Chapter 26 – Have A Little Faith In Me

“It’s gonna be ok, Nicky. It’s all gonna be ok…”

Kevin looked up at A.J. “We have to find him.”

A.J. nodded tightly, and headed over to see if Howie had gotten anywhere in figuring out where he had gone.

“He couldn’t have gotten far,” Howie said. “Damn it, we can’t even go out after him. What happens if we’re recognized? We get mobbed and Brian gets further away.”

A.J. paced impatiently. “Which direction did he head off in?”

“He headed right when he got out the door.”

“Did he look like he knew where he wanted to go?”

“Are you kidding? Did you see the look on his face?”

A.J. cursed. The employees of the center couldn’t exactly drop everything and go out looking for one patient. Two people had left to go look for him, but that was it.

“We can’t call the police,” Howie reasoned. “At least not this soon. The publicity would be unbelievable. The press would have a field day, not to mention half the girls in the city would be after him, and he is not in a position to be able to get away.”

“No shit,” A.J. said, drumming his fingers on a counter top. “So what the hell do we do?”

“I hate to say it, but I don’t think that there’s much we can do.”

“We can’t just do nothing. He could get hurt, Howie. He doesn’t know where he’s going or what he’s doing!”

“I know that.” Howie said, exasperated. “Do you have any bright ideas?”

“No,” A.J. said angrily. “Damn it, I promised him we’d all be there for each other. I swore none of us would have to do this alone. And now he’s out there, alone.”

“I know you did,” Howie said quietly. “Let’s just concentrate on getting him back safe, okay?”

Before he could answer, Kevin joined them. “Anything?” he asked. They shook their heads. Kevin clenched his fists and looked to be trying not to cry. The strain of all that had happened to them could be clearly read on his strong features, which were slowly starting to crumble. Brian was missing, and Nick had fallen apart.

“How is Nick?” Howie asked, somewhat ashamed. A.J. had told him all that had happened after he had stormed off.

“They gave him a sedative to knock him out,” Kevin replied, rubbing the bridge of his nose wearily.

“I just can’t believe this,” A.J. muttered. “And things were going so well.”

* * *

At first, Brian had no idea where he was going. All he knew was that he had to get out. He had to put as much distance as possible between himself and Nick. The image of those blazing blue eyes loomed in front of him like a nightmare he couldn’t wake up from, and he had to escape it. Don’t think, just go. His thoughts had become such an overwhelming mess that he had just shoved all of them aside, feeling like they were about to smother him. Nothing made sense to him anymore, and he had taken as much as he was able to take.

When he had looked behind him and seen Howie coming after him, unexplainable panic had taken over, encouraging his feet to move more quickly, until he broke into an all out run. He hadn’t been able to sustain it long, and he paid for it dearly when a painful ache invaded his legs, preventing him from catching his breath and forcing him to take refuge on a nearby bench until the worst of it had passed. Fortunately, it had been enough. Howie was nowhere to be seen.

Sufficiently recovered, he took to his feet again, walking as quickly as his weary body would allow, not caring where he went or who saw him. Before long he wound up at the entrance to another medical office. They were everywhere; the medical center was huge. He pushed through the glass doors, unable to quell the heart that was trying to beat out of his chest. Don’t think, don’t think, don’t think. Just get away from here. Think later, just get away…

He found a payphone, and shakily pulled out the phone book underneath, not trusting himself to be able to call information. Forcing himself to calm down, he looked up the number for a cab company. After poking around to determine his location, he drew in a deep breath to steady himself and placed the call. He didn’t even hang up the phone as he made his way back outside to wait for the cab.

Where would he go? Well, right now anywhere was preferable to here. He really didn’t care. But he had to have something to tell the driver. He just wanted to be alone. He didn’t know anything about San Antonio other than the Riverwalk Howie had been talking about. The man had been so bored he’d had someone get him a few books about the city, and he’d gone on and on about how unique it was: a separate world in the middle of downtown. It was a tourist’s dream, and therefore not the place for him. But hadn’t he mentioned something about an undeveloped section? Some part that usually only a few locals went for peace and quiet? Perfect.

Now he had a destination. All at once he froze, for the first time realizing he was about to venture out into the real world utterly unprotected. What was he doing? He set his jaw. It didn’t matter. He had to do this. He had to get away. There was no way he could go back, not with Nick there…. He shuddered. Don’t think, just get away. It was a Wednesday after all, not even lunchtime, and it was unlikely there would be many people there to spot him. His hat and a pair of sunglasses had been on the counter by the door, and he had grabbed them automatically when he made his exit from the clinic. Nervously, he reached up and pulled the cap down lower over his face. He felt for his wallet to be sure he had enough cash to pay the driver. Satisfied, he waited until the cab showed up. The trembling he felt was starting to spread, and his need to get away intensified. He was in danger of losing control completely, and he couldn’t do that. Not yet. Not here. Don’t think, just get away.

When the cab arrived, he climbed inside, exhaling with relief. “I need to go to the Riverwalk,” he told the driver.

“Any particular spot?” the driver asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Somewhere quiet. The quiet part.”

“King William district? Nothing on the river there. Just houses.”

“Yeah. That’s it. I want to go there.”

He nodded and pulled away from the curb. After they had been driving for a while, the cabbie glanced at him in the rearview mirror. “You look like you’ve seen better days,” he said.

“I have,” Brian replied dully, gazing out the window. Even now, he refused to allow himself to think. He was afraid where his thoughts might take him. When the driver let him off, he tossed a $100 at him. “Keep the change,” he muttered as he slammed the door. He meandered down some steps that took him to the river. His foot had barely struck the bottom step when the trembling became too much for him to bear. Awkwardly, he sat down hard on the river’s edge, staring into the lazy current of the water as it flowed serenely by him. His breathing was ragged, and he focused on the air coming in and out of his lungs until it became more regular. He didn’t cry, and that surprised him. The tears weren’t there. He just felt empty.

