I was watching a Tv show last night and two of the shows people were arguing about being friends. The woman was telling the man that they could just be friends and have sex on the side. With no strings attached. And the guy told her that he didnt think that would work very well. Of course she was pissed and asked why not. And plain and simple he said "Fucking complacates things". Well that pretty much explains everything huh? I actually found that to be very humours. Not only because I totally agreed, but for the fact 4 months ago I was all for the casual sex thing. Its really strange how people change with whats going on in there lives huh? I think its pretty messed up if you ask me. I guess no matter how hard I try I will never be able to understand somethings. I mean we can always smile and fake it but someway or another you are gonna have to admit that you have no clue. And then where are you gonna be? So I guess what I'm trying to say is "I HAVE NO CLUE". Ok its said now what?!?!?!

Well a year ago today my grandmother past away. It was a very strange day for me. July 28, 1998 I boared a train heading to Chicago. My plans were to meet my mother and then go and visit my grandmother and tell her that every thing was gonna be ok. I left Hammond at 3:20 that afternoon. I was actually looking forward to the trip. 17 hours of total isolation. I needed that. Well I had been on the train for about 4 hours when this lady asked me if I wanted to go and find the cafe car and get something to eat. I really didnt want to but I didnt really want to be rude. So we went three cars up and sat at the table. I found out that she was on her way to North Dakota to surprize her son. She had talked to his girlfriend and they had been planning it for a while now. I wanted to be happy for her. She said it had been over 10 years scince the last time she had seen him. It was amazing the glimmer in her eyes. We talked a while longer and she asked me where I was headed. I told her that my grandmother was very sick and I was going to visit her. She then took out a notebook. And begain to write. I didnt want to be nosey, but I asked her what she was doing? She said that this trip was going to be the best thing that had ever happened to her, and she wanted to write down everything so she didnt forget a single detail. That was a nice thought. Well for the remander of the trip we were close. We shared dreams and disapointments. I felt that I had found a friend. It was getting late so we both decided to sleep. Knowing that the next day held huge factors for us both. Around 6:15am I was awoken by something. I really didnt know by what, but I couldnt go back to sleep. So I went to the observation car and watched the sun come up. It was peacefull. For some reason Everything seemed so quiet and still. It was kinda earie but comforting as well. The train got to Chicago at 11:10 am. I looked out and I didnt seen anyone waiting for me. I just figured that maybe the train had ran a little early. So I grabed my stuff and headed off the train. Thats when I seen my mother standing there. I knew by the look on her face that something was terribly wrong. I had seen that look before. That same look was the look that changed my whole life. She didnt even have to tell me. I knew that grandma had past away. We stood there holding each other. It seemed like forever. I then relized that, that was the first time her and I had been that close in over 5 years. It wasnt until much later that day did I find out that my grandmother passed at 6:15 that morning. I look back now and wonder what she was trying to tell me. I guess I'll never know. But I thank her for sharing that beautiful sunrise with me that morning. Its something that I will never forget. Thanks Grandma.

Well I took Ashley to the airport today. I was right it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. We got there a few hours early cause we were not sure how much luggage and stuff she could bring. After we got all of that figured out we had time to walk around the airport for a while. We went to the bookstore and we bought her some magazines and stuff so she would have something to do while she was on the plane. After all of that we found our way down to the termanal. We had to sit there for about an hour before her plane was to begin boarding. I cant beleive how stupid I was I sat with my back to her. I couldnt look at her cause every time I did I started to cry. Well as it got closer and closer to take off time, I started to get antsy. I told her to give me a hug good-bye. And I knew as soon as I did that I would not be able to help myself. She kept telling me not to cry. I tried to tell her I couldnt help it, but nothing came out. Finally it was time for her to board. She didnt seem too sad. Maybe thats what made me even sadder. I want her to go and find herself. I know she will make many new friends there and hopefully be happy. As I waved to her one last time I remembered that and Icouldnt help but to smile. Even if it was through tears.

