The Good, Bad and the Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman's who older than he
is
Ugly: She's your best friend.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your
daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: She's more knowledgeable about sex than you.

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: He's never home.
Ugly: His girlfriend is a man.

Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

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Marriage Life

Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends.  You order what you want,
then when you see what the other person has, you wish
you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?"  The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the
wrong man."

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You
know, I was a fool when I married you."
The wife replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband
wanted."  Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:  "You can have mine."

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and
said, "I've found a man just like father!"  Her mother
replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better
revenge than to let her keep him.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he
marries her?"
Dad: That still happening in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too
late."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my
husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the
friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is
that you never get to prove it.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.  Second marriage is the triumph of hope
over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you
start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and
so does she.

During a heated spat over finances, the husband said,
"Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to
clean this place, we could fire the maid."
The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah???  Well, if
you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the
chauffeur and the gardener."

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about
marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say
anything I want to around the house.  Of course, no
one pays the least bit of attention.

According to the latest surveys, when making love,
most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.