It eats away at your heart and tears you apart. It lives in you. It never goes away. Each time it bites, it hurts more and more and more...and you can't stand the pain any longer. Every night, you quietly cry yourself to sleep, hoping the others won't hear. Every day you pray for it to get better, to go away. Every hour you hurt. And it never, ever stops.
Angie and I are in hot water. That isn't my biggest problem now. My biggest one is love. Love from anyone. From everyone. At the concerts I look out and see all of these signs for Nick and Brian. Nick and Brian. Everything is Nick and Brian. Brian and Nick. Always. Always, always in the limelight. I need affection. From the fans. From Angie. From Nick. From someone...
This isn't for me anymore. At first it was the best thing that happened to me; it probably still is. But each time it chips away...the fans. I want a sign. I want two signs. I want fans. I want someone to yell, "I love you Kevin, never give up!" at an autograph signing.
Angie. I want her to love me. I want her to see that this isn't my fault; that I didn't do this to myself. I would never wish this upon myself. Never. The sick twisted people that pretend. Those sick people, they don't know. They will never know. It hurts. They want attention. I'm empty.
I wish I could tell someone. Someone close, someone who would understand this pain....someone I could trust. I want out. But it traps me. I can't get out. I'm drowning in sorrow. And over what? I don't know.
We're going to make the sixth album when we get home. Home. Orlando. Mommy. Jerald. Tim. Home. My life....Angie. Home.
I never understood the question "is the glass half full or half empty?". But I get it now. And mine is half empty. My glass is my heart. My heart is my soul. And my soul is dying. Someone take the pain away.
Chapter 14
