Demon or Angel
I'm not as innocent as my fellow pilots
think. I have a secret... one that would surprise even Heero.
But I made a choice. I'm glad I made the one I did because I caught
a glimpse of what I might have become. Even now, two weeks after
seeing what I could have been, it still makes my heart ache.
-------------------------------------
Absently I stirred my tea as I watched
the others play basketball. They never ask me to play, which is probably
good because the teams would be mismatched. Besides, I'm not very
good at it despite my affinity for the game.. I finished my tea and
stood quietly in order to keep from disturbing the others.
After droppping my cup off in the
sink I went to the room I shared with Trowa and slipped into a pair of
black sweatpants and a white t-shirt before leaving a note telling them
I was going for a walk. Slipping on the black, leather jacket Duo
bought me for my birthday I stepped out into the night.
The wind was cool and tossed my hair
around my head but amaxingly it stayed out of my eyes. It was late
so the streets were nearly desserted. Lonliness struck me full force
and seeing hungry children, beggers and less fortunate people weighed on
my shoulders. Going for a walk had been a bad idea. Turning
I started on the way back but didn't go far when a large man, accompanied
by two of his friends stepped out of the shadows directly into my path.
I kept walking, knowing anything else would be seen as fear.
Meeting the leader's eyes levelly
as I got closer I said, "Excuse me."
He smiled showing blackened teeth
as his friends circled being me.
I was going to have to fight.
"Where do you think you're going pretty-boy?"
I didn't break my gaze. "Home,
please let me by, I don't want to cause any trouble."
He stepped forward as he laughed,
so close I could smell the stench of his breathe. He also needed
a bath. "Too late, pretty boy. Hey guys, this kid's pretty
enough to be a girl. Think he'll squeal like a girl?" His eyes
undressed me as his cronies laughed. I felt sorry for what I was
about to do to him.
As he reached for me I spun out of
the way twisting so that I could bring my elbow hard into his back sending
him into his two friends. Letting my body flow I faced them in a
fighting stance.
The man growled as he regained his
balance. He was fasster then I thought. I blocked hi first
shot but the second slammed into my face. I didn't let it effect
me, instead I used the moment to drop down using my right hand as a balance
and sent my feet into his chest which knocked him down again.
As they started to get up again I
brought my gun out and trained it on them. "I'm a VERY good shot,
don't make me shoot you."
They stared at the gun, then at me
and the big guy glared, "There'll be another time pretty boy and I'll teach
you a lesson you'll never forget."
I smiled sadly at him. "Perhaps."
Angrily he turned, his friends on
his heels.
Lowering the gun I watched them retreat
before heading back, certain my eye was already beginning to bruise.
--------------------------
The lights were off as I slid back
into the dorm and moved towards my room. The light was on when I
reached the door, it was easy to see the light spilling into the hallway
from under the door. Grimacing I wondered how I would explain my
black eye. Taking a deep breath I opened the door and stepped inside.
Surprisingly Trowa wasn't the only
one in the room. Duo, Heero and Wufei all looked at me as I stepped
inside.
Heero was angry, so were the others.
I gave them a small smile as I closed the door. "Hi."
"Quatre, it's two in the morning.
What were you thinking?" Wufei seemed annoyed.
"I needed some fresh air."
Duo snorted, "Since when does fresh
air give you a black eye?"
I peeled off the jacket, turning my
back to them as I hung it on the back of the door. "That was an accident,
not a big deal." I left the gun in the jacket pocket as I turned
back. "I didn't mean for you to worry, that's why I left the note
and I didn't want to break up your game just because I wanted to go for
a walk."
Trowa and Heero both seemed to tense
and Duo turned serious but it was Wufei who spoke harshly, "You could've
been killed."
I stared at them in silence before
taking my jacket back down and slipping it on.
Duo was in front of the door before
I could leave. "Where do you think you're going?"
I felt suddenly hollow but cold and
angry too. "Get out of the way Duo." My voice was hard and
I saw Duo flinch, in obvious memory of my double.
"No way."
My hand moved to cover my heart.
"I'm a Gundam pilot, just like all of you. I can shoot as well as
most of you..."
"Quatre."
I turned to see Trowa behind me, "Yah?"
He watched me with emotionless eyes.
"People feel the need to protect you because you're..."
I cut him off. "What?
Innocent? And who asked you or anyone else to protect me anyway?
Do you know that when people try to protect me they usually wind up dead?
And as for innocence... Heero has more of that then I do. And believe
it or not if I wanted to I could defeat a lot of people in hand to hand
combat... what my double can do, so can I. Everyone thinks I'm some
kind of perfect Angel when I'm really just a Demon. So lay off!"
My voice was low, dangerous on the verge of a growl. Gracefully I
swung back to Duo. "Don't take this the wrong way Duo but if you
don't move of you're own accord, I'll move you myself."
Duo was serious but he didn't move,
"What's your secret Quatre?" His eyes locked onto mine holding me
in place. Memories flooded back as I tried frantically to drown them
out and I felt myself laugh bitterly.
"You don't want to know, Duo.
You don't." I looked away ashamed of the way I had acted. "I'm
sorry for what I said but I won't expect forgiveness. I should have
considered your feelings and I should have thought it through..."
I felt a hand on my shoulder but couldn't
look up. Fingers slipped under my chin and caused me to look up into
Duo's concerned face. "Uh-uh Quatre, you promised to stop blaming
yourself. We over-reacted... but you, me and those three guys aren't
leaving till you tell us your secret."
