“I’m So Quotable!”
Okay,
so my friends and I are weird. We say lots of things that we find amusing (or
downright fucking hilarious), so we started writing them down. To you, some of these
might not seem funny, but when we read them we laugh so hard we cry. That’s all
this is. Random things me and my “posse” have said that make us laugh. A lot.
Repeatedly. Enjoy!
***Notice this is an R-RATED
Quote Board!***
We
are college students and we are raunchy! If you aren’t over 18 I suggest going
elsewhere. If you don’t, I am NOT responsible for corrupting the youth of the
future! I’ll leave that to the guy two streets down from you who smells funny
on Tuesdays and wears chicken feet slippers to weed the begonias.
* * * * * *
“I’m
so quotable!” – Erin
“He’s
nude!” – Erin (In reference to David Duchovny’s Tea Cup Picture)
“Let’s
burrow to Canada!” – VA
*
“Where
should we put A.J.?” – Whits
“On top of me.” – Sarah (upon deciding the
location of The AJ Poster.)
*
“You
know what I just realized? I’m chewing on a paper clip.” – Whits
“I
have NOTHING in my pants!” – VA
“I
love my roommate. Speaking of which, I’m going to get some food.” – Erin
“Are
you naked under there?” – Tiffany (in reference to Sarah)
*
“He’s
Jewish though.” – Sarah to Whits
“That’s okay, more holidays.” – Whits (Lenny
Krayzelberg. *drool*)
*
“Score!”
– Whits, in reference to just about ANYTHING.
“Can
I be the monkey on his back?” – Whits (again, Lenny Krayzelberg)
*
“Whitney’s
been having fantasies about being handcuffed to the bed!” – Sarah
“I HAVE NOT!” – Whits
*
“I
think Whitney’s having a little too much fun with her sex chair.” – Erin
“I
can’t fit underneath my desk!” – Whits
“I
like nuts.” – VA
“That’s
not a happy place to be pierced.” – Erin (you don’t want to know)
“I
AM Bonnie Blair” – Erin
*
“Erin
is synonymous with porn.” – Lisa
“I am the porn queen.” – Erin
*
“But
that means Virginia has to die. Let’s not be Little Women!” – Sarah (when
trying to match Whits, Erin, herself, and VA to
Little
Women.)
“Maybe
we should burn Moody down.” – Erin (upon realizing that if Moody, our
dining hall, burned down, we’d get all the money we pay for
food
back. =)
“You.
Need. To. Die.” – Sarah (to Erin when she suggested Sarah claim
ownership to all Whits’ BSB posters.)
“Oh
they’re pajama pants. If you don’t pee in them, they ain’t dirty.” – Whits
*
“Seven.”
– VA
“Seven
monkeys.” – Erin
“Seven
hot monkeys.” – Sarah
“Seven
hot monkeys having sex.” – Whits
*
“Get
back into your poster and stay there until you decide to be nice.” – Whits
(explaining the wonderful possibilities of having
famous
men as boy toys and how to discipline them when they are evil.)
“You!
Out of the gene pool. Out.” – Erin
“I
am pregnant with Subway.” – Erin
“I
am no longer a warning virgin!” – Sarah (referring to Instant Messenger.)
“You
have gone to the dark side. Step on that side of the tape.” – Erin, telling
Sarah to get on Whit’s side of the room when
she
admitted she liked Shape Of My Heart. (Whits and Sarah’s room was divided in
half with masking tape for Parents
Weekend.
Turned out Parents Weekend lasted all year.)
“Every
time I read Carly I see Curly and Curly means Justin and that just doesn’t work
because Justin can’t be kissing Justin!”
–
Bianca (in reference to FictionLyn’s stories.)
“We
are sad, sad people.” – Erin
“Seven.”
– Sue (The answer to all of Whit’s problems in life)
(echoing) “Hot monkey SEX…. Sex…sex…” – Erin, Whits
and Sarah
“We’re
stranded in the land of POP!” – Whits (after encountering vehicle failure
outside of Lansing. It’s “soda,” people. Learn.)
