RATING: PG (Death of a main character)
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I hated funerals. It was always worse when the person in the coffin was someone that you were close to, it was much worse. She shouldn't have died, it wasn't her time. She had so much ahead of her, a life full of so many wonderful things and instead she got this. A dark wooden box six feet under the ground and a marble headstone that read, "Willow Rosenburg, 1980-2000". It wasn't supposed to end this way.
I stood under the trees near her grave as the priest read whatever he had to. I wasn't really listening to anything anymore. None of it mattered. The important things had been said at the church. I had spoken, as had Oz and Buffy and those were the only people that mattered right now. The three of us and Giles. Ignoring everyone else in the world except us was the only way any of us would ever get through. If I had to wake up from this daze tomorrow, I'd probably die.
Rain dripped slowly down the fresh leaves of the tree and splattered quietly on the shoulders of my black jacket. The priest closed his book and said something to me which I couldn't hear. I nodded anyway. He smiled sadly, like he had known Willow, like he knew what I was going through, then turned and walked away. That made me angry. He had no idea what we were all going through. He hadn't lost Willow, we had!
The sun was setting rapidly behind the trees, the moon was rising in the sky. Night was coming, it was lucky for Oz it wasn't a full moon.
I looked around at the others. Willow's parents left the site, her mother sobbing quietly and her father leading her toward the car. They didn't even stop, didn't even speak to us. I suppose it was just as well, I wouldn't have been able to hear them even if they had.
Buffy and Giles both stood across from me. Buffy wasn't crying, which didn't surprise me. She was the only one who hadn't gone into shock when Willow died. She had been with her as she drew her last breath. Her mourning was done long before we even heard about her passing. But we still couldn't bring Buffy to tell us what had happened. She wouldn't speak of it, wouldn't speak of Willow at all. It was hard tiptoeing around her like we had been, but she was fragile. Despite her lack of tears, I knew the slightest word would make her break.
Giles had tears shimmering in his eyes and his adam's apple was working quickly as he repeatedly swallowed, trying to keep the tears from coursing down his face. I had no idea how Giles could even stand, let alone cry. He hadn't slept since it had happened, nearly a week ago.
Oz was staring at me when my eyes met his. He smiled wistfully and I knew he was thinking of the good times they had, had together. I was glad he wasn't crying yet, seeing Oz cry would be the thing that may have forced Buffy over the edge.
We stood in silence for a moment, as we had been since the night four days ago. I stared at the grass on Willow's grave, the obvious line where the grass had been cut and lifted away for her to be buried underneath. I have no idea how long we stood there before she spoke.
"I didn't mean for it to happen like this." Buffy said, her voice thick with emotion. "I tried so hard to save her but she wouldn't even let me."
No one spoke, we just listened.
"It was late. I went on a patrol and Willow's practically insisted that she come along." Buffy shrugged helplessly. "I didn't think anything of it, she's come on patrols before." She shook her head. "I had no idea this patrol would be so dangerous." Buffy closed her eyes for a moment and bit her lip against the pain. When she opened her eyes once more I could see the anger and hatred flashing in her dark green eyes. "We weren't watching. He came up behind us so quickly and I swear I tried to stop him, but Adam, he just-just,"
"Skewered her." Giles said bluntly and I stared at him in shock.
But Buffy only nodded. "He put that damned spear through her chest. He left after that, as if he knew killing Willow would be the ultimate blow to me." Her face crumpled as the tears threatened to fall. "I held her on the ground for so long. God only knows why I didn't get an ambulance when I still had the chance. But instead I just sat there and I held her until I felt her last breath go out of her. She never spoke, not one word but she smiled. She looked up at me and gave me that beautiful smile and then she was gone. Everything I had ever wanted in a friend, in a family was gone before I could even react." Her tears flowed freely now. "Oh God Oz, I'm so sorry that I couldn't save her. I'm so sorry."
He didn't say anything, just stared sadly at Buffy and sighed in his pain. I knew he didn't blame the slayer, none of us could. We all blamed the Initiative.
"I have to go." Buffy said so quietly I barely heard it. She turned and began to walk away and after a moment's hesitation, Giles followed her.
Oz and I were left alone watching them leave. They walked out the cemetery gates and turned down the road. I looked at Oz and he looked at me. There was a long silence as the moon rose higher and the graveyard was thrown into darkness.
"It's gonna be okay." I said, trying to sound comforting.
He nodded, "I know."
"You regret it, don't you?" I asked.
"Leaving?" He smiled, not meaning to but doing it anyway. A smile that I knew meant he was angry with himself. "Yeah, I regret it. I came back too late Xander. We had just patched everything up. A month I'd been back, three weeks things had been better and now this." He gestured helplessly at the fresh grave and stopped speaking.
"Oz . . ." I trailed off. What would I say? What could I say? The only woman he'd ever loved was dead and I couldn't fix that, no matter how hard I tried.
He stared listlessly at the ground and I knew he was trying to hide his tears from me. Instead of speaking again I just moved over to where he stood and placed my arm around his shoulders, hoping it would offer some sort of comfort.
What he did then surprised me and is something I'll never forget. Oz turned to me, tears spilling out of his green eyes and he hugged me fiercely. My eyes widened in surprise, then realizing that all this time, despite our differences and all that had gone on, Oz had been my friend. He had always been there for me to go to whenever I needed someone, I had just never realized it.
I wrapped my other arm around him and let the much shorter man sob into my shoulder. I could feel his tears seep into the shoulder of my jacket and feeling that wetness just made it harder for me to keep my own tears back. I hugged him tighter, letting him know that I would always be there for him.
His tears moved into sobs, harsh, shuddering sobs that racked his entire body. Feeling him shake in his pain, in his raw emotion nearly killed me. I couldn't make it better no matter how much I wanted to. His breath hitched and he gasped for air, trying somehow to soothe the endless pain that he was holding onto.
I remained where I was, hugging him, letting my own tears fall and drop onto his head and shoulder. His sobs slowly calmed themselves, as I knew they would and he reluctantly let go of me.
I backed away and through my tears, managed to smile at him. His eyes were red and he sniffed incessantly but he looked a little better. Not much, but a little.
"You took care of her for me." He said. "You watched over her when I couldn't be there."
"She was my friend."
He nodded. "And I thank God that she had you. I just wish . . ." he trailed off and sighed, "I just wish I could have had the friendship with her that you had."
"You had more than that Oz. You had that and so much more."
"I never had a friend like that."
I smiled at him. "You have me."
There was a long pause before Oz looked up at me again and said, "thanks Xander." Then he took a few steps back, waved and turned and walked away.
"Anytime." I answered, even though I knew he was too far away to hear me.
I watched his back until he got inside his van and drove away then knelt at Willow's grave. In two little words he had told me everything I ever needed to know. In an unspoken moment I'd found a friend that I knew I'd never let go and someone that I knew I could count on to always be there.
It was nights like these you knew that, if nothing, you had someone. One person. And if my one person had to leave, I was glad she had the common courtesy to leave behind someone that I could love like I had loved her.
"Thanks Will." I whispered. I kissed the cool stone lightly, hoping that in some way, she could feel my last kiss, then stood up and began to walk home.
The End
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