3rd of March 2001Everyone here's to blame
Everyone here gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain
Everyone hides shades of shame
But looking inside we're all the same, we're all the same
"Back to good"...And I dont think I've really been loved by a hand thats touched me
Well I feel like somethings gotta give
And Im a little bit angry
....Well dont just stand there and say nice things to me
Coz I've been cheated. I've been wronged, you
You dont know me.
"Push" Matchbox 20Sometimes I sit and watch and I think this world is such a beautiful place. The people, the places, the inspiration that seems to flow from everywhere. Sometimes I can't believe it, like it's all a little bit too unreal. But sometimes I sit and watch and I frown. How can this world be so cruel, so harsh, so full of bitterness. And although I know it's not really like that. That Im most probably caught up in my own sadness, that it distorts the lens in which I view this world. I can't help but feel it. I know it makes me stronger and somehow more wiser in the end. And somehow this depression, sadness, anger, this moment will pass. Sometimes I want to forget that, sometimes I guess I become "stuck in a moment". Maybe I need to be.
Right now Im confused and upset and angry. More with myself than with anyone else. Im angry that Im angry because I rarely feel like this. Im hurt and I've been hurt many times and it doesnt worry me. But sometimes hurt can push you a little too far. Sometimes I can't be the person I want to be. The person who doesn't worry, the person who forgets and gives it another chance, gives you the benefit of the doubt. Im hurt because maybe by being this person Im being naive. Im being guillble. Im angry that I allow myself to trust to easily and Im hurt because it makes me feel foolish and stupid for having faith in too much. Im upset that I give too much and get hurt because those who receive it think that its somehow ingenuine. That I have some ulteriour motive.
Sometimes I dont know why I even bother with people. People they just make me want to fly away like bird and never come back. Sometimes I wish I was like a butterfly. Or not even a butterfly something like caterpilliar or beetle so that people would not even notice me and let me be. I wouldn't get caught up in stupid bickering fights over things people chose not to forget and get over.
I wish I didnt fall too fast. I wish I didnt care so much. I wish I could seperate the parts of me in to neat little boxes and compartments so they wouldn't all get mixed up and confused. So that they wouldn't wander and become attached to someone else. Sometimes I wish I was the one crying, the weaker person just so I wouldn't have to hold myself up. Someone else would for me. I wish I wasn't so upset. I wish I right now all my dreams and my hope to believe would find me again and tell me I still have millions of stars to wish on. But it's raining and there's no stars. And I all the that I believed in and trusted I dont think I even know. I dont even know me.
I heard somewhere when you most need your hope and faith in anything, something, you find it gone because you've given it to someone else close who needs it more. Maybe someone needs my hope more than I do. Maybe Im not so angry after all. And maybe I dont feel so bad for venting everything because maybe you've felt the same. Maybe I know you have. Maybe if I just say goodbye then maybe my moment will pass
Butterfly kisses Kat