“She
did it AGAIN!” – Whits (about Erin, who ONCE AGAIN walked into the enter side
of the doors when exiting, and was surprised when the automatic door wasn’t
opening.)
“I
know! I saw it! And I’m jumping up and down! See? I’m EXCITED!” – Whits
*
“Whitney
just damned us all to hell.” – Erin
“I don’t care as long as she doesn’t give me
a penis.” – Sarah. (If you didn’t see the Halloween episode of Two Guys and a
Girl,
then never mind.)
*
“It's
not a knife, it's a letter opener and it fell on my foot so of COURSE I found
it quickly.” - Sarah
“It
was only halfway red.” – Erin, defending herself for running a red light.
“You
don’t slap Jello that hard!” – VA (In reference to her ass.)
*
“I
need a description of Kevin.” – Whits
“Fucking hot.” – Sarah
*
“You
are on crack and it ain’t A.J.’s.” – Whits (all the time)
“A
capella is very pretty. Usually. I’m not very pretty a capella.” – Sarah
“I
have no words.” – Sarah (Trust me it’s funny)
“Oh
oh! I learned something tonight.” – Whits
(Cackling
evilly) “I changed Erin’s board again.” - Sarah (Trust me, it was funny.)
“Oh
look! There’s my ass.” – Erin
*
“Where
should I put J.C.?” – Whits
“In my lap.” – Sarah (We seem to have this
conversation a lot.)
*
“Everyone
needs a foster bed. You can’t always be with your bed.” – Erin
“I
have the shit bed!” –Whits
“Score!
Pelvic thrust.” – Sarah and VA’s adaptation of Whit’s ‘Score!’
“I
am SO wearing pink. I am SO not going to lose this race because I’m wearing
pink!” – Sue (imitation of Tiznow winning
the
Breeder’s Cup Classic.)
“He’s
even hot laying in bed dying.” – Erin in reference to Fox Mulder
“I’m
running and I have the gun. I don’t get it!” – Sarah
“You
look like a pogo stick.” – Whits
“Not
only is that plane crashing, but it has lots of oxygen. Boom.” – Erin
“Meh?”
– Whits
“Fica,
fica, fica!” – Whits
“I
don’t have very much experience, but I don’t think it’s supposed to click.” –
Erin (Use your imagination, and yes we were
being
dirty)
*
“I
don’t wanna have balls!” – Sarah
“I’ll be your balls.” – VA
*
“It’s
not like… YES! But, it’s not like…FUCK!” – VA (Picture it with arm motions)
“Erin
just said sucking face.” – Whits
“AHH!
Melts in your hand and not in your mouth!” – Sarah
“Virginia’s
in your boobs.” – Erin
“I’m
going to go sit in my room and be deceived.” – Brooke
“I
wish I’d taken that electric blanket my mom told me to take.” – Jeremy (During
a power outage. Yeah, oh NOW it’s funny.)
“I would
have sex with Dave Thomas if Dave Thomas would have sex with me.” – Jeremy (who
was REALLY enjoying his
Wendy’s
sandwich)
“WFIR.
We Fuck It Right.” – Lisa (It had to do with a radio station tour we took
during journalism. We hate journalism.)
“I’m
Whitney’s favorite brand of nut and Sarah’s favorite Canadian. I’m on a roll!”
– Erin (Who is neither a nut nor Canadian.)
*
“Is
that clock slow?” – VA
“No.” – Whits
“Nothing in this room is slow, except me and
Whitney.” – Sarah
*
*
“I
am NOT screwing your pen cap!” – Whits
“If you were at least we would know where it
was!” – Sarah
*
“Yikes,
the Quote Board needs to be rated NC-17.” – Whits
“That
was almost tragical.” – Whits
“There’s
lotion in your trash can. I swear I have nothing to do with it.” – Erin
“We’re
advertising for a porn company that sells dog food.” – VA
“That’s
getting kinky. All sorts of kinky.” – Sarah
*
“We’re
two peas in a pod!” – Whits
“Except you’re not in the pod.” – Sarah
*
“I’m
lactating!” – VA
“Things
would be broken.” – Whits (Pondering what would happen if she pounced from her
bed onto the pile of Christmas
lights
Sarah was trying to hang up)
*
“Toes.”
