DISCLAIMER: I don't own them. Joss Whedon and co does.
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I remember the first time that you told me how you really felt about me. The night that made my eternal life complete and made me really feel like a man again. You sat with me in the park, perched precariously on the bench beside me, your red hair shining in the soft moonlight that came through the branches of the trees above us.
It was love at first bite . . . sorry, I was trying to make a joke I really was. I never bit you, as often as I threatened to do it I never could. And then that night that changed my life. The night the Initiative put that bloody chip in my brain and made me a kitten. Horrible as it was for that time until I got used to it, it changed my life in the best way.
I loved you in more ways than you'll ever know and maybe in more ways than I'll ever understand. It was so nice at first, although I knew Buffy hated it, we both knew, it was such a great feeling that I got every time I was with you.
But I was used to being with other creatures like myself, night creatures, creatures that never got older. I had been with Drusilla for centuries and she never changed even a little. Well, maybe that's unfair, she did get a little more insane every year but physically, she stayed the same. After a few years I began to see the signs of aging in you. It didn't bother me at first, I really loved you but then I realized that you'd grow old and you'd die and I'd be left behind to mend yet another bloody broken heart.
I didn't want that pain but when you asked if I'd always stay with you, I promised. And I am not one to break a promise . . . all right, who am I kidding? I'd break any promise in an instant if it was to my benefit but not my promises to you. No, I loved you far too much to break any of those vows I made. You were right to refuse my marriage proposal, I understand that now, you didn't want to get hurt either. I still sometimes wish you had said yes, even if we lived in perfect happiness until the day it all ended.
I didn't plan it this way, I swear. It all happened like a bloody romance novel. One day we were kissing, the next dating and the day after that there were serious commitments. Commitments I was never sure I wanted. But when you said those three words 'I love you', I was hooked. I knew I loved you from the moment you said those words.
So when you got older and sicker I got really scared. I mean, that had never happened before, not to me. I was a vampire in love with a human and I didn't expect the turn everything took.
Buffy had died years earlier, died before her time. I hate to admit it, but you were her best friend. I can tell you that I actually missed the slayer from time to time. Too many vampires on one patrol, the patrol I chose not to go on with her because you were in the hospital recuperating from your cancer surgery.
Giles passed away soon after her and I really missed him too. I know you were heartbroken after these two deaths and the only thing I could say to make you feel better was that I would never die on you. Every time I said it I received a little smile from you, it wasn't good enough to make me really happy but it was enough to satisfy me for a short while.
You lived almost twelve years in remission from the cancer. Then it came back again and I had known. I don't know why but I could sense it coming back in you, some repercussion of being a vampire I suppose. But when I realized that you would be getting sick again soon, I pretended I didn't feel it, I wanted to believe that if I didn't acknowledge it that it would go away. I was so bloody wrong.
Maybe if I had told you sooner that you were going to get sick again you could have been able to go to the doctor and prevent your death. But I didn't, I pretended it wasn't there and hoped so badly that it would go away. I am so sorry, I never knew the cost of my ignorance would be your life. If I had known, I would have told you in an instant.
So instead I watched you slowly deteriorate before my eyes. You were admitted to the hospital about a month before you died and there was where you spent all that time. It felt so familiar being there like the last time you had been admitted. Except this time you didn't get better like the time before. Instead you got worse and worse. It was hard to see you get so skinny and to waste away like you did. You got so older in so little time, your skin was so tight and almost translucent. You had huge black bags under your eyes and you could see the veins throughout your body.
Some days it was so hard for me to look at you but I never once left. Every night I'd go get something to eat from the butcher then I'd return and watch you sleep. I held your hand one night only a few days before you died and it was so hard to see you that way, your hands and arm so frail, your fingers were tiny sticks, half the size of what they had once been.
The night came when you passed away in your sleep. I had been out buying my meal when it happened. They were cleaning out your room when I returned. The doctor told me what happened, offered to let me see you before they took you away but I didn't need to. I didn't want to see your body like that anymore, I wanted to remember you for what you had been.
The thought crossed my mind to turn you into a vampire, I have to admit that but I could never do that to you. I couldn't ruin you that way. So instead I politely declined and I left. I went to Buffy and Giles' graves first, told them about your passing. I felt they should be the first ones to know about what had happened. I placed the flowers that I had picked on their graves and told them as gently as I knew how. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I did tell them you were coming to be with them finally, although it was too soon. My tears blurred my view of the words on their headstones, I remember that much. But then I turned and I ran as fast as I could. I knew I had to find Xander.
He was alone in his apartment when I arrived, I entered without knocking as I had been invited in years earlier. He was curled up in the bay window he had in his bedroom, his knees drawn up to his chest and his arms wrapped around his legs. Tears glistened on his face and I knew then that he had already known. He had found out somehow.
When I asked when he told me something amazing Red, something I'm still not sure I believe. He said he felt you go, said that the minute you died, he knew. He just . . . knew. I don't know if he was telling me the truth but there was no other way for him to know, he hadn't been at the hospital with me, no one had.
Xander scheduled your funeral to be held at night so that I could attend. It was very thoughtful of him to do that, especially since we'd had our shares of fights over the years. Bloody idiot he was, but . . . he was a nice bloody idiot, I guess. The service was short, the Rabbi didn't stay for very long and he left us alone with you. Xander and I stayed the longest, I don't think your parents wanted to stay around longer than they had to and Joyce left with them, hugging both Xander and myself before she left. She really did love me and as much as it riled Buffy, she was family.
Xander watched me for a moment longer before hugging me quickly, then turning to leave. I stayed for a while longer watching your head stone, expecting it to speak to me in some way. Instead it remained just what it was, a cold chunk of stone that was supposed to symbolize your life and what you had accomplished. That angered me. How could a piece of stone tell everyone what an amazing person you had been? There was no way.
It's been three days since that night and I can't take it anymore. I think it's time that I end all this pain that I felt watching as you got older. And the reason I'm writing this letter to you is to tell you how much pain I felt. I know I was good at hiding it but I loved you with all my heart, with everything I had and it hurt. It hurt so badly, so bloody badly and I have to end it now before it hurts anymore.
This letter will remain here, addressed and stamped but unsent. It will never be sent because you're dead and as much as I want to, I'll never be able to tell you any of this. I know where vampires go and I'm not going to join you once I die.
Xander said he'd come by later today and I'm sorry he has to be the one to find this but I don't know what else to do.
I've always loved you Willow.
William
* * *
Spike asked me to come by today. To check in on him, just to see how he was doing. He seemed pretty shaken up by Willow's death and I don't blame him, I know he loved her.
I stopped by the large window in the front of their house. Then I paused and laughed, to me it would always be 'their' house, no matter how long Spike lived in it alone.
I peered through, seeing Spike sitting at a table inside. He looked pretty broken up, holding a folded piece of paper in his hands, his body shaking with the sobs I could see but couldn't hear.
I looked closer as he picked something up that lay by his side. It looked like a stick of some sort. It took a moment before I realized what it was. It was a stake, Spike was holding a sharpened stake in his hands turning it over and examining it.
"No." The word formed on my mouth before I realized what I was doing and I started for the steps. I opened the door and stepped inside then ran for the kitchen where Spike had been sitting.
All that was left was the stake, a pile of silver ash and a four page letter folded neatly on the table. The name on the front read 'Willow Rosenburg' and without picking it up I knew it was his form of a suicide note.
"No." I groaned again, staring at the ash that was now being picked up by a breeze coming through the open kitchen window. I lost them both in such a short time.
I picked up the letter and began to read it and in the first sentence I knew how hard it had been for him to watch as she got older.
The End
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