Missing Pieces

 

by Jennifer Bates

 

 

The arguing voices could be heard all the way to the barn and Jimmy shook his head in dismay. The way Kid and Lou happened to be at odds with one another lately would have grated on the strongest of men, the hardest of nerves. And Jimmy had just about had enough of them both. He made his way to the tiny bunkhouse, meaning to set this current problem straight once and for all. The closer he got, the louder they became.

Cody reclined in a wooden chair just outside the door, a smirk across his face. Apparently he enjoyed the couple's demise but Jimmy was sick of listening to it.

"Aren't you tired of listening to this garbage?" Jimmy asked his friend, scowling fiercely.

Cody shrugged, "Doesn't bother me none," he countered, "I figure they'll tire of it soon enough, Jimmy."

"Well, not soon enough for me," Jimmy shot back and opened the door.

As soon as he stepped inside, something crashed hard against the wall and Jimmy ducked just in the nick of time. One of Rachel's glass bowls came down in shattered pieces around his feet and he searched for Kid. A laugh escaped him when he saw him hiding under the table. Coward!

"Lou!" Jimmy shouted, ducking a tin cup, "Alright! Cut it! Now!"

She screamed in frustration, stamped her foot and left the room. When she slammed the door hard enough to knock it from its hinges, Jimmy bent down and helped Kid from underneath his shelter. Kid looked at him sheepishly, his face turning bright red.

"What in the hell did you do to deserve that?" Jimmy quipped, dusting Kid's shoulders.

"Seems I don't have to do nothing, Jimmy, the littlest things set her off," Kid answered, his eyes glued to the door, "All I did was ask her not to take the ride to Lincoln because there's been trouble with the Indians again and she flew off the handle. I don't get it, Jimmy, what's eating at her?"

Jimmy shrugged, as Cody had earlier, "I don't know, maybe she don't want to be looked after all the time. Kid, you ever think you two might need some time away?"

Kid sat down, his head in his hands and he looked like he was at a loss for words.

Jimmy continued, "Not saying you ought to make it permanent or anything, just take a breath. I know sometimes there's too much of a good thing."

Kid agreed, "You might be right, Jimmy, maybe she should take that run to Lincoln after all. It's going to take two or three days, at the most. Give us time to clear our heads and make sure this is the right thing."

Noah walked in and Kid nearly jumped to his feet, thinking Louise had returned to carry on her warfare with Rachel's kitchen utensils. Jimmy nodded toward Kid and headed for the door, relieved that he would have some peace and quiet around here if only for a few days. Kid's voice stopped him in his tracks.

"Jimmy? I don't want her going by herself out there, too much trouble right now," he said, "Would you ride along with her to see that no harms comes?"

Why hadn't he seen that one coming? A ride alone with Louise for two or three days would be too much for a man like him to handle, especially considering the way he felt about her. Did the Kid realize what he was asking? No, his answer would have to be no.

"Sure, Kid, I ain't got anything else going till next week," Jimmy consented, all the while branding himself a complete idiot for deciding to do this, "When do we leave? Want me to tell her?"

Kid nodded, afraid to go near Louise after what had just taken place. She'd receive the news much better if it came from Jimmy anyway and Jimmy could act like Teaspoon wanted him to go with her. That way, she wouldn't know that Kid was protecting her yet once again.

"Don't tell her I asked you, alright Jimmy?" Kid pleaded, "Just act like Teaspoon wanted you to go."

"Consider it done, Kid," Jimmy called over his shoulder, "See you in a few days."

Damn! Double-damn! Why hadn't he refused? Noah was standing right there, he could have gone to Lincoln with Lou, why did he feel the need to go? Jimmy knew that he was placing Lou in more danger by accompanying her than she would encounter with an entire Indian tribe. Was it just because he wished for nothing more than to be by her side, no matter what the circumstances? Just to stand next to Louise had given Jimmy a kind of thrill that he'd never felt with anyone else except Rachel. What was it about this one woman that made his insides turn to mush and his tongue grow numb inside his mouth whenever she came near?

"Jimmy? What's wrong?" Buck spoke next to him, startling Jimmy enough to cause him to flinch visibly, "Are you alright?"

He shook his head; on edge that someone had crept up on him without him noticing. He'd done that a lot lately and it worried him beyond belief. Someone like Jimmy couldn't afford to be so caught up in other things, not when it looked as if every hired gun was out to make a name for himself by putting Wild Bill Hickok down permanently.

"Just thinking, Buck," he answered, "Are the horses ready? We'll have to leave before first light."

"Everything's a go," Buck said carefully, his mind on his friend's troubles, "You want to talk about it?"

Jimmy shook his head again and started back to the bunkhouse to ready his belongings for tomorrow. It was going to be a long night and he doubted he'd get much sleep. His nerves were already unsettled by the argument between the Kid and Lou and now that he would be riding across the countryside with her alone, he nearly felt sick to his stomach. Rachel shot him a concerned look when he refused the evening meal, saying that he'd turn in early on account of the long day ahead. Teaspoon, however, knew of Jimmy's uncertainty but chose to remain unspoken. He could sense things like this and Jimmy hadn't fooled him one bit about his feelings over Louise.

But, what the young man didn't recognize and what made it so difficult for Teaspoon to keep quiet, is the fact that he was convinced that Louise had the exact same feelings for Jimmy as he did for her. How blind could two people actually be? Could the reason behind their calm have something to do with their mutual respect for the Kid and how devastated he would be if he found out that the only woman he loved in reality loved someone else? Teaspoon had yet to know the answers but he was uneasy that something drastic would occur to them both on this trip to Lincoln. He supposed it would be resolved when they returned.

 

 

The first light of dawn crept across the plains, hinting toward a brand new day. What would it bring? Louise was to the point of sheer panic at the thought of being utterly alone with Jimmy Hickok for such a length of time. Could she trust herself to remain faithful to the Kid even though he was the last person she wanted to have around right now? Or would her secrets unfold, baring her soul in a way she often dreamed about? If only to stand next to Jimmy, have his safe and secure presence near her, Louise felt that she could do anything in the world. He unknowingly gave her the inspiration and reason to go on living at times when things were too tough.

Jimmy wordlessly mounted his horse and looked over at Lou as she tossed the last of her things across the mare's back. She hadn't said one single word to him since they woke up. He couldn't help but wonder if she dreaded his being there or had the same things going through her mind as he did at supper. Now and then Jimmy swore that she returned just an inch of the uncontrolled emotions that flowed through him like a wild river. Then, he'd see her with the Kid and all hope would clearly be lost to the wind.

How he hated himself for turning away from her when Mills was hung that day! If only she'd spoken up. If only he'd taken her in his arms right then and held her, held her in the way her eyes pleaded with him to be held. If only he didn't love Louise so much, so damn much! If only he could forget her big, brown eyes and the way they seemed to call to him when no one else was near. But how in hell could anyone forget a woman like that?

This journey was not going to be easy but Jimmy settled himself on keeping his distance at all costs. He valued Kid's trust and friendship too much to let the man down like that. It wasn't right to think the way he did, but if he could go on keeping quiet, no one would come to any harm.

