Title: “Leyla Harrison and the R.O.U.S”
Author: Kristi
Feedback: If you really think it deserves it (xf_endroad@yahoo.com)
Archive: Addicted To Doggett, my sites! Anyone else, please ask.
Rating: PG
Website: https://www.angelfire.com/ks3/manydeaths/index.html
Spoilers: None, unless you didn’t know that Cary Elwes was in “The Princess Bride” and that he also was Brad Follmer on “The X-Files”.
Category: humor
Summary: Agents Doggett, Reyes, Mulder and Scully investigate Rodents of Unusual Sizes (R.O.U.S). The fear of being in a “Leyla Harrison Series” story continues to frighten them when she doesn’t show up…
Disclaimer: I do not own Agents John Doggett, Monica Reyes, Fox Mulder, or Dana Scully. Nor do I own Alex Krycek, Deputy Director Alvin Kersh, or Assistant Director Brad Follmer. All of these characters belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting… although I do want to take credit for the whacky way I write the characters. That mostly comes from writing the funny online series called “Fox & Rat”. I do not own Agent Leyla Harrison. She belongs to Frank Spotnitz, Ten-Thirteen Productions and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting. I do not own the Rodent of Unusual Size…
Date: March 12, 2003
Author’s Note: While watching “The Princess Bride”, the little wheels in my head began to turn…
FADE IN:The journey to the Fire Swamp had been long, but luckily for all of our beloved agents, Doggett, Reyes, Mulder and Scully, they didn’t have to invest in Tylenol. There had been no sign of the annoying green agent, Leyla Harrison.
“I’m so glad you all decided to investigate the R.O.U.Ses with me.” said Agent Mulder who had dug up the case.
“Do you really believe in Rodents of Unusual Sizes?” asked Agent Doggett. “It seems like a load of B.S. to me.”
“Yes I do.” Stated Agent Mulder. “I’ve actually worked with an R.O.U.S.”
Agent Reyes cocks an eyebrow. Agent Scully rolls her eyes.
“Here we go again.” Said Agent Scully.
“Have you?” asked Agent Reyes, not believing Agent Mulder.
“Yes. I have.” Mulder smiled at her. “His name was Alex Krycek.”
Mulder chuckled to himself as he cracked his joke.
“Let me guess, you have been holding that in just waiting for someone to ask if you believe in rodents of unusual sizes since you dug up this case, right?” said Agent Scully.
Mulder smiled at her. She knows him too well…
They reach the opening of the Fire Swamp forest. It’s dark and gloomy. Eerie and creepy. It’s going to be a mess to get through.
“Now, beware of fire, sand traps and of course… the Rodents of Unusual Sizes.” Mulder warned his fellow agents.
They walk through the forest. Dodging fire, sand traps, and finding no R.O.U.Ses. After a while, Agent Mulder stops and looks around his surroundings.
“I think this is a good place.” Said Agent Mulder.
“A good place for what?” Asked Agent Scully.
“For setting up camp.” Mulder said, as if everyone knew.
“You mean we’re staying out here?” Asked Agent Reyes.
“Yes.” Mulder says.
“For how long?” Asked Agent Doggett.
“Until we find the R.O.U.Ses.” Assured Agent Mulder. “Now, I’ve brought the tent and everything so we can have a place to sleep. I’ve got plenty of food, drink, and all that good stuff.”
Mulder pulls out a tent, the food and drinks.
Agents Doggett, Reyes, and Scully watch Mulder as he pulls all of these things out of his small backpack… what else does he have in there? He pulls out four sleeping bags, cameras, and a big pot to cook food in. Everyone’s eyes go wide wondering how in the world all that crap fit in there, and how he was able to carry it. Major plot convenience I’d say.
“Ok, so how about Agents Reyes and Scully set up camp and Agent Doggett and I will go look for the R.O.U.S.” Agent Mulder suggested.
Agent Reyes shrugs her shoulders, as does Agent Scully. Agent Doggett looks at them dead pan. The last thing he wants is to be stuck with Agent Mulder looking for a Rodent of Unusual Size.
