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Alexander Harris

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  As I stood, feeling useless in the abandoned gas station, I found myself pondering the evil that was General Gregor.  There was nothing more annoying that a stupid fanatic.  Smart fanatics at least had a clue.  But stupid fanatics?  Pfft.  Damn irritating, all of 'em.  Almost as irritating as the mess leaning against the wall a few feet away.  I sighed and turned as Spike whispered an "Ow." as he attempted to light his cigarette with torn hands.

The vampire looked so pathetic that I felt a rare moment of comradery with the twit.  We were both rather pathetic, weren't we?  I was a weak ass little human and Spike?  He couldn't even light his own cigarette. 

I shrugged internally and made my way over to him.  I ignored the wary look he gave me and took the lighter from him.  When he saw what I was doing he sighed and said: "Thanks." Which in itself was weird.  Spike saying "Thanks".  If anything is a sign that the world's going to end this time, its that.

I held the lighter on for him until his cigarette was lit then put the lighter in my pocket.  Ha!  Now I have a souvenir to commemorate the one time I was nice to Spike for no real reason!  I shook off the obviously crazy thoughts and try to think of something to say.  I was going to push the borders of sanity a bit more and make conversation with the guy.  "You know, those things'll kill you."  I commented, looking pointedly at the cigarette.   The vampire just gave me a look.  "Oh.  Right."  I said, stifling a grin.  Already dead, duh.

I leaned against the wall beside him while he smoked, trying to think of something else to say.  "I mention today how much I don't like you?"  I asked.  I really couldn't remember if I had.  Before Spike could answer, there was a flash of light and then there was no Spike.  There was a tree.  And then gravity caught up to me and my leaning body, now unsupported, fell backward.

I "oof"ed as I hit the ground and looked around, stunned.  The rundown building was gone, everyone inside and out of it was gone, and on top of that, it seemed the desert was gone as well.  I sat on a dirt and pine needle carpet in the middle of a forest.  A dark and kind of creepy forest.  "Um...Spike?"  I called tentatively.  "Buffy?  Anyone?"  Nothing answered but the distant sound of a bird singing.  I hauled my bruised ass off the ground and brushed the dirt off, still studying my surroundings.  I listened carefully for a moment, then shivered.  It was quiet.  Yes there was a bird singing and a light breeze rustled about in the trees above my head, but otherwise: complete and utter silence. 

"Okay, Xand-man, think.  Is this an alternate dimension like Anya told us about?"  I looked up passed the huge trees at the clearest blue sky I'd ever seen.  "Doesn't look like a Hell dimension..."

After a moment of marveling at the pretty sky, I started to detect a faint sound that was slowly but steadily growing louder.  I listened carefully for a minute before discerning that it was a man singing a disturbingly jaunty tune.  I couldn't really distinguish the words, but as the singer came closer and I started considering hiding in the foliage, the singing stopped.  The man had been interrupted by a loudly complaining woman's voice.  I could easily understand her. 

"Why must everything you sing be so happy?"  She whined.  Her voice seemed strangely familiar.  "Can't you sing a good old fashioned dirge for once?  I swear, sometimes I think I'm living with Barney."  Barney!  Pop-culture reference!  I started pushing through the bushes toward the voices. 

"Hello?"  I called.  I pushed through a stubbornly tough little bush that scratched the hell out of me.  I popped out of it into a small clearing and came face to face with the two speakers from before.  A short man, about five feet tall stood grinning cheerfully through a bristling brown beard.  His blue eyes were twinkling in an excessively merry fashion that reminded me of Santa Clause.  He wore a bright blue jacket and the weirdest pair of yellow boots I'd seen yet.  On top of his head was what could only be described as a pimp hat.  It had a feather and everything.  He opened his mouth to speak but his companion cut him off with a flick of her hand and stepped in front of him.  She scowled back at the man.

"Don't you start singing and rhyming at the poor guy, you'll make his head implode."  She snapped.  Santa Pimp merely grinned and hummed to himself, hopping a bit on his yellow-clad toes.  I wrenched my uncomprehending stare from him to the woman.  The look of fond exasperation in her eyes reassured him that she wasn't going to stared biting heads off.  

She was taller than the guy by only a few inches, with lightly tanned skin and long wavy brown hair down to her waist.  Her eyes were the same dark brown as mine, and her growing smile looked familiar.  She wore a long medieval-looking gown in a silvery-blue with a thick blue belt etched with a floral pattern.  Long flowing sleeves covered her hands and her skirt covered her feet and a wreath of little blue blossoms perched on her head.  She was pretty.  Kind of reminded me of the pictures I'd seen of my mother when she was my age, flower-child get-up and all.  I was so distracted by my thoughts that I almost didn't notice when she held out her hand to me.

"Tom said to expect you and some others, is there anyone else with you...?"  She asked, hinting for my name.  I snapped out of my trip to lala-land and reached out to shake her hand.  Her touch was cool and gentle and strangely calming.

"Xander,"  I introduced myself.  "Xander Harris."  She paled and shot a glance over her shoulder at the Pimp, but didn't release my hand.  "Um...do you know how I got here or how I get back?  I was kind of in the middle of my some pretty serious impending doom that my friends will need help with..."  She finally dropped my hand and visibly composed herself.  

"According to Tom," She pointed her thumb over her shoulder at the guy, "You're friends are all here too.  I don't see any of them with you now so I'm assuming they were scattered when you all entered the portal..."  I blinked.

"Portal?  There was no portal."  I told her.  "I think I would've noticed anything remotely portal-like."  She looked confused. 

"What was the last thing you saw?"  She asked.

"Um...I was talking to Spike and he opened his mouth to say something and then there was a flash.  No portal of any kind."  She looked startled at the mention of Spike. 

"You were talking to Spike?"  I frowned.  She was looking at me like I was a new species of crazy.

"Yeah.  You know him?"  At that she suddenly grinned.  "Him?"  She let loose a laugh.  "I know something of him."  She giggled and turned to Tom.  "Alternate everythings!"  She exclaimed.  Tom grinned at her and stepped forward. 

"Come, good guest, and follow Tom and Allie.  They'll lead you too a merry feast and tell you what they're able!"  And with that, a hop, a skip, and a jump, the little guy was off into the woods.  I looked at the woman.  She was rolling her eyes. 

"He's very....exuberant..."  I offered with a timid smile.  She smirked at that.

"He's nuts."  She stated and linked her arm with mine.  "I've had three years to get used to it and there're still days that I wish I had some Marilyn Manson or Patsy Cline to balance out the happy crap."  I blinked at her in surprise.  "Yeah, I'm not from around here, either." 

"Where exactly is 'here', anyway?"  I ventured.  She raised an eyebrow at me.

"You haven't figured it out yet?"  I gave her one of my expert blank looks.  She grinned almost evilly and turned her attention forward.  "Hey Tom!  Sing us a favorite, Pops!"  She called.  I continued on through the forest that was strangely far easier to negotiate than it was before I met the two.  Up ahead of us I heard Tom burst into a song and I almost tripped on my own feet when I heard the words and made the necessary connections.

Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!

Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow!

Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!

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a/n: DUN Dun dun!  *cough*  so, yeah.  We all saw that one coming a mile away....