"I wanted to buy a candleholder, but the store didn't have one...so i got a cake"
"I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who'd get really mad if she heard me say that."
"I tried to play golf...I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell, 'Fore!', but I was too busy mumbling, "There's no way that's gonna hit him...'"
"Alcoholim is a disease, but it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having. 'God dammit, Otto, you're an alcoholic!'...'God dammit, Otto, you have lupus!'...one of those two just doesn't sound right."
"If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly."
"If you asked my sister Wendy if I was weird, she'd say yea...but that's fucked up, cuz she's weird. Cuz she has a husband and two children and they have a family photo on top of their vcr where they're all looking slightly to the left as though there's something going on over there. The camera is right in front of you! But I guess something happened to the left, and it made everybody happy...except my sister's cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off...one eye is right the fuck on."
"I opened up a yogurt and underneath the lid it said, "Please try again", because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened up the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, "Come on Mitchell...don't give up! PLEASE try again!"...A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait: 'Fruit on the bottom, Hope on top.'"
"Whenever you go into a restaurant you can listen to them call out the reservations...'Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two.' And if no one answers then they move on to the next name. 'Bush, party of three. Bush, party of three'. But what happened to the Dufranes? How can you eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish! The Dufranes are locked in someone's trunk right now...and they're hungry. Bush! Search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufranes."
"I got in a fight with a girl inside of a tent one time. That's a bad place to have an argument, cuz I tried to walk out on her and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up really quickly? *loud zipping noise* Fuck you!"
"I like an escalator cuz an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'escalator temporarily out of order' sign...just an 'escalator temporarily stairs', sorry for the inconvenience. We apologize for the fact that...you can still get up there."
"I saw a band in L.A. once, they were having an awful night. Some people started throwing tomatoes at the band, I thought 'Who would throw tomatoes at a band? That's bad', then I thought 'Who would bring tomatoes to a show?' That's even worse. Don't throw tomatoes at a band, cuz what if they really like tomatoes? They'll think you're enjoying them...'You guys are kickin ass, here, here's a tomatoe!'"
"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs. Foosball messed up my perception of soccer, I thought you were supposed to kick the ball then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several, simultaneously with two other guys!"
"I never joined the army, cuz 'at ease' was never that easy to me."
"The thing that depresses me about playing tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never get as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're fuckin' relentless!"
