"I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it." ~Cyrus Ching
If their wer no dum pepole smart pepole wood knot bee so smart.
"Proofread carefully to see if you any words out."
"And Jesus said unto them, 'And whom do you say that I am?' They replied, 'You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed.' And Jesus replied, 'What?'"
"I dated somebody my own age for two weeks. I was like... uh, boring! Sex is so much better when you're with somebody who isn't fumbling around." ~Tammy Lynn Michaels
"When you have to explain jokes for 5 minutes... it's not helpful." ~Janet Rumfelt
"I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would want me as a member." ~Groucho Marx
"You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." ~Dean Martin
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." ~Gloria Steinem
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer." ~Mark Twain
"I'm 20 years old. Do you really think I need more than one Tupperware container?" ~Liz
"Nah, I'm not the girl next door... but I may have slept with her." ~Liz
"I want to offically introduce you to the band. That's them." ~Ani DiFranco
"A male gyno is like an auto mechanic that never owned a car." ~Carrie Shaw
"I'm not going to vaccum until Sears makes one you can ride on." ~Roseanne Barr
"I'm a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
"It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time." ~Tallulah Bankhead
"'Just say no' fights teen pregnancy like 'Hey, cheer up' fights manic depression."
"Sorry I missed church today, but I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian."
"The homos will decorate, Jews will cater, blacks will entertain... it'll be one big party at Satan's house!"
"I miss Monica Lewinsky and when breakdowns and blow jobs were all we cared about." ~Bette Midler
"Teachers were kids once./ I'll bet they had sex and they/ Drank beer and smoked, too." ~Becky Schwartz
"Muscles come and go; flab lasts." ~Bill Vaughan
"All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening." ~Alexander Wolcott
"There are two kinds of people in this world, people who agree with me and idoits." ~Amara
"What goes around comes around so duck!" ~Unknown
"Life is a foreign language: all men mispronounce it." ~C. Morley
"I don't take that shit. If you're gonna talk, talk to my face. Don't try to suck up after you've just shit in my kitty box." ~Julia Roberts
"Honk if you like peace and quiet." ~bumber sticker
"The whole world is about three drinks behind." ~Humphrey Bogart
"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but never her age." ~Robert Frost
"Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? 'Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!'" ~Jerry Seinfeld
"Stop looking for Prince Charming, Cinderella's already got him." ~Unknown
"I only like two kinds on men: domestic and foreign." ~Mae West
"Mr. Right's coming-- but he's in Africa, and he's walking." ~Oprah
"I have learned that the dashing knight in shining armor who was supposed to sweep me off my feet has apparently gotten lost in the woods." ~Unknown
"Evil spelled backwards is live." ~graffiti
"Good news is just life's way of keeping us off balance." ~Unknown
"While you're saving your face you're losing your ass. Never trust a man whose eyes are too close to his nose. I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket. Better inside the tent pissing out than outside the tent pissing in." ~Lyndon B. Johnson
"An indecent mind is a perpetual feast." ~old saying
"He'd give the devil ulcers." ~?
"Conscience is that inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking." ~H.L. Mencken
"Nobody's a virgin... Life screws us all!" ~Unknown
I'm lost-- I've gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask myself to wait." ~Unknown
"It's okay to talk to yourself, just don't interrupt." ~Unknown
"If I had one wish, I'd wish for a big enough ass for the whole world to kiss." ~Unknown
"'Be yourself' is about the worst advice you can give some people." ~Tom Masson
"Golf is a good walk spoiled." ~Mark Twain
"Men are like rollercosters. Either they make you sick or they give you the thrill of your life." ~Unknown
"Men are like parking spaces. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped." ~Unknown
"Guys are like beanie babies. They're cheap, their heads are full of stuffing, and the really cute ones are hard to find." ~Unknown
"Menopause, mental anxiety, menstrual cramps, mental breakdown, ever notice how all our problems start with men?" ~Unknown
"Men are proof that women can take a joke." ~Unknown
"There are things easier in life than finding a good man. Nailing jell-o to a tree for instance." ~Amara
"I would look on the bright side if I could find it." ~Amara
"Friends are God's way of aplogizing to us for our families." ~Unknown
"Someday we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and and then quickly change the subject." ~Amara
The Lords's Prayer=66 words/ The Gettysburg Address=286 words/ The Declaration of Independence= 1322 words/ U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage=2691 words.
"Good friends, good looks, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life." ~Mark Twain
"Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been temporarily cut off." ~Unknown
"Trust Jesus but cut the cards." ~?
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." ~Rita Rudner
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." ~Rita Rudner
"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be." ~Rita Rudner
"I am free of all prejudice; I hate everyone equally." ~W.C. Fields
"If I am what I eat, then I'm fast, cheap, and easy!" ~Unknown
"Don't let your mouth write a check that your ass can't cash!" ~Unknown
"One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is." ~Erma Bombeck
"I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill." ~Erma Bombeck
"Speaking before thinking is like wiping your ass before you take a crap." ~Unkown
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious." ~William Feather
"I didn't say it was your fault, I just said I was blaming it on you." ~Unknown
"Some day my ship will come in and with my luck I'll be at the airport." ~Unknown
"If life hands you LEMONS...ask for a shot of TEQUILA" ~Unknown
"Some people have one of those days, I have one of those lives." ~Unknown
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." - Jack Handy, Saturday Night Live