"Louise?" Jimmy whispered, unaware of the sensations his voice brought to her heart, "Ready to ride?"

She giggled softly at the underlying meaning of his words. I sure am, Jimmy, she thought to herself, if only you knew how much. Louise chided herself for already thinking along those lines once again and merely nodded. When she realized he couldn't see her, she gave a short reply and they were gone in a second.

Neither of them spotted Kid situated at the door, already regretting that he'd unwisely paired those two up for a three-day ride alone. What on earth had he been thinking? He knew of the buried feelings Lou always tried to hide from him about Jimmy. He'd seen the look on her face, the longing in her eyes when she thought no one observed her wrongdoings. And now, there they were, thrown together by his very hand. What had he done?

"Jimmy, once I make it to Lincoln, you're free to go your own way," Louise said as the sun broke over the horizon.

She knew he had been forced to accompany her and it only made her feel like a helpless female, when she was perfectly capable of handling any hazardous situation. Why had Teaspoon suddenly felt that she could no longer fend for herself? Why had he chosen Jimmy to go along? Why not one of the others?

"Well, I was going to see Salinda over in Seneca on the way back," he responded, disliking the fact that Lou gave the impression she wanted to rid herself of his total presence, "Can you make it to Lincoln without me?"

"Sure," came her quick reply, frustrated that he'd rather choose his sister's company over hers, anyone's company over her.

Silence followed them all the way to the outskirts of Fort Laramie where they made camp early so that they could ride into Lincoln by noon the next day. Jimmy unloaded the horses while Lou tended to them, then he built the fire while she set out the bedrolls. She questioned herself throughout the entire trip why he simply stopped talking to her for no reason at all. Did he truly hate being this close to her? Had she said something to push him away? Maybe when she told him he could go his own way, he actually took it to mean that she was running him off. Quite the contrary, Louise looked forward to being isolated with Jimmy out here in the middle of nowhere, underneath the starry heavens. She wished for a moment that she belonged to him, and then pressed the idea out of her mind entirely. How hurt Kid would be to know that she even imagined such a thing!

Jimmy stared into the flames and cursed his own foolishness for volunteering this ride with Lou. It was like throwing a match into a blazing fire since he couldn't honestly trust himself out here in the open with no one around them for at least two miles and she would be sleeping right next to him. He turned to watch her set out the bedrolls and cocked his head sideways to get a better view. She had bent over to straighten them out and Jimmy found himself admiring the fullness of her womanly hips and thought how brainless he was to have missed the actuality that Lou was in truth Louise.

"Something on your mind, Jimmy?" Louise fairly shouted, hands on her hips to exaggerate her irritation with him, "Don't you have anything better to do?"

She was right! When she turned around to ask him a question, his eyes gave him away and she knew what it was that he found so interesting. Jimmy Hickok had been staring directly at her rear! Well, she couldn't let him know that it pleased her, so she must feign indifference. Else, what was she fighting for?

Jimmy's face grew scarlet and his eyes darted back to the campfire. He spoke not one word, only poked at the blaze with a stick and feeling ashamed that Louise had seen him looking at her that way. He must be losing his touch, Jimmy thought. Usually, he kept that secret hidden deep; casting a glance her way when he thought no one could see it. And he was constantly doing so; only tonight she'd caught him at his little game and that embarrassed him terribly.

"Goodnight, Jimmy," she whispered across the darkness and he could hear the sounds of her sleeping within minutes. It was a good thing that she turned in early because Jimmy just didn't feel like talking much. Especially not after the stunt he pulled.

"Goodnight, Lou," he answered softly.

 

 

As soon as Jimmy and Lou arrived in Lincoln, the first thing they both wanted to do was turn back and head home. Something was definitely not right in this town and Jimmy instantly reached for his gun, if only to make certain it was still near. He cast a worried frown toward Louise and she mirrored his expression.

"I don't like this, Lou," he warned, "Let's get done what we have to get done and get out."

"I'm with you, Jimmy, but let's try to find out what's going on first," she contradicted his decision, "There's the marshal's office over there. You get us our rooms and I'll go and see him."

Jimmy disagreed loudly, "Nothing doing, I ain't letting you out of my sight."

They stood in awe as the townspeople hurried and bustled about them as if they were invisible. That's when Jimmy sincerely began to get awfully nervous because several of them knew him and said nothing to him. He fought the urge to grab Lou and run as far as possible.

"I say we get out of here now!" he shouted anxiously and grabbed her by the arm, steering her back to the horses, "I'm telling you, Lou, we don't want to be here."

Louise stared at Jimmy open-mouthed, stunned at his unexpected actions. He knew something she didn't and she was aware that she best follow, since he had the ability to judge this sort of condition. It was his life, the life of a wanted man, a gunfighter that made her listen to him this time. And also because she trusted Jimmy with her own life, she knew without a doubt that he would die to protect and defend her if need be.

"Alright, Jimmy, alright," she fussed, mounting the mare once again and turning his direction, "We'll come back later when this is…"

"No, Lou, we go home now," Jimmy interrupted, urging his stud into a brisk run, "We tell Teaspoon what happened and that's it."

Louise bit her tongue to keep from lashing back at him. While she understood his concern for their safety, she despised his tone of voice. He sounded so much like Kid that it was pathetic. Why did everyone have the need to shelter her now that she was a girl? She'd always been a girl and, except for the time she worked at the saloon, Lou had no problems taking care of herself. She would let him know later in no uncertain terms that he didn't have to baby her constantly like the others, although she felt grateful for his thoughtfulness.

They rode back to the campsite and Jimmy dismounted, still tasting the fear on his tongue. He had no idea what was about to occur but he knew for sure that it wasn't pleasant and he evidently didn't intend to see it. He'd seen too much in his young life as it was and missing one more terrible event wouldn't change much at all. Jimmy couldn't grasp why he could sense approaching danger but he guessed it to be because it had been instilled in him since he was very small. Experience taught him to know when it was coming, experience he'd told no one about. And he'd rather not think anything else about it.

"Jimmy?" Louise said softly, touching his shoulder, "What's wrong? What happened to you back there?"

He sighed deeply, tugging the saddlebags from his horse and throwing them onto the ground, "I don't know, Lou, but you've got to trust me on this. I only know that what was going on couldn't have been anything good and I wanted to leave. That's all."

"But, how did you…" she began, only to stop short.

Jimmy turned on her in one second flat, his dark eyes wild and stormy.

"Damn it, Lou, stop asking so many questions!" he yelled, "I don't want to talk about this anymore!"

Louise backed up, tripped over a log and settled down hard on the dirt. Her large, doe eyes grew wider with each word he spoke and she sat still, afraid to move and even afraid to breathe. What the hell had gotten into him? Why did he appear so scared of a little trouble all of a sudden? This wasn't a man that feared things so quickly. Something else lied just beneath the surface and Louise must get to the bottom of it. But not right now.

Jimmy stopped cold, aware of what he'd just done and was immediately apologetic. He reached down to help her to her feet and she recoiled, causing him to feel worse. What had brought such an outburst from him? He didn't normally respond with such anger at nothing. She'd merely asked him a plain question and he'd exploded.