– Erin
“HOT MONKEY SEX!” – Whits
“I don’t think toes and hot monkey sex should
be put anywhere near each other.” – Sarah
“Especially not my toes.” – Erin
*
“Are
you lactating on my bed?” – Sarah
“Dude.
Goings on.” – Erin (Reflecting upon the events that occurred in Whits and
Sarah’s room one fine evening during exams.)
*
“Don’t
let your mind explode, we wouldn’t want that,” – Sarah to Erin
“Nope. ‘Cause then Whits would have to write
a death story, and I don’t think she wants to do that.” – Erin
“No. She doesn’t.” – Whits (Who REALLY hates
journalism and anything to do with it, including Death Stories about Erin.)
*
“Wait!
Stop right there. I am going to PAINT you.” – Sarah
*
“Ok.
Tholos. It’s a Tholos. It’s round. It has columns.” – Whits
“And it’s from the Neo-Sarah period.” – Sarah
(Art history. We study WELL together.)
*
“I
need to practice meditating so I can look like She-Ra.” – Whits
*
“Call
your mother. Because that will distract me too.” – Sarah
“No
more distractions! We need to STUDY!” – Whits
“Would
you like me to go back to bed then?” – Sarah (Told you we study well together.)
*
*
“Whitney,
you are my Goddess of the Day.” – Erin
“Yay!” – Whits
“What about me?” – Sarah
“You’re my goddess in reserve.” – Erin
*
“Dude…
Seriously. The things I would do to THAT boy.” – Whits (who was staring at the
new Brian poster.)
“Oh
God, my body doesn’t move that way.” – VA
“(_insert
Backstreet Boy of choice_), me, and 32.” – Sarah (Listen to SheDaisy, “Lucky
For You Tonight I’m Just Me.”)
“Laundry?
That’s research.” – Whits (Trying to fill in the 25 hours of research required
for our short term project. That
weekend,
everything was research.)
“I
LOVE being an evil bitch.” – Erin (Who is the exact opposite of an evil bitch.)
“My
Belly button is a work of art.” – VA
“I
have a fettish for being killed.” – Erin (I have NO idea what was up with that
one.)
“This
is us trying to remember quotes.” – Sarah (As we mourned the fact we haven’t
been very good at keeping up with the
quote
board)
*
“It’s
like Harry Potter” – Sarah
“Only with lots of sex!” – VA (Anticipating
the next book of a series. Yes, Nora Roberts.)
*
“Sex
is like Canada. It’s right there, but we never go.” – Paul Riser
“Yeah,
Paul Riser was in our living room. Because we live in a dorm, and we have a
living room.” – Whits
*
“I
should be working.” – Whits
“I should be sleeping… and Virginia should
have been a duck.” – Sarah (VA was making duck like faces.)
*
“You’ve
been breathing your whole life. You don’t need to do it right now.” – Coach
Caulkins (Swim team coach from hell…
she
was in our living room too.)
“Note
to all Quote board readers: WE DO NOT HAVE A LIVING ROOM!” – Sarah
“I
put too much water in my stomach. I now have peanut soup.” – Sarah (Rachel broke
the rules and gave us food. You
guessed
it… peanuts.)
“Kentucky
Fried Caligula!” – Sarah and Whits (Commenting on the passage in I, Claudius
in which the people proclaim to the
new
Emperor Caligula, “Our baby, our chicken, our star!” Yeah, we thought it was
weird too.)
*
“Right
now, I’m going to go party with Chef Boyardee.” – Rae
“Hey, Chef Boyardee is a party ANIMAL.” –
Erin
*
“I
don’t try, but evidently, I succeed.” – Erin
“So
which one are you going for? The old one, the young one, or the one Carson says
looks like Jesus?” – Chris (Curious
about
the upcoming BSB Stalking Extravaganza also known as the Black And Blue Tour)
“Whitney,
you are making me want a short, scrawny, married man.” – Chris. (I have
influence people. Woohoo!!!)
