I dedicate this page to my special friend Ruth. She has had to take her web site down for now. She has given me permission to put some of her poems on my site. God has blessed her with a very awesome talent of writing poems. I do dedicate this one poem to her. She will know why. We do not know each other face to face, but we feel we know each other in our hearts. Our pain that we live with daily, has brought us close together. Love you much Ruth and thanks for your support my friend from Canada. A poem for you Ruth and wish I was the one who wrote it, but I wasn't.
In June of 1990, came the diagnosis of FIBROMYALGIA; with the help of a
rheumatologist; who found the cause of my pain in less than ten minutes. I thanked him for giving me a diagnosis, for I didn't have a clue what that was; and some doctors made me feel like I was just imagining the pain. He said I showed all the signs of it and gave me much to read about it and some hints on how to better cope with the fatigue. In learning about Fibromyalgia I soon learnt why on most days I felt as if I had been hit by a mack truck or a speeding train. I also learnt I had it in all but two of the eighteen regions of the body the doctor said it attacked. Now I knew why even the simplest of everyday tasks brought pain and fatigue. Although it hasn't made living with it any easier, knowing helps me to make better choices. I have learnt if I don't want to hurt, I have to ask for help; and I have to let things wait. I think that was the hardest thing to learn, I have always been an up early and get to work kind of person. Even learning all about fibromyalgia didn't take away the constant nagging pain in my back, and in my joints.
In October of 1990, I would find the cause for even more of my pain.
During a routine x-ray session for hip and back pain, came the diagnos
is of OSTEOARTHRITIS and DEGENERATIVE DISC AND JOINT DISEASE. I was
instantly put on inflammatory and arthritis medications and at times
they helped and at other times they nothing did at all. Once just one
pill nearly killed me, but a quick call to my doctor; and a tossing of
the pills didn't allow that to happen. How was I to know that after
seven years of trying different medications would allow another problem.
In going to the doctor, I told him just how tired I was and that it
wasn't the same kind of tired the fibro brought about. In having some
blood drawn in two days the answer came. My liver was feeling the
affects of the drugs and was not functioning as it should. I was sent
to see a specialist and he suspected the drugs but ran some other tests
just to make sure. In the meantime he took me off all my medications
except those for high blood pressure. I was to return to see him in six
weeks. When I returned the blood that had been drawn at the hospital
several days earlier, and the results sent to him showed that the liver
was functioning better but it would never return to its full self. He
told me I could not return to the meds, so I was on my own; trying to
cope as best I could and some days it was not easy.
During the mid nineties, I had two right knee surgeries; and although a
replacement will have to come someday I have been told I will have to
wait a bit longer for that, but in the meantime I would find an even
greater pain to deal with. On April 10th, 2002, my husband was diagnosed
with diabetes and it is how I remember what day it was that this new pain
came to say hello. I thought that it was just the seasonal change pain
I usually got but I was in for a big surprise for no matter what I did
it just didn't let up.
Finally after a few weeks, I gave in and went to the doctor for I had
to find out what was going on. I was sent for an CT scan, and the
results came back to my doctor saying I had something called, "Lumbar
Stenosis". It made walking and sitting for very long, very painful
and caused pain to shoot down the back of the legs. My doctor put me
on some pain meds to help, but I tried to get by without them; for I
remember very well the words the liver doctor. He told me that returning
to the meds would only make the liver problem return and so I only
took them when I couldn't take the pain any longer. I waited several
months to see a surgeon and on March 7, 2000, I had what is called a
"Facet Injection". The surgeon I saw wanted to try this route first
before considering any kind of surgery. He told me my back was in a
very delicate state and that I would always have to becareful and that
the pain wasn't going to go away for there were way too many places to
inject in order for that to happen.
On April 3rd, 2003, I returned for a checkup and found that for this
type of injection you could have no relief, some relief or the pain
wouldn't return. So far I am holding in the some relief category. I
will be forever grateful for this injection that has allowed me to do
some of the things that have had to wait for almost a year.
For now this is where I am, the pain is always present; somewhere in
this body of mine. I have heard that life begins at 40, but no one ever
said what kind of life it would be. I hope that as I continue through
this site and that through sharing my story with others, those who are
struggling too will know they are not alone; that those who are not won't
look at us at being different; just someone who lives with challenges.
As I said on my gift of opportunity page since coming online I have met
many others who live and try to cope with pain. I will be forever
grateful for having a family doctor who tries to find me the best care,
a family who allows me to know they love me no matter what; a best
friend who is simply there for me; and online friends who truly make
the rough spots easier to get through. Most of all I thank the Lord
for giving me this pain, for as strange as that may sound to many, it
truly has been a gift as well.
There is so much I could have put here, but I hope this is enough to
see that just because a person lives with pain; it doesn't mean they
are any different than anyone else. I have friends now who I know I
can write to on any given day and share my pain with. I truly believe
until you live with pain you can't begin to understand just how tough it
can be. A good friend taught me, you can; "Either Ride a Wagon of "Woe
is Me" as I once did; or you can just get up everyday and do the best
you can with what you have. It is how I choose to live my life, along
with trying to be a more compassionate and supportive friend to those I
meet along the way who also live with pain and even with those who don't.
I wrote this poem after meeting so many people online.
Those who were trying to deal with the lack of understanding from others.
In some cases even doctors!
I have written many poems to help me cope with my pain. When I read them, I often can't believe I wrote them. They give me an opportunity to look back and to see just how far I have come! Thank you Lord, for giving me such an awesome blessing. My next page is my poem: In A World Where Pain Lives