Weird mood I'm in. Don't know what's wrong with me today. Maybe just a lack of sleep. I keep thinking too much... just weird things that don't even need to be thought about... or maybe they do, but I just don't have the brain capacity. It's finals week. I think I'm allowed to be a little crazy. I think.
I want to make a connection at some point. I want to make a connection with all these thoughts and ideas... and I know these things running around my head, my heart, I'm looking up at the sky, I'm watching a drink make it's way to my mouth, and I'm thinking about all these things I want to talk about and maybe figure out. It's going to be the great connection and I'm just going to float away and it's going to be the big symbolic thing I've been waiting for all my life. I've got all these things inside my soul that I've never told anyone... but I can't really even put words to them... they're just there.
All these awful things happening around me. Planes crashing into buildings, bombings... and it doesn't make me stop what I'm thinking. Then it stops for a bit and that makes me want more. I need more because I'm getting numb... I want more pain, I want more sorrow, I want to go faster... I wanna have sex in the middle of nowhere. I want to be the one in charge of the world. I want to have this one amazing love that will last forever... past this life and into others... passed with our souls to other worlds and other people in other times. Existing forever. I want to make a difference in the world. I want the world to be fair one day, or at least as close to it as it could get. I want my parents to know who I am and love me anyway and love me just as much as I think they do now. And I want to be the best. I want to make everyone happy and proud of me and who I have become. I want my friends to be happy. Or at least okay, at least surviving and as well-adjusted as is possible. I want to change all that is sad and wrong and imperfect... but I have to walk away because it's too much.
I feel myself changing sometimes, you know, I'm "growing up." Here I am this upper-middle class yuppie type oblivious to everything but the sale at Ann Taylor and all the sudden I'm around all these different people and I'm reading books and I feel myself reaching for it, I'm reaching for something I can't have... What do you do about all that anger in you? Can you channel it in a good way? Do you make yourself feel better about the world? Do you go out and still feel peaceful in this world today?
I've got this woman in my life and I want it to mean something when I die, I won't be erased and she will remember this forever. The whole world should remember it... this love, our lives... I don't know. When do you think about this? Do people ever really think about love and all that it means? Who do you say all of this to? Who can tell you what is right and what it all means? I think about the only thing that comes to my mind is that I want to just get in my car and just drive away. I don't care about college! I don't care about what I'm going to do for the rest of my life! I don't care about all the hate in the world! I don't care about some dumbass bomb that went off and I don't care about race and oppression! What's the point? I just want to go...
I've got all these questions inside and I'm thinking "Who do you ask? What do you want to ask?" When you're lying alone at night and there's all this black and too much time to let your mind wander, are you thinking to yourself "I'm really depressed"? Do you want to go and save everything? And don't you get obsessed like I do about all of these seemingly little things? Do you have someone that you really love? You're really so in love that you can't stand a life without it and you want to leave all the wrongness and complications and evil from your life before...from the whole world... behind and you want something to breathe life into everything you do and do you look up at the sky do you see the stars and do you think of god and do you think of all the possible repercussions of your life? Do you think of life? Do you think of heaven and hell? Are they real? Which will you go to... which will I go to? Is death scary? Is it a relief? When you look at me are you thinking 'there's one more dumbass blonde the world didn't need' and do you know what the meaning of life is?!?!
But I look up at the sky and I watch the drink move to my mouth. I have another smoke and let it be.
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