Title: Really Fond of Dead People

Series: Vicious Strays

Author: Kiara (Kiara_Rogue@hotmail.com)

Pairing: S/X

Rating: overall NC-17, but its pretty tame most chapters. There'll be a warning before the nookie.

Summary: Necrophiliac monks with a necronomicon help our boys perform necromancy to save the world? Huh?

Disclaimer: I'm not nearly insane enough to be considered even remotely Josslike, so, not mine.

Distribution: Take it, I don' need it.

Feedback: um...yes please? I'm a sad lonely bum so I like it

A/N: Okay so I started this story a zillion years ago and ran out of inspiration and then the other day I was sitting on the bus wondering why the lady in front of me hadn't discovered deodorant yet and my muse attacked. I went home and sat typing from 6 p.m. to 3:30 a.m. when migraine induced blindness forced me to take an unpleasant break. And now I have it. Its unbetaed so all mistakes are mine, but here it is.

Thanks to everyone who's sent feedback...Especially Brynhild! She made me all glowy. And Megg and Miki and Janet! Wooo!

This takes place in a Buffy quasi mid-season four kind of place. Anya never came back after prom and so the Scoobies are all in a flirty kind of place. Buffy with Riley, Willow with Tara, and Xander with...um. guess! *snort* And yes, my version of Buffy is insane. Why do you ask?

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Xander half woke when his alarm went off at six in the morning then finished waking when someone that wasn't him smacked his alarm off. He sat up quickly and saw that yet again there was a bleached vampire sleeping diagonally across the foot of the bed, his boots by Xander's head, his duster-pillowed head on Xander's feet. Xander scowled at him for a minute, mostly pissed that he'd slept through a vampire breaking into his locked apartment and cozying up to his feet. He was lucky nothing more sinister than Spike had found him so out of it.

He wiggled his feet under the duster hoping to annoy the vampire. His only response was growling rumble from the snoozing demon and an inexplicable increase in the weight pushing down on his feet. %He really is like that old tomcat.% Xander mused. He absently pondered whether he should start leaving blood out on his porch in a saucer for Spike.

He attempted to withdraw his feet so he could get up then, but was thwarted when the sleeping Spike wrapped a restraining arm around his ankle. Vampire strength was quite enough to leave him stuck. He sighed and stretched forward to prod Spike on the shoulder. "Spike wake up. Move." Spike made a negative noise and snuggled his face into his duster. "Seriously Spike, I need my feet. They're necessary for the walking." He prodded his shoulder a little harder. No response. "Dear GOD! Is that a wombat?!" He yelled suddenly. Spike jumped up in shock, looking around for a threat. Xander took the opportunity to escape to the bathroom.

"Wanker!" Came the slurred insult a moment later. Xander grinned to himself and set about showering and dressing to go research big boring evil. When he headed out he noted that the vampire had taken Xander's place in bed, buried underneath the covers. He sighed in annoyance wishing the twit would take off his damn boots before he insisted on molesting his bed. He spent a few minutes on the way to pick up coffee and donuts pondering Spike. Things with the vampire had been strange lately. They'd hardly fought at all and Xander was trying to figure out exactly why. By the time he'd reached Buffy's house he'd come to a simple conclusion. The vampire was being nice to him so he was being nice back. As long as Spike behaved like a relatively normal person, he decided that he'd treat him as such. It was really much easier than constantly thinking up new and unpleasant ways to make the vampire hate them all.

Xander found the others in Buffy's living room looking much like zombie creatures. The living room itself was in a state of disrepair that must've set Joyce to wincing. Everything was shredded, the couches and chairs showing their stuffing, deep scratched in the table tops. "Wow." He commented as the zombies zeroed in on his offerings of sugar and caffeine.

"Actually it was more of an 'Aah!' at the time." Buffy said, already looking a bit perkier after a couple swigs of latte. "We were lucky Mom was still at work and Willow was at the dorm. Me and Giles already knew to flee before things got too slicey." Xander settled himself on the shredded couch by Willow who was engrossed in the book she'd been clutched the day before.