"Lou," he whispered, reaching for her hand again, "Louise, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I don't know what's the matter with me, I just…"

"No, it's alright," Louise interrupted, waving him off, "Really, Jimmy, I'm okay. Let's just water these horses and get back. All I want to do is get a bath and sleep on something a little softer than this."

She led her horse to the creek, leaving Jimmy to think about what had just happened. Jimmy thought about a lot of things, mainly the reason he had become the man he was today. He tried so many times not to think about his past life but it forever had a way of sneaking up on him unexpectedly, such as it had today. It was almost as if he could smell it, could breathe the air around him and know at once when something horrible was about to take place. And, Jimmy had his father to thank for that, although he didn't know it yet.

 

 

"Jimmy?" Lou called out, "What are we going to say to Teaspoon when we get back?"

Jimmy shrugged and leaned up on his elbow so that he could see her, "We'll tell him what we saw and that should be enough, don't you think?"

She nodded, unsure about pressing the issue further after what happened earlier. She didn't wish to annoy him further by asking more than he could give so she reclined back onto the pallet and kept quiet. In the distance, a lone coyote called to its mate and Jimmy sat up slowly, staring intently at the surrounding trees.

"Lou," he spoke barely above a whisper, "Don't move."

Louise's dark eyes darted in his direction and this time she felt it, too. Something or someone was watching them. She prayed it was the latter of the two.

The undeniable click-click-click of Jimmy's revolver terrified Louise but she stayed put, her eyes roaming as far as possible in order to see what pair of eyes looked back at them. She longed to spring from her sleeping position and run to him, feel his arms wrap around her and tell her that everything would be all right.

Jimmy sat perfectly still and raised the gun carefully until his arm was stretched straight out and pointing into the darkness. For the second time that day, he felt the same nauseating feeling of fear and he hated it! Rage began to get the best of him once again and he stood, calling out to the intruder.

"You'd better show yourself!" he yelled, anxiety creeping into his voice.

At that moment, a tall, intimidating Kiowa brave stepped out from the shadows and walked over to Jimmy. He stood face-to-face with him and aimed his own chest at the handgun Jimmy held. For what seemed an eternity, there were no words spoken. Then, Jimmy spoke with a warning.

"We don't want any trouble," he informed the man, "We're just Pony Express riders carrying mail."

Louise didn't move from her spot, lest the brave see her.

"No trouble," the Kiowa said in a forced accent, "Water horses by creek. Saw fire, thought soldiers."

Jimmy lowered his gun and clicked the hammer down. He moved back from the man and offered his hand in a gesture of friendship. The brave looked at Jimmy, then his hand and scowled. Jimmy took his hand and showed him the handshake, almost laughing aloud at the expression on the Indian's face, which was absolute amazement.

"Seems he likes the handshake, Lou," Jimmy called out to her, "I think it's alright to show your face now."

Louise rose from her location and stood up, smiling at their newfound friend. She offered him a place by the fire and all three sat down to talk. What the Kiowa told them only validated Jimmy's speculations in Lincoln.

"Red Deer," he said, pointing to himself, "Kiowa."

"I'm Jimmy and this here's Louise. Why are you all the way out here this time of night, Red Deer."

Red Deer looked at Louise, then Jimmy and told the story.

"Meet Sioux tomorrow. Attack on Lincoln this day, many white man killed. Soldiers say Kiowa but not Kiowa. Sioux attack Lincoln."

Jimmy sighed, his head hung down as Lou stared at them both in utter shock. Jimmy had been right! If it weren't for him, they'd most likely be dead by now. Right then, she vowed not to question him ever again. If he said it would be, then it would be. When he looked up again, Jimmy saw the realization pass across Louise's face and he nodded to her, relieved that they'd rode out when they had or he probably wouldn't be seeing her alive again.

"Do you know where they're headed?" Jimmy asked, "Did the soldiers catch them?"

Red Deer shook his head and stood, looking over his shoulder as several Kiowa appeared behind him. Jimmy never once took his eyes off of them as he listened to Red Deer. Louise got up and sat down beside Jimmy, away from their watching stares. They made her feel very nervous. Jimmy, sensing her need for protection, possessively slung an arm about her shoulders and drew her next to him. Louise didn't object, only scooted closer, at once relishing the warmth of his muscular body.

"Sioux meet us first light. You not be harmed, have my word."

With that, the man disappeared into the night, leaving the two to ponder his devastating words and feel sadness over the deaths of so many innocent men, women and little children. Louise felt tears come to her eyes and she unashamedly allowed them to descend, leaning her head over on Jimmy's strong shoulder. He pulled her even nearer and wrapped his other arm around her waist, talking softly to her as she cried for all those poor people. She didn't show many emotions but when it came to such cruel measures as this, Lou couldn't help but feel an awesome compassion.

"Jimmy," she sobbed, wiping her face over and again, "Those people didn't have to die. It wasn't their fault."

Jimmy rocked her gently, squeezing her tight and, at the same time, reveling in the sensations that the warmth and softness of her body brought to him. He had yearned to hold her just like this on so many cold, lonely nights. He would lie awake, thinking of how attractive she was, how much he wanted her with all his heart and soul. Yet, there had been nothing he could do for Louise belonged with Kid.

But, now, he wasn't so sure that fate wasn't on his side tonight. It appeared to him that Louise enjoyed his embrace as much as he took pleasure in holding her in his arms. No one was around them for miles and he didn't let go, only flexed his muscles and held tighter, afraid that if he released her, she wouldn't let him have this once accidental opportunity again. That was something Jimmy wasn't prepared to do right now.

Louise delighted in the hold that Jimmy provided her and she snuggled up to him when he pulled her body closer, wrapping his arms about her securely. Her brown eyes stared longingly at his broad neck and her lips wished to kiss his fiery skin, wanted to feel the rapturous kiss that she knew only Jimmy could give to her. For some time now, Louise would dream of his lips pressed softly to hers as he enfolded her in his powerful grip. And she often wondered if things would or could stop there. What would happen if she took the chance? Would he become angry and push her away? Or return her affections with an ardor that matched her own? There was only one way to answer that burning question. She had to know, now or never.

Jimmy's entire body shivered as he felt the feather-light touch of Louise's mouth caressing his sensitive neck, just below the earlobe. He couldn't believe it, had only dared to dream of this moment and here it was staring him in the face. Jimmy was scared to move, to break the fascination that entranced them both in it's seductive weavings. He didn't want it to end, didn't dare give her any motive to stop. But how did she know that what she was doing was the highlight of his arousal points? No other touch, save one, could ever set his soul afire like a gentle nudge or kiss upon his neck.

"Jimmy," she breathed against his raging, excited flesh, "Jimmy."

The sound of his name on her tender lips was more than Jimmy could withstand and he angled his face toward her, gazing deeply into her eyes. He searched them far and wide for any sign of refusal. What he saw instead was a hunger, a devotion that harmonized with his own heart. It seemed a dream, unreal at first, but Jimmy knew that there could be no turning back now. Louise asked for him and Jimmy would give himself to her freely and openly, with an infatuation that he'd felt with no other, save Rachel Dunne.