“I'm
going to marry them. All of them. 10 husbands. Sounds Mormon...” – Chris (What can I say? She was on a roll.)
“I’m
all slimy. Ven conmigo baby.” – Sarah
“Crack.
I want some.” – Sarah
“How
crack… *look of confusion*…like.” – Whits
“You
keep your dirty little fingers away from my keyboard.” – Sarah (to Whits)
“I
was raised by my mom and sisters, so I grew up thinking women are boss. Women
are right, men are wrong, the end.” –
Chris
Kirkpatrick (He was in our living room…correction, still is. We’ll release him
on one condition: J.C.)
*
“Grow
a pair.” – Brooke
“Why would I need a pear?” – Whits
<laughing hysterically because Whits is an
idiot> - Lisa
*
*
“Removing
y’all would be like removing three of my limbs. That’s painful.” – Sarah
“BUT, you’d get to be on T.V.!” – Whits (As
Sarah talked about what being separated from Whits, Erin, and VA would be
like)
*
*
“I’m
the Mean And Vengeful Bitch.” – Sarah
“So what am I, the Little Bitch That Could?”
– Whits
*
“Bother,
bother, bother, bother.” – Erin (Entering Whit’s room in response to the
message on her board that read: “Please
bother
me!”)
“You
need to erect a shine to chickens.” – Sarah (It had to do with a Lit class, a
vegetarian professor, and Whits, who lives off
chicken.)
“Brooke
stole my life.” – VA (She was talking about the board game.)
*
“You
are ASKING to be shot.” – Whits to Erin
“No I’m not. If I was asking to be shot I’d
say, ‘Whitney! Shoot me!’” – Erin (2 SECONDS later we saw an ad for Just
Shoot
Me.)
*
*
“That’s
better than what I would have done. I woulda sent him a kick in the ass, not a
Valentine. Followed by a set of teeth.
And
then a Chihuahua in the mail to finish him off.” – Whits
“Remind
me never to get in a relationship with you.” – Kelly
*
“Whoa
Sarah. I love you, but I don’t want to see your boobs.” – Erin
“I
would have been out in the yard yelling ‘Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!’… But then again,
that’s why they don’t let women be
presidents.”
– Sarah (Watching a West Wing episode)
*
“Oh,
buttnugget.” – VA
<howling with laughter> “Buttmugget?
Yes! I like it. Hey Erin! You’re a buttmugget!” – Whits
*
*
“Ha!
There’s a fugly.com.” – VA
“Fugly?
That’s a cool word. Hey you know what? That sounds like fucking… and ugly.” –
Whits
“Um,
Whits? That’s what it means.” – Erin
“Really?!
Wow!” – Whits
“Dumbass.”
– VA
*
*
“Do
you know how easy it would be for me to shove you off the bed right now?” –
Erin
“Yes.
But let’s not. That would be a helluva bang on the bedroom floor.” – Whits
*
“Women
have been in the kitchen since the dawn of time. It’s time to get out of the
kitchen and into the Living Room!” – Erin
(Coming
Soon: The Living Room Quoteboard)
*
“Two
words. Na-ked.” – VA
“That’s
one word.” – Erin
“Well
it should count for two!” – VA
*
*
“I
must have missed that.” – Whits
“Honey,
you miss most things.” – Sarah
*
“I
can basically just roll over and go to sleep now, but I’d be less tempted if I
have you to amuse me.” – Sarah (discussing life
in
a single without Whits)
*
“I
broke her!” – Whits
“Don’t
break your roommate!” – Erin
*
*
“I
mean, I could point to you and say ‘You! You will be the next Virgin Whitney.”
– Sarah
“Meep!”