“Fine by me.” Said Agent Scully.
“Good.” Mulder says. “Agent Doggett, let’s start this way.”
Mulder grabs a camera and some Fruit Snacks to snack on while they wait to find the R.O.U.S. Doggett stays were he’s standing. Monica and Dana start to build the campsite. Mulder continues to walk away.
“John?” Monica says.
Doggett looks at her.
“Aren’t you going?” She asks.
“I don’t believe in the B.S., Mon’.” Doggett states.
“No kidding. Who couldn’t figure that out?” Monica says. “I don’t even believe in them. I think Agent Mulder has seen “The Princess Bride” one too many times.”
“He has actually.” States Agent Scully, she approaches them.
“Oh?” Asks Agent Doggett.
“Yes, he loves that movie. I’m not sure why. But it would explain why I’ve seen Agent Mulder checking out Assistant Director Brad Follmer… he kind of looks like Westley. And Westley was Mulder’s favorite character.” Scully says, a pensive look comes across her face.
“So we’re looking for a R.O.U.S. because Agent Mulder is obsessed with “The Princess Bride”?” Asked Agent Reyes.
“Maybe. Besides, Deputy Director Kersh allowed us to take this assignment… so it must be a real case.” Scully says, with doubt in her words.
“I knew this was mumbo-jumbo.” Doggett states.
“Hey, at least that annoying green agent, Leyla Harrison isn’t here.” Monica says.
“I know. I think I’ve seen her around my apartment building. I think she’s stalking me.” Says Scully.
“Agent Doggett!” Calls Agent Mulder in the distance. “Where are you?!”
“He sounds in a panic. You may want to go with him, just to make sure he doesn’t get lost and we have to have a search start up for him.” Scully suggested.
Doggett rolls his eyes.
“Fine.” He says, very unenthusiastic. He shuffles off towards Agent Mulder.
+++++++++++++++++
Later that night at the camp site…
All four of our heroes sit around the campfire roasting marshmallows.
“I think we were close to finding a R.O.U.S today.” Mulder said, convinced that he’s right. “Isn’t that right, Agent Doggett?”
“Yeah…” Doggett says, not meaning what he’s saying. He’s still in the firm belief that it’s mumbo-jumbo.
“I mean, when we heard foot steps near us then didn’t see anything… I think that was one.” Said Mulder, excited as if he’s found Big Foot.
“Mulder-“ says Scully
“-Oh! And then you know what else! We saw a glimpse of something watching us in the distance. I couldn’t make it out but-“ Mulder gets interrupted.
“-Mulder!” Scully yells.
“What?” Mulder asks, confused on why she has to yell at him.
“You’re marshmallow is on fire.” Scully tells him.
Mulder looks at his marshmallow that is, as Scully has informed him, on fire.
“Oh no!” Mulder yells, he starts to panic. Waving his marshmallow around in a frantic insanity. “HELP!”
Monica grabs his stick and blows on the marshmallow. It goes out with no problem. She hands it back to him.
“Thank you.” Mulder says with a sigh of relief. “I don’t know what I’d do without you guys.”
“You’d probably cause a forest fire.” Monica says with a hint of tease in her voice.
“I know. I would!” Mulder says, he’s truly serious about this. He actually believes that he would start a forest fire, and he probably would.
Scully yawns and stretches her arms above her head.
“Well, I think I’m going to bed now. Wake me up when everyone else is up.” Scully says.
She gets up and goes into the tent.
“Good night everyone.” Scully says, half asleep.
“Good night.” Answer all of the agents.
“So guys…” Mulder says.
John and Monica look over at him, waiting for him to continue. He doesn’t. They give him a look as if telling him to finish his thought.
“Have you ever been abducted by aliens?” Mulder asks both of them.
“No.” Monica says, shaking her head.
“What about you John?” Mulder asks.
“No.” Doggett answers. “I don’t believe in the existence of such a creature.”
“Why not?” Mulder asks.
“Why not? Because.” Doggett says.
“Because isn’t an answer, it’s a word.” Mulder says.
“Because aliens and UFOs are mumbo-jumbo.” Doggett says.