Well Ashley called this morning. She said her flight went well and it was everything she remembered it to be. She said that when she got to my Aunt Karrons house they said down and they started making plans for her. You know the kind where my aunt says I'm the boss blah blah blah. She said she slept pretty good for the first night. She had to fight Lucy for the bed. (thats my aunts dog). But she really didnt mind shes always wanted a dog. She also told me she got a job today. Its only temp. so she can get enough money saved up to buy her a car. Shes gonna be working at McDonalds. Yeah I know but get this her starting pay is $8.00 an hour. Tell me that aint damn good. The mananger lives right next door to them so she will have a ride everyday so she wont have to take the bus. So all in all day one is going pretty good. I'm happy for her. Shes gonna make it. (and I have a feeling that I will too) We already started making plans for Christmas. I can't wait to see her then. Its gonna be a great Christmas. But I guess a part of me still wants her to call me and tell me "I hate it here I want to come home". I told her today that all she had to do was call and I would do anything to get her back her all she had to do was let me know. That made her feel better. Maybe I'll make a trip to Denver in the next couple of months to see her. Well I will keep everyone posted. Untill then *HUGS AND SMILES*

Well I'm finally finding the time to update this thing. I don't know why I havent done it already, It's not like I have been doing anything eles. It just seems like I have been in this funk for the past week. I don't know whats wrong with me. I don't feel like doing anything or ever talking to anyone for that matter. But then again the more Im isolated them more blah I get. Well theres really nothing exciting to report. They passed a new law yesterday. It is now legal for you to ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Thats pretty cool. They had a huge rally at the state capotial yesterday. There was estimated 6000 bikes there. That was pretty cool. Its really funny to see what sort of people ride motorcycles. Theres acutally a seterotype that is all wrong. When you think of a motorcycle you think of some big hairy tattooed guy with long hair. When in all actuailty its not like that at all. There are grandmas and grandpas that ride. There are women that ride. Shit there are even kids and dogs that ride. It was really cool the other day I went with my friend to some big outdoor thing on his bike and there was like a whole family that was there and they all had matching bikes. It was the dad, the mom, the daughter (she was like 16) and the son (i think he was maybe 18). I think the reason they stood out to me so much might have been because all of there bikes were some shade of green. Hehehe, but besides that I just thought that was really cool. David asked me if I wanted to do a charity run with him next weekend. It sounds really fun. Its like $75 a bike, and you start at one place. They give you a list of 5 other places and each place you get a playing card. After you go to all 5 places you meet back at another place and you make a poker hand out of the cards that you got. Then they give out prizes and stuff while you eat free food and stuff. It sounds like alot of fun. So I told him I would go with him. I hope its sunny next weekend. Well I should get going. Sorry this babbling isnt too interesting. I promise as soon as something good happens I will fill you in. Until then *HUGS, SMILES AND ALL THE REST OF THAT SHIT*

Well nothing really has happened scicne yesterday. Just the same ole same ole. I'm in this horrible BLAH mood. I've been like this for days now and can't figure how to shake it at all. The only thing I want to do is sleep. Thats such a change for me. I went from never sleeping to sleeping all the time. I find myself sitting around waiting for it to get dark just so I can go back to bed. I've read 3 books in the past few weeks. Hell I havent read that much in the past 7 months. I just cant figure it out. I'm not happy at all.......and I cant even think of one thing that would make me happy right now. And thats really strange for me. Usually I can sit and name a million things. Well at least I've been sleeping. At least I think I have. I dont dream though. I hate dreaming. Its just another way of being dissapointed. Im not sure what is worse being dissapointed or being dissapointing. Thats a pretty close race for me. I've had alot of both in my life. There should be something between those two. A middle ground of some sort. I can't explain it but I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into this funk. Normally I would just grin and bare it, but I dont really see me getting over this too quickly. I can usually tell when I will get over something. But not this time, its really a weird feeling. So I guess untill I do I'm forced to sit here and deal with it. Myabe try to figure it out in some sort of trial and error fashion. Elemnate things untill I get it right. Now if I just knew where to start I would be doing good. Well I guess I need to I have a few chapters of this really good book left. And then maybe I'll take a nap. I really should do some laundry too. C-ya!

