Title: “The Great Escape”
Written By: Kristi
Disclaimer: Mulder,Krycek, Marita, Scully, Skinner, Spender belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions and 20th Century FOX.

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FADE IN:

INT. MULDER & KRYCEK’S APT. – MORNING

It’s a bright and sunny Saturday morning. Mulder and Krycek are watching a cartoon… “The Smurfs”. They sit on the couch eating cereal. Mulder has “Cheerios” and Krycek has “Lucky Charms”. Both are wearing “Smurfs” and “Heman” pajamas.

KRYCEK
(mouth full of food)
It gotta tell you Mulder (beat)
These Lucky Charms are good.

Mulder swallows his food.

MULDER
same with these Cheerios.

They continue to watch “The Smurfs”. There is a beat of silence between them… we only hear “The Smurfs”… then they laugh.

Moments later, the phone rings.

MULDER
Mmm… let me get it.

KRYCEK
(involved with “The Smurfs”)
Ok…

Mulder runs to the phone in the other room. Krycek continues to jam Lucky Charms into his mouth.

MULDER
(into the phone)
Yeah, Mulder.

SPENDER (FILTER)
Hey Mulder, it’s Jeff.

MULDER
(happy)
Oh hey!

SPENDER (FILTER)
Listen, I found you and
Alex some blind dates
tonight and-

MULDER
-Oh no way. (beat)
Been there, don’t that.

SPENDER (FILTER)
No listen, Mulder. (beat)
They’re really nice people.
(beat) trust me.

Mulder thinks…

MULDER
Um… sure, we’ll both be there.

KRYCEK (O.S.)
Where’m I goin’?

Mulder ignores him.

SPENDER (FILTER)
Ok, good. I’ll call them now
and let them know.

The line goes dead. Mulder hangs up.

Mulder walks back into the living room and plops back down next to Krycek. Krycek looks at Mulder waiting for an answer. Mulder laughs at “The Smurfs”.

KRYCEK
Mulder… what was that about?

MULDER
(focused on tv)
Nothin’… just some blind
date we’re going on.

CUT TO:

INT. LA FLEUR RESTAURANT – EVENING

Mulder and Krycek enter the restaurant. They actually got dressed up. Spender is already there waiting with Mulder and Krycek’s blind dates.

MULDER
Oh there he is.

He points towards Spender. Krycek follows his point.

MULDER
(calling out)
Hey Jeff!

Spender turns around and motions for them to come over. He has a big smile on his face.

SPENDER
Hey guys, I’d like you to
meet Angela and Farrah.

He moves aside to reveal… The Magazine Girls… Mulder and Krycek are horrified… but are trying not to show it.

SPENDER
(to Magazine Girls)
This is Fox and Alex.

FARRAH (Mag. Girl #1)
(very ditzy)
Uh… hello-ah! (giggles)

Mulder and Krycek just stand there… not breathing… paralyzed for a moment.

Mulder grabs Spender away and takes him out of earshot of them all. Krycek follows.

MULDER
(mad whisper)
Is this a joke?

KRYCEK
Are you trying to kill us?

Mulder and Krycek look as if they might kill Spender.

SPENDER
(not understanding)
What do you mean?

KRYCEK
(yelling)
Oh like you don’t know!!

Mulder whacks Krycek over the head.

MULDER
(to Krycek)
Keep it down. (to Spender)
These are the people who
tried to kill us on the
cruise boat.

Spender has no clue what they are talking about.

KRYCEK
(to Mulder)
Didn’t they fall overboard?

MULDER
(forgetting Spender)
Yeah. (laughs)

They both have easily forgotten everything.

KRYCEK
That was so funny.

MULDER
(imitating mag. Girl)
“Oh my god my hair”!

They both burst out laughing hysterically. Spender is watching them back and forth.

SPENDER
(interrupting their laughs)
HEY!

Mulder and Krycek abruptly stop laughing and look over at Spender.

