Title: A Compilation of Issues

Series: Vicious Strays

Author: Kiara (Kiara_Rogue@hotmail.com)

Pairing: S/X

Rating:This part has grindage and smoochies! Alert! Grindage and smoochies ho! NC-17!

Summary: Necrophiliac monks with a necronomicon help our boys perform necromancy to save the world? Huh?

Disclaimer: I'm not nearly insane enough to be considered even remotely Josslike, so, not mine.

Distribution: Take it, I don' need it.

Feedback: um...yes please? I'm a sad lonely bum so I like it

A/N: Okay so I started this story a zillion years ago and ran out of inspiration and then the other day I was sitting on the bus wondering why the lady in front of me hadn't discovered deodorant yet and my muse attacked. I went home and sat typing from 6 p.m. to 3:30 a.m. when migraine induced blindness forced me to take an unpleasant break. Brynhild is a magnificent thing, she beta'd it so THANK YOU! crazy lady...

This takes place in a Buffy quasi mid-season four kind of place. Anya never came back after prom and so the Scoobies are all in a flirty kind of place. Buffy with Riley, Willow with Tara, and Xander with...um. guess! *snort* And yes. my version of Buffy is insane. Why do you ask?

%%- indicates thoughts

~~~~

Xander went straight home to his dank basement, locked the door and jumped in a steaming shower in which he had a meltdown of a sort. %Okay, why did I enjoy that so much? Spike obviously did, he wants more. Buffy wants me to have more. What the hell is going on? Has the world gone mad? I made out with and humped a chipped vampire to save a book from a ghost that had every right to be all haunty and how the hell'm I ever going to be able to look anyone in the face ever again?!% He whimpered and rested his head on the cool tile in the shower.

%Calm down, Xan. Let's take this issue by issue, shall we. Number One: am I attracted to Spike?% He thought about how it felt to have Spike glued to him, kissing him, and cumming while in his lap. Then he realized that wished he would have messed up Spike's hair when he had the chance. Helmet hair bugged him. But looking down at his hard-on he realized that yes, he was attracted to Spike. %Umkay, fine. I am. He's an attractive person, all flawless perdy muscles. No one can blame me for enjoying his attentions.%

%Number Deux: Do I want to shag Spike silly?% Yet again, little Xander answered for him. He sighed. %Number Three: He's evil!% Little Xander didn't seem to care about that one and Big Xander simply got an image in his head of Spike sleeping on his feet, snuggled adorably into his duster. %Well that old Tomcat is evil and I let him in my bed...% He considered. %And who ever said that the opportunity will ever present itself again? I turned him down and it's not like he's following me around like a lovesick fool. He'll probably forget any of it happened.% He considered his possible plans of action. %Fine, if he offers again I won't say no, but I won't make any offers myself.% He decided and moved on to the next issue.

%Number Four: Buffy is insane and she needs to suffer vengeance.% He pondered that concept as he took care of his hard-on, and then decided just to ponder Buffy naked. Then he pondered Buffy and Spike naked and then ended with that strange concept firmly in mind. "And now we've entered the uber-twilight zone." He informed himself and got out of the shower. He pulled on a pair of plain white boxers and crawled into bed for an extreme nap. The spell had taken quite the toll on his energy stores.

Xander woke in the middle of the night to a feeling of deja vu. He stayed quiet, once again, trying to discern just what had woken him. He couldn't see anything out of place in the dark and he didn't hear anything. He looked up at the cracked window above the bed, waiting for the anticipated yowl. That's when he noticed the smell.

He sniffed deeply and frowned. There was a slight breeze drifting through the window and it carried the scent of cigarette smoke on it. His first thought went to Spike. But why would Spike be outside when he never showed any qualms about breaking in uninvited? Weird. Maybe it wasn't Spike. It could just as easily be a different type of creature of the night. Or it could even be a burglar casing the joint. The thought of someone wanting any of his crap almost made him laugh but he stifled it in case he missed a sound to clue him in.

A second later he heard the sound that he'd expected first. The impatient yowl of the stupid cat demanding entrance. Xander rolled his eyes and was sitting up when he registered a different sound, someone whispering. He froze, listening.

"No! Shut the bloody hell up you git!" A familiar British voice threatened. The cat yowled again. "Shut it or I'll bite you!" The voice sounded worried. The cat yowled again, sounding put-upon. "I'll rip off your tail you twit!" A hissing sound and then a string of whispered curses. "That soddin' hurt!"

Xander had to clamp his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing. Apparently Spike was stalking his house and had met his match. He bit his lip to keep from cackling and rolled out of bed, wrapping his blanket around him. He made his way to the door wondering why vicious strays always found him so appealing. In fact, "vicious stray" would work to describe most of the women he'd dated in the past.

When he opened the door the stray wasn't waiting like usual. Puzzled, he made his way around the side of the house to the windows and stopped when he found Spike and the Tomcat engaged in a staring contest. Spike had his vamp face on and was stooped over so he could look the cat in the eye. Xander was fascinated at the clash between two sets of such creepy yellow, unblinking eyes. Neither of them noticed his approach.

"Y'know, instead of yowling outside the window, Spike, you could just knock." He commented, smirking when the vampire and the cat both jumped turned to face him. The cat mewled plaintively and threw an evil look at the vampire before moving across the lawn to wind himself around Xander's bare feet. Spike was still glaring death at the cat. "Come inside and I'll let you sleep on my feet." Xander offered, turning to head back to the door. He paused and threw a grin back at Spike. "If you can fight off the little kitty-cat." Spike snarled, but followed him and the cat back into the basement.

As was his custom, the cat jumped on the bed and meowed imperiously for Xander to assume his usual position. He did as he was ordered and then turned in bed to look at the vampire who stood scowling at the cat. "Bossy thing, innit?" He crossed his arms over his chest and proceeded to pout through his fangs at the cat on Xander's feet. "Stole my spot." He whined.

Xander sighed and moved over a bit, ignoring the displeased growl from the cat as it was forced to move with his feet. "Sleep here. Just take off your damn boots." He ordered. For once the vampire obeyed and sat on the edge of the bed to pull off his boots. He then shucked off his duster and flung it over the cat which hissed and then remade the leather into a new bed. Spike pulled off his t-shirt then squirmed out of his tight jeans to reveal a very familiar pair of boxers. "Spike, why are you wearing my Lara Croft boxers?" Xander asked, bemused. Spike merely grinned and slid into bed beside the sleepy human.

"I'm evil?" He offered. Xander sighed and after a moment's consideration, he looped an arm around the vampire's waist and pulled him into his side. "Wanna shag?" The vampire asked, sounding surprised but pleased. Xander snorted and nuzzled the side of his head.

"Nah. Wanna sleep. Ask me later." He muttered and was soon fast asleep, snuggled up to a dead guy with an evil cat guarding his feet from everyone including himself.

so yeah...the end for now and stuff....meheheh...