I'd tell you that I loved you.
If it makes everything alright.
I just want to hold you.
I've got something to prove tonight.
I'm tired of the telephone.
Can't you give me one night alone.
I'm staring at your picture.
I relize what you mean to me.
Every single moment
Burning deep in my memory
It doesnt matter what they say.
All I have to do is throw it away.
All we need is one night alone.
Just you and me.
Wont you give me one might alone.
One night alone.
Cause thats all I need.
One night alone with you loving me.
I wanna feel your heartbeat.
In the darkness next to mine.
I need to feel your heartbeat.
To know out loves still alive.
The power of your tender touch.
You know I've waited far long enough.
For just one night alone.
Thats how it should be.
All we need is one night alone.
With just you and me.
One night alone with you loving me.
Can't you give me one night one night.
This isn't the way true love should be.
This isn't the dream I wanna be living in no no no.
I'm tired of this telephone.
Just can't you give me night alone.
One night alone, just you and me.
All we need is one night alone.
Thats how it should be.
One night alone.
With you loving me.
All we need is one night one night alone.

You know what really bugs me?!?! When you buy a new magazine and then you have company and they pick it up and start reading it. Okay well maybe thats not so bad, but when they start to open the purfume samples inside and rubbing them all over them........GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I mean god that makes me mad. Cheesse potatos, mmmmmmmmmmmm thats what I just got finished eating for breakfast. If I would slow down enough maybe I could eat them for dinner instead of breakfast. I remember when I was little my dad used to want to eat breakfast for dinner.I could always tell when we were haveing 'breakfast' for dinner. It was a rule that we had to wear out PJ's. Hehehe....I remember one time my friend came and spent the night and my dad decided that it was gonna be a breakfast night. So when we came in from playing there was my dad standing in the kitchen with these crazy PJ's on and these big blue fuzzy slippers on. My friend looked at me and just busted out laughing. He asked us if we were hungry and of course when you are 11 you are always hungry. He said,"There will be no eggs served in this house untill everyone has there PJ's and slippers on". So they we were the 3 of us sitting in the kitchen when my mom came home from from work (ok so it was only 5 o'clock)And she started laughing. My told her the same thing. "No PJ's no eggs". So thats how out breakfast night started. I know kinda corney when ya think about it, but I dont care. I miss eggs for dinner.

Have you never not liked a person for some reason that was really stupid, then after you got to know them you felt really bad? I have. There is this person that I really didn't care for a few months ago. And just this persons name made my blood boil. I just didn't care if I even really knew this person or not. I didn't like them for one simple reason. Well I'm here to say how really stupid I was for feeling that way. I have reacently gotten to know this person fairly well,and I think they are awesome. We have so much in common its not even funny. We are alot alike in many ways too. I really think I could get close to this person and learn to confide in them. And I look forward to talking to them whenever we get time. I just hope that this person feels the same way about me. I mean I could understand them being weary at first, I mean they say you never get a second chance at a first impression. And I'm afraid my first impression to this person wasnt a very good one. But I think that we can put that behind us and move past that. So I'm felling pretty good, I think I have made a really good friend. And everyone knows how I feel about friendships, I dont take them lightly!!! Right On!! (not pointing my finger at you of course) =O) Well untill next time *HUGS AND SMILES*

Good lord it's been awhile scince I've updated this thing. So many things have happened. Hummmmmmm.......let see ok I guess first things first. Ashley came home Saturday!!WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I'm so happy to have her home. Things are just like old times now!! Shes getting her old job back a Brian Harris. She said shes never leaving home again. (well we will see about that in 2 years). Well another thing that has happened is that I went and enrolled in Baton Rouge School of Computers!! Yeay!!!!!!!! I had to take a placement test yesterday and I kicked ass!! I was so proud of myself. The only thing that threw me was that I scored really high on the math part and kinda low on the essay. If anything I would have figured it to be the other way around. I've never been a really big mather. (is that a word?) (oh well you have to admit it sounds pretty good). I have another test to take on the 16th and then classes start on the 27th. Im gonna be getting my associates degree in computer programing. Yeah check me out!!! I'm so excited. I cant wait to do homework!! (and no theres nothing wrong with me) Well thats about it thats been going on. If anything exciting happens I'll be sure to let you know! Untill then *HUGS AND SMILES*

