18th of May 2000Wow it’s been 5months since I’ve written. See how inconsistent I am. It’s awful. I would have more enteries but since I was trying to get my page actually up and running, so there was at least something to read, I haven’t had the time to write my thoughts down. Html can be such a bother sometimes, but oh well. I’ll try harder to at least, at the most write once a month, doh!
Today was like most other days, boring, familiar yet comfortable in its routine. I don’t know why I long to hang on to what doesn’t change. I love change but I hate it too. They are one and the same too me. I love that fact that some things stay the same. Yes, at times its becomes boring and monotonous but when the rest of your world is falling apart they are always there to rely on and cling to. I like that fact I go to Mc Donalds, no matter where I am and know that its going to taste exactly like the last time I brought it. I like the fact that when I go home my cat is always there to greet me at the door for a cuddle. I’m glad that Dawsons Creek always plays on Thursdays at 8:30pm, that the smell of Irish tea and biscuits wakes me every morning. The stars shine even when they’re hidden by clouds, there’s always someone to chat to online and the soft melodies of music on the radio continue to play all night, as I drift into slumber. It’s when these things change, that I become lost and drown in these overwhealming waves of change. Nothing to grab hold of, to keep you above water, nothing to rescue you from the dangerous depths. Its gone. Mc Donalds won't always have the same burgers, Dawsons Creek won't always air on Thrusday. The aroma of Irish tea and biscuits won't always awake me in the mornings and my beautiful cat won't live forvever to greet me for a cuddle at the door. It’s sad that things don’t last forever and although we kinda hope they will. They won’t. We can dream and pretend they will but that wont stop the reality of it all when it doesn’t live forever. Like everything else it too will change.
I think what I hate the most about change is the fact that people change or your opinion of them will, if they don’t. Like you can really like someone or think you like them and then they go and do something that changes your opinion of them. It may be alright if it's for the better but it hurts when it's for the worse. Or even if it's not the worse just the fact that they are not who you thought they were can really have a nasty effect. I have had a lot of those experiences. I can't help it too. I hate it when I don’t want my opinion to change of someone but I know it has because of certain circumstances.
For instance I had this friend once, we were pretty close. However I knew this friend and another friend of mine use to compete with each other over who was "closest" to me. They played the typical mind games girls play to show each other they had my attention. I don’t know if they knew, that I knew what was going on or cared for that matter. I hated it. I hated being in the middle and the way their mind games in some subtle way made me chose one over the other. Well you get over it as you do and it either becomes a part of your life or the parties give up in the conquest. In my case they gave up, luckily.
Anyways this close friend that I adored very much did something one night that made me think twice. Now she could have done anything and it would’t have changed my opinion. I don’t like to judge people that much . I always give them the benefit of the doubt even if they hurt me. Forgive and forget. That way you can be friends longer and enemies less. Anyhow what she did that night included this other friend. And although they weren’t competing anymore, her one action to steal my other friend's so-called boyfriend really hurt me. I don’t know why such a petty thing like that hurt me so much. I dont care much about boyfriends and silly things like that. I guess maybe because if they still were competing for my attention, the friend I adored would't have won. And that hurt because sub-conciously I had always chosen her over the other friend and well her action that night gave reason to choose the other.
It all seems pretty silly now and those of you reading proabably think there are worse problems but it changed my opinion of someone. It was something I didn’t think would have such a bad effect on me. And yet it did. I'm still really close friends with that person. I forgot about the incident a day after it happened. The day it went unforgotten I was thinking things through and decided it was not worth thinking about. What a waste of brainpower beforehand. However my opinion has changed and I don’t like that. I prefer my first opinion and yes I could pretend that nothing happened and go with my first opinion but I can't. Unfortunately for me I don’t work like that, doh.
So that pretty much sums up why I hate change. With change people leave and things die for something new and more improved and we, well I'm just left with memories. Change is pretty much a sad thing I think. Hmmm.... Now why I love change.... hehehe nah that’s a whole another entry. Creativly yours Katrina
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