULDER & KRYCEK'S LIVING ROOM - NOON - DECEMBER 22

It's a warm humid, rainy day. Pretty odd weather for the middle of December in Washington, D.C.

Mulder is standing in front of the window staring down onto the street below. He's wearing a black turtleneck and a warm sweater over it with nice casual pants. He looks sad. Mulder lifts his hand up, revealing that he has a paint brush in his hand, he starts to paint snowflakes on the window.

Krycek enters the living room, he looks over heated and tired. He's wearing light gray sweat pants and no shirt. He's sweating and chugging down a glass of ice water.

Mulder hears him enter the room and looks over.

MULDER
Could you fix me some hot
apple cider? (beat) I'm
thirsty.

KRYCEK
Mulder, stop kidding
yourself... It's 93 degrees
outside.

MULDER
No. It's winter. It's
supposed to be cold out.

Mulder steps away from the window. Krycek finally realizes what Mulder is doing.

KRYCEK
Snowflakes? (beat) You're
painting snowflakes on
our window?

Mulder shrugs.

MULDER
We have to have a white Christmas.

With that Krycek gives Mulder a look turns his back to him and dumps his glass of ice water over himself.

MULDER
(unders his breath)
Grinch. (beat, to Krycek)
Hey! Is that bureau party a
costume party?

KRYCEK
No.

MULDER
Darn.

LIGHTNING BOLT CUT TO:

INT. FBI BANQUET ROOM -EVENING

A bunch of agents in work suits are standing around talking. Mulder and Krycek have not arrived yet. Scully, Marita and Skinner are talking... and the Cigarette-Smoking Man is there too... but not talking to them. The room is kind of decorated for the holidays. Some Christmas music is playing in the background, Kenny G's Christmas album, the CD ends, just mumbles of conversation now...

Suddenly, Mulder enters the room... dragging a sled with him. Krycek is tied up wearing a Santa Claus hat, leather jacket, sitting in the sled. He's not amused... and his look says it all... 'Mulder will die in the next five minutes'. Mulder wears a reindeer antler hat (headband) and a big red clown nose, he's as happy as can be. Mulder starts ringing jingle bells as he enters.

MULDER
(turns to Krycek, whispering)
Say: "Ho. Ho. Ho. Merry Christmas."

Krycek looks utterly confused, as if he doesn't recognize anything around him. Mulder turns his attention back to everyone else, expecting Krycek to listen to him. Everyone in the room is standing there in silence, no one is laughing. Krycek stands up insanely, Marita approaches him.

MARITA
(whispering to Krycek)
Did he drug you?

He gives her an odd crazy look, that doesn't answer a thing. Krycek walks over to the punch bowl and takes a glass of it and chugs it down hoping it's spiked.

Mulder, pretending nothing happened, walks over to Scully and Skinner. Mulder clears his throat.

MULDER
Merry Christmas Scully.
(to Skinner) Sir.

Marita hits the play button on the CD player and Kenny G resumes. Krycek is working on finishing off the punch, quickly. He looks scared of everyone, panicked.

TIME CUT:

From Mulder's POV, everything odd that happened is forgotten... Krycek on the other hand, has found some alcohol.

Mulder and Scully are talking with Agent Robert Alfredo. Skinner is trying to get rid of the alcohol Krycek is holding.

AGENT ALFREDO
(to Mulder)
Still getting paid to decorate
the basement with UFO posters?

There is an awkward moment.

MULDER
Where's my "Hawaiian Bunny" tape?

SCULLY
(uncomforable)
I'm gonna see what Walter is up to...

She leaves trying to find intelligent conversation.

She walks toward Skinner and Krycek. Skinner is trying to take the vodka bottle away from Krycek... it's childish game of tug-of-war...

KRYCEK
(speaking fast & confused
yet desperately insane)
You don't understand!
YOu don't have to live
with him! (beat, pleading)
I need it-

SKINNER
-Krycek no-

KRYCEK
-But I-

SKINNER
-No!

Skinner gives one last hard tug and wins! Krycek whimpers plops down onto a seat and crosses his legs, and holds his knee, his head held high in the air, as if he's very important.

