Chapter 11 – Tomorrow, Forever, Together

Several hours later, they were ready for an attempt to see Nick. A.J. looked a little spacey from his medication, but he sobered quickly when they reached Nick’s doorway. Brian moaned softly at the sight before him. If Kevin had been bad, nothing prepared them for Nick.

If Brian hadn’t been told that this was his best friend, he wouldn’t have guessed. He looked incredibly frail, nothing like the 6’1” young man that he used to play basketball with and pull pranks with on the others. A long gash ran along the side of his face, disappearing under the white bandage that encircled his head. There was no color to his skin. A large bruise covered his right cheek, a startling contrast to his pale face. His chest rose and fell with the rhythm of the respirator, and there were more machines connected to him than Brian thought humanly possible. Nick seemed more machine than human, as if the machines were controlling every function of his body. Brian looked over at Nick’s knee, which was locked in a brace. He remembered the shattered kneecap. Insanely, Brian wondered if he would be able to play basketball with him again with that knee. The room was eerily silent, and Brian resisted the urge to scream.

A.J. couldn’t believe what he was seeing. This was not Nick. This couldn’t be Nick. The Nick he knew was always laughing and joking, and so full of life. This looked like an empty shell. The respirator was what killed him. It looked like it should be choking him, but in reality it was what was keeping him alive.

He looked quickly up at Howie, who stared at their fifth group member, disbelieving. Brian placed his hand gently on Nick’s arm.

“Nicky,” he said softly, remarkably calm. “It’s time to wake up. You need to come back to us. Do you hear me? Enough of the bullshit.” The only response was the ticking of the machines surrounding them.

“We’re all a little freaked here, man,” A.J. added. “I know you like pranks but this one’s a little over the top, don’t you think?”

Howie managed a tiny smile. “Yeah, and I have to deal with A.J. as my roommate. The sooner you and Kevin get up the sooner I can get out of here.”

“Don’t listen to him, Nick, I’m a great roommate,” A.J. told him. “He’s just mad because I keep winning at cards.”

Brian tried to smile at their light banter, knowing it was the kind of thing Nick needed to hear from them, but he couldn’t join in. Instead, his face contorted, and he choked back a sob. The sound of the respirator seemed to be mocking him, and it was driving him mad. He kept telling himself to be strong, but it was so hard.

Howie saw that Brian was slowly losing control of himself, and thought quickly. He decided that if it could help A.J., it could help Brian, and maybe even Nick. Anything for them to concentrate on, besides how close to death Nick seemed to be.

“Don’t wanna lose you now, oh no, I know we can win this.

Don’t wanna lose you now, no no, or ever again,” he sang softly.

His voice was far from its best, but right then it didn’t matter. A.J. glanced at him in surprise, but quickly joined in.

“Don’t wanna lose you now,” Howie began again.

“Don’t wanna lose you now,” A.J. chimed in softly.

“I know we can win this,” Brian continued, surprising them both.

“Don’t wanna lose you now, or ever again.”

Brian took over, and although his pain and suffering showed clearly in every note he sang, it was still like a voice out of heaven.

“I’ve got this feeling you’re not gonna stay, it’s burning within me

The fear of losing, of slipping away, it just keeps getting closer.

Whatever reason to leave that you have, Your place is right here beside us.

And I wish that I didn’t need you so bad, your face just won’t go away.”

A.J. couldn’t help but think that if any of this helped Nick, it was that voice. Follow it home, A.J. thought.

“Don’t wanna lose to loneliness,

I know that we can win,” they all three sang together

“Don’t wanna lose to emptiness,”

“Oh no, Never again.”

“Don’t wanna lose to loneliness,”

“No way,” Brian murmured.

“I know that we can win this.

Don’t wanna lose you now,

No no, or ever again.”

A.J. finished for them.

“Don’t wanna lose you now,” he ended quietly, not caring that his throat and his ribs were killing him.

Had any of them noticed or cared, they would have found that everyone in the ICU had stopped and was staring at them. They were pleading for their friend’s life with the gifts that God had given them, and though they were far from top form, the melody had been hauntingly beautiful. The sound was soft, lacking the power that they projected in their concerts. But the strength their hearts created behind their words took away the breath of anyone who could hear it.

