I made a decision last night, one that will cost me my sanity. Let me tell you my story now, I can wait no longer for fear i will run out of time.

There is a grrl that goes to my skool, if you can even call her a grrl. She's more like a creature, something wild and beautiful that comes out at night when no one is there to witness her magnifiscence. If you looked at her, you found it hard to turn your gaze away. Her eyes seemed to be an endless black, her hair equally dark--but sometimes in the light you could see blue and purple flash off of her short, stylish cut. She wore clothes made with intricate details and patterns, bodices that laced and long, full skirts. Her pale skin and expressionless face made her look like a new-wave china doll. But although she may have looked delicate and breakable, her cold dark eyes and unblinking stare told you otherwise and kept you moving on your way instead of stopping over to say hello. One day as i was walking blindly through the hallway, from class to pointless class to, to my utter surprise and somewhat reluctance I found this grrl goddess walking next to me. If i hadnt been somewhat freaked out before, what she said next flew my thoughts into overdrive, my heart beating twice as fast:
"You're hiding somethign."

I suppose i didnt actually believe that she meant to be walking with me and just the sound of her voice ran a chill up my spine. There was no emotion in her voice. There was no life. It was hard to believe that those were human eyes staring back at me, and yet they were. No more and no less. My mouth wouldnt work right, wouldnt pronounce, wouldnt articulate. All i could manage was "I'm not hiding anything."
Pretty pathetic.

And i really wasn't hiding anything--i had nogthing to hide. There were no deep dark secrets. Nothing dramatic had ever happened in my life. I was a normal grrl, got decent grades, had a mom and a dad (though they lived in two seperate houses)--but i suppose that was the most normal part of all. Yet there was somethign that tugged at me as she said those words--somethign that made me wonder if i was as normal as i thought i was. What was normal? Were the jocks normal? The smart kids? The popular ones? Was the world we lived in normal? Normal compared to what? All of these things and many more flew through my mind in the course of a few seconds after the grrl, (Raven we will call her--she never told me her true birthname)-- after she first spoke to me. For the next few weeks we didnt speak much, but as i walked down the hallway i found myself sorting through the faces of the mindless people, searching for her, hoping to see those china doll eyes staring back at me. Yet always she appeared next to me, only when i finally stopped looking. The surprise of seeing her was like being thrown in icey cold water and each time i caught my breath; her appearence, her intensity, and her very exsistence were overwhelming to the senses.

Eventually she began asking me to come with her on a trip she had to make, we could go during skool she insisted. The thought of being alone with Raven terrified me, yet at the same time was inescapable. It was on my mind all the time, as if maybe she would tell me the secrets of the world. Physically, i was not afraid of Raven. I had more height and strength than she possessed, but it was that stone voice and black stare that put the fear of mere survival pumping through me. After weeks of persistance my self-control was faltering, and despite the feelings of alarm coming from my very core i decided to go with Raven on the journey that was so important to her. We boarded a bus heading for the ocean and were on our way. I dont even remember much of the ride, i felt so completely exhausted--drained. The whole time i slept, and i dreamed. The dreams were wild adventure dreams, things of the impossible, existing only in unreality. They left me feeling excited and renewed, like i'd slept a lifetime and looking forward to the end of the trip. When we came to our stop, i wasnt even aware of how far we'd gone or how long we'd been travelling, only the feeling of incredible warmth and love.

The complete, all-encompassing feeling of belonging to something; belonging to the ground and the sky and to Raven. I did not, and still to this day do not believe that the place we visited exists on a map. I can only believe that somehow Raven created that place for my benefit, to make things easier for me. All the time i had feared Raven, I had only feared the moment when i would realize what she was. That moment was now, but in the midst of this lovely safe haven i didnt even care. Raven was my mortality, my death, my despair, my love, my life. When I was tiny, just a shadow in the womb, my heart beat so faint, it skipped and fluttered, threatened to stop. I thought how disappointed my mother, this giver of life would have been if i was too weak to be born-- the sadness, the sorrow. So i prayed. Even then, before anyone spoke of religions or Gods, i prayed. I prayed to something i did not know yet somehow understood. And i was born. Raven was that force, that energy that preserved my life for so many years. What you may associate with and angel or guardian or fairy godmother. She had given me that chance i had so sorely wanted at life and i had failed to do anything significant with such a precious gift, had failed to change the world. Raven was a fair grrl, calculating and cold, but she was hard from being bound to the earthly world. She would show no mercy where none was due. I descended that night, back into the womb where it has all begun so many times before, and i urgently get this out now before my body starts to reform. Before my heart starts to beat again. So with these words maybe, just maybe i might etch this story into my memory, into my very soul so that next time i can do something better for the world in the time i am given.

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