– Whits (As they bitched about the paper Sarah was writing)
*
*
“What
happened to our whole ‘We’re going to class! We won’t skip! We’re going to
LEARN and do WELL!” – Whits
“We
lost it under my bed.” – Sarah
*
*
“We’re
dressing up SEXY. Like, all out.” – Sarah
“As
in, not like that.” – VA (pointing to Whits, who was slouched in her chair,
wearing her glasses, scrubbing her eye with her
finger.)
*
“Somebody
get the devil a parka.” – Whits
“Dood.”
– Sarah and Whits
“We
didn’t have to skip class! It was skipped for us!” – Whits
“You
think life’s a bitch, and then you live with one.” – Sarah
“Everyone
says it’s getting cold outside. This is not cold. Cold is when your snot
freezes.” – Erin (Who thinks she’s Canadian.)
“You
know what? I always wind up going out with a bunch of ladies hotter than I am.
I should have been a guy.” – Kari
“You’re
very pretty. *pause* I’m not coming on
to you.” – VA
“I
misunderstood the question! Until she smacked me.” – Chris
*
“You
wanna take this outside?” – Sarah
“Yes.
Just not in these shoes.” – Whits
*
*
“I’m
not so sure I should become friends with y’all. I don’t think it’s safe.” – Kat
“No,
it’s not. But we have sooo much fun on the way down.” – Whits
*
*
“Whits,
keep that up and I’ll make you blush.” – Kat
<ignoring
the cease and desist> - Whits
“Okay. Fine. Thighs and teeth.” – Kat
<turning BRIGHT RED> “I think I’m going
to go hide under the table. Wait, bad idea. I’ll get stuck. I don’t have good
luck with that sorta thing…….. Erin, swallow.” – Whits (We should know better
than to incite riots when people are eating.)
*
“Let’s
screw with his head. Roommate Style.” – Whits
“Are
you kidding? She fell out of the ugly tree and smacked every fucking branch on
the way down.” – Kat (It’s not as cruel as
it
sounds. Really. Okay, it probably is.)
“Are
you my Living Room?” – Whits
“Score!
That means I could sleep with Carter!” – Erin (No. Not Nick. Try ER. And don’t
ask.)
“Sorry
I’m late for class, I had to get the sand out of my ass.” – Jenn (When Riders
Fall Off)
*
“There
are perks to having a husband.” – Erin
“Yeah,
like sex.” – Shara
*
“I’ve
been peaed.” – Whits (VA got bored with her peas, so she threw them at Erin.
Naturally, she hit Whits.)
“A.J.
stopped by with a new supply didn’t he?” – Sarah (Referring to A.J.’s crack,
because Whits was finding multiple creative
ways
to say the word ‘yahoo’)
“At
home, when the weather was bad, we stayed in the barn. Forget that ‘come sleet,
snow, wind and rain.’ Leave that to the
fucking
mailmen.” – Whits
*
“Does
anyone have change for a ten, like, two fives?” – KWay
“Wow,
I don’t even know what that much money looks like.” – Kat
*
*
“We
were watching Newsies last night. Those boys are little, but they’re hot.” –
Sarah
“Yeah, little things amuse us.” – Kat (If
ONLY you’d seen her face when she figured out why we were falling out of our
chairs.)
*
*
“Poor
Whits has to pick on anyone she can, because we pick on her all the time.” –
Sarah
“That’s
right. We have Pick On Whitney most days.” – Erin
“Try
every day.” – Sarah
“And
twice on Sundays.” – Whits
*
“I’ve
got my vibrator on, and two buttons that work.” – Kat (Electro therapy people.
Sheesh.)
“It
was a glorious day in the reign of the mighty King Arthur………………. Well I’m fresh
out of ideas.” – Whits (This is how
stories
are written.)
*
“Martha
was in the shower when the power went out.” – Erin
“Oh
really? What happened?” – Kat
“It
got dark.” – Martha
*
*
“Josh
and Erin have many "throes of passion" many, frequent throes of
passion.” – VA
“Yes,
Erin is hardened into sex. Many, many
throes of passion for Erin and Josh!” - Martha (she's in our living room, that
makes
for one happy Martha!)