Skinner just looks at him, he's convinced Krycek is on something.

KRYCEK
Excuse me... what is this place?

SCULLY
(as if talking to a child)
Alex... you stay here. I'm
gonna go get you some water.

Krycek gasps and places his right hand to his throat.

KRYCEK
(very sophisticated/pathetic/gay)
Thank you.

Scully and Skinner exchange a look and walk back over to Mulder and Robert.

SKINNER
(serious)
Agent Mulder, did you give
Krycek anything before coming
here to make him behave like this?

Krycek is now poking around various tables in the room.

MULDER
No. (beat) He's been acting
odd all afternoon. I don't know.

Krycek drops a pen holder onto the floor, he yelps. They all look over at him. Krycek is looking at the mess of pens appauled that they fell by him. He looks at the others.

KRYCEK
(scared)
It just jumped out at me!
Like... some magnetic pull!

The expression on his face shows that he's convinced this is the truth. Off their skeptical looks...

KRYCEK
But it's true!

TIME CUT:

Mulder is standing by the window wishing it were snowing, he looks sad again. Krycek walks over to him, very sophisticated.

MULDER
I wish it were snowing. (beat)
Why is it warm?

Krycek quickly looks up to the sky and somehow finds an answer.

KRYCEK
(stating the obvious)
Well the satellite right up
there (points up) is designed
for causing neurocromatic atoms
combined with biofilatic elements
from the planet Noharsum (beat;off
Mulder's expression) i-it's in the
fifth galaxy, (back on topic) to warm
the city. (beat) They do it all the time.

Krycek walks off.

MULDER
(wanting a better explanation)
Scully...

Mulder starts to head over towards Scully, only to see Krycek take Scully in his arms... dip her down over his knee and kiss her passionately. Skinner stands there stunned... as does the whole room.

After their lips part, Krycek just drops Scully to the floor and walks back over to the punch bowl, where Marita is standing.

KRYCEK
(to Marita, smart ass,
sweet, egotistical)
Wanna go next?
(he puckers up closing his eyes)

MARITA
(cold)
Go to Hell Alex.

Marita dumps red wine all over Krycek and walks off to see if Scully is ok. Spender cautiously approaches Krycek.

KRYCEK
(egotistical)
Women love me.

SPENDER
Sure...

KRYCEK
You married?

SPENDER
(wondering what he's on)
No...

KRYCEK
Don't.

Krycek walks off and leaves the room, taking the sled with him. He leaves unnoticed by all, save for Spender. Spender goes over to Mulder. Scully's there icing her eye, Marita is concerned and Skinner still looks pissed.

SPENDER
Uh... Agent Mulder...
I think Krycek's loose.

Mulder has the 'oh crappit' look on his face, he taps Spender's back to indicate Spender's going on the Krycek Hunt with him.

SKINNER
(calling to them)
Be careful, Agents!

INT. FBI HALLWAY -

Mulder and Spender are checking any open doors. Spender opens one...

SPENDER
(embarassed)
Oh sorry.

He quickly closes the door.

Mulder chuckles.

MULDER
Figures.

Rapid clatters, clanks, boings and clops come from the ladies room.

SPENDER
I don't even want to know.

MULDER
(gets excited)
Let's investigate!

SPENDER
You're already FBI,
no need to play.

Mulder gives him a childish snear and gives Spender a noogie as he heads toward the ladies room. Spender fixes his hair. There is a loud panicked scream coming from the ladies room.

Mulder comes flying through the door, only to discover...

INT. LADIES ROOM

Krycek admiring himself in the mirror.

MULDER
(scared for his friend)
What?!

Spender flies in behind him, his gun drawn. They both look worried for Krycek.

KRYCEK
(ignoring everything but himself)
I'm so young!

SPENDER
You're coming with us.

KRYCEK
(pleading) My people need me...

Mulder grabs onto Krycek's arm.

KRYCEK
NO-OOOO!!

MULDER
(demanding a child)
Yes.

Spender helps Mulder try to control Krycek.

KRYCEK
(yelling)
You can't take me! (beat)
I'm the High Commander!

Off Mulder and Spender's looks...

TO BE CONTINUED...