You are my sunshine my only sunshine, you make me happy when skys are grey. You'll never know dear how much I love you. So please dont take my sunshine away.=) I love that song. Every time I hear it I smile. And you can usually put money on the fact that if I'm singing it I'm in a really great mood. I have been really happy these past few weeks. I think I finally got my plan together. And I found out where to start. It's amazing how just that little bit of info can change you're whole life. I finally feel that things are starting to go my way. "I fall asleep every night with a smile on my face, cause every night I make it through it one night I'm closer to being in your arms" 11am good for you?!?!?! ;-)

Well shit it's been so long scince I have updated this thing I'm not sure I remember how. Well where in the hell should I start. (its been almost a month, did you think there wouldnt be a great reason why?!?!?)Well lets see. I had a occurance at my place about 2 weeks ago. Looser desided to help hisself to everything and anything he could get his hands on. And then left me a nice message on my mirror with balck permeant marker. "BITCH". Wasnt that just nice of him. Then he crashed my hard drive....still not sure how the bastard did that. Oh yeah then there was the phone lines, he cut them all. So I have been waiting patiently for the lazy phone company to get out to my house and re-run all the lines. So thats that. I should (well at least thats what they said) be up and running again by Thursday. Other than that I sont think too much has been going on. Oh on more thing he totally screwed up for me was I missed the final test to get into school. So now I have to wait another 2 weeks to take it and then wait another 2 weeks for the classes to merge. So that sucks too. Oh well I have waited this long a few more weeks wont kill me. Ummmmmm........I went to New Orleans Thursday night with my friend. We had a pretty good time. We didnt do the bar scene or anything just went down there and ate dinner then went back to the room and watch some movies. It was good to get away. We went shopping the next day, and yous (my new word for yall) would be proud I didnt buy any shoes!!! YEAY!!! I did get a new shirt to wear under my blue jean shirt. Its rayon and sleavless. Ummmmm......oh yeah and a new bracelet too. Its black and has these little silver thingys on it. I think its pretty. So thats what I have been up too. Its gonna be a little while longer on that smiley page. I lost everything when my hard drive crashed, hell I had to even get a new ICQ number and IM name. (I'm horrible with passwords although I swear I use the same one all the time) So if anyones looking for me and cant find me my new number is 49802161 and my IM name is now angelextreme. Untill next time *HUGS AND SMILES*

Well I'm back finally. Everything seems to be working again. Witch is a welcome surprize, If I would have had to spend one more day at my mothers house I would have went insane. Well a few interesting things have happened these last couple of days. Ashley meet a guy. YEAY! And hes really nice. She talks about him all the time. About how sweet he is and how he tells her he really likes her and everything. I finally got to meet him last night. Hes really cute. It was so sweet cause the whole time they were here he held her hand. You should have seen her face, she was glowing. She hasent been this happy for a long time. After they left I just sat and cried. (Hey I cried after I seen her senior pictures what makes you think I wouldnt when she finally found someone that makes her happy) I just think its really sweet. It gives me hope. You never know I might be next. Well thats about all there is for now. The weather is finally changing and I love it. It makes you want to be outside, the nights are the best though. Everything is so clear, and the air is so crisp. Perfect for laying out and trying to find your place. Its truely amazing how the night air opens up all sorts of thought patterns. I think I have talked myself into that. YEAY! I have a date tonight. A date with Mr.Moon and a few 10000 of his closest friends. So untill next time. *HUGS AND SMILES*

"I want to know how forever feels." That songs seems to say it all. Its funny how we take things out of text to make them fit whatever we are thinking. I seem to do that alot. I'm not sure weather its a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it's just a me thing. Well I think I'm at a point in my life right now where nothing is good enough for me. I think everyone goes through this once or twice. Its not like you fell like you are better than anyone, its just that you are just tired of settleing. I'm not sure what I want or even what I need, but I do know its something that I don't have right now. And I'm not even really sure how to go about getting it. I have this strong feeling of restlessness that I can't seem to shake. I kinda feel like what I want is just out of my reach and no matter how hard I seem to stretch, I just can seem to grasp it. At first I thought it was school that I wanted, but now that I'm getting closer and closer to that I'm not sure anymore. If someone would have told me 10 years ago I would be sitting here and having all of these doubts about myself I would have laughed right in there face. It just seems like things get more and more difficult with time. And here I thought it was supposed to be the other way around. But then again this is me we are talking about, things never work out as planned with me. I think I can pretty much count on one hand things that have came my way and that I made the best of them, that I can be very proud of. I know those things should cancell out the rest but they don't. So I guess untill those things contine to grow with time, I'll just take 'em and be gratefull for them. But I'm never gonna stop reaching for those other things. We all are supposed to grow with time. You don't learn everything there is to know about yourself overnight. I guess thats whats so hard for me. I like knowing what to expect, what to look forward to, and what just to give up on. But no matter how hard I try I still can't figure that out. Well I guess I should quit for now. I know if given the time I could sit here and go on and on. So I'll just stop for now. Later