*
“I
need to get me some Snookie!” – Erin (On the drive to College Station, there is
a town called Snook. We enjoyed that.)
“I
went into my organic test, and then someone shoved a jackhammer up my ass and
turned it on.” – Sue (who hates organic
more
than Whits hates journalism)
*
“Us
spelled backwards is Su!” – Whits
“And
USE spelled backwards is… not Sue… d’oh.” – Sue
*
“A.J.
is the embodiment of what women want to ‘do.” – Whits
“Grace,
you should know better. In this house a queen always beats a strait.” – Will
(From Will & Grace… he was in our living
room.)
“Oh,
I plan on getting shitfaced with my hat on.” – Sarah
“The
shithole is sucking me in!” – Sarah (That would be our room.)
“You
know, this whole ‘work’ thing just isn’t working for me.” – Whits (Who was in
the middle of two, count ‘em, two,
midterms.
And you wonder why she doesn’t post frequently.)
“I
can’t picture any of you doing that. I can’t even picture me doing that!
… Wait.” – VA (You don’t want to know.
You
really
don’t.)
“Paging
customer service. We need a Hoover in room 308, room 308 needs a Hoover.” –
Sarah and Whits (Homework sucks.)
“I
leave the room for TWO SECONDS and y’all turn STUPID on me!” – Erin (Note: She
said ‘y’all.’ Score. We win!)
“NECKLE!!!!!!!”
– Sarah, Whits, Chris, Jason, etc. (Trust us. It’s hysterical.)
*
“What’s
something that’s white?” – Whits
“Marshmallows.”
– Erin
“Think
futuristic.” – Whits
“Futuristic
marshmallows?” – Erin
*
“Wow.
You ejaculate when you’re mad. That’s a neat trick.” – Whits
“Nick
did it. I want girls.” – Sue (Referring to Howie’s spinning at the end of the
‘More Than That’ video.)
*
“Dude,
that looked like lightening.” – Whits
“That’s
weird. I don’t have lightening in my room.” – Sue
*
*
“Okay,
wow. My mind just went way below the gutter.” – Whits
“Where,
to your left foot?” – Kelly
*
“Look!
My fans! All…five of them!” – Bob Baffert (If you like horse racing, you know
who that is. And yes, he really said that.
To
us. His five fans.)
“It’s
like fighting with a condom. Nobody gets hurt.” – Lisa (referring to Biscuit
using his claws while under a pile of sheets.)
“I
love drama. I think it’s fucking hilarious.” – Brooke
“And
yet, the competition over which one of you is the dumbest rages on.” – Erin
“He
adores me when I’m drunk and ignores me when I’m sober….wait.” – Whits (who has
never been drunk)
“Lisa!
Come back! Whitney said something funny!” – Brooke
“Hey,
I’ve already taken a shower and gotten dressed. I already have
pants on.” – Erin
“I
like to brush my teeth in crack.” – Brooke
“I love
my bed. But…this isn’t my bed, so never mind. This is your bed. I…don’t know
why I said that…shut up, or I’ll smother you with my pillow. Because this is my
pillow, not yours. Yours is….up….there. Yeah. Because they look a lot alike,
and…” Erin – (rambling while Whits stares in amusement, waiting to see just how
long she’ll keep talking.)
“I
don’t think I’ve seen 40,000 people in my life. Maybe in pictures.” – Lisa (On
the amount of hits on Whit’s site)
*
“She
should have a Woodchuck.” – Sarah
“How
much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” – Whits
“Try
saying that after you’ve had two.” – Sarah
*
“Tuesday
nights. Some people have Harvest House, we have Britney Spears.” – Brooke
“My
pussy is running away from me.” – Sarah (She was talking about her CAT, y’all.
Gross.)
“Yeah,
my English Majorness runs out after awhile.” – Whits (Who was completely
incapable of coherent speech, and decided to play psychologist just for kicks.)
