KRISTINA'S STORY

Hello my name is Kristina and I am going to try to bring you into a world that I lived in for so many years. It was a world of torment and of fear. It
was a world of hate and frustration. But it was my world and the only one I
knew until someone cared enough to pull me out of that world. I want to share
this world with you in hopes it will not only touch the lives of others in
helping them to understand this world but to help you see how important it is
to reach out and help pull someone out of a world of torment.
I lived in a small town out on a farm were the closest neighbor lived
miles away. There were no one to hear the cries and no one to run to. There
were buildings to hide in and there were fields to run to but there was not a
place to be safe. Since we lived on a small farm we had animals. How I loved
them because they did not care what I looked like and did not care that I was
stupid and dumb or retarded all those bad things my mother rang in my ears.
To them I was just a fair skinned blue eyed blond little girl. I feed them
and kissed them and loved them. They loved me back but even this love had to
be guarded for the first sign to my mother that I had found someone to love
they were sold or taken away from me.
In my earlier years I had one person in my life that showed me such
love and kindness. He would tell me how pretty I was and he would take me on
walks. He taught me how to fish, tell time, count money and he taught me what
love really was. I did not get to have him with me for long because he was
taken from me when I was 8 years old. On that day I not only lost my
Grandfather but I lost something I did not even know I had to give.
I was dressed in a really pretty new dress and could not wait for my Grandpa
to see it because I just knew he would love it. I knew I was going to get to
see him because we were going to his house I just did not understand what we
were doing. We did not see grandpa at his house we had to get in a car and go
see him. We went to this really scary place were there were people crying
everyplace. I looked at them and could not understand what was going on. We
went into a dark room with lots of pretty flowers everyplace. I kept looking
for my Grandpa because I was told we were going to see him. I could not find
him anyplace. I saw this big thing in the front with flowers all around it
and since I was so short I did not see what was inside but everyone was
looking in it. I wanted to see so I tugged at my Daddy's sleeve and asked to
see. He lifted me so I could see and there was my Grandpa. He was sleeping.
Daddy said to be very quiet so there I sat not saying a ward waiting for my
grandpa to wake up so he could see me in my pretty new dress. An uncle came
over to ask my daddy if he wanted him to take me back to my grandpa's house
since he was taking some of the other kids back. I kept seeing others crying
and so I asked my Daddy why they were crying and he said because Grandpa is
dead. I said but Daddy he is only asleep. He will wake up and that is when
Daddy said I would never see my grandpa again. I understood that because my
Mommy had said that before to me about the pets she took from me and I had
never seen them again. So up I jumped and ran towards my grandpa Screaming
wake up Wake up Grandpa, Dodging the hands that were reaching out to grab me I
made it to his bedside only to find him cold and stiff. While screaming I was
dragged out of there knowing I was never going to get to see my grandpa again.
I thought it was because I had been bad that my grandpa was taken from me. I
did not know much about God yet but I knew there was a God because when I was
bad my mommy would tell me I had better ask him to forgive me. I Begged God
to forgive me and to please give me my Grandpa back but I never did get to see
him again. That night as I sat in my Grandpa's chair crying and holding
myself an uncle sat watching me. As I looked up from my tears he smiled at me
and asked if I would like to sit upon his lap. Needing comfort I slid from
Grandpa's chair and went to his lap. He told me the things I had longed to
hear for so long such as I was pretty, sweet, and Loved. Feeling a little
better now I swallowed all he had said and clung to my uncle with all I had.
It came time for the others to come back and I knew I would have to see my
mommy again. But my uncle asked if I would like to come to his house that
night. Ohhhhh I was so excited at the thought of a night away from home. He
would hug me and tell me I was pretty and sweet. He said he would ask my aunt
and my parents about it when they got back and then sent me off to play.
Gladly I went thinking I was going to have a very special night. It was all
arranged I would be going home with my Aunt and uncle. It was based on
promises that I would put my hair in rollers and that I would be to bed early.