Guess who?!?! Wow you can tell its been a long time scince Ive done this, I just spent 20 minutes trying to remember my password! YIKES! Well here it is the the Eve of all New Years Eves. Kinda weird when you think about it. In less than 25 hours it will be the year 2000. I was watching the news tonight and seeing how everyone all over the world was preparing for this. That was the really creepy part. Some people acutally think that the world is just gonna STOP! Thats just insane. Me personally, I havent really given it much thought. I dont have any plans for New Years Eve this year, but thats mostly to do with all of the crazy ass people that are gonna be out and about. I would love to be in the middle of Times Square, but thats not gonna happen so looks like the couch and the remote for me. But thats cool, if some Y2K thing does happen Ill be nice and safe. Well I know you all are waiting for the dirt. The reason I havent updated in like 4 months. Well Im not sure there is any dirt. I got a new job and I have been working ALOT. Im talking 115 hours or more a week. I know not healthy but thats me. Other than that nothings really new. I had a good Christmas. With the minor factor of haveing one hell of a case of the flu. Im finally getting over that. Theres still nothing really happening in the love department. I think Im pretty much over that for a while. Dont get me wrong, Im not putting it totally out of the picture but I guess Im just gonna stop chasing the elusive perfect realationship. I dont beleive that is a reality. Not just for me, but for anyone. I have decided to make that one of my New Years Resoultions. To stop trying to make things happen and just let them happen. If they do great. And if they dont oh well no big deal. Things have kinda mellowed out for me I think. I really try not to think about things like I used too. Ive come to the conclusion that Im me and nothing that me or anyone else could do to change that. So either take me or leave me. And thats just pretty much how it is. Well I think Im gonna head out for now. Maybe Ill start this back up. Then again maybe not. I guess only time will tell. C-ya.

Well here I am the second time in less than a week. I guess I forgot how good it really felt to get things out. Things are kinda moving slow for me, like in slow motion. I feel myself aniously awaiting something, anything. Ive slacked up alot at work. The holidays are over so we are not that busy anymore. I think thats a good thing cause I really wanst cocntrating (sp?) anyway. Mind mind seems to wonder alot more than it used to. I think about all sorts of things. Mainly about myself and where Im going. Thats seems like such a mystery any more. Ive actaully gotten some of my socail life back. And now that thats happened Im remined how much I DIDNT miss it in the first place. I felt like a year ago I was a different person. I feel like Ive changed so much. Im not really sure if thats a good thing or not. For the most part I feel better about myself. I dont feel like Im under as much pressure to be something that Im not anymore, and I know thats a good thing. And another good thing I think is that I dont count on anything to be soild anymore. I had a really bad problem with that. I had myself beliving that just because I wanted something extremly bad enough that it was automaticly the right thing. That I know is not true. It sounds good though. I find myself enjoying little things again. Like reading. That has always been my first love. I can loose myself in a good book. It doesnt nessiarly have to be a book even, I just like reading in general. Magazines, books, backs of shampoo bottles. (Yes I have been known to do that at least once before). The only thing Ive stopped doing that I really liked was writing. I used to just lay in bed and things would just flow. I used to fill notebooks with my thoughts. And after I did it aways felt so good. Like I had just done something powerfull. I havent been able to do that in a very long time. Something just seeemed to be blocking that part of me. Its still there but I can tell Im slowly chipping that away. Ive decided that the only way Im going to be truly happy is to be true to myself. To stop hanging on wild dreams and crazy desires. Dont get me wrong theres nothing wrong with dreams and desires is just that you have to know when those things are just thats dreams and desires. And as crazy as they may be, that is not going to make you or break you. You cant live on those things alone. There has to be more to you than that. =O)