“I
don’t lie, I get laid! Rah!” – Lisa (Lisa and Whits: The Workshop Cheerleaders.
Ah, English Majors.)
“You
can have Brian. I’ll take his best friend and his Mexican.” – Sue (Upon her
discovery that Howie is now hot.)
“Roafuckin’oke.”
– Whits
“Dude,
I'm from Alabama. You expect possums.”
– Brooke (Justifying her initial impression that a house cat was really a
possum.)
“Don't
you worry...I'm givin’ him the ‘to go box’ eye.” – Brooke (Pesky Olive Garden.
But….oh so good.)
“I
can’t paint anything that’s keratin based.” – Whits
“This
is one of those moments where you wish you hadn’t run over your camera isn’t
it?” – Erin (And I’ll be damned, that’s what I was thinking)
“My
puppy is kind of like a man, a very manly man, that occasionally wears fancy
women’s panties.” – Sarah (Examining felines and canines with canine and feline
tendencies.)
*
“We’ve
gotten a lot of good quotes lately.” – Whits
“That’s
because we’ve been drinking a lot lately.” – Sarah
*
“But
you’re naked and I’m crying.” – Whits
“Lick
your nuts. That will make you feel
better.” – Brooke
“There’s
gold in them there poops.” – Brooke (Goldschlogger’s. Yup.)
“Just
pick your shit word of choice.” – Brooke
“Yes!
Yes! You’re stepping on my eyeball!” – Erin P.
“You
wouldn’t say, for example, ‘absolutefuckingly.” – Pinckney
“And
now for Liz Lee’s masterpiece…of incomprehensibility.” – Pinckney
(Screenwriting workshops. And you think that I’m lying when I say it’s brutal.)
“That’s
why I like watching live TV. When they fall, you get to see it.” – Lisa
“Oh,
you ill educated oafs!” – Professor Dillard
“I
stuck my tit in her whipped cream.” – Brooke
“It’s
the desert! You have to have porcelain to piss on?” – Pinckney
“And
to punish me for my absence, my Creative Writing class met without me,
at the Cracker Barrel and conspired to turn in a packet full of really
terrible monkey poetry.” – Pinckney (Creative Writing classes should always be
supervised by a professor, or we do weird things.)
“The
entire time I was growing up, people worried about me. I don’t know, I bit
people.” – Prof. Dillard
*
“Where
did I leave my checklist? Oh, I think it’s under my underwear.” – Whits
“Well
then stick your hands down your pants and dig for it.” – Sarah (I was PACKING,
and had a pile of underwear on my CHAIR. Geez.)
*
“Well
we’re sure as hell not going to win the football game. At least give us
our big fire!” – Sue (on the Aggie Bonfire)
“Aww,
don’t bite Fancy. He tastes like potatoes.” – Whits (He’s a Connemara pony.
Connemaras are Irish. Am I the only one who thinks this is a logical
connection?)
“You
send me to the crackhouse.” – Whits
“You’re
breaking me down!” – Denny (picture it with a funny accent)
*
“Jimmy’s
got a girlfriend. Why isn’t it me?” – Whits (listening to The Wilkinson’s
‘Jimmy’s Got A Girlfriend.’)
“Because
Jimmy’s 14.” – Sarah
“Oh.
Well he’s probably dating Sue then.” – Whits
*
“I
have a talented tongue.” – Whits
“There
are good guys in the world, right? We will find them, right?
Whitney? The fate of the human race is at stake. I won’t breed with that kind.”
– Erin
*
“Unless
I am pregnant. That’s not possible. Unless…but I think I’m missing one integral
part.” – Sarah
“A
penis?” – Erin
“No!
Being a virgin. But, maybe God is evolving.” – Sarah
“What?
He uses a penis now?” – Erin
*
*
“Didn’t
you leave a trail of breadcrumbs?” – Sarah
“I
ate them!” – Whits
*
*
“God’s
our pal, right?” – Sarah
“Right.
