Murphy's Laws on Sex
1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the
easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2.Nothing improves with age.
3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's
offered, take it, because it'll never be quite the
same again.
4.Sex has no calories.
5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the
most amount of trouble.
6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what
people think you've got.
8.No sex with anyone in the same office.
9.Sex is like snow, because you never know how many
inches you are going to get or how long it is going to
last.
10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and
minds will follow.
12.Virginity can be cured.
13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she
usually stops listening to him.
14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man
are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

16.Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17.It is always the wrong time of month.
18.The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19.When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20.Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,
chances are you won't either.
21.Sow your wild oats on Saturday night... Then, on
Sunday, pray for crop failure.
22.The younger the better.
23.The game of love is never called off on account of
darkness.
24.It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on
the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25.Lost love is a hole in the heart.
26.Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to
kiss a lot of frogs.
27.There may be some things better than sex, and some
things worse than sex, but there's nothing exactly
like it.
28.Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
29.Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.


Simple Rules Chicks Don't Know
1.Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the
morning.
2.Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it
down.
3.Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4.Don't make us guess.
5.If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6.Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with
it.
7.He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
8.Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different,
it's just like every other cat.
9.Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10.Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
11.Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
12.Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13.You have enough clothes.
14.You have too many shoes.
15.Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't
expect us to like it.
16.Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an
idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17.Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18.No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19.Share the bathroom.
20.Share the closet.
21.Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22.A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
23.Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the
morning.
24.Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25.Check your oil.
26.Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27.Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than
deceived.
28.It is neither your interest nor ours to take the
quiz together.
29.Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible
in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30.If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31.If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant
the other one.
32.Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how
can we know how pretty you are?
33.Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to
come out.
34.You can either ask us to do something OR tell us
how you want it done -not both.
35.Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.
36.Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and
neither do we.
37.Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose
their right to complain about having their boobs
stared at.
38.When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing
onto the off-ramp, you saying, "This is our exit," is
not strictly necessary.
39.Nothing says 'I love you' quite like a blowjob in
the morning.

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Here are a few examples of Before and After you fall
in love
b- You take my breath away
a- I feel like I'm suffocating

b- Twice a night
a- Twice a month

b- she says she loves the way I take control of a
situation
a- she called me a controlling, manipulative,
egomaniac

b- Lucy and Ricky
a- Fred and Ethel

b- Saturday night fever
a- Monday night football

b- He makes me feel like a million dollars
a- If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...


b- Don't stop
a- Don't start

b- The sound of music
a- The sounds of silence

b- Is that all you're having?
a- Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

b- Wheel of Fortune
a- Jeopardy

b- It's like I'm living in a dream
a- It's like he lives in a dorm

b- $60/doz.
a- $1.50/stem

b- We agree on everything
a- Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

b- Victoria's Secret
a- Fruit of the Loom

b- Charming and noble
a- Chernobyl

b- Feathers and handcuffs
a- Ball and chain

b- Idol
a- Idle

b- I love a woman with curve
a-I never said you were fat

b- He's completely lost without me
a- Why won't he ever ask for directions?

b- Time stood still
a- This relationship is going nowhere

b- Croissant and cappuccino
a- Bagel and instant

b- Blind
a- Nearsighted

b- You look so seductive in black
a- Your clothes are so depressing

b- Oysters
a- Fishsticks

b- I can hardly believe we found each other
a- I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

b- Passion
a- Ration

b- Once upon a time
a- The end