3rd of January 2000Have you ever felt like someone is watching you yet when you go to turn nobodys there but you still feel the presence of another being? Have you felt eyes intently obeserving your every step? That your life is like one big motion picture with no end. Your life on a huge screen and everything you thought no one knew was known to a thousand masses?
Some may say this is the life of a moviestar. Always in the spotlight even in their very private moments. Being flashed across newspapers and becoming the focus of front page news. Headliners seeping of untruths. Yet is it?
I really dont believe this is confined to just the "famous". Why? Because we have all felt the insecurity of being watched and not feeling safe. We have all known the feeling of either being put on pedestal afraid of falling and hitting the hard ground below or the feeling of being belittled as the "never will be",the "wannabe". The cheap imitation of those on that high pedestal. Always the second runner up.
Ok maybe we have a little more privacy than the famous.I guess there's different degrees of it.LOL Although I'm sure at least half the world would like to see themselves on the front page news. An ego trip we all like to take, it's all apart of our human nature. No-one wants to miss out on their 15 minutes do they? I certainly want mine, all 960 seconds of it.
But still that's different to being unable to hide from prying eyes. I'm not talking about being stalked. I talking about that feeling of everyone watching, waiting for you to just stuff up, to fall, to break, to lose. Waiting to axe your motion picture on one mistake.
I always feel like I'm being tested. That my parents, friends, teachers are just waiting for me to do something that's "just not like me". Don't get me wrong my parents are very supportive well my mum at least , my dad well he has his ways. And I have the greatest group of friends but still there's always the question that if I did something wrong by them, even if it was by mistake they will hold it against.
I wear many masks. With my close friends, well I guess I'm the cheeky yet innocent one of the group. They'd let me get away with murder. Most of them anyways. Im the sweet, nice, cute one ocassionally getting a little out of line yet it's acceceptable. Coz I'm little in size I automatically take on the role as the young naive silly one.
Yet I still feel that presence, those invisible eyes watching me. All of them just waiting for me to change my role, get a little out of character so they can hold it against me. So you're not the little sweet innocent after all. My charcter is cut from the scene changing me into a vixen and I end up dying trying to murder someone. Which may not be all that bad if it were just a movie. Witches are just as interesting as the beauties but it's not a just a movie, it's my life.
I can't erase the mistakes, do thousands takes and pick the best one. I dont get a rehersal this time. I get one chance. It's all live and the dice can all any which way. They same goes for all of us. Even those who think they have reached the top. That "pedestal", are just as insecure as those who dont make it. They're going to have to fall anyways. What goes up must come down.
All of us on the brink waiting to fall, or waiting to never get there, with everyone watching. You'd think if we all felt this way that we wouldn't be waiting for others to fall. But that's just it. It's human nature like the ego trip. As others watch us, we watch them hoping that if they fall it will make us feel that little bit better .
Ok so now that I have completely gone of track, babbling about something that has no connection to what I was previously going on about. Doh and the beginning was good too. I guess I'll be signing off, maybe next time I'll go somewhere more insightful instead of taking two different ideas and wacking them together confusing all you poor readers.
Yours creativly confusing
Katrina
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