Right away, Jimmy felt an even more enormous guilt lay heavily upon his heart. Not only was he portraying the role of traitor to the Kid, he also felt a deep loyalty to Rachel. Though Rachel had no inkling to the hidden secret of Jimmy's love for her, still, he betrayed her by his actions with Louise. Jimmy loved Rachel but he knew deep down in his heart that they could never be what he truly wanted, what he forever seemed to wish for…they could never be man and wife.

The touch of his lips upon hers shocked Louise's heart and it ceased beating for a half second. No other kiss made her feel this way, not even with Kid. A turbulence of emotions swept over her, suffocating her and she cared less if it killed her for she would die extremely fortunate. This was precisely what she hoped for all those nights when she watched Jimmy sleep, wishing she were lying next to him, alone, just the two of them. This love, this ethereal passion was astonishing and exhilarating at once. Louise gave herself up and allowed Jimmy to lead her to paradise. This night would be something close to heaven that neither of them would so easily forget.

 

 

The whole world stood completely still, standing motionless in time for the two lovers beneath the star-filled sky. Firelight flickered all around them, shadowing them at times, glowing upon their naked skin at others. A soft breeze swept across Jimmy and Louise as if to bring a new breath into their lives, lives which would now mesh, mold and become one. They would be one heart, one soul, one lifetime.

Jimmy lay above Louise, his mouth searching hers with a crazed fervor he hadn't dared unleashed upon her in the past. Their searing, unclothed bodies writhed together, reveling in the sheer sensation that the other's touch created in the soul. She felt his hands everywhere, mapping, exploring and finally claiming her body as his own. She knew that she belonged to Jimmy in a way that could never feel right with any other man, even Kid. This was what she longed for, waited for, and would have died just to have him next to her perfectly like this. And she realized that this had gone too far to turn back now, nor did she want to. Louise was aware that she was crazy about Jimmy, felt a strong devotion to him with everything she had ever been and would be tomorrow. Right now, all she wanted was to express that affection in the only way a man and woman should.

Jimmy stopped suddenly as if a bucket of ice water had been thrown down on him. He leaned back and sat next to her, shaking his head. Louise sat up, her arms crossed over her breasts. Confusion muddled his thoughts, loyalty to his friend brought a weighty guilt down on his heart like a stone and he wasn't sure that this was the right thing to do. Louise touched his shoulder and he flinched, drawing away from her.

"Jimmy?" she whispered, tears dancing on her long lashes, "What's wrong?"

Damn it! She never cried so much in all her life. She'd always been so sturdy up until recently whenever Jimmy looked at her, spoke to her, came near her at all. The last tears she'd shed had been when her precious mother had died years ago. Why did it look as if this one man could bring out moods in her that she deemed helpless and weak in other women? Was this relationship going to turn her into nothing but a weeping willowy female? If so, Louise didn't know how to handle this. Maybe they should bring it to an end right now.

Jimmy reached for his pants and stood before her, stepping into them quickly, his eyes cast away from her direction. He hadn't meant for this to come about, he only wanted to show Louise how very much he needed her. This appeared to have been the only way at the time and now Jimmy wasn't feeling so good about his behavior. It shouldn't be this way, shouldn't happen so soon. And what about the Kid? What about his never-ending devotion to the one woman he could never have? And Kid would surely kill him where he stood if he even had a clue as to what had occurred just now. No, this was one thing better left undone.

"Can't do this, Lou," Jimmy attempted at a half-hearted explanation, damning his own soul when he saw the tears in her eyes, "Please, don't look at me like that."

"But," she said in a hoarse whisper, "I don't understand."

Jimmy buttoned his pants and handed Louise her shirt, taking a seat next to her and placing her face in his hands. He forced her to look at him, even though he hated what he saw in her sad, brown eyes. Her tears fell like rain, coursed down her soft cheeks and Jimmy only felt worse that he'd permitted this in the first place.

"Louise, listen to me and listen good," he instructed, wiping the tears from her gorgeous face, "What we're doing here, it ain't right and we both know it. While I want nothing more than to love you, I can't and you know why."

"Kid?"

He nodded, disheartened at the mention of his good friend's name after what they'd nearly accomplished. Jimmy honestly didn't know if he could look the man in the eye ever again after this. He doubted Louise would tell him about it but that didn't matter, all that mattered was the fact that they both wanted each other so much and couldn't realize the dream. And he didn't want to hurt her feelings even further by mentioning the only love he'd ever known. He decided not to mention his secret love for Rachel.

"Here, get dressed and let's try to get some sleep, alright?" he motioned to her puddle of clothes on the blanket, "For what it's worth…I'm sorry, Louise."

Sorry? Louise yanked the clothes away from him and turned her back, anger replacing the tears of rejection. She listened to the sounds of Jimmy crawling into his bedroll and was thankful he left her alone. What the hell did he have to be sorry about? Was he sorry that they'd almost made love or was he sorry that they didn't? She felt so guilty then, guilty because she had cheated on Kid and because she wanted to. But, if he was sorry about it, then it made no sense to keep pining away for something she'd never have, something she wanted with all her heart.

Was the man so damn blind that he couldn't see how much she genuinely adored him? Or did he choose not to see it? At times, Louise thought she saw the same sentiment pass across his face that she felt in her heart and she knew that Jimmy cared greatly for her. If only he could declare that to her, if only she were allowed to convey her feelings for him as well. Would there ever be a second chance? Not with Kid around, she comprehended that much. Jimmy was exceedingly loyal to his companions to hurt them so. Well, there could be only one solution to this problem and that wasn't going to be so easy. Louise wanted to love Jimmy in the way she thought he so deserved and she longed for him to return that love to her. Their affections were much too strong and passionate to just let them go.

Jimmy listened to the sounds of Louise breathing deeply and he wanted to go over to her, take her in his arms and finish what had been started. But that hope was lost forever, it would never happen again and Jimmy felt cheated. He felt resentful because of his own conscience about a love that would never be and guilt on account of the Kid. Louise belonged to him after all and he knew that this could never work, not now and not ever. Especially with the kind of life he had coming, one that gave him no choice but to leave this world much too early for his liking. Jimmy didn't want to place Lou in that position for the reason that he understood a long time ago that the life of a gunfighter wasn't a very long one. Every hired gun in the west seemed thirsty for Wild Bill Hickok's blood and they would stop at nothing to get it.

No, Louise fit in with the Kid, he could provide her with things that Jimmy couldn't. She was safer with Kid, would live a long and happy life together with him and have the children she always intended. Jimmy couldn't give her that much, all he could give to her was this night of passion and desire. While it seemed that it was all she wanted at this time, Jimmy knew that it wouldn't be enough after a while. And it wouldn't be quite fair to Louise for Jimmy to marry her, though he would feel obligated to do so, and give her those children that she wished for, and then die in a gun battle only a few years later. No, Louise would marry Kid and Jimmy would never again cross the line of friendship with her.

"Goodnight, Louise," he whispered to her.

