The Differences Between Men and Women

HANDWRITING
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationaries and they dot their I's with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their P's and G's. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

COMEDY
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an eposode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the local hotel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES
A women makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and some ketchup. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter then the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

GOING OUT
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup, brushing....

CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, hopes, and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, and funerals.

LAUNDRY
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Stype."

WEDDINGS
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor Party".

SOCKS
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cute way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big, fuzzy ball on the back.

CHEERLEADERS
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

NICKNAMES
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for the evening, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

EATING OUT
...and when the check comes, Mike Dave, Rob, and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

MENOPAUSE
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man (or, at least, its equivalent; often referred to as a "midlife crisis") provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap, and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

THE TELEPHONE
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A women can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, come home, call her about the trip and talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she wills stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. men will never stop and ask for directions. men will drive in a cirlce for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and , "I know I'm in the general neighborhood, I recognize that 7-11 store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

TOYS
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly, and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

POLITICS
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys are growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

MOUSTACHES
Some men look good with moustaches: Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds, and Kevin Kingsley. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

HATS
Women look good in hats; men look like geeks.

CAMERAS
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

GARAGES
Women use garages to park their cars and store lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

JEWELRY
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

SPORTS ARENAS
Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.

TIME
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size", ... Women, not having this problem, try to initate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. and so on.

RESTROOMS
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"