When we got to there home my Aunt brought out the rollers for me to put my
hair up in and since I could sit on my hair it was a real hard job for me
since I was only 8 years old. As I sat brushing the tangles from my hair my
Aunt went in to take a long soak in the tub. She was going to have a baby so
she was getting sore from all the standing she said. I was sitting on the
floor brushing my hair wishing my Aunt would have offered to help me with it
when my Uncle asked if I wanted help brushing my hair. I smiled and took up
all the things in front of me to set in front of my uncle. He took the brush
from my hand and started brushing my hair so slowly. I was really enjoying it
because I loved to have my hair brushed. He asked me to promise not to tell
anyone and so I promised. After all I did not want my mommy to know my uncle
was doing what she had told me to do but that was not what he wanted me to
promise not to tell. He leaned over and kissed me real funny. It made my
tummy feel sick inside. I got real scared and all of a sudden wished I was
home. He then said you promised not to tell remember and if you do they will
not believe you anyway. I really did not understand what had just happened
but was so very glad when he handed me my brush and told me I better get back
over to the floor and roll my hair. Not long after that my Aunt came from the
bathroom only long enough to say good night and off to bed she went. The room
I was to sleep in was off of the living room and her bedroom was down the long
hall. I could hear her music going from the living room. It was time for me
to get to bed as well so in the dark room I could hear my uncle was still up
watching TV. I tried to stay awake. I did not want to go to sleep until I
knew he had gone to bed. My eyes were getting so heavy I was having such a
hard time keeping them open. I must have started to fall asleep because I
opened my eyes to see my uncles hand coming to my mouth and I could not scream
or say anything. I did not know what he was doing to me but it really hurt
and I cried so hard. When he got done he told me I promised not to tell and
If I do tell they would lock me up in the bad girls school and not believe me.
I believed what he said because my mommy always told me she was going to have
me locked up and she even took me to a place she called a bad girls home. It
had bars on all the windows and there were wire fences all around it. I did
not want to go there so I swore I would not tell. That night I cried so hard
into my pillow and when I got up to go potty in the middle of the night my
panties were all red with blood. I was so afraid someone would find out I
washed them out in the sink and put them back on wet. The next day I had to
see my mommy and daddy and I was so afraid that they would find out and I
would be put in that home for bad girls so I tried real hard not to look at
anyone in the eyes. I stayed away from every one because now there was a
really bad smell coming to my nose. I tried to wash it away but it would not
go away. I felt so scared and alone and Yukky. That was the day we put my
Grandpa in the ground and I knew I was never going to get to see him again.
The life I once had with my Grandpa was now gone and with it went my hopes,
dreams and my innocence. As time went on my nights were filled with torment
over what had happened at my uncles house and the fear that someone would find
out what I had done. I just knew it was because of me that Grandpa was taken
away and now I was going to loss my Dog. She was retarded and my mommy told
me if she could not learn obedience enough to take care of herself then she
was going to be put to sleep. That meant I would never get to see her again.
I did not want her to go away so I was trying to hard to be good and to teach
her everything she was supposed to know. She would not learn and I was
getting really mad at her. I was calling her names and yelling at her and I
was going to hit my doggie. I looked at my little doggies eyes and I saw how
sad she was. She was sad like I get sad when my mommy does that to me so I
started to cry and I was holding her in my arms. She was kissing my tears off
of my face as I talked to God. I made a deal with God that if he would teach
my Doggie I would tell my secret. I did not believe I would have to tell my
secret but somehow I hoped that God would help my doggie so I would have to
keep my end of the deal. I was afraid of telling it but I just knew I did not
want to keep having to go and see my uncle anymore each time having to keep
that same secret. That night my little Doggie did everything she was told to
do. She was doing even things I had not even tough her yet. I could not
believe what she was doing. I got scared and took her right to her kennel and
put her away. That night we took her to obedience class and the teacher told
my mommy we had to have brought the wrong dog. This was not the dog we had
been bring. We tested her on everything and she passed it all. She was the
best dog there. I was so proud of my little doggie but now I was afraid for
me. I was afraid that God would take her from me if I did not keep my promise
to tell my mommy about my secret. That night I told my Mommy and She did tell
me it was my fault and she did yell at me and she told me I was dirty and ugly
and that no one was going to want me now but some place inside I was happy. I
felt something I had never felt before. I had a friend and his name was God.
My mommy hit me that night but I could not even feel it. The good thing about
it was I did not have to ever go to my uncles house again but I did not get to
go to anyone's house again. I was not allowed to play with any of my
cosine's. When we went to peoples homes I had to sit with the adults and was
not allowed to play. My mommy said it was because I could not be trusted
because of my lies. I did not know what lies she was talking about but I knew
I must have told them for her to say I did. I spent a lot of time talking to
God in those days. I did not talk to him out loud a lot for fear my mommy
would hear me so I talked to him in my head a lot.
