There would be no evidence of the deed. She would see to that. None
of her clothes were left in his drawers, none of her things lingered in the
bathroom, including the scent of her perfume. The sheets were washed, she’d
removed her towels from the rack, and to put a smile on her face and try to
hang on to her nerve she’d even put the seat up in the bathroom. There was no
sign of the granola bars she lived off of in the pantry, or the juice she
always bought in the fridge. She’d even vacuumed away her footprints from the
carpet. It was like she’d never lived there, and that was the way it needed to
be. The last thing either of them needed was a complicated goodbye. He would
never understand her decision, and trying to make him would be fruitless. This
way, there would be no questions, and all the answers he needed. Now all she
had to do was actually walk out the door. That’s where she’d paused.
With a trembling heart, she glanced between the suitcase and the
door. It would be so easy to stay. But she’d never been one for the easy road.
Neither had Howie, really, or he wouldn’t be where he was. Maybe that’s why
they had worked so well together. Life was something to be lived, experienced.
Neither of them had ever been content to sit the sidelines. They were both
stubborn and had their own ideas about the way things were, but that’s what
they had loved about each other. They went wherever their hearts lead them, and
for the most part, that had always led them to the same place.
But in the past few months she’d been bogged down by that crazy thing
called commitment. She wanted it. Howie… didn’t. She’d understood, then. He was
still touring, the Backstreet Boys were still topping charts, and he didn’t
want to be tied down. That was fine by her; she was happy just being with him.
She’d been content to sit back and wait until that changed. Then it did, but
Howie didn’t change with it.
Still, that was okay. It shouldn’t have surprised her. The death of
A.J.’s wife was still horrifically fresh in all of their minds. Of course the
thought of taking a wife of his own was bound to be frightening. One of his
best friend had just been shattered by the loss of his. Nonetheless, seeing
Brian and Nick’s little girls being fussed over by their daddies, and watching
Kevin’s boys tearing around as they grew up right in front of her eyes made her
long for the next phase in her life. She wanted that. And she wanted it
with Howie.
She hadn’t pressed things for a while, but even her patience couldn’t
last forever. Where the time went she really didn’t know. Things had slowly
gotten strained between them, and she just couldn’t seem to put her finger on
it, or find a way to change it. They’d still made love like they used to, and
he’d still told her how much he needed her. But somewhere along the way they’d
lost something, and the illusion that they would last forever had slowly begun
to fade from her mind.
It took her a long time to understand it. She was so used to wanting
him that the real answer never occurred to her. Let go. So simple. Too simple.
She’d looked for another way. Devoting more time to him here. Weekend getaway
there. She’d tried talking to him, but he’d danced around the subject as easily
as he’d danced his way through one of his routines. Maybe it was pride, maybe
it was fear. Maybe he was just that stupid that he didn’t see what he had in
front of him. Whatever it was, she hadn’t been able to get past it, and frankly
she was done trying.
“I love being free, you know?”
“You are free, Howie. No one’s trying to change that.”
“I know. But haven’t you ever just wanted to sprout wings and fly?
Someday I’m just gonna fly.”
At the time, she’d thought it so romantic. She’d been fooled by the
spring breeze and the love in his eyes. Unfortunately, she’d come to discover
that it hadn’t been her that had put that look there. Once she’d gotten over
that, the solution hit her, in all it’s simplicity.
Let go.
Just let go.
Let him fly.
Someday, some heart would catch him. When he was ready to be caught.
But right now he wasn’t, and she wasn’t meant to be the one who held him.
Strangely enough, she was okay with that. Or would be, given a little time.
The car was sitting in the driveway with a full gas of tank. With the
exception of the suitcase that sat patiently in the hall, everything else was
in the trunk, or piled in the backseat. Howie was due to get back in a few
hours. She wanted to be long gone before he walked in the door.
She’d chosen the car, because flying seemed too ironic. Driving would
be better anyway. For some reason, she’d always found absolution on the road,
be it on tour with the Boys, or behind the wheel with the radio blaring in her
ear. What her destination was going to be she didn’t know, and quite frankly
didn’t care. She’d wind up somewhere, and that was all that mattered. Fresh
start. Find wings of her own.
Drawing in a deep breath, she squared her shoulders and picked up the
bag. Careful not to take a last look, she walked assuredly through the door,
stopping only to lock it behind her, and place the key under the mat.
The engine kicked to life with a roar, and her eyes drifted to the
marbled sky, where the scattered clouds drifted lazily by.
Yup.
And with that thought, she backed out of the driveway, and was gone.
Howie came home with a smile on his face, one that faded quickly the
moment he opened the door. It took him just one heartbeat to figure out
something wasn’t right. He called her name once or twice, but his voice died a
little on the second shout, because he knew there was no reason to bother.
With a sinking feeling he wandered from one room to the other,
searching for any sign that she might have left behind, knowing he wouldn’t
find one. She was too good for that. It should have surprised him, but somehow
it didn’t. Strangely enough, he was okay with that.
Subdued, he set his bag down softly on the bed, where his eyes spied
a note folded on what had been her pillow. Not even a flicker ran past his eyes
as he unfolded it, but the message on it made him smile, and he understood.
Fly.