Wet, windy, and cold
Mood:  blue
Ahhh, what a life, what a life, the craziness of life never ceases to amaze my little mind. Ohh, what a life my parents gave me, and ohh, what a life I've made of their gift. Sometimes I wonder if I'm taking the correct pathway or not, seems as if life likes to give me a good kick to the heart every once in a while, though it seems to be so frequently, anymore. What trials and tribulations I've been through and dealt with through these two decades of living. Looking back upon them all, it really seems as if someone has been dealing me a losing hand, but maybe it only looks that way because I don't know how to play the cards right. Granted, I've had much success in some aspects of life, but I've had some major flops, too. But those flops are just as important as the success, for those flops are part of the whole situation which lead to the success. I can't regret any decisions I've made, though at times, I do. It's hard to say what has been a good decision and what's been bad, many situations contain elements of both. There's no use bemoaning, one can't put spilt milk back in the jug, but that spilt milk would be awfully tasty for a little bitty kitty to lick up. :o)

*sigh*

So many problems in life, and I feel as if I have no one to turn to for help in any of them, it seems as if I'm all on my own. No one extends a hand to help, and I'm too proud to ask for one. Many of my old friends are practically lost to me, and I'm not comfortable enough around my new friends to share my shit with them. It seems it would only burden them and bring them down, which is the last thing I want to do for them. I want to stay bright and cheery, someone they can always count upon for a granted smile. But it is so hard to be that person when your heart is full of pain and doubt. So hard to talk to people when you just need to go outside and shout. I need a shoulder to cry, but I can't let them see my tears. Damn me for my pride. It will be my damnation, I'm sure of it.
*sigh*
I miss my old friends, I miss the feeling of being a part of something fun, instead of feeling apart from the fun. I recently spent an evening with my old buddy Robert, whom I hadn't seen in many months. He's doing well, excellent even, has a rocking girlfriend, and is in great spirits. I had a wonderful time with him, really made me recall how much I enjoyed being in his company, all of the good times we had together in Fairfield, and beyond. I miss having such close chums. He and Arik were two really solid guys, it's a shame what came between us. I've often wondered how Arik has been faring in his life, if he is really happy and contented. Even after all the shit we went through, I really hope he is. He's a good man, means well, and I hope he's doing well with his life and marriage. Best wishes to you Arik, though you may never read this.

Good luck, everyone, warm regards, and may you experience greater joys in life than you've ever known before. I miss you all, and wish you could be a current part of my life. Until that happens, happy trails, folks.

~A