SPENDER
Ok, so I promised them
a blind date. So come on.

Mulder and Krycek look to one another.

KRYCEK
Yeah right.

MULDER
No way. (beat)
Let’s get outta here.

They start to walk off.

ANGELA (Mag. Girl #2)(O.S.)
Jeffrey? What’s going on?

The two girls stand there with their arms crossed. Angela is tapping her foot impatiently… Farrah is playing with the gum in her mouth. Spender panics.

SPENDER
(to Mulder & Krycek)
Ok guys. I’ll pay you.

This catches Mulder and Krycek’s attention. They stop dead in their tracks.

MULDER
(thinking he’s all that)
Oh really?

Krycek smiles.

SPENDER
Fifty dollars each. Mulder smiles happily.

KRYCEK
No way.

MULDER
(to Krycek; under breath)
What are you doing?

Krycek pulls Mulder away… they face away from Spender.

KRYCEK
Don’t you see how desperate
he is… we could get a lota money.

MULDER
(smiles)
Ahh…

They both give a little secret hand shake and turn around… the smiles fade and they act all buff…

KRYCEK
(to Spender)
200 each.

SPENDER
(trying to remain quiet)
200?!

KRYCEK
200 or we leave.

MULDER
(tough)
Yeah.

SPENDER
That’s 400 dollars!

They start to turn away.

KRYCEK
We’re leaving.

SPENDER
250!

Krycek quickly turns around and:

KRYCEK
300!

SPENDER
210!

KRYCEK
310!

SPENDER
200!

MULDER
150!

SPENDER
(quickly)
DEAL!

Krycek whacks Mulder over the head.

KRYCEK
What are you doing?!

Mulder shrugs, he doesn’t know… he just said a number.

TIME CUT TO:

INT. LA FLEUR RESTAURANT – LATER THAT EVENING

Mulder and Krycek sit opposite of Farrah and Angela. The two girls are talking away.

MULDER
(to Krycek)
I have a head ache

He pulls out some pills from his coat pocket. The girls continue to talk…

Krycek signals a waiter.

WAITER
Yes, sir?

KRYCEK
Vodka… no ice.

The waiter leaves.

ANGELA
(giggles/annoying)
And then like he said
‘hi’! And oh my god…
we like died.

Mulder and Krycek are unamused and irritated… and it shows…

FARRAH
Ohmegod! I remember that!
I like wore a purple dress!

ANGELA
Ohmygod! I know!

They giggle.

KRYCEK
(to Mag. Girls)
Could you excuse us please.

Krycek stands up.

KRYCEK
(to Mulder)
Come on.

MULDER
(seeming out of it)
Huh? (beat) Oh ok.

He gets up. They leave the table.

FARRAH
Do you think they are
like gay or something?

ANGELA
I hope not. I think I
could see me living my
whole life with them.

FARRAH
Like! Me too!

They giggle.

CUT TO:

INT. MEN’S RESTROOM

Krycek and Mulder burst in the room. Krycek looks panicked… while Mulder seems out of it.

KRYCEK
(panicked)
We have to get out!

MULDER
The window?

Krycek looks to the very small window that no one but Eugene Victor Tooms could fit through.

KRYCEK
Yeah! Maybe if we
were contortionists!

He whacks Mulder on the head.

KRYCEK
Use your brain!

MULDER
Well you keep knocking me
on the head… I’m not gonna
have no more brain in me.

Mulder yawns, looks around and finds a seat. He sits. Krycek continues to look for a way out. He turns around and sees Mulder.

KRYCEK
Wh-what is this?!
(irritated) Mulder…

MULDER
If we had sheep we
could fly out of here.

KRYCEK
SHEEP?! Sheep don’t fly!

Mulder droops his head.

MULDER
(slurred)
Well… I dunno…

KRYCEK
What, are you drunk?

Mulder slowly lifts his head… as if he has no energy.