 

 

Teaspoon came sauntering out to meet the riders as they approached the station. A look of apprehension crossed the older man's face when he saw the distraught expression on Jimmy's face. He wanted to ask what happened but they launched into the story before he could speak.

"The Sioux raided Lincoln yesterday, Teaspoon," Louise related the tale from Red Deer, "They killed a lot of people, too. If it hadn't been for Jimmy getting us out of there in the nick of time, we'd be dead, too."

Jimmy noiselessly descended from his horse and advanced to the barn without word to anyone. Teaspoon nodded toward Lou and commended her and Jimmy for not sticking around, even though they were ordered to. He followed Jimmy with his eyes instead, glancing back at Lou for other details.

She offered no words and turned her horse toward the barn also, leaving the older gentleman to speculate about what transpired between them. Louise knew Teaspoon deserved a reason for both of their odd behaviors but she wasn't ready to talk about it right now. Instead, she quietly dismounted near the barn, not daring to venture inside to where Jimmy was caring for his own pony.

"Hey, Lou!" Kid shouted, "Glad you're back. Everything go okay?"

Louise forced a smile and hugged his neck, looking down at her feet. He looked so pleased to have her back that it brought more tears to her eyes and she refused to let any more of those escape her. She had to stop doing that or Kid would know that something was wrong. Besides, she couldn't turn into a crybaby now, not when she'd fought it for so many years.

"Glad to be back, Kid," she announced, punching his arm playfully, "Miss me?"

Kid glimpsed back over his shoulder and, seeing that no one was around, he planted a firm kiss on Louise's lips, his arms wrapped possessively about her waist. She cringed inside and made an effort to return her betrothed's devotions. But her heart just wasn't in it. Kid leaned back with a flustered scowl marring his forehead.

"Lou? Something wrong?" he asked when he felt her draw away from him.

She feigned a laugh and shot him a warning glance, easing his uncertainties for now.

"No, just that Teaspoon's around, he might see us," she lied, hoping to convince him, "Besides, I'm just tired is all. Rachel got supper ready?"

"Been waiting for you for a half hour. Come on!"

Kid gave her a beaming smile from ear to ear, took her by the hand and proceeded to lead her to the bunkhouse. Louise giggled and followed Kid, shaking her head at his silly antics. Though she no longer felt that she was in love with this man, Lou did love him in a unique way.

"I've got to tend to my horse, Kid," she protested, yanking back from him.

"Let Buck do it, he's already eaten," he replied, tugging harder, "It'll be just the two of us."

As if on cue, Buck appeared and grinned at them both, shaking his own head at the childish scene before him.

"Go on, Lou, Kid's right," he said, taking the reins from the post, "You both need time together. Besides, he's been about to make us all crazy since you left. If you don't go willingly, I'll be more than happy to drag you."

Louise laughed aloud and raised her hands in mock surrender, pursuing Kid into the bunkhouse. She sat down while Kid brought over the pot of rabbit stew that Rachel had made earlier and helped both their plates. Kid snickered as he remembered fighting with Cody for leftovers. If it were up to Cody, he'd have eaten the rest, leaving nothing for anyone.

"What's so funny?" she asked between mouthfuls.

"Nothing," Kid replied, "I just had to fight for this with Cody so you'd better make it last."

Both of them were absorbed in laughter when Jimmy walked inside. Immediately, the smile left Louise's face and she concentrated on finishing the stew, leaving Kid to question what brought on such a turn of events. Jimmy said nothing as he readied his bunk for an early night. Something had gone wrong and Kid vowed to get to the bottom of it.

"You two want to tell me what's going on?" he questioned, forgetting his supper and rising from the chair.

Jimmy never even looked their way while he changed into his long johns. Louise kept her eyes on her plate so as not to see what she knew was already there. Damn, but she missed Jimmy already!

"Nothing, Kid, Lou and me just had an argument and it's over now," he lied, praying that Kid would believe him, "Ain't that right, Lou?"

She nodded, "Yeah, Kid, no big deal."

Kid looked first at Jimmy and then at Louise. For some reason undisclosed to him, he didn't believe either one of them but that was beside the point. The point was and what mattered the most was the fact that they both were lying to him in order to cover something up. It was something much more severe than any disagreement. For now, he would let it rest. But he pledged to find out the truth very soon.

"I've got to get some sleep," Jimmy stated, climbing into his bunk, "Do you mind to hold the noise down?"

Louise got up from the table and set her plate down into the sink. She silently kissed Kid on the cheek, thanked him and moved toward the door, intent on heading over to Rachel's. Her mind seemed a whirlwind ever since they'd arrived and all she wanted to do was calm her thoughts in any way possible. Kid called a goodnight to her as she went out and she quietly closed the door behind her.

 

 

The next morning, Louise found Jimmy inside the barn when she went to check on her horse to see if she was ready for the next ride that afternoon. Apparently, Jimmy had other things on his mind because he never heard her come in. She didn't want to sneak up on him so she did the only thing she could do, she cleared her throat and loudly.

Jimmy spun around and saw Louise standing near the door, a hint of blush coloring her cheeks, a bright sparkle in her lovely, brown eyes. He stood unmoving, letting the moment pass before he spoke and when he did, his words came a good deal harsher than he intended.

"How come you disappeared last night after supper?" he scolded, regretting that he'd done so, "I didn't think Kid would ever shut up and let me sleep. What's wrong with you anyway?"

Immediately, Louise grew annoyed and, with each word from Jimmy's mouth, that anger turned into a near rage. How dare he speak to her like that? What did he think was going through her mind? Did he think this was all just a game to her, something to make Kid jealous or something? Well, it wasn't and she planned on proving that point to him very abruptly.

"What's wrong with me?" she shouted, loud enough to startle the horses and bringing a defiant stare from his direction, "I should be asking you the same thing, James Hickok. You're the one who struts around her like nothing happened and you're asking me what's wrong with me. Oh, that makes just perfect sense. You've got more brains than that, now, and I'd appreciate it if you'd show it!"

Jimmy strode toward her, his face coming closer until they stood nose-to-nose. His heart hammered fiercely in his chest and he feared that it might explode if he so much as touched her. Louise was fuming mad and rightfully so; she had every cause to be. But the warm, soft breath from her lips rushed across his face like rain, lukewarm and comforting. It cascaded across his cheeks and down his sensitive neck where she'd kissed him so gently not one day before. That thought brought life to Jimmy's already frustrated nature and he cursed her seduction, though it wasn't intentional.

"I…Lou," he muttered, feeling like a fool in view of the fact that she could do this to him so easily, "You'd better get out of here."

Louise was taken aback by his response, her brows crossed and she folded her arms across her chest. She wasn't leaving until this was set to right and Jimmy would not win this time. He would confess his thoughts about her or she would walk, it was as simple as that.

"Jimmy, I came here to talk to you," she began with an edge still to her voice, "And I'm not leaving until I get some answers. You're not bullying your way out of this one and I mean it."