Silence existed everywhere for a few moments, and a tear ran down the face of one of the nurses. Dr. Westin had been speaking with another doctor, but his full attention was now on the three Backstreet Boys. At that moment, he would have given anything to pull the other two young men through. The silence lasted for a few more moments until it was broken by the sounds of Brian’s heavy sobs.

Brian folded his arms and rested them on Nick’s bed and buried his head in them, shaking uncontrollably. Howie went over to him, doing his best to crouch down beside him. Brian felt his presence and put his head into Howie’s shoulder, weeping shamelessly. A.J. had to turn away as his own tears fell; watching Brian fall to pieces was too much to bear. He looked so pale and weak, especially with the oxygen mask he still wore. One tap was all that was needed to make him shatter into a million pieces.

Howie looked up as a nurse approached them. He shook his head at her and raised a hand that told her to leave them alone.

Brian’s sobs finally began to slow, and he tried to get a grip on himself.

“You know,” he said after a while, searching for anything to make things seem somewhat normal again. “Maybe if we’d done ‘If You Want It To Be Good Girl’ he’d come around.”

A slow smile spread across A.J.’s face. “That sure as hell would have gotten his attention,” he said gruffly, trying to hide the fact that he had been crying.

When he was ready, all three were taken back to their rooms. This time A.J. offered to go in with Brian. Howie was grateful to him. There was no way he would have abandoned his friend, but he was exhausted and needed to lie down. He had not slept since early that morning. It was probably the best arrangement anyhow, A.J. looked as though he too needed the company. It made him feel better to give Brian his support; it was his way of dealing with it. He would rather focus on the others than to face his own grief.

“Bone?” Brian asked in a tiny voice.

“Yeah man?”

“What’s going to happen if they die?”

“They aren’t going to,” A.J. said, harsher than he meant to.

“I keep trying to believe that,” he said over a wave of emotion that was trying to get the better of him. “But did you see him? That’s not Nick. That is not the Nick I know. God, A.J. the four of you have been so much apart of my life, how am I supposed to live the rest of it without them?”

“I don’t know,” A.J. said with a tremble. “I don’t know Rok. The only thing I know is that you and me, and Howie, will do it together. No matter where you look, we’ll be there. I couldn’t do it any other way.”

“Me neither,” Brian said softly. “You know, if I had just one more day with them, I might be able to handle this. One more day.” He wrung his hands, a look of pure anguish contorting his face. “For Christ sakes Alex, he probably hates me right now! The last time I spoke with him I screamed at him and told him that I never wanted to see him again. If he dies, the last moment I will have had with him I told him he was worthless. I can’t live with that. Jesus, I can’t live with that.”

A.J.’s eyes stung as he watched his friend suffer. When he found his voice, he managed to choke out whatever solace he could find. “Brian, you know he knows better than that. Friends fight. Best friends fight. What you said may have hurt, but deep down he knows. You don’t have to tell him. That’s the beauty of the friendship y’all have. He just knows. No matter what, you’ve got his forgiveness. Even I know that. The question is, whether or not you can forgive yourself. You have to Brian. Howie and I need you, and we need you right now.”

Brian reached out and seized his hand, squeezing it as tightly as he could. “I’m not going anywhere,” he said.

“Thank God,” A.J. said with a weak smile. “No matter what happens, we stand together. If we do that, we can make it. I hope to God they are with us. But if they aren’t, we’ll get up and go on, and we’ll do it together.”

Brian nodded. “Together.”

As he watched Brian fall asleep, A.J. realized just how much worse he looked from that morning. Brian was a strong person, one they could all count on, but right now he was so badly broken that A.J. feared they wouldn’t get him back, despite the words he had just said. What if they weren’t strong enough? Angrily, he fought back the doubt and sought out some hope. Maybe after this last breakdown, Brian would be all right. He had to be. He couldn’t keep going on like this. None of them could. A.J. prayed silently for the countless time for Nick and Kevin to pull through, and for this terrible nightmare to end.

Chapter 12

Index