I came down the stairs a little early Saturday morning but stopped when I heard Kate's voice. She was talking to my mother.
A wave of sensations from the night before came over me. Finding out she had listened to me talking to her picture. Seeing her standing shyly, almost frightened in the hallway. Walking up to her, and she not backing away. Our bodies touching, then our lips. Then the overwhelming moment she began to return the kiss. And then the betrayal on her face when I kissed Cara. I remembered that and hated myself.
I know eavesdropping is a bad habit, one I've lectured Jenny about countless times, but...I needed to know how Kate felt about me. From the hurt sound in her voice when she said I was just playing games, I knew she hated me. Then happiness came over me when she told my mom that she loved me. And then she left.
I raced down the stairs the rest of the way trying to catch up with her. My mom looked at me disappointedly as I flew out the front door. I reached her just as she reached her front door. As she put her key in the lock, I grabbed her wrist. Jumping back into my arms, she had tears in her eyes. So did I.
Bowing my head down, I kissed her softly. She was unresponsive. I looked in her eyes and was shocked to discover the anger there. "How dare you?"
Jarred by the hatred in her harsh voice, my arms slightly slackened. She twisted the rest of the way out of my arms, ran inside her house, and slammed and locked her door.
And I was left alone. I slumped home and up the stairs to my room and shut the door. Then I discovered what I had to do. I called Cara and broke our date to the dance. Next, I completed the hardest thing I hope I'll ever have to do. Write an apology to Kate.
Dear Kate,
Very few things in my life I've been proud of. Nothing I've done lately has inpired any pride in me. I look back on these past few weeks and I just want to die.
I have many confessions to make to you. First, I must make the apologies. I want to apologize for not being up front with you about my feelings for you. I'm sorry for how I betrayed you last night. I'm sorry that I eavesdropped this morning on your conversation with my mom. But the thing I hate most about myself is the way I treated you on your doorstep this morning. If I could have only told you the truth from the beginning. But this is a time for apologies, not confessions. I'm sorry if I hurt you anytime, in any manner: physical, mental, or emotional.
The confessions are probably the hardest thing to write. First of all, I have nothing but platonic feelings (at most) for Cara Astley. That was a game I was playing to ultimately make you jealous; it backfired. Second, for as long as I can remember, I have been in love with you. But, because I didn't want to mess up the platonic-ness (if that's a word) of the gang, I didn't say anything.
Third, and probably the weirdest. You remember that day at the beginning of summer when we were taking pictures on the beach? And Jenny took that picture of you and me with our arms around each other's shoulders? We went to that one-hour photo place and got double prints. And you put your copy on your bulletin board. Remember how you wondered what I did with mine? I took mine and got it blown up to an eight-by-ten sized picture and put it in a silver frame. And every night I pull it out from between my mattresses (where I keep it hidden the rest of the time) and gaze at you and promise your image that one day I will tell the real you how I feel about you. That's the picture that I was talking to when you "looked in" on me last night.
I don't have the right or grounds to ask you to forgive me. If I were in your situation, I wouldn't forgive me. I mean, I only told one person how I feel about you. And he turned right around and betrayed me by asking you out. The very next day. All I can offer you is my love. Obviously, you can't trust me. If you read this far, and still hate me, that's what I basically deserve. I adore your determination and optimistic nature about people. If you can find it in your heart to ever forgive me, please give me a sign.
I won't try to pressure you. I'll even stop hanging with the gang if that's what you want. Send a message by way of Jenny if you are loath at the idea of speaking to me. The only person who can make this decision is you.
I'll be waiting, my love.
I love you with all my heart and soul.
Love always and forever,
Jeffrey Davis
I sealed the letter in an envelope just as there was a knock at my door.
"Come in," I said. It was Jenny.
"Where's Kate?" she asked. She shrank from my stony look. "You know, what you did was really low. Kate loves you. She might not have been able to admit it to me or even to herself. And you love her. And you single-handedly ruined it."
That didn't help my mood. "She left."
"What time are you picking Cara up?"
I sighed. There seemed to be no way to avoid the conversation. "I'm not going with Cara. As you could probably already guess, I'm not interested in her."
"Good. When are you picking Kate up?"
"Never, it seems. I did blow it."
Jenny looked impatient. "Have you even told her how you feel? What are you going to do if she falls in love with Mark?"
"I tried showing her. That kiss was from the heart." I waved the letter in her face. "After she reads this, the ball's in her court."
Jenny whistled. "You think a letter is going to help? And I bet you were going to make me deliver it, weren't you? Wouldn't you rather deliver it yourself so you could see her reaction?"
"Fine," I said, heading out the door of my room.
"Hey! Jeff, wait," Jenny shouted after me, but I kept walking.
I looked down at my watch. 3:00! That letter took longer than I thought to write!
Please let her be home. Please let her answer the door. As the door opened, I almost howled with delight when I saw it was Kate. A red-eyed, yet still beautiful Kate. Then she turned into a scowling, glaring Kate upon recognizing me. "What do you want?"
I had expected a worse greeting, actually. So I answered placidly, "To give you this letter."
She took the aforementioned letter and gestured me inside. Thrilled even at this small politeness, I managed a grin. She unsealed the letter. She looked at it a long time.
A few minutes later, Mrs. Jenkins came into the living room. "Who was at the door, Kate?" Then she saw me and grinned broadly. "Hey, stranger. We haven't seen you around much lately."
"Hi, Mrs. Jenkins. I've been bus...."
"Mom," Kate said, interrupting me, "could you excuse Jeff and me? We have a...a project we're working on for school, and the stuff's all upstairs."
Mrs. Jenkins cast me a bemused look. Me, I was too nervous to argue. Kate acted like she was going to tell me to stay away permanently. I managed a slight smile of farewell for Mrs. Jenkins and followed Kate upstairs. I followed her through the opened door of her room and closed it gently.
"Is there some reason why you think you have the right to shut the door of my room?" Kate growled.
I shook my head in disbelief. "I don't want the whole world to hear what you're about to say to me. It's hard enough to stand here and hear it alone."
"Fine," she responded impatiently. She picked up something from her desk. I felt my shoulders sag.
She turned to where she was facing me...and it was just as it was last night. The fear, the nervousness, the passion, the love. I looked over at the object clutched to her heart, and my own heart soared. It was a framed snapshot. The one of us together.
Slowly, I advanced toward her, and just like last night, she did not move back. I stopped when we were almost touching; her eyes reflected confusion, almost hurt. Then I gently disengaged the framed photo from her hands and reached around to place the photo back on the desk. Instead of moving my arms back to my sides, I wrapped them around her, drawing her to me. As our bodies pressed together, I couldn't keep from trembling. I gazed down into her eyes, and she said the words to me I had been waiting for. "I love you, Jeff."
Anything else she would have said was lost the instant our lips touched. Everything that was felt last night and emotions that we had time now to reveal were revealed in those gentle, passionate kisses. Then she withdrew delicately. My breathing was labored; hers, somehow, wasn't.
"Does this mean that we are a 'we'?" I asked.
She lifted her head from my chest and nodded gently. I tucked a wisp of her hair behind her ear.
"What about Mark?"
"I already told him it was over. Did you really think I could date him when I love you the way I do?"
I kissed her nose and her forehead. "What about the dance?"
"Are you asking me on a date?"
"Yeah. What's your answer?"
She smiled craftily. "Let's just put it this way." Then she pulled my head down so our lips could touch and gave me the most searing kiss I have ever in my life experienced. And I kissed her back.
Back to The Gang Contents
Part 3: Kate
Back to The Gang Contents
Back to the Writings Room
Back to ME!
Back to My Home Page