24th of DecemberI don't feel like me today. Do you ever feel like that? I mean you are still the same you, unchanged but you just don't recongise yourself. You don't know yourself. There's the you that's decided to take a lovely vacation without the slighest hint where they went. Leaving the other you contemplating where the lost you went because they don't know themself without the other you.Hmm what I just said, is completely and absolutely absurd and I don't think I even made sense. Figures. Maybe I'm just tried. Tried of everything. You know, when you feel you just want to sleep and never wake up. The last few nights I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. It would have been so much nicer to not come back I think for awhile. Maybe I'm just thinking to much. Maybe I'm thinking to much because I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I said some horrible things, it was awhile ago. I guess it's kinda passed now but it still hurts. When I say horrible things, it's just awful because it usually rings some truth. And the truth hurts. I think that's probably the most awful way to hurt someone. Why did I even say anything. I only said one stupid, awful sentence. How could I be so mean. I'm never going to say another awful thing again.
I guess it's all those little things all built up. Maybe because it doesn't feel like christmas this year. Maybe because I was working this christmas season. Seeing everyone bustle around and not be able to be a part of it. I hate crowds and people pushing you around especially when your my height but I love the spirit of people pushing ,rushing to buy gifts and lollies and singing carols. Christmas came so fast. I think I could have missed it.
I had fun working. Talking to little kids because they thought I was an elf just coz I was wearing a santa hat at work and giving away candy canes. But I dunno it doesn't feel like christmas. Maybe because I got sick and fainted at work and could't go christmas shopping with my sisters.Maybe I'm not myself because Im upset or worried that my friends are uspet I havent called or don't spend time with them anymore. And that I can't explain I have stuff to do.
Or that my brother knows santa is not real anymore and I can't have fun pretending he is. It won't be the same. Oh my this was such a horrible journal entry.I'm so sorry I just don't feel like me today. And it's Christmas Eve even though it's only 2 in the morning and I have the whole day and night to find the lost me. It's ok I 'll feel better soon. Maybe I just need some sleep.
Butterfly kisses Katrina :)