Ive come to the conclusion that some people were just made to be the way they are. And no matter how much you or they themselves try they cannot or will not be changed. Theres always gonna be that one thing that you cant overcome. For some people its perfection. They have to have every single thing they do perfect. And its almost obsessive how hard they try. And its not even noticable to them. If you were to bring it to there attention they would think you were being petty. And that goes for maybe some one that bites there nails or something. They dont even know they are doing it. Its just habit. And then there are people like me. I have a strange way of pushing people away from me. I have to strong urge to have to be able to do things on my own. I very rarely ask for help with anything. I think that shows signs of weakness. Im not a weak person, therefor I should be able to do whatever it is Im trying to do on my own. And there has been times where I succeded and them times I have failed misiarably. Either way to me it felt like I won. I might not have overcome whatever it was I was trying to but I didnt ask for help and I didnt give up. And normally that makes up for failing. Its kinda frightning when I sit and think about myself. I feel like I have so much to offer the right person. I have so much passion inside of me, that sometimes its hard to hold it in. I want to share that with someone. I want to make someone smile. I want it to be real. Its hard for me to be able to accept that the reason I dont have those things are my own fault. That only if I could change I could have some if not all of those things. But the thing is I want someone to want me for who and what I am. To be able to take the good things with the bad. To understand how harheaded I can be. To be able to pick up on my mood and enhance it. And to let me love like I want to. I really dont think thats too much to ask for. But then again Im the one thats alone!! C-ya around.

I still remember the night we met
You said you loved my smile
But your love for me was like a summer breeze
Oh, it lasted for a while
I could hold on a little tighter I know
But when you love someone you gotta let 'em go so
I'm gonna smile, cause I want to make you happy
Laugh, so you can't see me cry
I'm gonna let you go in style
And even if it kills me
I'm gonna smile
Kiss me once for the good times, baby
Kiss me twice for goodbye
You can't help how you don't feel
And it doesn't matter why
Give me a chance to bow out gracefully
'Cause that's how I want you to remember me
I'm gonna smile, cause I want to make you happy
Laugh, so you can't see me cry
I'm gonna let you go in style
And even if it kills me
I'm gonna smile
I'm gonna smile so you can find the courage
Laugh, so you won't see me hurtin'
I'm gonna let you go in style
And even if it kills me
I'm gonna smile

Well what an eventfull weekend. I decided I was going to get out of this house and try to have some fun. Well Friday night I went out to eat dinner with my friend David. We went to a really nice Chinesse place. It was a mangolina B-B-Q or something like that. Then we went and seen a movie. We went and seen Bicentenial Man. It was really cute. Then we just rode around for a while. That was the best part just driving around and just being for a while. Hes really a nice guy, I like him because he never asks too much of me. After we rode around for about an hour we went back to my place and watched TV for a while. And of course I fell asleep. When I woke up I found a note saying he had fun and that I looked like I was sleeping to good for him to wake me up to tell me he was leaving. I thought that was really sweet. Saturday Ashley called and asked if I wanted to go to Triple A with her and Kerry. They were going to see Erotic Hipnotic. I said sure it sounds like fun to me. I decied to take my car just incase I wanted to leave before them. Well on the way to eat I almost got in a wreck!!! It had just started to rain so the roads were really slippery. I guess there was an accident and the people in front of me were stopped. I slammed on my brakes so I wouldnt hit them, well when I looked up to look in the rear view mirror I saw Kerry and Ashley plowing towards me so I punched the gas and almost ended up hitting the car in front of me anyways! Ugggggggg.......It was horrible. So we got the the resturant and had a nice dinner. We went to this pasta bar Semolinas. I had the Greek pasta. YUMMY!! Then afterwards we went ahead to the club. We had about 3 hours to kill before the show started. Ashley and Kerry ended up fighting most of the night. Shes got alot to learn about relationships. She already takes him for granted sometimes. But who am I to judge her right? The show ened up ending up being pretty funny. Im glad I didnt volentere. Those people made asses out of themselves. I had been talking and dancing with this guy all night before the show. Then when he went up there I was so embarrased. I hid from him the rest of the night. =O) How sad is that?!?! Oh well it was fun. I finally got my desk put together. I didnt know I was going to have to have a degree in Carpentry to do it though. Its really nice. Its alot bigger than it looked in the store. Well thats all for now. I need to get my ass in bed. I have to be up and to work in less than 3 hours. Im gonna be VERY grouchy! C-ya!