“Why do you say that?” Mulder asks.
“Because that’s what I know to be true.” Doggett answers.
“I believe in UFOs and aliens because I’ve seen them.” Mulder says. “I don’t make things up just to get the nickname ‘Spooky’. I’ve actually seen them.”
“Ok.” Doggett says, not really knowing how to respond to Mulder.
Monica laughs.
“I just thought of something.” Doggett says.
“What’s that?” Monica asks.
“This is a story that is in the ‘Leyla Harrison Series’, right?” Doggett questions.
“That’s right.” Mulder says.
“Are you sure the writer isn’t just tricking the readers into believe that this is another story in her series?” Doggett asks.
“Why would she do that?” Monica asks.
“I don’t know.” Doggett replies. “But for a story in the ‘Leyla Harrison Series’, Leyla Harrison hasn’t shown up yet. I’m just paranoid on when that will happen.”
“Good point.” Monica says.
“Oh no. I didn’t bring Tylenol.” Mulder says with disappointment. “Wait a second, that wasn’t my doing, that was the writer’s! Why would she do that? Especially knowing that she is writing us in a ‘Leyla Harrison Series’ story!”
“Maybe it’s a plot convenience.” Monica suggests.
“Again?” Doggett asks.
Monica shrugs her shoulders because the writer has decided for her not to know for sure.
“Well, if this is all about plot conveniences, then I’m hittin’ the sack… or should I say, I’m hittin’ the bag.” Mulder says.
“The bag?” Monica asks.
“You know… my sleeping bag.” Mulder says.
“Why would that be a plot convenience?” Doggett asks.
“So we can fade to black and have a time cut to morning.” Mulder says. With that he shuffles off to the tent where Scully is already asleep.
John and Monica look at each other.
“I guess this is when we fade to black, huh?” Monica says.
“Yeah…” Answers Doggett.
With that, we FADE TO BLACK
FADE IN:
It’s conveniently the next morning. Scully wakes up in the tent. Mulder is drooling on the pillow next to her, and Doggett and Reyes are no where to be seen. She gets out of her sleeping bag and walks outside to find John and Monica eating cereal.
“Good morning guys.” Scully says.
“Good morning Agent Scully.” Doggett says.
“Call her Dana, John.” Monica says to Doggett. “Good morning, Dana.”
Monica gives her a smile.
“Where did you guys get the cereal?”
“We found it in Agent Mulder’s backpack. He’s got everything in there.” Doggett says.
Scully looks over at Mulder’s backpack. Goes over to it and pulls out a box of Cocoa Puffs cereal, a carton of milk, a bowl and a spoon.
“You’re right. He does have everything.” Scully says, a little amused.
“Everything except Tylenol.” Monica says.
Mulder steps out of the tent. He’s wearing elephant slippers on his feet.
“What a glorious morning it is.” Mulder says, stretching his arms above his head. “I don’t think I’ve seen a more perfect day.”
“You can see ‘day’ through all the thick branches?” Doggett asks.
“Yes.” Mulder says with a smile.
In the distance, something lurks…
“I see you found my breakfast stash.” Mulder says proud.
“Yes we did.” Monica says. “It’s amazing that you could keep the milk cold in your backpack.”
“Yes, indeed it is.” Mulder says, knowing it was a plot convenience, or just a convenience that doesn’t have anything to do with the plot. Anyway…
“So what’s on the agenda for today, Agent Mulder?” Doggett asks.
“More searching for the R.O.U.S.” Mulder says. “And this time Agents Reyes and Scully will help us.”
Mulder smiles at them.
“Oh goodie…” Scully says, not amused that she’s on this ridiculous assignment.
“So let’s get to it!” Mulder says. “How about Scully and I go that way, and Agents Doggett and Reyes go the other way. I’ve brought walkie-talkies for us to use if we see a Rodent of Unusual Size.”
Mulder pulls four walkie-talkies out of his backpack.
“If we’re in pairs, why do we need four walkie-talkies?” Doggett asks.
