Fun With Words
Pun Fun
* If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
* "Time's fun when you're having flies." Kermit the Frog
* For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
* If a parsley farmer is sued, could they garnish his wages?
* Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
* A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
* If a guy is picked up for stealing human hearts from a morgue, is that a cardiac arrest?
* A dentist's patient declined to use novacain. He wanted to transcend dental medication.
* Show me a witch who verifies her incantations and I will show you a spell checker.
* A couple was hunting with a guide in Russia. The weather turned foul and the couple started to argue if it was rain or sleet. Finally, the woman asked the guide to decide. His answer: "Definitely rain. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
* What do you call a cat who just ate an entire mallard in one sitting? A duck-filled fattypuss.
* Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Funnies
* Voice on phone: Ernie has a cold and can't come to school today.
School secretary: Who is this?
Voice on phone: This is my dad.
* I live on a one-way dead-end street. I don't know how I got there.
* An dyslexic agnostic insomniac lies awake at night pondering the existence of Dog.
* Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
O.J.
O.J. who?
Great!! You can be on the next jury!
* What did the man with no legs say to the man with no arms?
I don't know either, but it WASN'T, "Hey, will you hand me my shoes, please?"
* A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is this a joke?"
* I was walking in the woods and saw a rabbit by a candle making shadows of people on a nearby tree.
* My friend has an answering machine on his car phone. It says, "I'm at home right now. I'll call you back when I'm out."
* A man walks nervously into a field with a bull. He spies a farmer on the other side of the fence and asks, "Is this bull safe?" The farmer replies, "He's as safe as he can be; but I can't say the same for you."
* Names:
Optometrist - Seymour Clearly
Insurance Salesman - Justin Case
Insurance Adjuster - Carlos N. Toto
Inept Lion Tamer - Claude Severely
Darth Vader's sister - Ella
Phys Ed teacher - Jim Schorts
Microsurgeon - Lance Boyle
Petty Thief - Robin Steele
Rancher's Wife - Barb Dwyer
Funny Translations
* In a Paris hotel lobby: Please leave your values at the desk.
* In a Japanese hotel lobby: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
* On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
* In a Bangkok's dry cleaner: Drop your trousers here for best results.
* In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
* In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
* In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
* In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
* In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