"Willow, my intrepid compadre, you don't call, you don't write. I'm starting to think you love that book more than you love me!" He teased. She flashed him a distracted smile.

"Which is actually a good thing since this book is what's going to get rid of the evil tornado of doom." She said and looked to Giles. Giles nodded and settled in a chair with another sip at his coffee.

"It seems that the attacks are related to the book." He said and took a bite of his donut.

"I've been studying it for a while now and I've figured out that its a kind of handbook for an Order of creepy monks who worshiped dead people." Willow continued for him. "Um....they reeeeeeallly like dead people...a little too much..." She babbled, looking creeped out. "At the end there's a warning about a ghost that haunts the book. They include a rather....detailed account of just why this particular ghost is so pissed and they have a ritual to destroy it."

"So whats the problem? We do the ritual, book monster goes bye bye." Xander said anxious to get it over with so he could go home and take a nap.

"Er...its not that simple." She said fidgeting. At their prodding looks she continued. "Well, I was wondering why the ghost was still all haunty when they knew how to get rid of it so I took a closer look at the ritual. They never performed the ritual because it requires a dead man to say the incantation and the monks didn't exactly have lots of dead men hanging around them."

"Which isn't exactly a problem for us," Buffy pointed out. "We're up to our ears in chatty dead people. Xander can just have his lover come read it." She caught the donut Xander flung at her head.

"Lover? Xander has a dead male lover?" Willow asked with a confused blink. Giles sighed. "Why didn't you tell me Xander? I'm supposed to know these things and I can't know them if you don't keep me informed!" She insisted.

"I don't have a lover, Wills. Buffy is just slaying a bad joke to death." Xander told her with a reassuring pat. "She'd right though, we can just have Spike read it, no problem." Willow nodded, looking at him suspiciously as if he'd be lying about his lover.

"Well I figured we could use Spike but theres a little issue with the rest of the ritual." She said, wrinkling her nose. "Its a little bit oogy."

"What does it say, Willow?" Giles asked impatiently. She opened the book to the write page and, making an "ick" face, summarized for them.

"Well there's pretty standard circle and candle stuff but then there's the dead guy chanting and then a living guy kinda has to make with the smoochies with the dead guy and then the-uh-sexual energy should transfer into the ghosty thingy and make it solid enough to kill, which will banish it to the next world." Willow explained in a rush. "Um....did I mention that the monks were really fond of dead people? Cuz they are. The ghost is the spirit of a guy the head priest killed way back in the day and took offense at what the priest...uh...did to the corpse...." The others stared at her for a minute then Giles pulled the book out of her hands to confirm what she'd told them.

"Um...so can we just sell the book on ebay and never see it again?" Xander asked, a thick feeling of dread building in the base of his spine. "Cuz yeah, I don't think anyone here's going to make out with Spike any time soon." He glanced at Buffy for support and saw only an evil smile. He shuddered and edged closer to Willow.

"Well Xander, isn't this an entertaining coincidence?" She commented and grinned wider when he shivered in fear.

"Well this is certainly an unpleasant turn of events, but it can not be helped." Giles said, handing the book back to Willow, looking slightly ill. He exchanged a nervous look with Xander.

"Can we hire a gigolo?" Xander asked hopefully.

"Oh Spikey!" Xander whirled to see Buffy speaking into the phone. "Get up and brush your teeth. Xander needs you for something." She purred into the phone. "You'll see when you get here. Xander'll pick you up." She hung up and turned her attention to Xander. "Well you better go fetch your date, Xan. He's waiting for you..." Xander looked to Giles.

"Help?" He requested. Giles gave him a look that clearly indicated that he was on his own. He scowled and turned back to Buffy. "C'mon, Giles is a living male too and he's soooo better at the spell thing." He plead. Buffy made a face.

"I am soooo not watching Giles make out with Spike, Xander." She said, ignoring Giles' snort. She grabbed Xander by the shoulders and propelled him across the room to the door. "Y'know I think I'll come with you too, just to make sure you don't run away." She dragged him out to the car.