MULDER
Noo…

Krycek starts to look around again.

KRYCEK
There has to be…
some way out of here…
Maybe…

Krycek hears a thumb from behind him. Krycek slowly turns around… only to find… Mulder. Who has fallen onto the ground.

KRYCEK
MULDER!

Mulder twitches.

Krycek walks over to Mulder and shakes him.

KRYCEK
Mulder!

MULDER
Mommy?

Krycek looks at him deadpanned, and rolls his eyes. Then shakes him again.

KRYCEK
Mulder?!

He gives up and finds Mulder’s cell phone… next to the bottle of pills. Krycek takes them both out of his coat.

KRYCEK
(re: pills)
Sleeping pills? (beat)
Mulder… (he shakes his head)

He dials Mulder’s cell phone.

LANGLY (FILTER)
Office of The Lone Gunmen.

KRYCEK
(panicked)
LANGLY!

LANGLY (FILTER)
Yes…?

KRYCEK
It’s me, Krycek, (beat)
Listen, I need you guy’s help.

LANGLY (FILTER)
Whaddya need?

Krycek is pacing the bathroom… Mulder is now fast asleep on the ground.

KRYCEK
Ok, so, Spender put me
and Mulder on a blind
date with the women from
hell… and we can’t get out.

Langly laughs through the phone.

KRYCEK
So, Mulder took sleeping
pills and is sleeping on
the bathrooms floor.

LANGLY (FILTER)
(still laughing)
Yeah… ok. Where are you?

TIME CUT TO:

INT. LA FLEUR RESTAURANT – ENTRANCE – LATER THAT EVENING

Three oddly dressed men walk through the door… The Lone Gunmen have arrived. Each of them are wearing goofy hats and trench coats. They approach the Reservation Man.

RESERVATION MAN
Do you have a reservation?

Frohike looks around before answering.

FROHIKE
Where’s the men’s room?

RESERVATION MAN
I’m sorry, but you must
have a reservation.

BYERS
We are agents of the
government, we need to
know where the men’s room is.

The Reservation Man looks at all three of them.

LANGLY
It’s a matter of
life and death.

The Reservation Man stares at them blankly.

RESERVATION MAN
(keeping an eye; calling)
Glen.

Glen approaches.

GLEN
Yes sir?

RESERVATION MAN
Show these gentlemen
where the men’s room is.

GLEN
The men’s room?

RESERVATION MAN
Yes.

Glen shrugs it off.

GLEN
This way, gentlemen.

The Gunmen follow Glen.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF RESTROOMS

The Lone Gunmen knock on the door of the men’s room. Krycek opens the door in a panic. He looks around.

FROHIKE
Hey buddy.

Krycek quickly grabs them in.

INT. RESTROOM

Mulder still lies on the ground sleeping. The Gunmen look down at him.

KRYCEK
You have to help up!

The Lone Gunmen look to Krycek.

BYERS
Maybe this will wake him up.

He pulls out a vile of who know what, and begins to pour it into Mulder’s mouth.

LANGLY
What is that?

KRYCEK
A-are you sure you
know what your doing?

Byers finishes pouring the substance into Mulder mouth. He stands up. They all wait for any kind of response from Mulder. A beat passes before:

FROHIKE
Holy Toledo! He must’ve
taken a ton of sleeping pills.

They look back to Mulder.

BYERS
It should work immediately.

LANGLY
Are you sure you knew
what you were doing?

Byers looks at them.

KRYCEK
Let me see it.

He holds out his hand. Byers puts the vile in his hand. Krycek read the label. After a beat, he looks back to Byers… he seems pissed.

BYERS
What?

KRYCEK
It says it puts people to sleep!

BYERS
No it doesn’t.

He takes the vile and reads it… Krycek is right.

KRYCEK
GREAT!

He starts to pace the room… mumbling something in Russian. The Gunmen stand there thinking what to do next… though Byers seems more afraid.