“Just incase the writer has an evil plan to get all of us separated from each other and that annoying Harrison chick find us and annoys us. This way, we’ll be able to call for help.” Mulder says, proud that he thought ahead of the writer.
Mulder and Scully head off in their direction. John and Monica look in their direction, it’s a lot more spooky lookin’ and creepy. Mulder must have been scared to go this way…
“Why does our way look creepy, John?” Monica asks.
“I don’t know, but I guess we’re going to have to find out.” John says.
They give each other a look and walk off in their direction, stumbling over fallen branches, rocks, stones, mud, and everything the ground has to offer. They duck under halfway fallen branches and whatnot, making their way to somewhere.
They stop a moment to talk.
“So what are we suppose to do if we find a R.O.U.S?” Monica asks.
“Got me.” John says. “Mulder never said what to do. Probably just take a picture and hope that it doesn’t attack us.”
“You talk as if you believe in them.” Monica states.
Doggett says nothing. Monica looks at him.
“Do you believe in them, John?” Monica asks.
“Of course not.” Doggett says.
“Then why are you agreeing to do this. They took off before us, we could’ve just stayed at the campsite.” Monica says.
“I don’t know.” Doggett says.
“Do you know anything, John?” Monica says.
“Yeah, I know things. But I don’t know this. I don’t know why I don’t know, I just don’t know.” Doggett says.
Monica gives him a quizzical look and takes another step into the forest. When suddenly, she falls through the sand and out of view. Doggett stands there wondering what to do.
“Monica?” He asks, knowing that she can’t hear him.
Doggett looks around, unsure of what to do. Luckily for Monica, John has seen “The Princess Bride” and finds something to hang onto as he dives into the sand to bring her back up.
It is that this convenient moment that Agent Leyla Harrison comes out from behind a tree and walks by the sand, making her presence in this story known to you the reader, but not to our heroes.
Doggett’s hand emerges from the sand trap, and Leyla Harrison quickly hides from view.
Doggett and Monica safely make it back up.
“You ok?” Doggett asks.
Monica hits him hard on his shoulder.
“What the hell took you so long?!” Monica says, mad that he took his time to save her. “If that were Dana who fell through you would’ve dove in right after her with no hesitation!”
“Well, I figured you were joking with me.” Doggett says. “Besides, you’re a Reyes, and Reyes’ are strong and don’t need help. You told me so yourself.”
“I way lying! I do need people’s help sometimes!” Monica yells.
Monica glares at him, then hits him hard again. Doggett stands up, offers his hand to help her up. She hits it away.
“I don’t need your help.” Monica says.
“Oh sure, now you don’t.” Doggett says. “Ok, I’ll remember that.”
“What do you mean by that?” Monica asks.
“The next time you fall through a sand trap, I’m not gonna help ya.” Doggett says.
“Fine! I don’t need your help.” Monica says. “And if you are in danger, I’m not gonna help you either.”
“Can we stop this immature fight?” Doggett asks.
“Yes.” Monica says. “I’m sorry. Thank you for helping me.”
“No problem.” Doggett says.
“Where’s my walkie-talkie?” Monica asks.
They both look around for a moment. No sign of the walkie-talkie.
“You must’ve lost it in the sand trap.” Doggett says.
“What is the writer up to? Does this mean something bad is going to happen?” Monica ask.
“I don’t know.” Doggett says. “I hope not.”
They carefully continue on their way, making sure to walk around the sand trap.
+++++++++++++++
Meanwhile with Mulder and Scully…
“You know Scully, if we find the R.O.U.S, we should take him back to D.C. and keep him as a pet.” Mulder says.
“Are you crazy?” Scully asks.
“No.” Mulder says. “I’m… spooky.”
Scully rolls her eyes.
“Why do you have to be so annoying?” Scully asks.
“I’m not annoying.” Mulder states. “Want a Fruit Snack?”
Mulder holds his bag of Fruit Snacks out to her.
“No.” Scully says.
“Why not?” Mulder ask.
“I don’t want one, that’s why.” Scully says.
“Why not?” Mulder asks.
“I just told you.”
“That’s not a good enough reason.” Mulder says.
“Yes it is!” Scully says.
