Things You Learn As You Mature
1) I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and
give in.
2) I've learned that no matter how much I care, some
people are just jerks.
3) I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
4) I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to
others - they are more screwed up than you think.
5) I've learned that we are responsible for what we
do, unless we are celebrities.
6) I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy
a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and
there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
7) I've learned that sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
8) I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad
friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel
better about ourselves.
9) I've learned that no matter how you try to protect
your children, they will eventually get arrested and
end up in the local paper.
10) I've learned that the people you care most about
in life are taken from you too soon and all the less
important ones just never go away.

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One Sexy Butt?
 Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one
day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic,
one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If
any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you
will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that
he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip
to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic,
hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could
not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the
bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he
replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his
stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar,
realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's
words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt
lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual
looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over
to pick that up, we're both dead."