My gut twisted as I tried to speak
but he shook his head decisively. "You need to talk about it.
It's tearing you apart and it's pretty obvious you hate yourself because
of it."
My cheeks were weet, my heart aching.
"If I tell you, you'll haate me too."
Heero grunted, "Don't think it's possible
to really hate you, though at times it would make life easier."
That from Heero... it was so much
of a shock it brought me out of my momentary panic and I met his stony
gaze with a sad smile on my face. "No. You'll hate me but it'll
be better then living a lie."
Suddenlly feeling bone-tired I grabbed
a pillow off the bed and sat down cross-legged with my back against the
wall, waiting until the others were comfortable before I stared at the
pillow in my lap. "I guess it has mostly to do with choices.
Mostly mine, some others too." A gave a small, humourless laugh.
"You wouldn't know it but when I was younger I was a lot of trouble.
I'd sneak out and play with the street kids I had a lot of friends on the
street that I'd use my allowance to help. My father didn't know about
it, only a couple of my sisters and most of the servants. Violence
was something my father was always against but it was commonplace on the
streets." I squeezed my eyes shut and leaned my head against the
wall. "An older girl who was maybe sixteen, about seven or eight
years older then me, named Trace decided I needed to learn how to fight.
Something my father would have disapproved of. She gathered up a
small group of six kids including myself, teaching us a way of fighting
that covered numerous kinds of techniques. She acted like one
of my older sisters, taking extra care in my training. But the time
I was ten I had surpassed her and she had a man called Shades take over."
My throat felt dry as I returned to
starring at the pillow. "Because I look so frail both then and now,
people would assume I was easy prey. From the start my street friends
were protective but it stayed that way even after I could fight better
then most of them. Because of me there was a drastic division of
the less fortunate people in my colony. I was too... blindingly naive
to notice what I was doing to the people. They were torn between
liking me and hating me for what I'd been born with. Most thought
I was some kind of snob rubbing my money under their noses. It shoulden't
have happened but it did. I basically started my own little war.
A climax was reached and... a lot of people died. I fought to protect
my friends but I didn't tell me family..." I laughed slightly, "It
wasn't eassy to hide my bumps and bruises and it was then that I took to
wearing long sleeved shirts." I fell silent for a minute. "I
got to watch people I cared about die, people who'd become another family
to me... I don't remember what happened but when Trace died I... lost it...
I remember there was a lot of blood and it was Shades that cleaned me up.
I went back to the fight more like a machine that a Humaan and uncaring...
I got caught but they made a mistake..." I fell to a whisper, "...they
should never have tortured those kids in front of me... it turned me into
an animal capable of unspeakable horror."
I wrapped my arms around myself.
"Once again it was Shades who found me, I can't say how many times I tried
to kill him but over a month, no word to my family, he slowly brought me
back, saved me from becoming a monster. When I was fighting myself
he told me that it was my mind trying to overcome my heart, and that because
my heart was my strength I had to follow it despite the pain because
if I didn't I'd be torn apart by the conflict. When I got home I
pretended that I'd had amnesia... a lying angel... talk about ironic, huh?
I"m almost a sbad as OZ... causing so many deaths..."
"But what happened was dure to Human
error, an accident that only needed a catalyst to blame it on. It
was like a match being lit near a flammable gas. Quatre you were
the flame wether you wanted to be or not." The serious tone was strange
coming from Duo.
"But I became a-a-a monster."
My voice was full of self-loathing and disgust, surprising even to me.
Life was harsh...
"Momentarily. But you overcame
it. Your friend, Shades, was right. You're strength comes from
the heart. Despite the hardships you withstood and the horrors you
committed you couldn't forget that not all peopl are bad, that most are
decent and good... worth fighting for. You could have denied that,
denied yourself and truly become the monster you believe yourself to be.
You overcame a trial and became stronger. Your strength and love
of life for everyone whether they're trying to kill you or not is what
gives others the ability to be the very most they can be and bring them
together. You represent something everyone wishes to be... at peace
with yourself. You blame yourself for the pain of others, feel guilt
but unlike so many others you accept what you are, you accept that your
mind does what's necessary and you accept that your heart understands what
alternatives can be taken. Your real fear is that you'll disappoiint
others, those who look up to you and see what you've tried to hide in order
to keep their faith in tact. You're afriad that we, your friends,
will abandon you."
I stared at Wufei for a moment, knowing
he was right... I couldn't stand to loose them like that. My heart
would give out and there'd be only the mind to continue. Without
a word I got up and moved to peer out the window. "Will I?... Will
I loose your friendship...?" I turned around slowly, ready to face
what was to come.
Duo smiled genuinely as were the others
but Duo voiced what they wanted said, "Never. In fact I always wondered
when you'd break... now I know you can't because you'd die before you'd
allow it. You may accept what you are both the good and the bad but
you won't let the bad take over again. You're a soldier but also
a leader and yes YOU, Quatre, are an angel and a demon. You are human.
And we know we can trust you to do what's right. I know that sounds
corny man, but it's the way it is. Better men are hard to find."
Slowly I returned Duo's smile.
"Thank-you."
He shrugged, grinning his manic trade-mark
grin. "I'm Death, you're life. Seems ta me in this day and
age they go hand in hand. Face it, we have ta stick together."
I couldn't agree more.
