The Final Exam

THE FINAL EXAM


INSTRUCTIONS: Read each question thoroughly.  Answer all
             questions.

          Time limit--four hours.  Begin immediately.


HISTORY: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins
to the present day, concentrate specifically but not
exclusively, on the social, political, economic, religious,
and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa.
Be brief, concise and specific.

LITERATURE: Compose an epic poem based on the events of your
own life in which you see and footnote allusions from T.S.
Eliot, Keats, Chaucer, Dante, Norse mythology and the Marx
brothers.  Critique your poem with a full discussion of its
metrics.

MUSIC: Write a piano concerto.  Orchestrate it and perform it
with flute and drum.  You will find a piano under your seat.

LOGIC: Using accepted methodology prove all four of the
following: That the universe is infinite; that truth is
beauty; that there is not a little person who turns off the
light in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that
you are the person taking this exam.  Now disprove all of the
above.  Be specific; show all work.

PHILOSOPHY: Sketch the development of human thought; estimate
its significance.  Compare with the development of any other
kind of thought.

MEDICINE: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece
of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch.  Remove your own appendix.
Do not suture until your work has been inspected.  You have
fifteen minutes.

BIOLOGY: Create life.  Estimate the differences in subsequent
human culture if this form of life had developed five hundred
years earlier, with special attention to the probable effects
on the English Parliamentary system.  Prove your thesis.

PSYCHOLOGY: Employing principles from the major schools of
psychoanalytic thought, successfully subject yourself to
analysis.  Make appropriate personality changes, bill yourself
and fill out all medical insurance forms.  Now do the same to
the person seated to your immediate left.


 SOCIOLOGY: Estimate the sociological problems that might
accompany the end of the world.  Show how boy meets girl
theory developed.  Construct and experiment to test your
theory.

ECONOMICS: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the
national debt.  Trace the possible effects of you plan in the
following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave
theory of light.  Outline a method from all points of view.
Point out deficiencies in your argument as demonstrated in
your answer to the last question.

COMPUTER SCIENCE: Define computer.  Define Science.  How do
they relate?  Why?  Create a generalized algorithm to optimize
all computer decisions.  Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50
terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm, design
the communications to interface and all the necessary control
programs.

PUBLIC SPEAKING: 2,500 riot crazed students are storming the
classroom.  Calm them.  You may use any ancient language
except Latin or Greek.

PHYSICS: Explain the nature of matter.  Include in your answer
an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics
on science.

AGRICULTURAL SCIENCE: Outline the steps involved in breeding
your own super high yield, all weather hybrid strain of wheat.
Describe its chemical and physical properties and estimate its
impact on world food supplies.  Construct a model for dealing
with world-wide surpluses.  Write your Nobel Prize acceptance
speech.

COMPREHENSION: three minute time test.  Read everything before
doing anything.  Put your name in the upper right hand corner
of this page.  Circle the word name in sentence three.  Sign
your name under the title of this paper, after the title write
yes, yes, yes. Put an X in the lower left hand corner of this
paper.  Draw a triangle around the X you just put down.  On
the back of this paper multiply 703x668.  Loudly call out your
name when you get to this point.  If you think you have
followed directions carefully to this point call out "I have."
Punch three small holes in the top of this paper.  If you are
the first person to get this far, call out "I am the first
person to this point, I am leading in following directions."
On the reverse side of this paper add 8950 and 9850.  Put a
circle around your answer and put a square around the circle.
Now that you have finished reading carefully, do only sentence
two.

POLITICAL SCIENCE: There is a red telephone on the desk behind
you.  Start World War III.  Report at length on its socio-
political effects, if any.
 
MATHMATICS: Give today's date--in metric.

CHEMISTRY. Transform lead into gold. You will find a tripod
and three logs under your seat. Show all work including
Feynman diagrams and quantum functions for all steps. You have
fifteen minutes.


EXTRA CREDIT

Define the Universe.  Give two examples.