I had to go to school in an old country school for a while. We had three
grades in one room and one teacher for all three grades. My sister was a year
behind me and as my mother loved my sister so did my teacher. My teacher
hated me and she told my mother that I was not going to learn a thing in her
class she should just take me home. I spent most of my time at school in the
dark coat closet with the door locked shut. My teacher said I was a bad girl
because I cried a lot and she was tired of hearing it. I did cry a lot
because the other kids made fun of me but she would not stop them from making
fun of me. They would pull my hair and they would push me down. The teacher
called me names and only made fun of me to. I guess I was as dumb and bad as
everyone was saying I was that is why I wished I were dead all the time. I
did not want to be around anymore since I was so bad. One day on the way home
from School my mommy was so agree at me and told me how bad I was. I Knew I
was going to get another betting when I got home and was so afraid. I wish I
could be good I was thinking I really wish I could be good. When out from my
mouth came the wards I wish I were dead. My mommy said OHHH I can grant that
for you get out she said. I looked at her because I did not know if she
really meant it the car was still moving. Yup she meant it so I opened the
door and jumped out of the door. Then she was yelling get in front of the car
get in front of the car. I was hurt and by the time I got up off the ground
my mommy was gone. I walked all the way home knowing I was really bad this
time. I was really going to get it this time. When I walked in the house my
mommy was still very mad at me and she garbed me by my hair and started
Throwing me around. She made me go and change my cloths and clean up before
my Daddy got home and told me I had better not tell him what had happen
because he would be really mad too. Ohh I did not want my Daddy mad because
he still loved me and I did not want to loss him to. So Off I went to clean
up. I really liked it when my Daddy was home he was so nice to me. He did
not care that I was a bad girl he still called me his girl. He loved my
sister more but he still loved me to. I was his big girl and my sister was
his little buddy. Some were along the way though even my Daddy stopped loving
me and he started making fun of me. He called me names and he would not take
me places with him. He stopped telling me I was doing good and only told me
how bad I was after my mommy told him about how I did things I did not even
remember doing. I did not remember falling all the time I was told I feel and
I did not remember burning myself on the iron and I did not remember playing
with the matches. But my Mommy said I did so I must have.
There came a day when at our school things were coming to a close. I am 10
years old now and we are now going to be getting bused into town to go to
school. This old country school is being closed down. I was told that the
principle in this school would not lock me in a closet but he had a hard
paddle with holes in it and he would spank me with it when I was bad. Ohhhhh
I did not want to be spanked with a paddle so I tried to be as good as I could
be. I was very quiet and did not speak in class. I pretended to be writing
when we were supposed to be writing even though I did not know how. I
pretended to be doing what I was supposed to be doing because I did not even
know how to read. One day my teacher came to my desk and asked me what was
wrong with me Why was I not doing my work? I looked at her and said I am
retarded. I thought she knew that already. She said are you getting smart
with me young lady? Now I am very scared because I did not want to be sent to
the principle for a spanking. I said No I am retarded and started to cry but
I knew if I cried I would be in more trouble so I tried to hold it in. She
got all red in the face and said to the principle's office now. I slowly
walked to the office trying to figure out what I had done wrong. What did I
do that made her so mad at me? I answered her question, she asked me what was
wrong and I told her. So I opened the door and slowly slipped in as I stood
there waiting to be told to bend over. Twisting my shaking hands one with
another I waited. My tummy was now up in my throat and I just knew I was
going to loss it right there when he finally spoke to me. What are you doing
here? I said my teacher sent me. He asked for my name and I told him. He
asked what room I was from and I told him. He then had me take a set in the
next room. I sat there still trying to think of what I had done. When the
teacher came in with the principle. As I looked up into there faces I did not
see the same look I had come to know from others. It was a look I had never
seen before, She came over and took my hand from the other one I was twisting
and she said now Kristina tell me why you think you are retarded. I said
because my Mommy and my Teacher told me I was. We talked for a while and then
I saw something that really scared me my new teacher had tears coming out of
her eyes. Ohhhh now I really did it, I made my teacher cry. It came to be
lunch time and they told me I could go and have lunch now. I was so confused.