LANGLY
I got it!

Krycek stops pacing and looks towards him.

LANGLY
We’ll act like paramedics
and get him out of here.
While you explain to your
dates what happened.

KRYCEK
(deadpanned)
That Mulder O.D.ed on sleeping pills?

FROHIKE
No… that he fell and hit his head.

Krycek nods.

BYERS
And tell them you are
following him to the
hospital.

KRYCEK
That’s great. (beat)
But how are you going
to pull off being paramedics?
You have no cloths for it,
no ambulance…

they haven’t thought of this…

FROHIKE
I can go get one… I’ve
got connections.

With that, Frohike runs out the door.

TIME CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT

The Magazine Girls are still sitting at their table.

ANGELA
I wonder when they
will come back?

FARRAH
Is my makeup still ok?

It’s gooped on…

ANGELA
Yes. (beat) Like
where are they?!…

FARRAH
Well here comes Fox.

ANGELA
No. That’s Alex.
(beat) Right?

Krycek approaches the table… the Lone Gunmen are in the b.g. wheeling Mulder out on a stretcher.

KRYCEK
I’m sorry, we’re going
to have to cut this
evening short.

ANGELA
(disappointed/immature)
Oh!

Krycek gives her an odd look.

KRYCEK
Anyway… uh… my friend Fox-

ANGELA
(to Farrah)
-Told you.

FARRAH
(to Angela/immature)
Uh…

KRYCEK
Um… yeah… Fox fell
and hit his head so
I’m going to follow
him to the hospital.

The Magazine Girls look disappointed.

FARRAH
We’ll come with you!

ANGELA
Yeah!

Krycek panics…

KRYCEK
No!

Off their looks…

KRYCEK
Uh… I mean (clears throat)
No. You see, we don’t want
to bother you with it.

ANGELA
Like how long is
a check up?

KRYCEK
(thinking on his feet)
You see… umm… he needs
to get a liver transplant.

MAGAZINE GIRLS
(together)
Oooh…

KRYCEK
Yeah… so I’ve got to go.

He turns and runs toward the Lone Gunmen and the door.

TIME CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE MULDER & KRYCEK’S APT

The Lone Gunmen are helping Krycek carry Mulder into the apartment.

BYERS
Geez, how much does he weigh?

KRYCEK
We’ll go in through Mulder’s
door… It’s always unlocked.

Frohike opens the door for them

INT. MULDER’S SIDE OF THE APT.

Byers and Krycek drop Mulder to the ground. They take deep breaths.

BYERS
Should we move him to his couch?

Frohike and Langly leave for the kitchen.

KRYCEK
No, the pool table, I
want to watch TV…

They pick him back up off the ground and drag him to the pool table… they toss him on it.

KRYCEK
I wonder how long
he’ll be out of it?

Byers just shrugs.

BYERS
Lets get something to eat.

They join Frohike and Langly in the kitchen. They have already found some food.

FROHIKE
(mouth full of food)
Hey guys.

LANGLY
Get Mulder taken care of?

KRYCEK
Yep.

BYERS
He’ll probably be
out for days.

They all laugh. Byers takes a bite out of his sandwich.

KRYCEK
Lets get on thing straight
you guys. (beat) Absolutely
no more blind dates.

LANGLY
We didn’t set this one up.

KRYCEK
Yes, but you put Mulder
on a date with one of them before.

They sit there… guilty as charged. Byers takes another bite of his sandwich… crumbs fall on his beard… and they look like little creatures. Krycek laughs at him.

A phone rings.

KRYCEK
(still laughing)
Hello?

SPENDER (FILTER)
Hey Krycek! I got another
blind date for you and Mulder!

Krycek abruptly stops laughing.

KRYCEK
You…

SPENDER
They’re really nice peop-

KRYCEK
NO!

He slams the phone down. Off his look…

FADE OUT:

THE END.