“No it isn’t!”
Scully lets out a heavy sigh.
“Shut up, Mulder!” She yells at him, then pushes him down a rather large hill.
As Mulder falls we can hear him yell…
“AS… YOU… WISH…”
Scully rolls his eyes.
We notice that Mulder’s walkie-talkie goes flying in some direction and shatters on the ground. Another walkie-talkie taken down!
Mulder finishes his fall to the end of the hill and just lays there on his back. Scully watches from above.
“SCULLY?!” Mulder helplessly shouts up at her. “I’M HURT!”
Scully rolls her eyes and decides that she should probably go see if he’s ok. She slowly but surely makes her way safely down the hill.
She goes up to him and holds a finger in front of his eyes.
“How many fingers do I have?” Scully asks him.
“Three.” Mulder says.
Scully rolls her eyes as she looks at her one index finger.
“Anything broken?” She asks.
“I don’t know. You’re a medical doctor!” Mulder says, about to cry from the pain.
Scully looks at Mulder’s twisted leg. She bites her lower lip realizing that she’s going to have to leave him here to find help.
“Mulder?” She says with care in her tone. “I’m going to have to go back to the campsite to get my medical supplies.”
Mulder shakes his head no.
“Mulder, I have to. Your leg is broken. You need proper help.”
“No! Please don’t leave me! I’m scared of this forest! What if a R.O.U.S comes and kills me! And worse yet! What if Agent Leyla Harrison finds me! I’m helpless! I’m defenseless! “ Mulder pleads. “You know she’ll talk to me, annoy me, even try to kiss me! Please don’t leave me alone!”
“I won’t Mulder.” Scully assures him. “You have your walkie-talkie. Remember, you had four. That way if we were all to get separated we could call for help.”
“Where is my walkie-talkie, Scully?” Mulder asks pathetically.
Scully looks around.
“Where did you put it?” Scully asks.
“It was in my hand, but then you pushed me down a hill and I don’t know where it is!” Mulder yells. “Damn the writer!”
“I’m sorry.” Scully says. “I promise I won’t be more than a few moments.”
“But moments can last forever!” Mulder yells in fear.
“Mulder, I’m going to help you, but you have to stay here. It isn’t safe for you to move.” Scully says.
She stands up and starts to head back up the hill, leaving Mulder fearing for his life and sanity.
++++++++++++++++++
Back with John and Monica. They are sitting on a rock, taking a break from “looking” for the R.O.U.Ses. They have some cheese and crackers they are munching on.
“If you were a fruit, which fruit would you be?” Monica asks.
“I don’t know.” Doggett says.
“You’ve been saying ‘I don’t know’ to all my questions. I’m sick of it. Answer me.” Monica says.
“Ok, I’d be a banana.” Doggett answers.
Monica looks at him oddly.
“A banana? Why?” Monica asks.
“I don’t know. Bananas taste good.” Doggett says.
“Do you think you taste good?” Monica says, about to laugh.
Doggett looks at her quizzically.
“What do you mean by that?” Doggett asks.
“I didn’t mean anything by it, John. I’m just curious as to what you think about yourself.” Monica says.
“I just answered your damn question. It doesn’t mean I think I taste good.” Doggett says.
They’re conversation is interrupted by Scully’s voice coming over Doggett’s walkie-talkie.
“Come in John or Mon’.” Scully says.
“Yeah?” Doggett asks.
“Mulder fell and hurt himself and I was wondering if you two could make your way over to him.” Scully asks.
“Doesn’t he have his walkie-talkie?” Doggett asks.
“He lost it when he fell down the hill.” Scully says.
“Convenient.” Monica states under her breath.
“Sure, we can try to make it over to him.” Doggett says.
“Thanks. Over.” Says Scully.
“Looks like the writer is busy taking out walkie-talkies…” Doggett says.
“We better go find Mulder and make sure he’s ok.” Monica says.
They get off their rock and head in the direction that Mulder and Scully were going.
