The penguins are evil. They're out to get me. They stalk me all the time. And they're plotting something. I know they are. They want to take over the world and wipe out mankind! But I refuse to let them succeed in their plots for world domination. And I came up with this before ever seeing Billy Madison or the Budweiser commercials, so ha! Actually, this whole thing started in my drama class at school with some of my friends. They were talking in accents pretending to be from other countries, so I said I was from Antarctica and started telling stories about the penguins and polar bears, and the rest is history.
You know, penguins actually can fly. Everyone thinks they can't, but that's not true. That's what THEY want you to think. You know, THEY as in THEM. That way it's easier for them to catch people off-guard, so by the time they realize the truth it's too late. The penguins can also get away with more stuff that way. If someone saw them flying away from a crime, they'd figure it couldn't have been a penguin if they can't fly, and most likely blame it on the puffins, who look like penguins but it's well known they can fly. All a big cover-up.
Have you seen those BudIce commercials? The penguins catch someone unawares, stealing their BudIce; the person only realizes what's happening because of the music, the horrifying penguin song: "Dooby dooby doo..." They even tell you to beware the penguins; it just proves my point that the penguins are evil.
The penguins have teamed up with the Mafia! They may be more powerful, but I'll still get them. Just wait and see.
Want to know the true story of the Titanic? The penguins shoved an iceberg with the mafia gathered on it into the ship. Then the mafia jumped on and started shooting everyone in sight, including the ever annoying Rose. Godzilla came along to speed up the process and ate Jack. But of course the CIA created a huge cover-up story to protect everyone from the truth.
What's with the penguins on the Mervyn's commercials? First BudIce, now Mervyns. Plus my brother Mike claims he's working with the penguins. My friend Darrell says he's half penguin. They're slowly taking over....
The penguins have turned their back on the mafia and are now working with the aliens. Sounds like an episode of...The X-Files! *theme song*
Okay, if Godzilla helped the penguins sink the Titanic, obviously he's working with them. Well, he was on a Taco Bell commercial, which means Taco Bell's helping the penguins, so of course that also means that their little "Yo quiero Taco Bell" dog, Dinky, is assisting the penguins too. The conspiracy is spreading....
My friend Darrell found out the latest penguin plot for world domination: they're going to freeze the world! That's why they need the aliens; they're the ones who have the freezing devices. The penguins will freeze the entire world, except Austalia, which will be the place where the Mafia can live. There is a weapon that can be used to stop the penguins: a heat ray which will blow them up, but unfortunately belongs to the mafia. The mafia, however, also wants to rule the world, which means they will have to go to war against the penguins sooner or later, and both the mafia and penguins know it. It's only a matter of time....
I've just discovered who the actual Mafia leader is: the Taco Bell dog, Dinky! He was thought to be dead, but he isn't. Not really. He's just gone home. Wait, maybe that was Elvis! Oh well, they were both excellent snipers...
The penguin conspiracy is spreading to my school. Our school colors were blue and silver. Then white became one. Now they're trying to make black another school color. But of course black and white are penguin colors. Probably the penguins that are disguised as teachers and students at our school who are behind that scheme. I'll stop them though; more people are already hearing about the penguin conspiracy, and the army of people against them is growing. It's only a matter of time before we stop them....
The Taco Bell dog Dinky is on our side now! He's being used as a spy to find out the plots of the penguins and stop them. The Mafia has also turned against the penguins.
McDonalds has joined the side of the penguins! They have penguins on their latest commercials, a whole flock of em! Of course, a place with a clown as scary as Ronald McDonald as their mascot would have to be evil.
Geez, now ecampus.com has also proved to be the penguins' allies by also using them on their commercials! It just keeps getting worse and worse...
The penguins have a new plot that my friend Greg told me about. They've built a penguinmarine as big as our school, plus they have that freezing device. They're not going to freeze everyone to death though, just make it cold enough so everyone has to be bundled up good and will be begging for mercy. It's also being used to freeze a bridge for them and their troops to cross the oceans from Antarctica. The squids are on their side helping them; if the penguins succeed in world domination, the squids will rule the water. The squid emperor is living in the Bermuda Triangle (of course it's real, they just don't want people to realize that). Polar bears are fighting for them to get promised supplies of unlimited Coca-Cola. The mafia with their heat rays is being distracted, and the penguins are working to kill them & destroy their heat rays. So who do we have on our side? The ninjas! Apparently Greg's with them and that's how he knows all this. They have a secret base in Area 51 (also not supposed to be known about), lightsabers, are putting forcefields around important cities to protect them from the penguins, and have blocked the penguins' comunication. The alligators are helping them, especially with battling the squids. Down with penguins!
Here it is ladies, gentlemen, and anything inbetween: how ice is really made! Now how could you still have a good opinion about penguins after seeing them violate our ice like that?
A new spy working with the penguins has been discovered: the parrots! There's a Coca-Cola commercial with them, meaning the penguins probably bribed them with Cokes just like they did the polar bears. When they say, "Polly want a cracker," what they really mean is, "Polly want to take over the world."
This was emailed to me by a penguin as a threat. They know I know too much and don't want me to spread the truth about them, so they thought sending this would stop me. Of course, they were wrong.
Oh my gosh, the penguins have even started their own comic now! Pokey the Penguin, meant to make little kids believe penguins are good, should be liked, and never disobeyed or killed. It's really, truly frightening, not mention confusing as heck, especially for those of us who are easily confused. Also shows just how stupid the penguins really are. If you really want to see it, here's the address: http://www.yellow5.com/pokey/archive/ While you're there, I suggest sending them a lovely email to show we're not going to stand this madness! Or something.
Ever hear of Penguin Books? It's a publishing company run by tons of penguins that I suspect use subliminal messages in their books. You don't conciously notice them, but your subconcious does and listens to them without even knowing. Messages something like "obey the penguins" "penguins are good" "do not kill the penguins" and other things like that. So watch out!
Here's the original monologue I wrote & performed for theater after making up the penguin thing.
Ever wonder what a conversation with a penguin would sound like? Well here it is. Just to warn you, attempting to communicate with them can permanately damage your sanity.
