The Truth About Mulder and Scully
Starring: Me as the mom, my bro Matt as Mulder, Michelle as Scully, and Angela (a different one) & Tiffany W. as Katie & Tiffany. The pix are from a performance we gave in someone else's house.
In the first part of this play, the PeeWee family went camping, forgot all their stuff, and decided to take a shortcut home through the woods. They stumbled upon a cave where two theives (Mulder and Scully) had hidden the jewelry they'd stolen and took it with them in their empty ice chest to clean it cuz it had gotten dirty, also replacing their guns with identical squirt guns to keep people from playing with the real ones and getting hurt. Mulder & Scully spied on them, thought they were secret agents, and decided to follow them.
(The PeeWee family is walking through the woods.)
Katie: I’m tired. Are we there yet?
Mom: I don’t think we are, but I’d have to check to be positive. (Mulder and Scully come out and follow them.)
Tiffany: Can we take a break and sit down for awhile?
Mom: Sure. (They all sit down abruptly. Mulder and Scully bump into them.)
Katie: Hey, watch it! (She gasps.) Wow! Are you guys strangers?
Scully: No. We’re Mulder and Scully.
Mulder: The Men in Black.
Scully: Actually, to be politically correct it’s The People in Black.
Mulder: Whatever.
Mom: We’re the PeeWees.
Scully: You’ve got to be kidding. That’s the stupidest name I’ve heard since Pee Wee Herman.
Mom: I like it. So, why are you guys out here?
Mulder: We have a hideout here where we keep our stolen goods. (Scully elbows him.) Ouch! I mean, we were, uh, picking flowers.
Katie: I don’t see any flowers.
Scully: Be quiet brat!
Mom: What did you say?
Scully: I said, um... Shun lup nat. It’s Chinese for ‘The flowers are invisible.’
Mulder: You know Chinese?
Scully: No, you idiot! I was just saying that to trick them. So, um, what are you guys doing out here?
Mom: We went camping, forgot everything except an empty ice chest, and decided to take a shortcut through these woods.
Mulder: Did you walk here?
Mom: Don’t be ridiculous. We drove our slug bug.
Scully: Then why aren’t you driving it home instead of walking?
Mom: We wanted to take this shortcut back. It’s not like we can drive our car through the woods.
Scully: But wouldn’t it have been faster to drive around the woods?
Mom: If we did that, we’d have to go farther.
Scully: I give up. These guys are stupider than you are, Mulder.
Mulder: Hey thanks!
Scully: Are you sure you’re not related to them?
Katie: I have to pee mom. Are there any bathrooms around here?
Mom: I’m not sure. Why don’t you search for one and catch up to us?
Katie: Okay. (she exits)
Scully: All right, enough small talk. Hand over the jewelry.
Mom: You like wearing jewelry too? Wow. You know, it really is a small world after all.
Scully: Be quiet. Fork it over.
Mom: What’s the magic word?
Scully (holding a gun to Tiffany’s head): Hand it over, or we shoot the brat!
Mom: I’m afraid I can’t do that. Katie took the jewelry with her.
Scully: Too bad, so sad. (She pulls the trigger and squirts Tiffany.)
Tiffany: Cool! I have a squirt gun that looks just like that. (She pulls out the gun and shoots Scully, who falls to the ground.)
Mulder: Scully! Are you okay?
Scully: What does it look like? Get them, Mulder!
Mulder: All right Scully. (He heads towards them. Suddenly there is a strange noise and flashing lights. An alien steps out.)
Alien: Are you the one they call Mulder?
Mulder: Yes. Are you what we call an alien?
Alien: Of course. Who did your think I was, Elvis? We abducted him a long time ago.
Mulder: See Scully. I told you they were real. I told you there was life on other planets. And you thought I was crazy. (He sticks his tongue out at her.)
Alien: We are very interested in you, Mulder. We’ve been watching you, and are amazed at your intelligence. Come with me, please, to our home planet.
Mulder: Sure. (They exit. Lights flash again, and the noise is repeated.)
Tiffany: Cool! Wait till I tell my friends I saw a real alien. Wait a minute, I don’t have any friends. (She shrugs.) Oh well. (Katie enters.)
Mom: Who are you?
Katie: I’m Katie. You know, your daughter.
Mom: Oh, Katie. Did you find a bathroom?
Katie: I think I found one, but it was invisible.
Scully: Can I have my jewelry back now? Look, I know you guys are secret agents who want the jewelry we stole, but if you just hand it over and forget about it, I can make it worth your while.
Mom: You mean, you guys stole this jewelry, and you think we’re secret agents? (The PeeWees laugh.)
Scully: Why are you laughing? What’s so funny?
Katie: We’re not secret agents.
Scully: You’re not?
Mom: No, of course not.
Tiffany: You stole jewelry?
Scully: Maybe.
Katie: Duh, she just told us that. Can I have your autograph?
Tiffany: Me too!
Mom: Now kids, she’s a criminal. She could be dangerous.
Tiffany: Well what are we going to do now?
Mom: I’m not sure, Tiffany.
Katie: The woods end right up ahead. There’s a street and a pay phone.
Mom: Great! We can call the police. (Turning to Scully) Do you have any change I can borrow? I’ll pay you back.
Scully: Here. (She gives her some change.)
Mom: Does anyone here know the number for 911?
Scully (sighing): Thatis the number.
Mom: I don’t think so. I’ll have to call the operator to make sure. Kids, stay here with the criminal while I make the call. (she leaves.)
Katie: Can you tell me how to become a criminal?
Tiffany: Yeah, I want to become a criminal too!
Scully: I don’t really have time before your mom gets back to give you the details, but I do have some books in my bag that will help you. (She pulls some books out and reads the titles out loud.) “How to Assassinate the President,” “How to Become a Psychopathic killer,” and, Mulder’s personal favorite, “How to Get Abducted By Aliens.” Enjoy!
Katie & Tiffany: Don’t worry, we will! (Mom enters.)
Mom: Okay, kids. The police are coming.
Katie: Why?
Mom: Because Scully stole the jewelry, and we need to return it to its owners.
Katie: Why?
Mom: Because it’s not ours.
Katie: Why?
Mom: Just because, okay? Leave me alone!
Katie: Okay. Why?
Mom: Because you’re annoying me. Bug your sister.
Katie: All right. I'm going to bug you, okay Tiffany?
Tiffany: No you aren’t.
Katie: Yes I am.
Tiffany: No you aren’t!
Mom: Be quiet kids! We’re going home.
Scully: What about me?
Mom: The police are coming for you. Give them this jewelry, okay? (They exit.)
Scully: What idiots. I’ve never met anyone so stupid. Except for maybe Mulder. Oh well. At least I get my jewelry. (She takes it and exits.)
Email: excellent5@hotmail.com