Jimmy took a few steps back, away from her, away from the closeness of her body that he well remembered beneath his unrestrained, rigid flesh. The softness of her skin, the tempting, sweetness of her lips, the way she all but pleaded with him to take her and make her his own. He couldn't stand to be here, wanted to be anyplace else but alone in the barn here with her and what his mind was thinking of doing to her. This couldn't happen again, he'd sworn to that when they parted earlier. Yet, his skin blazed and his entire being grew to life once again with a tremendous need and desire to hold her in his arms and carry out that which he'd backed away from. If she stood this close to him much longer, stayed her with him one more minute, Jimmy's resolve would finally break and he'd fall to his knees, begging her to let him make love to her.

"You have to go, Lou, please," he implored, his back turning to her and compelling himself to be irritated with her, "Don't give me a reason to do something I've got half a mind to anyway. Just go!"

His last ruthless words surprised Louise and she stopped moving, stopped breathing. Why did he feel it necessary to shout at her when all she wanted to do was tell Jimmy that she wanted only him and things would work out somehow? Why was he intent on destroying her heart this way? Didn't he feel anything, anything at all? Had she only anticipated the loving gaze he bestowed upon her the night they'd almost made love together? Was it all an act simply to get what he wanted? Is that what she was to him?

"Fine!" she all but screamed, her hands clenching at her sides as he turned to face her, "But don't come running to me ever again, James Hickok, don't you dare! I understand what it is you want, though I never thought it would come from you. How could you do that to me, how could you think that of me? I've been running from that name for years and now it's finally caught up to me, I guess. I'm no whore, Jimmy, regardless of what you believe after last night. If you must know, though it's none of your damn business, Kid was the first one…the first one I gave myself to willingly."

Why did she need to prove herself to him? Why was she pouring all these emotions out, laying them down on the table for him to see? Because she treasured him in spite of everything, even if he branded her the one thing she hated, a whore.

"And I'll tell you something else, Jimmy," she sobbed, surrendering one last time to this torrent of tears, "Whether you believe this or not, it doesn't matter now, does it? You're the one I've always wanted to be with."

Louise turned and ran from him then, leaving Jimmy to stand overwhelmed by her outburst. But he was even more astounded by the final words she'd spoken. Could it be true? Had he imagined those last three words? No. Louise said she fancied him, had actually confessed that she desired him instead of Kid and he'd been horrible to her. Why? Why had he always succeeded in driving away the ones he cared about the most? What in hell was he so afraid of? Time and again, he used the excuse of his life and how it could all end tomorrow but Jimmy didn't think that was entirely true. He had no motive, none that he could think of anyway. But there was without end a threatening terror behind his motivations; he just wished he knew what frightened him so persistently.

 

 

Kid stood at the doorway to the main house and watched in confusion as Louise bolted from the barn and ran to Rachel's house. Straight away, he gave chase, calling out to her only to be either ignored or forgotten. What in the hell had offended her so? Who made her cry like that? Louise wasn't a crybaby; she was a very strong-willed woman who hadn't shown that much feeling since she was a young girl. Kid stopped in his tracks as he saw Jimmy emerge from the barn, knowing that words had passed between them. He made his way over and demanded answers from Jimmy without room for justification.

"Kid, I told you last night, we argued and, for some reason, I let my anger get the best of me," Jimmy lied again, hating himself inside for doing it, "I said some things I shouldn't have and I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Jimmy, I don't know what's gotten into the both of you," Kid shouted, standing face-to-face with Jimmy, daring him to make one wrong move, "But it stops now, do you understand what I'm saying to you? You don't talk to her, you don't look at her, and you don't even so much as breathe in her direction, have you got that?"

Jimmy smirked and snickered, nodded his agreement and moved past Kid to the main house, his knees weak from the conversation with Louise. Nothing mattered much anymore, not even a bullet from Kid's gun could stop the feelings he had at this moment. Kid had lost Louise to Jimmy and he didn't even know it yet. Well, there would be a time and place for everything, Jimmy thought, but this wasn't it. Not yet. Not today.

If Louise and Kid both wished to exist without his presence, then he'd be more than happy to oblige them. Teaspoon had informed him of a run up to Mankato and Jimmy decided then that he would accept the ride. Let her see what it would be like to be without him for about a week. He wanted to make her feel the way he'd felt that night when he longed to reach out and touch her, hold her close to his heart, hold her body close to his in a way that he sometimes feared. If she so longed for him, the time away would make her see that she belonged with Jimmy, not Kid. Jimmy hadn't felt that way last night but her admission had changed all of that. Now, he just purely wished to make it or break it. And he couldn't wait to see what would materialize during his absence.

 

 

He sat down at the bar after his three-day run and ordered a sarsaparilla, ignoring the puzzled expression on the bartender's face. He hadn't come here to drink, only to see what this town had in store for him. Tonight, there was a dance in town and James Butler Hickok planned to attend in full attire.

"Hey, mister," a gruff voice spoke from behind him, "Don't I know you?"

Jimmy turned to see a grizzled old man with dirty clothes and a bottle of whiskey in his wrinkled hand. He examined the guest and shook his head, recalling that he had indeed seen this man somewhere before. It was just that he couldn't place him anywhere.

"No, I don't think so," Jimmy replied in a friendly tone, "You live here?"

The old man laughed then, a harsh, wheezing sound that caused Jimmy to think the man was dying or very ill.

"Son, I don't live anywhere," he explained when he saw Jimmy's bewilderment, "I live out there. Wherever I go, that's where I am. Used to live in Virginia, though, long time ago."

Jimmy liked the new stranger and nodded toward a vacant seat. For some unknown reason, he was interested in what the man had to say. Jimmy couldn't quite identify with it but it was there all the same.

"Thank you, kindly, young man," he said, grunting as he sat down, "Name's Louis. Louis Jameson."

"James…Butler," Jimmy storied, not wanting the news to spread that Wild Bill was in town, "Nice to meet you. I ride for the Pony Express and I was passing through. Thought I'd see what this place is all about."

"Yeah, Mankato's a pretty good place, nice folk," Louis said, taking a shot of the whiskey, "Say you ride with the Pony Express, well, you're a lucky man. Get to travel all over, do you?"

Jimmy nodded again, watching the saloon patrons grow rowdier by the minute. They were involved in a card game and it appeared to him that the man in the black coat was cheating the other players. Jimmy's eyes were keen on this sort of thing and he never missed a swindler. As he talked to the old man, Jimmy found himself studying the peculiar man more closely to see when he would be caught.

"Our station's over in Rock Creek," Jimmy explained, never taking his eyes off the trickster, "I took this run way out here to get away from things, take a breather, you might say."

"Well," Louis roared a bit too loudly, "Can't blame a man for that, now, can you? Say, I still say you look familiar to me, I just can't quite figure it out."

Jimmy came clean of his own thoughts from their meeting, "Yeah, mister, so do you. But I don't know where it came from. All I know is, it's been nice talking to you. I've got to go get my room now, so if you don't mind…"

"Sure, son, sure," Louis yelled aloud, turning the heads of some of the people, "See you later at the dance, alright?"

Jimmy agreed and basically bolted from the room. For a split second, he didn't think he'd make it out of there alive. Something foreboding and damn near fear-provoking had slapped him in the face before he realized what was happening. And it had something to do with the old man and the cheater over in the corner. What was going on? Could he be dreaming? No, this was real, much too real for his liking and Jimmy found that he wanted nothing more than to go home tonight. Right now!