I said I am not going to get hit? They both looked at me with such a look and
said of course not. I said I was bad and you are not going to hit me? My
teacher took me in her arms and hugged me. It felt good but it also scared me
and I did not really know if I liked it or not after all the last time I
hugged anyone it caused me lots of hurt. It was not long after that I was
placed in a new class away from the teacher that I made cry. I knew it was
because I had made her cry that I lost my new teacher. That was when I just
knew I would never be able to be good. It was a class with kids that were
like me. Retarded and kids that were hard to manage. I had a new teacher
that tried to teach me but by this time I saw these kids being bad and not
getting hit so I started doing like them. I through temper tantrums and I
slobbered on myself and I started wetting my pants again. I thought I was
supposed to act like that so that is how I acted. My teacher always held onto
me and told me she loved me even when I was screaming and fighting her to get
away she would rock me and say I love you Kristina I love you. The more I
heard those wards the more I fought. I knew what those wards meant! PAIN!!!
I did not want anything to do with it. I wanted to be left alone. I did not
want this Love thing. In time she did break through and she was able to help
me learn. She took me through from kindergarten level all the way up to high
school. I was able to graduate with my class in A regular classes. When I
got my diploma my Teacher was there and she was smiling at me. As I was
leaving there she said I love you Kristina and this time I liked hearing it.
All through these years I never let go of my Love for my friend God. He
always stayed close to me and I would ask him to say hello to my Grandpa for
me at times. After leaving home it was a different and strange world for me.
I had lived in such a controlled world that I could not function on my own. I
had not one friend and no real knowledge of how to make one. I spent all my
time at work and hidden in my dark apartment. I became so depressed and
scared that thoughts of ending it played a big part of my daily thinking. I
did meet and make a friend. She taught me so much and we did everything
together. Even her family liked me. I was so afraid I was going to wake up
and it was all going to be a dream. One time while we were out I meet a boy
that was going to be my first boyfriend and he was going to be the one to
break my heart to the point of trying to take my own life. Things had gotten
so bad with my mother that I was not allowed to be near them. My mother told
everyone around town I was a slut and that I was drinking every night. I had
not even had a boy friend let alone do what she was saying I was doing so I
just went on my own way and stayed away from were the stories were being told.
I worked hard to make my own way and in doing so the past just would not leave
me. I found it hard to sleep at night and my depression would get so deep I
would cry to sleep at night only wishing I would not wake up. The only two
things that seemed to bring me some happiness was my new boyfriend and my new
best friend. But even after they left I was again so lonely and scared. The
past would always be right there to haunt me and keep my dreams from coming.
I had dated my boy friend for 2 years when I found him in bed with my
roommate. This driving me to a point of not coping I took a full prescription
of Volume and drank down two bottles of Mad Dog 20/20. I should have died
that night. I was passed out in the hall when my roommate and her friends
dragged me to my room leaving me till morning. That morning when they could
not get me up they did call for help. It was really to late to pump my tummy
but they did anyway. I was given some meds in an IV along with staying in a
unit to get help with my depression. It was a long hard road to getting
better and took a lot of special people along the way to help me to get were I
am today. I look back at that day I tried to take my own life and I see what
I would have lost out on if I had. I would have left this world not really
knowing love and I would have never known motherhood, Grandmother hood and the
thrill of a real true family. I would have missed out on knowing I am not a
bad girl but I am A child of God and I am loved. This is not the end of my
story on how I got to were I am today I went through a gang rape and two bad
marriages. One of which I was beat on a regular bases. But through it all I
thank the Lord for always being there for me and for sending me an Angel in my
days when I really needed a hand up. God still is my best friend and I love
to talk to him. But he has sent me some very special people one of which has
been a big big support and help to me. She is the sister I always wanted, the
kindred spirit I longed for she is my heaven given sister. She sees the good
in me and she brings it out of me. She brushes my hair and does not make it
nasty or bad. She holds my hand and tells me I am loved. So please lets all
be sisters and brothers to the sick, the hurting, the sad, and the Children
that need to know they are not bad. They are children who do not deserve to
be hit and hurt. They are Children of God. And for you that are thinking
about ending your life. Please know right now it seems like there is nothing
left to live for but you just do not know what is ahead. You do not know what
you are going to be missing after the storm is all over. Keep holding on to
the Lord and he will get you through it.
Thank you all for stepping into my world for a little while. Thank you for
looking through the eyes of a little girl that was so hurt and lost. Please
take this little girl home with you and help her to help others by hearing the
cries of other children that might need your help. Look in here tinny little
eyes and see what you can see for that is were you are going to see there
little souls.
God Bless you all and Peace be with you Love The Spunkster
:o)