++++++++++++++++
Tears stream down Mulder’s face as he ponders the end of his life. Was this really the end? Who knows… it sure felt like it to him. But then again he isn’t suppose to die in these kinds of stories. Mulder suddenly stops crying when he is alerted by footsteps coming towards him. He looks around in a frantic rush trying to find something, anything to help him fight the rodent of unusual size… if indeed it is a R.O.U.S coming after him. He sees nothing.
The footsteps come closer and closer. Several footsteps by the sound of them.
Oh no, it must be a whole frickin’ army! Mulder thought in his head. Mulder shuts his eyes tightly. For sure this time his life is over. He doesn’t want to see it end. He hasn’t done anything with his life, his goals not accomplished. He still had to find Samantha!
“PLEASE DON’T EAT ME!” Mulder yelled, not yelled, pleaded for his life.
“Agent Mulder?” came a high and squeaky voice, a dreaded voice.
Mulder’s eyes pop open with fear.
“Oh no! HELP!!!!” Mulder yelled, his sanity is on the line.
“Agent Mulder, what has happened?” Ask Agent Leyla Harrison.
“Please no! I don’t want to talk to you! You are a freak!” Mulder yelled, hoping someone else will hear him and come to his rescue.
“But Agent Mulder, I can help you.” Leyla smiled at him.
Mulder cringes in fear as she comes up to him.
“I’m a medical doctor too.” Leyla “assured” him.
“No you’re not!” Mulder yelled.
“Yes, I am. I studied medicine before I rebelled against my family’s wishes and became an FBI agent.” Leyla tells him.
“No you didn’t! That was Scully! You’re NOT SCULLY!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!” Mulder yelled at the top of his lungs.
Behind Agent Leyla Harrison, Mulder spots something moving towards them… It couldn’t be… but it is! It’s a Rodent of Unusual Size!! Is this a good thing? Or a bad thing? What could be worse than Agent Leyla Harrison “treating” Mulder’s wounds and thinking she is a medical doctor? Definitely not a R.O.U.S!
The R.O.U.S approaches them at a fast speed, Mulder squints his eyes, just incase the rodent is after him. All he can hear is terrifying screams of pain, and eventually death. The noises continue for a few moments, then all is quiet. Mulder is still alive, but no sound of Leyla Harrison.
Mulder slowly opens his eyes and sees the R.O.U.S looking right at him.
“Please don’t kill me Mr. R.O.U.S.” Mulder simply asks.
The R.O.U.S just continues to look at him.
In the background, Mulder notices Doggett and Reyes coming to help him. And behind Mulder, coming down the hill, is Scully with her medical supplies. Everyone stops in their tracks when they see Mulder and the R.O.U.S. They also take notice of Agent Leyla Harrison, sprawled out on the ground, bleeding to death… no not to death… she is dead.
Suddenly, the R.O.U.S stands up on it’s hind legs, shocking everyone. It’s forepaw reaches up to it’s head and pulls it off!
Mulder screams like a girl in fear of seeing this R.O.U.S rip it’s head off. However, his screams are silenced when they see that under the R.O.U.S head is the head of… Alex Krycek!
“Krycek?” Mulder asks.
“Yes, that’s right. I’m the R.O.U.S.” Krycek responds.
“I told you didn’t I!” Mulder tells Scully, Doggett and Reyes. “I told you Krycek was an R.O.U.S!”
“Shut up Mulder! I’m not a rat!” Krycek yells.
“Well you sure look like one!” Mulder yells back.
“Did you kill Agent Harrison?” Monica asks Krycek.
“Yes I did. And I’m damn proud of that.” Krycek says with a smirk. “She had been stalking all of you, and I stopped her! You all have me to thank. It was only a matter of time until she killed Scully.”
“What?” Dana asks.
“That’s right, she thought she was you and the only way she could ‘completely’ be you was to kill you.” Krycek explains. “She thought her family wanted her to be a medical doctor and then she had convinced herself that she rebelled against them and became a FBI agent.”
“That’s my life story.” Scully says.
“Exactly.” Krycek says. “But need not fear any longer, I’ve cleaned this world of her rubbish!”
As Krycek stands proud and happy of his accomplishments and for securing the world we…
FADE OUT:
THE END.