The Maskirovka Of English

Crazy English

Let’s face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day an cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

I have given this subject some thought and decided that the reason for this linguistic confusion stems from an aspect of American character that Europeans seem rather fond of continually pointing out, complaining and generally commenting on.

The fact that Americans are militarilistic.

Our linguistic obsticacle course is the American Version of Soviet Maskirovka.

The Soviet Military Encyclopaedia defines maskirovka thus: "The means of securing combat operations and the daily activities of forces; a complexity of measures, directed to mislead the enemy regarding the presence and disposition of forces, various military objectives, their condition, combat readiness and operations, and also the plans of the commander... maskirovka contributes to the achievement of surprise for the actions of forces, the preservation of combat readiness and the increased survivability of objectives." It permeates down to the lowest tactical level and includes all measures, active and passive, designed to deceive the enemy. Although the word is sometimes translated as 'camouflage', this belies its much broader meaning which includes: concealment (skrytie), imitation using decoys and dummies (imitasiia), manoeuvres intended to deceive (demonstratinvnye manevry) and disinformation (dezinformatsiia). - source: Jon Latimer,Deception in War , The Overlook Press, Woodstock & New York 2001

But while the Soviet used Maskirovka in areas such as The False Maps of Maskirovka

In the countries of Central and Eastern Europe, maps lied. Whole towns were placed incorrectly, omitted altogether, minimized, exaggerated, or distorted. The confluence of rivers, the forking of roads, the damp darkness of tunnels were all subjected to the vagaries of official paranoia. No two maps were alike. Biblically, the mountains were made to dance. Moscow's maps were the most fictional, leading the innocents abroad down the garden paths to blind alleys and dead ends. Such maps were intended to misdirect foreigners and citizens alike and had a most Kafkaesque effect on daily life.

This was but a small part of "Maskirovka" - an open and authorized policy, a conscious decision to subvert language itself, to divert topology, to disinform, to transform reality into an inane hall of mirrors. It was part of the pathologizing process called "Communism" - and it did not stop at maps. Everything was falsified: production figures were inflated, dates were altered, old photographs retouched, alliances and enmities swapped. It fostered a nightmarish state of mind replete with seemingly capricious twists and turns and "Alice in Wonderland" (lack of) logic. With all meaning usurped, language lost both its function and its structure. It metastasized.

Which by the way is still causing problems in present Russia, which maps are really true?

But Americans have taken it the final step, we have applied Maskirovka to our common vernacular. Yes to truly understand our idioms, one must be American. Even if someone comes to America, immerses themself in our language, by the time they achieve comprehension?

Mwah hah Hah HAH!
They have become AMERICAN!

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