29th of AugustI found myself lost today. My soul has flown from the pain of this world and left me alone, empty and bare. A sacred temple left standing with no practicing faith.
The beginning of spring is drawing near but I feel myself captured in a picture of Autumn. A orangey red leaf blowing in the breeze, trying to escape from the sercurity and loving arms of the branches into a new found independance. Only to slowly find that in reality I'm not soaring off in flight to capture life, love and my own self but slowly, gently falling into it's emotional hungry consumption of a deadly death.
It's almost end of year, my last year at school, I should either be sadden by the leaving of old school friends or wrapped in relief that Im finally free. Maybe even both, however I feel neither of these emotions. The closer I get to the end the more a grow aprat from my friends and question wheather a friendship ever existed. And whether that person I thought I knew I was , is really me at all.
Just the other day I heard my friend saying how much she was going to miss everyone and to promise never to lose contact. I felt terrible that I could not make such a promise. Not because I dont want to keep in contact but the fact that I know myself too well that I won't.
Im a drifter. I can already feel myself slipping away from them. Maybe it's my way of making the goodbyes less painful. Letting go and moving on. Breaking free. But Im not sure if I even want to break free. Im holding onto an invisible rope by its last thread. Do I cling for dear life to what I know is a sure thing. The friendships. The familiar faces. Or do I open my hand and allow myself to fall into the overwhealming unknown?
Have I already decided? I must have? Did I let go finding myself falling, falling reaching no destination? It seems I have died but have reached no other place. Instead im caught in Limbo. A ghost lost, stuck in the past, searching for ending.
It feels like Autumn, everything is changing without actually beginning and nor ending. And all that I know is a pharse from a cliched tv show "Everything changes eventually Dawson, everything chages eventually".
Yours Creatively Katrina
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