Here it was very quiet, hardly a building in site. Just as the driver had said, there was nothing but old large restored houses above the river. He reached up and removed his cap, gazing out across the water. A cool breeze ruffled his hair, causing him to draw his light jacket closer to him. Somewhere above him a bird hooted, alighting from its perch and sailing overhead before coming to rest in a tree that better suited him.

Peace.

For just a moment, the calamity that had picked all of them up and dumped them heartlessly into a world they could not control was quiet, and he felt safe. Protected. It killed him to know it couldn’t last.

Sure enough, only moments later the realization of all that had just happened hit him and hit him hard. The tears that only seconds ago had been nonexistent were finally released from their dam, and they trickled slowly down his cheeks as he discovered for the first time that he was really and truly alone. There was no A.J. standing beside him as he had promised, and there was no one to blame for that but himself.

Before the tears could get the better of him he stood up and began to walk, not caring where he was going or how far he went. All that mattered was that the tears didn’t catch up. Maybe if he went far enough, he could outdistance everything; the pain, the loneliness, the uncertainty, the fear, Nick…

He took in a harsh breath as the words Nick had said pelted him in the face over and over again. What could have possibly gone so wrong? He had seen it coming; although never in a million years had he expected the explosion he had received. The dim memory of that night on the bus surfaced briefly, and he fought back more tears. (Don’t start. If you start, you won’t stop.) It was little more than a hazy image, one that he could not define or truly recall, but he knew it was real just the same. The guilt and shame he felt over it was enough to convince him of that. Could A.J. have been wrong? He had said that Nick would forgive him, but Nick hadn’t forgiven him at all. How in the world could he have been responsible for putting his friend through so much pain? In despair, he tried to remember the last time things had been normal.

I can’t, he thought bitterly. I can’t even remember the show the night of the wreck.

Would things ever be normal again? For a while he’d thought they might be, but now that looked impossible. Maybe trying to keep the band together was too much to ask. Maybe it was time to just let go, and salvage what little he had left before he lost that too.

Don’t give up on us. Whatever you do, don’t give up on us. We need each other, and you can’t give up on us.

Howie’s voice echoed in his brain and he halted in his tracks, putting his hands to his face as he choked back a sob.

We aren’t going to abandon you, or him, no matter what you do or say.

You can’t give up on us.

“He’s right,” he moaned softly. “I can’t. But how can I be there for them when I don’t even know who I am?” It was true, he didn’t know who he was. His very identity had been slipping away since the moment he had gone through that window, and Nick had stripped the last remnants of it away with just a few words.

A dull ache that had been brought on by his walking cried out for his attention, and he looked around for a place to sit. All he could see was the riverbank, so he found a clear spot and rested. An occasional person passed by him, and a few cast him curious looks, but he ignored them. His mind was still trying to look for answers, but all he found were the same questions, and the despair that was overpowering him merely got stronger.

After awhile, the pain retreated into the background and he got to his feet again. It was time to keep moving, though he had yet to determine if he was actually going anywhere. The aimlessness with which he wandered suited him well. It mirrored exactly what he felt. He had no place to go, no direction to move in, so he simply kept walking further nowhere, or he just remained where he was, waiting for… waiting for what? How was he going to find his way again?

Soon enough he was forced to sit down again. Damn his injuries. Damn his pain. Damn everything. It was the only thing at all that he was sure of anymore, and he was tired of it. He wanted peace, he wanted answers, and he wanted his life back, and as far as he could see, none of those things were within his reach.

The sound of nature’s silence was broken by the soft echo of music drifting its way down the gently sloping land from one of the houses above. He craned his head around to try and determine where it was coming from, but finally shrugged and returned his gaze to the water. It wasn’t important. What was important was discovering what it was he was doing here. He knew somewhere deep inside him that he hadn’t yet found or accomplished what his heart was telling him he was supposed to, and it was critical that he did. He knew he would never again be able to face his best friend if he didn’t find his feet, and this just might be his last chance.

I’m sorry, he thought brokenly. Nick, I’m sorry.

An unfamiliar melody floated on the wind from that house above the river, and though he tried to tune it out, it wouldn’t let him. A voice that he recognized began to sing softly, gently, and when the words struck home his face went pale.

The clouds above you start to pour, and all of your doubts rage like a storm. And you don’t know who you are anymore, let me help you find what you’ve been searching for.

Somewhere there’s a field and a river, you can let your soul run free. Someday let me be the giver, let me bring you peace. Somewhere there’s a break in the weather, where your heart and spirit go free. Someday it’ll be for the better, let this bring you peace.

Stunned, he remained motionless as the song continued, every single word striking him with such clarity that he almost lost his balance. He wasn’t alone. No matter how dark things were, he wasn’t alone. All he had to do was open his heart, and He was there. This entire time he had pushed Him away. Brian closed his eyes and remembered the prayers he and Howie had said as they huddled in his hospital room. He remembered the letters from the fans. So many of them had offered their prayers up for all of them. It had saved their lives. Of that he had no doubt. And there was still time to save the rest.

He was ready to stop denying his heart the truth. Something terrible had happened to all of them, and the results had changed their lives. Things may never be the same, but now, for the first time, he felt that he could accept that. He had four brothers (Nick may have let go of him, but there was no way he was going to let go of Nick), a family that loved him, a legion of fans who had proven how much they cared, and God himself behind him. The road wouldn’t be easy, but he had enough love behind him to take him down it.

No matter what happens, we stand together. If we do that, we can make it.

Yes. They could. And they would.

He called another cab, feeling freer than he had in a long time.

Chapter 27

Index