We’re his Hollins girls.” – Whits
“LIGHTS,
people. LIGHTS!” – Sarah (yelling at cars on the road)
“Yeah,
Goddamnit!” – Erin
“Erin!
You’re not helping our cause!” – Whits
“Sorry!
God’s our pal, God’s our pal…” – Erin
(As we drive in snow and sleet through the mountains in a fearless stick
shift Nissan Sentra.)
*
“My
roommate’s an English major, so I can say it however the fuck I want!” – Sarah
“Do
you seriously think that Justin doesn't fantasize about kissing himself?
Probably the only person in his mind that's worthy of it.” – Dani
“See
I find 27, Lime Jello, and A Chicken, serve all of life's needs. If that's not
the answer, you asked the wrong question.” – Dani
“We’ll
sober you up with liquor.” – Lisa
“Fart
and run away! Fart and run away!” – Whits
“Don’t
fold them in half. I want you to pass them in face up, so everyone can see how
dumb you all really are.” – Prof. Dillard
“I’m
sorry, I’ve always wanted to be a chorus girl.” – Prof. Dillard
“Yo,
represent. We’re from the middle of nowhere. Wanna come?” – Lisa
“Did
you hear something? I think it was the crack of doom.” – Prof. Dillard
*
“I
could even take pictures of you dressed like a slut, smoking a cigarette, as
long as they were good. Best part of that…I would put them up on the Internet.”
– Lisa
“Lowest
hit porn site ever.” – Erin
*
“He’s
the president of the Giant Fuck You Corporation of America.” – Whits (Michael
Greene…the Grammy Guy)
“OH.
He is a spectacular jackass.” – Kway
“I
may have inadvertently tied myself into my pants.” – Erin
“Next
thing you know he’s going to be a sperm.” – Kat
“No.
Don’t set me up with him. Please. And my fingernail is definitely
stuck in my bracelet.” – Whits
“You
need to snog him. He’s from New Zealand. That’s an N and a Z.” – Sarah
(don’t ask)
*
“I
wanna flick them off.” – Kat
“Did
we not just watch Joyride?!” – Whits
*
*
“And
this is where we die.” – Kat
“I
don’t wanna play this game!” – Whits (merging on to I-66. It sucks.)
*
“If
you’re going to moor a ship outside the apartment, at least learn how to do
it!!!” – Lisa (on the shittily parked Suburban)
“It
would be just our luck if she walked by right now and heard us. I’d feel
really…not as bad as I should.” – Whits
“This
is a fuckily designed parking lot.” – Whits
“Despite
people who don’t think so, there are human beings living in Australia.” – Prof.
Dillard
“DVDs
are so bossy. Some of them. Others are soft and docile, like puppies.” – Prof.
Dillard
“You
know how some girls kiss other girls when they’re drunk? Well, I already do
that, so I eat meat.” – KP
*
“Who
does Moriarty want to #$%^?” – Lisa
“WILLIAM
SHAKESPEARE!!!” – Whits
“I
love Whitney.” – Lisa
*
“Black
balls! Come back! I want to know more about you!” – KP
“Some
people know that they can't write a paper in one night. They start their papers early. I on the other hand am more intent on
buttering my bread.” – Sarah (who has developed a severe obsession for French
bread with British butter...and is a double major in bull shit and
procrastination)
*
“Devolution
in the British parliament. 1000 words.” – Sarah
“Ew!”
– Whits
“My
reaction too. Especially since my paper is sitting up my ass playing Nintendo.”
– Sarah
*
“Wait.
I don’t have to ask. I just take.” – Whits
“I
would rather have hot pokers shoved up every orifice of my body simultaneously
while Eminem sings and gives me a lap dance.” – Whits (on writing an 8 page
paper on Renaissance Lit.)
*
“Crushed
and bloody wreckage?” – Kate
“No!
Peaceful. Made of marshmallows.” – Bethany
*
“Since
when did you become a cat?” – Erin (to Biscuit, who is in fact a cat)
“Wait.
Train derailed. It was messy.” – Whits (trains of thought are dangerous things…)