"You may know what you want,
but to get what you need
better see that you keep what you have."
-Into the Woods
Okay, so I'm sitting here talking with friends and thinking "what the hell am I going to write?" I'm making this section because I am bored (Yes, I know-- I get bored often), so this will probably be the epitome of random... maybe I'll organize it one day, maybe I won't.
Sometimes I really wonder what I am doing so wrong with with my life, and why I am choosing to write this stuff where millions can view them... but then I think-- why not, chances are I'll know maybe 5% of who sees this anyway...
I really don't want too much out of life. Just to feel that total happiness that fills you from the inside out. Not to say I am not at all happy, I am sometimes. But not for the right reasons I don't think. And then there are those times I get so sad-- just at random something will pop into my head and all I want to do is lay down and cry (but I don't). Then there are those times I am in such a good mood for no apparent reason-- it even pisses me off. I think it's because I'm a Cancer and we are supposed to be moody. Who knows.
And I wonder about all those that I have broken, and how badly I have hurt those to which I have promised. I never really mean to hurt someone badly, but somethings you do and say can't ever be taken back. I learned that the hard way. And then there is all that was ever promised to me and not delivered. I am the type of person who can laugh off almost anything. And that is an "easy" way to be. Because nothing gets to you, nothing hurts you. But what about when the big things come along? The ones you can't laugh off? Then what? That's when things really hurt-- no matter how much you don't want them to. Because you are faced with a situation in which you can't laugh it off, and you don't know what to do. So then you just keep it to yourself and don't let anyone see hoping it will go away. But it never does. Then you're stuck with it and you can't forget it. And that will cause undescribable pain that you can't show-- or don't know how to. Ick.
Do you ever have those times when you are so lonely you can't stand it? It's like you are the only person in the world that has ever felt what you're feeling-- and you're not even sure what exactly you are feeling. There are times when I can be surrounded by friends, or in the middle of a class, or watching TV with my whole family home but I still am so alone. It's depressing. And that leads you to do really stupid things in a desperate effort to get away, but you never can. However, retrospect is always there to light a clearer path.
I wonder why life has to be so complicated. Then I wonder if perhaps it isn't me that makes it so complex. And if it is me then what can I do to fix me? It's like I keep looking for something that I really need to find, but I have not a clue as to where to look, what I'm looking for, or how to find it. I think I look for comfort a lot... I'm not sure that's it either. However, I sure manage to look for it in all the wrong places. That's just the way it crumbles I suppose.
So, are you ready to check me into Charter yet? I'll probably be there by the time I'm 30-- padded rooms baby! Don't ask. I wonder if someone will ever feel "that" way about me, if they will ever look at me and feel that I am "The One." And if that ever happens, why they hell would feel that way? I don't understand how I will ever manage to find my soul mate. I really think everybody has one, but with my luck I'll pass them by and not even notice. Cest la vie.
It is so hard to find that one person who you are ment to be with for the rest of your life. I cannot understand why so many people automatically cut their chances of finding that person in half just because they are of the same sex. It just seems so stupid to me. Most adult-types that I'm "young" and I'll "grow out of it," but I hope to God that I don't. I like being what I am. It's what is right for me. Build a bridge and get over it.
Coming out is such a pain in the ass. It pisses me off, straight people don't have to come out. Why can't everyone just assume everyone is bisexual, and then be done with it. Enough already. Everyone has to come out, and it's a big deal, ya know? When it isn't, well it is, but it shouldn't be. People should be able to love who they want to without having to explain it. Ugh. The frustration.
Okay, I do not have a problem with people loving whoever they want to love. I do not have a problem with people having sex. I do not have a problem with people loving/doing whatever makes them happy (provided it is legal and is in *good* taste-- no pun intended). BUT, I'm eating my lunch! I really do not want to have to look at anyone getting it on right in front of God and everybody. Get a room! Go to your car! I don't care where the fuck you go, but I don't want to watch it! Especially since I don't have anyone to make out with. And while I'm still on this tangent... I am very happy that these people are happy, but it is none of my business what they and their partner do in their spare time, nor do I want to know what they do (unless you are one of the crew-- you are still obligated to share). And if you know me you KNOW that I do not need any ideas! Just thought I'd mention it. Back at the ranch...
Sometimes I look at myself and wonder where my smile is. "It disappeared in concentration" I say, thinking to myself-- "No, it was erased by confusion." And I am glad that it is times like this-- times when I am shaky, scared, and alone-- that you cannot see me. But sometimes I get so tired of being the jester. Of smiling, and smiling when inside my head a voice is screaming "Shut up Shut up Shut up LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Being cast as the joker is so often the hardest role. You aren't allowed to have bad days. You must cheer up those feeling down, and above all-- SMILE . What happens when I am having a bad day? What happens when I need cheering up? What happens when I don't want to smile? It really is amazing how I can go through days and my body just knows what to do. It walks through campus and says hello to friends and foe, it smiles, and it can even take notes in class. Those are the days when I am glad you cannot "see" me. Those are the days when I wish you could, you would. Those are the days my smile disappears in my head, but on the outside you can't see it. Those are the times I'm screaming "Why can't you see that I'm so sad? Can you not look in my eyes and know, can't you see it there? LOOK! Will someone help me-- just a little?"
But if I said that I would feel that I am weak, that I'm not strong enough. And that I will not be. But sometimes I just wish that I was not the advice giver, the listener, the shoulder to cry on. Sometimes I need those things too... not that I mind helping people out. I like to do what I can to ease my friends' pain, because I know how bad it hurts. I know what it's like to feel the world come crashing down around your feet. I guess that's why I'm the one they tell-- I've been there, done that already. In that way I wish I could never have grown up.