Several people milled about outside the saloon, casting wary glances in Jimmy's direction as he burst out through the swinging doors. At once, he felt all eyes turn on him, staring at him as if he were someone to be dreaded. It seemed that no one in this town took kindly to outsiders passing through and the firearms strapped to his thighs were of no help at all. Quickly, he made his way to the stables and paid the keeper what he owed for tending his horse. Jimmy mounted in a flash and was riding out past the last building when the old man stepped outside.

"Yeah, boy, I've seen you before," he muttered to himself, "And chances are, I'll be seeing you again."

 

 

 

"Jimmy!" Rachel shouted, "Welcome back, didn't expect to see you again so soon."

Jimmy bounded from the horse as soon as it came to a halt. He ran to Rachel and, with a fleeting look over his shoulder, knew that it would be safe to talk to her about Lou. She stared at him as if he'd gone insane and maybe he had. But it was all Louise's fault and he needed to find her, to set this matter straight, once and for all. If it was Jimmy she wanted, then he would happily oblige her, no questions asked. If he couldn't have the one woman he loved with all his heart, then he couldn't turn her offer down.

Rachel had always wanted the opportunity to know Jimmy Hickok better than she ever should. There was something about this man that Rachel hadn't been able to figure out and she almost certainly never would. She wasn't sure if it was the dark, mysterious, and dangerous Jimmy that attracted her or the scared but loveable young man that she wanted to rescue.

"Rachel," Jimmy said as he grasped her arms and looked into her eyes, "I need to find Lou, where is she?"

"Jimmy, I don't think we should talk here," she whispered, "Let's go over to my house and we'll finish this there. You go get cleaned up and I'll see you in a while."

Jimmy ran inside the bunkhouse and grabbed his clean clothes, rushed through his bath and was knocking on Rachel's door before his hair had time to dry. He was anxious, very irritated and he didn't understand why Rachel kept putting him off. What had happened while he'd been away? Where was Lou and why didn't Rachel just tell him?

"Come in, Jimmy, have a seat," she offered, shrugging when he refused politely, "I don't think you're going to like what I have to tell you. Are you sure you want to know?"

Right away, Jimmy's heart sank to his knees and all the wind was knocked from him. He felt the slap in his face and reacted too late. It was too late. Rachel didn't even need to speak the words. Jimmy knew he'd been too late, waited much too long and played one too many games with her. Louise had chosen and she chose the Kid. That was it. It was over and it was his own fault. And, now, he was utterly alone.

"Jimmy? Are you alright?" Rachel said nervously, tugging his arm when he didn't answer, "Here, sit down. Can I do anything?"

Rachel had worried for the last two days that this would come about. She knew that Jimmy would take the news far better coming from her than from anyone else and that's why she volunteered to tell him about Louise and the Kid. But she didn't need to say anything; he saw it in her eyes. Rachel immediately felt sorry for him, sitting there with that stunned and disheartened look on his face, the disbelief and loss in his dark and soulful, brown eyes. What she wouldn't give to be able to comfort him but there were no words she could utter to take away the enormous hurting he was feeling right now. Rachel wished secretly that it were she that he loved and how magnificent their love could be, if only given the opportunity. But that chance was gone, Louise had smashed his pride so profoundly that she doubted he would ever recuperate from this severe injury.

A knock echoed through the small room, startling both Rachel and Jimmy. Rachel got up to answer it and was surprised to see an older gentleman that she'd never seen before. He attempted to smile at her but he appeared menacing.

"Can I help you?" she inquired as graciously as possible under the circumstances.

"Ma'am, I'm looking for a man by the name of James Butler," the familiar voice reached Jimmy's ears and he stood behind the door, "Said he rode for the Pony Express out of Rock Creek. Don't reckon by any chance that you know him? My name's Louis Jameson."

Rachel averted her gaze toward Jimmy and he shook his head violently. She turned back toward the man and gave her apologies.

"I'm sorry, mister, no one lives here by that name," she fibbed, feeling Jimmy's hand wrap around hers on the other side of the door and the warm sensations his gloved hand resting on hers caused inside, "Are you sure he said Rock Creek? There are a lot of Pony Express stations near here."

Louis shook his head, frowned deeply and shrugged, "No, he said Rock Creek, alright. Guess I'll look over in town and see if he's over there. Thank you kindly for your help, ma'am."

"Sorry I couldn't do more," Rachel replied, watching him amble back in the direction of his horse.

They waited until he was out of sight and then Jimmy spoke up, recounting why he'd lied to the man in the first place and then the story came out in a hurry.

"I didn't want everyone there knowing Wild Bill was around so I just used my first and second name," he informed her, "Besides, Rachel, he knows me from someplace and I recognized him too after a few minutes. I just don't know where from and I don't think I care to. Something about that whole town gave me a bad feeling and I couldn't wait to get out of there and come back to…"

Jimmy stopped, his head dropping down miserably at the thought of Louise and the cold, hard fact that he'd missed his one possibility by proving a stupid point. How could he have been so addle-minded? Why hadn't he been brave enough to grab her and kiss her tears away that day, stating without a doubt that he yearned for her all this time and just as much if not more than she? Why did he always have to be so damn stubborn?

Rachel wished that Louise had given him one last attempt to right his wrongs. She understood that Jimmy had been cruel and vindictive in the things that he said to her, but she should have waited until his return and tell him of her plans in person. Instead, she left it up to the others to break the news to Jimmy.

"Jimmy, I know how you must be feeling and I want to say I'm sorry that it turned out like this," she said barely above a whisper, "I wish…I wish things had been different."

If only he knew how truthful she wished that to be. If she'd had the good fortune to be admired by Jimmy, she never would have up and left to marry someone else.

Jimmy looked up and straight into Rachel's eyes, his dark gaze turning into a violent storm, a rage beyond control and she directly sat back away from his reach. Never had she seen him act this way and it scared her that there was so much anger and hostility inside his spirit. How tormented was this man? How many demons were tearing away at him all the time? Who instigated this hatred inside Jimmy Hickok's heart? Rachel didn't know and she didn't want to.

"Not your fault, Rachel, it's mine for being so headstrong that I didn't see it coming," he disagreed with her, tears brimming on his dark lashes and he fought them, "I deserved this and we both know it."

"Now, that's not true, Jimmy, no one deserves to have their heart ripped from their chest," she countered, taking his hand in hers and staring deep into the sad, angry depths of his brown eyes, "What happened, happened and I don't really think there was much to be done about it. Maybe you ought to think about things not being what you thought they were. Don't mean to pry and I'm not asking for any explanations but just maybe it wasn't all that it seemed."

Rachel could be right, maybe this whole thing was nothing more than a game to Lou, a way to make the Kid so jealous of her attention toward Jimmy that he carted her off to marry her. And there was nothing Jimmy could do to stop them. Well, hell and damnation, if that's what she wanted then more power to her. He didn't really care much one way or the other what happened now. For all he knew, Louise had only been playing with his emotions. Right now, he just wanted to be left alone.