Ugggggg.......I hate self pity. It doesnt look good on me. But yet here I sit crying my stupid eyes out. Im not even sure why. I have all these feelings inside of me. I want to let them out. But I cant. "God makes everything but unbreakable hearts" I have some many things that I want to say. But I cant. I want so badly for things to not have an effect on me. But I cant. I have never felt this powerless before. I have never not been able to talk myself out of something. I have never wanted something so bad as I do right now. I cant breath, I feel like my heart is being torn from my chest. And theres nothing I can do about it. Im not sure what hurts more. Feeling it, or not being able to do anything about it. I have tried so hard to get past this. But I cant. Everyday I wake up wanting not to feel the way I do. Everynight I go to bed hoping that the next day will be easier. When does it ever get easy? Why wont it stop? If I ever wanted things normal its now. I want to wake up tomarrow and find everything in place. The right place. The place I dream about. But I know thats not going to happen. Its always just out of my reach. And I really dont have anyone to blame but myself. I have never felt the things Im feeling right now. Im scared for me. I dont know whats next. I dont know if I can even handle whats next. I just want it to stop. But how can you just stop careing for someone? Stop wanting them? Stop the longing you feel when you think of them? I have tried so hard. It is so unbearable. Im just at a total lose here. I give up.

My goodness.....I havent done this in so long Im not sure if I even remember how. Well as you can see Im still alive!!! So much shit was going on that I just coupldnt kee up with it without feeling like I was beating a dead horse to death. (where exactly did that saying come from? Thats so stupid!!) Well alot of things have changed in the past months. Ive gained, Ive lost, I found, Ive lost again, Ive remembered, and Ive forgotten. Im trying to think back and the only thing Ive learned is that you cant have everything you want. Plain and simple. Which kinda sucks if you really think about it. But then again thats life so theres no reason to harp on it. Just get the fuck over it and move on.I think my life has finally hit that platue Ive been waiting for. Nothing to look forward to and absoulutly nothing to look back at. Ive waited for this for a very long time. Im glad to finally get over that feeling of dread. It feels good to be able to breath again. Im only missing a few things from that time. I really miss the way my mind could roam freely and I could sit and write for hours. I mean its taken me probably an hour to write what little I have now, and before I could just sit and close my eyes and my words would just fill the screen. Maybe Ive run out of things to say? I dont really think thats it. I think the main thing is that I dont trust myself to let my mind roam. Ive never really had good luck with that. It always seems to go to the same place. That place just isnt the same anymore. Its like an old boarded up building. You know what Im talking about. Like when you go back to a place from your past and you find out its been closed. They stop taking care of it, the windows are usually all boarded up. You can see cobwebs in the corrners. Its really dark and very unfamiliar. And it kinda pisses you off beacuse you used to be so comfortable there. You never felt unsafe or not wanted. A part of you is upset but another part of you, the part that you try to ignore like crazy says that its probably a good thing. Because all you did there was cause alot of trouble. And even though you liked being there that when ever you brought people there, the really didnt like it. Its funny how your own comfort zones can be someone else very UN comfort zones. Some people like getting a glimps of it but it scares the shit out of the rest.They think that it may rub off of them or something. When I really think what it is is that they are just frightened to know that people like that really exsist. And it scares them because they can keep that so hidden and that they seem normal. It makes them think that everyone else they come in contact with is the same way. And it makes them feel inferior (or how ever you spell it). Like they are flawed in some way from not being able to pick up on it from the begining. So you decided not to go back for a while. You think about your image, what people think of you and you decided to play it safe for a while. You know at least TRY and act like your normal for a while.When you know that you will NEVER be able to pull that one off. Because lets face it Im the furthest from normal as they come! And thats not nessiarly a bad thing......just not the right thing for the moment.