Maybe it was the smartest girl in your third-grade class. Maybe it was the fattest boy in your gym period. Or maybe you were the one who endured the merciless barbs and insults hurled by cliquish classmates.
Once considered inevitable rites of childhood, chronic teasing and bullying are beginning to be viewed by educators and researchers as a dangerous social condition.
"It's the threat of physical violence that gets kids," said Julie Doherty, comprehensive health coordinator of Salem Public Schools. "It can lead to low self-esteem and poor grades."
The massacre at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colo., on April 20 has focused attention on how severe the effects of bullying can be. The two gunmen, who killed 12 classmates and one teacher before committing suicide, reportedly said they were seeking vengeance against those who had bullied them.
While experts agree that most victims of bullying do not resort to such extreme violence, they say what happened at Columbine is a bold reminder that children can carry the scars of teasing into adulthood.
"It can absolutely drive someone over the edge," said Donald Wertlieb, a child psychologist and Tufts University professor of early childhood development.
While adults cannot protect children from the cruel taunts that plague classrooms and schoolyards, researches say that with a little creativity teachers and parents can help children better deal with the troublesome phenomenon.
"There's a spirit that you can create - a spirit that tells a child belonging to the school is all the identification they need to fit in," said noted child psychiatrist Dr. Alvin Poussaint.
The key to success in stamping out schoolyard snickering is teaching students early on how to empathize with others, according to Nancy Mullin-Rindler, associate director of the Project on Teasing and Bullying at the Wellesley College Center for Research on Women.
"When kids tell Mom and Dad they're being picked on, most of the time adults tell them to work it out themselves," Mullin-Rindler said. "But children are asking for help. They want to know how to solve the problem."
"Bullyproof," one of two conflict-resolution programs developed at Wellesley and used in schools from Salem to Hawaii, teaches students some ways to overcome the threat of violence. The program, which can be incorporated into any existing elementary curriculum, uses puppet shows, role-playing, cartoons and writing assignments to expose children to an array of bullying scenarios.
A musical stage play, a "rap 'n' roll opera," presents situations teens often encounter and demonstrates how to deal with them.
A similar program, implemented five years ago at Buckingham, Browne & Nichols School in Cambridge, has brought about a visible change in student behavior, according to Deborah Maher, curriculum coordinator.
"We send a clear message to students from the beginning that shunning classmates is unacceptable here," she said. The program, called "Responsive Classrooms," includes a component where preschool students begin each day by sharing something about themselves or their families with their classmates.
Older children in the school start the day by shaking hands with the classmates closest to them. On Fridays, the morning meetings culminate with a high-five to celebrate the end of the week. "They learn that everyone in their class is important," Maher said.
Most often, kids are teased for simple reasons - they're too small, too big, too smart or not smart enough. A child who stands out for any reason is fair game, and psychologists urge parents of children who are teased often to enroll them in schools with sensitive classrooms or to pressure the child's current school to adopt programs like Bullyproof or Responsive Classrooms.
"But that doesn't mean the teasing will stop," cautioned Poussaint. "Putting someone down is a comedic style in America. Television shows are ripe with quick one-liner insults. Kids pick up on that."
The curt dismissal that some parents give children when they talk about being ridiculed at school only contributes to the child's torment, counselors say.
The most important thing parents can do when they discover their child is getting bullied at school is encourage them to discuss exactly what is happening, according to Richard Shulik a child psychologist with the Newburyport School District.
"You want to get into your child's head," he said. "You want to ask direct and pointed questions - not questions your child can answer with a yes or no."
The first question should be geared toward finding out how the child feels about what people are saying about him or her. "You want to know if your child thinks the kids who are teasing them are right in their observations," Shulik said.
"The first order of business is to make sure your child is secure with who they are or how they look - even if that is different from other children."
Shulik advises parents to enroll a child who is being teased in martial-arts classes. "The point is not to teach kids to respond with violence but to give them confidence."
And there is a lot of healing in humor, Shulik said, adding that parents should help their children concoct humorous retorts and comebacks to be used in the heat of the moment.
"The best comedians are the ones who make what's different about them a part of their act," he said, referring to comedian Jay Leno, who often makes reference to his large chin.
But what if the child hides the teasing from their parents? It's a scenario that is all too common for high school students, said Nicole Levasseur, a 16-year-old peer counselor who fields calls for the Mayor's Youthline in Boston.
"Once kids get into high school, they talk less to their parents about being bullied because they see it as their own weakness," said Levasseur, who attends Fenway High School and urges teenagers who feel like outcasts to talk to a teacher or school administrator.
