Title: It's Not Christopher Lowell

Series: Vicious Strays

Author: Kiara (Kiara_Rogue@hotmail.com)

Pairing: S/X

Rating: overall NC-17, but its pretty tame most chapters. There'll be a warning before the nookie.

Summary: Necrophiliac monks with a necronomicon help our boys perform necromancy to save the world? Huh?

Disclaimer: I'm not nearly insane enough to be considered even remotely Josslike, so, not mine.

Distribution: Take it, I don' need it.

Feedback: um...yes please? I'm a sad lonely bum so I like it

A/N: Okay so I started this story a zillion years ago and ran out of inspiration and then the other day I was sitting on the bus wondering why the lady in front of me hadn't discovered deodorant yet and my muse attacked. I went home and sat typing from 6 p.m. to 3:30 a.m. when migraine induced blindness forced me to take an unpleasant break. And now I have it. Its unbetaed so all mistakes are mine, but here it is.

This takes place in a Buffy quasi mid-season four kind of place. Anya never came back after prom and so the Scoobies are all in a flirty kind of place. Buffy with Riley, Willow with Tara, and Xander with...um. guess! *snort* And yes, my version of Buffy is insane. Why do you ask?

%%- indicates thoughts

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Xander returned home that night after a long exhausting and ultimately fruitless day of research. They'd narrowed the possible Bad down to something that was not a poltergeist, and not a vampire. So yeah, whole lotta nothin'. Xander entered his basement and carried the sack of pigs blood he'd gotten from the butchers to the fridge and put it inside. Looking around he saw that the bathroom door was closed and light peeked from the crack between it and the floor. The sound of running water indicated that Spike was showering.

Xander flipped on the television for some background noise and set about making the individual packet of microwave macaroni and cheese that would be his dinner into something edible. He was just sitting down in front of an ancient episode of Star Trek on the sci-fi channel to eat his macaroni when Spike came out of the bathroom smelling of hair gel and Xander's cologne. He was wearing just his black jeans and Xander took a moment to seethe in jealousy over the demon's abs. %I'm the one running around all day getting my ass kicked and doing physical labor for little or no money, and he's the one with the perfect physique. I hate vampires.% The vamp was half-starved and it only made him look that much more defined.

Spike ignored his gracious host and wandered into the kitchenette to pick through the fridge. Xander hid a grin behind a forkful of mac and cheese when Spike threw him a startled look upon discovering the blood. "Why, peaches, I didn't know you cared!" He exclaimed with a smirk. Xander shrugged.

"You look like a teenage girl with an eating disorder, Spike." Spike scowled and pulled a container out of the bag and pulled off the lid. Walking over to the pull-out bed, he sprawled next to Xander on the end of it and took a sip of the pigs blood.

"You tossers figure out what roughed up the Professor and Mary-Anne last night?" He asked after a minute of Shatner's stunning acting skills.

"Well, its not a poltergeist." Xander informed him.

"Oh really, then what is it?" Spike asked, oozing indifference.

"Its not a vampire either." Spike gave Xander a 'duh' look that creepily resembled Buffy's look of the same name. "And we're pretty sure its not Christopher Lowell." He added with a grin. Spike raised an eyebrow. "And thats pretty much all we know, and we're not even sure about the Christopher Lowell thing..." Xander put his bowl on the floor and rubbed his face tiredly. "And seeing as tomorrow is Sunday and I don't hafta go to work, I will no doubt be following up on the nothing we found today. Oh joy." With that he thunked backward on his bed and kicked off his shoes.

The phone was cruel enough to ring then and Xander groaned from beneath his hands. "You get it, Spike. My arms won't move." He expected Spike to ignore him, knowing that Spike'd already exceeded his quasi-friendliness quota for the day, but he was wrong.

He heard Spike pick up the phone then snap. "What?" Xander let himself grin into his palms. He hoped it was a telemarketer. He'd overheard Spike bitching one out at Giles' place once and it'd been hilarious. Not that he'd ever admit it. "Sod off, 'e's dead. You lot killed him with your bad fashion sense and rancid puns." %What?% Xander removed his hands from his face so he could see Spike. The vampire looked bored. "If I killed the git would I give you the credit?" He asked after a moment. A bout of yelling audible from wear he was lying identified the caller as Buffy. Xander sighed.

"Gimme the phone, Spike." He said, holding his hand out for the receiver.

"Keep your frillies on, Slayer." He snarked as he tossed the phone to Xander. He fumbled it but saved the catch at the last second and put it to his ear.

"I'm here and not dead." He reported to the phone. He heard Buffy make a frustrated sound.

"Your little boyfriend is getting annoying, Xander." She teased after calming a bit. Spike choked on his blood. And glared at Xander. The brunet couldn't help but snicker. %Stupid vamp should know not to eavesdrop.%

"Wow, Buffy, if you were wondering how to make him hate you more, you just hit the jackpot." He told her. Spike snarled and went back to drinking his blood. "But really, think about how his rejection is hurting my self-esteem. You're making me face painful truths here."

"Oh, I'm so sorry if I've damaged you in any way." Buffy apologized overly sweetly. He heard Giles' voice say something snippy-sounding in the background. "Okay, enough small talk, Xan. We were attacked again and this time Giles heard chanting and wrote it down and then Willow saw it and it happened to be a form of gibberish that she recognizes so we can figure out what it is." Xander blinked and wondered at Buffy's conversation priorities. He was pretty sure attacks fell under a "get straight to the point" heading. "The brainiacs have more data to collate or something so I'm stuck cleaning up the mess, but I was told to tell you to get your butt over here first thing in the morning for some heavy duty book abuse." Xander sighed.

"Yes ma'am. I'll be there bright-tailed and bushy-eyed with coffee and such ." He promised.

"Good, seeya then," She said, then in a louder voice meant for Spike, "If you break his heart, Spike, I'll break your arms!" Xander groaned and Spike growled.

"Remind me to beat you to death with your own arm later, 'kay?" Xander said sweetly and got up to hang up the phone. "When the chip comes out make sure you smack her a few times for me." He told the vampire as he picked up his dirty dishes and took them to the sink.

"You could save me some time and kill her yourself." Spike offered magnanimously. He was pulling on his duster. "Ta for the blood, mate, if you need me don't call." He left the basement with a swish of leather and Xander waved absently at his back from the sink.