Lila sat up with Justin sometime in the middle of the night. She hadn't been able to fall fully asleep therefore, neither could Justin. She rocked him back and forth and it was slowly lulling him to sleep. For some odd reason, she couldn't get Kevin to leave her mind. She yawned and tried to cover it with her free hand. Justin whimpered and shifted in her arms.
She knew now that she liked Kevin a little more than a friend. But, inside, she felt guilty. Part of her heart still belonged to Scott and always would, but then again part of it was beginning to belong to Kevin. When he had asked her to move in with him in Orlando, she was surprised, shocked. But a part of her wanted to say 'yes' and move with him next week. But she felt bad.
She was being torn it two different directions. She felt something for Kevin, she wasn't really sure what it WAS but she felt something for him. She sighed and put Justin into the bassinet and pulled her feet up underneath her as she looked out the window at the darkened sky. Would Scott hate her? Would his parents and the rest of his family hate her if she moved on? And what if Kevin didn't feel the same? So many things were running through Lila's mind that she couldn't seem to make sense of it all.
She reached behind her and pulled the book she had been using as a journal since Justin came home and found the page she had been writing in earlier. It was time to put her thoughts on to paper; then maybe she could begin to make some sense of everything.
I never thought that I could ever love someone as much as I did Scott. He was the man of my dreams, my Prince Charming, he was the guy that every girl wanted to be with in high school, that every girl dreamt about. And I got him. But now that he is gone, and now that I have a baby, I love Justin more than anything I can put down on paper...it's like...amazing that he is mine. I don't think I'm doing too bad of a job as a mother, although tonight he has been kept awake by me, I think. But being a mom is so scary...and without Scott it's even scarier. I often wonder if Scott knows, if he's watching Justin...or even me. I hate the fact that I didn't tell (or know) Scott left on his last mission. Kevin has been an anchor in my life since I came to live in Kentucky..he keeps me calm and is just such a great friend; I can't believe he is in my life now. The odd thing is is that, I think I feel more for Kevin than I want to let on. I mean, HELLO, I had a baby and lost my fiancee in the span of nine months, I don't know if I'm truly ready to move on with another man, but then again I think I am. I've been thinking alot, and those thoughts have been filled with Kevin. Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? But does that make me a bad person? Would Scott totally hate me if I moved on, and what if that person WAS Kevin? You know what, I need to get some sleep because I have a baby that is going to wake up before dawn and I need all the energy I can get. I think I may talk to Mary later...hopefully she won't kick me out. :) Lila.
Kevin rolled over in bed as the alarm went off in his ear. He groaned and blinked as the sunlight practically made him blind. He had been up nearly all night and had finally climbed up the stairs and into his bed. His dreams had been filled, once more, with memories of his childhood with Scott, and then what his (future?) would be like with Lila. It was weird.
He sat up, rubbing the sleep away, remembering a very odd part to his dream.
"Hey...when'd you come for a visit?"
"This isn't any normal visit Kev. He's beautiful."
"Who?"
"Justin."
"You know about him?"
Scott smiled, "Just cause I died doesn't mean I don't know things. I was there the whole time. Thanks for takin' care of her, man."
"It's nothing..she's a wonderful person."
Scott smiled softly, "She is. And I heard you, I won't hate you."
"Huh?," Kevin was confused, he had heard what?
"Dude..sometimes you ARE dense. I heard what you said in your backyard earlier. In fact, I want her to move on. She shouldn't be alone and neither should you. So, you two should just get over whatever fears you have and go for it."
"You KNOW?"
Scott nodded, "Yep..I told you I've been here the whole time Kev. You'd be good for her and Justin and she'd be just as good for you."
"You don't care?"
"Of course I care, but I had a little something do with you two being friends the way you are."
"Are...are you okay Scott?"
"I'm good, man. I'm happy for Lila...she always wanted to be a mom...and she's doing wonderfully, although she doesn't see it like that all the time. And I know she's lonely and feels as if she has noone in the world to care about her. She's going to through some more rough times, nothing too too serious, but I think your idea WAS a good one. Although, I have to take SOME credit because I kinda made ya tell her today about moving to Orlando."
Kevin smiled, "Always takin' credit."
"You know it."
"You won't hate me or her..."
"No Kevin. She needs to move on, I can't love her like I used to...she deserves that love again."
"I like her Scott..I'll admit it...does she feel the same way?"
Scott smiled and looked upwards suddenly, "That I can't tell you. Just...take care of her and Justin. I'll be around, you just won't know it. Now...wake up."
Kevin broke his gaze from staring out the window. That was SO weird. But hey, he didn't NOT completely belive in the whole reincarnation/after-life thing. Maybe Scott was looking out for them all in some way. He smiled, maybe Lila WOULD move to Orlando.
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