"If that's what she wants, then so be it!" Jimmy yelled, standing to his feet and moving toward the door, "Who am I, anyway, to say that she can't have what she wants?"

"Jimmy…" Rachel began, but was instantly cut off.

"Forget it, Rachel, don't you worry none, I'm staying," he said strongly, emphasizing his words, "It would have to be more than just that to make me leave. I belong here, Rachel. For the first time in my life, I can actually say I fit in someplace. And Louise and Kid and no one else can never take that away from me!"

The slamming of the door caused Rachel to give a start noticeably. She listened as his footfalls faded away and sat down on the sofa. Rachel envied Louise, not for marrying Kid, but for holding a special place in James Hickok's heart. How desperately Rachel wished it were herself. So many nights, she'd longed to go to Jimmy, to tell him what was in her heart and how much she loved him so. Though he only came to her as a friend, Rachel saw much more than that, she saw the one man she wanted to be with eternally.

But, that wasn't to be, she thought sadly. There were too many things at stake, their jobs for one. And Rachel had the ominous impression that Jimmy wouldn't feel the same toward her no matter what. True, Jimmy cared for Rachel, but she didn't think he could ever find it in his heart to be in love with her the way she so wanted him to. It would be a physical relationship and nothing more. Some things in life just weren't meant to be and Rachel resolved herself to the truth that she and Jimmy could never fully be what she wanted them to be. Man and wife.

 

 

 

Louise sat down on the edge of her bed and awaited Kid's return. She wrung her hands nervously and sorted through the wild thoughts that ran rampant in her head. If only she could be certain that she was doing the right thing in coming here to Seneca with Kid so that they could be alone. She knew what would happen next and Louise wasn't sure if she was ready for this commitment. Especially after what had occurred between her and Jimmy.

Kid knew that Louise had feelings for Jimmy but he also could attest to the fact that she didn't love him, not the way she loved Kid. He understood her attraction to the gunfighter but if he didn't get her away from Jimmy's clutches and force Louise to forget her infatuation, Kid would lose her indefinitely and that was one heartbreak he couldn't afford. Kid loved Louise with everything he was and ever would be and the only chance he had at holding onto her was to ask her to marry him. It was risky, he knew that, but it seemed the only way.

Louise started when the knock came and she went to open the door. The sight before her took her breath away! There stood the one man who loved her, the man she had loved for so many years, and he was dressed impeccably. That old hat Kid always wore had been discarded and his dark, brown hair was combed back neatly and it framed his smiling face in waves. The suit he donned was unlike anything she'd ever seen him in and she liked the way the black material contrasted to his crisp, clean white shirt. For the first time since Louise had met Kid, she noticed that his guns weren't strapped to his hips. He'd really taken pains to see to it that he impressed her and impress her he had.

"Shall we?" he whispered, offering his arm and proceeding to escort her downstairs.

Kid could barely contain himself when he caught sight of Louise in the lovely, pale green dress. Her hair was pulled up above her neck and dainty earrings hung from her ears. The glow that radiated from her face and her eyes outshone the garment and Kid couldn't recall ever seeing Louise looking more beautiful than she did right then. He considered himself to be the luckiest man alive at that moment.

She nodded and they continued down into the lobby, passing an old man near the desk. He appeared to be arguing with the man behind it. Louise glanced at him, thinking how crass and dirty he looked. Kid never even paid any attention to the fuss, his eyes glued completely to the lovely woman on his arm. Pride swelled within his chest and he hoped that other men would feel jealous of him. He loved Louise beyond any and all comprehension and it showed in his eyes and radiated from his smiling face.

"I've already been to the Pony Express station," the old man argued, "They said he might be here."

"I'm sorry, sir, I have no one here by that name," the man countered, growing more irritated by the minute.

Louise tugged on Kid's arm and pulled him back into the room, her eyes darting to the stranger who mentioned their home. She whispered so that only Kid heard her.

"He said he's looking for someone out at the station," she explained, "I think we should ask who it is."

Kid agreed and they approached him as Kid spoke first, "Say, mister, I'm from the Rock Creek station, maybe I can help."

Louis turned around and smiled at the two, thankful that someone was willing to give him some answers. He shook Kid's hand and introduced himself, bowing like a gentleman to the young lady. Louise giggled softly and returned the favor.

"I was in Mankato a few days back and met a young man by the name of James Butler," he said, walking outside along with them, "Don't reckon you'd know him?"

Kid and Lou looked at each other, confused that he only mentioned part of Jimmy's name. There must have been some sort of reason for Jimmy to do that so there was just one thing they could do. They had to deny knowing him.

"Sorry, mister, I hate to tell you this but I don't know a James Butler," Kid lied, still puzzled by Jimmy's actions, "Wish there was more that we could do."

Louis grumbled his thanks and sauntered off down the street, leaving Kid and Louise in a complete state of confusion. Something had happened in Mankato, Louise was sure of it. But, what was it? And why did Jimmy feel the need to hide from this stranger? Was this man a part of Jimmy's past? What could he be running from this time? Louise needed answers and she would have to question Jimmy once she returned and made things right between them.

Kid didn't say much during supper and Louise found it even more difficult to bring the subject up. She had no idea how to begin. If only Kid would say something, anything, she would have a start in the conversation. Quietly, she cleared her throat and caught his attention. He looked at her from across the table and smiled, taking her hand in his.

"I'm sorry, Lou, it just doesn't seem right for Jimmy to hide something like that," he explained, "I can't help but wonder if it has something to do with his past. Do you think that man's trying to hunt him down to right some kind of wrong?"

"I don't know, Kid," Louise said, shrugging, "We'll find out when we get back, I guess."

"Yeah, I guess so," he conceded to that fact that it couldn't be helped right now, "How's your meal? Do you need anything?"

Louise shook her head and smiled at Kid. She knew that it wouldn't be long before she had to tell him what was going on inside of her heart. She had to tell Kid that things weren't like they were before, things had changed and there was a new life waiting for her just around the corner…and she wanted him to be a part of it.

Silence once again surrounded them and Kid played with the food on his plate. He'd brought Louise here tonight to ask her to become his wife, yet he had no idea as to how he was going to put it into words. His heart beat wildly in his chest and the shirt he wore began to suffocate him with each breath. Kid was terrified of taking this giant leap but he saw no other alternative. Either he proposed to Louise now or he risked losing her in the future. He loved her, loved her with everything he knew and wanted but there was a fear he couldn't explain. A fear that weighed on his heart at the thought of saying those few little words.

When they were finished, Kid suggested a walk about town and Louise agreed. She didn't want to cause a scene inside the restaurant. Things would work out much better if they were alone, or at least not in immediate company. She took his arm and together they stepped out into the brisk, night air and into the future.

 

 

 

 

Clouds of fog, thick and dense filled his mind, imprisoning his thoughts and seizing his brain. He fought the scenes before him, tried to close his eyes to the destruction and close his ears to the loud voices he heard from within. Crashing sounds of glass shattered all around him, a woman screamed and he covered his ears with both hands, shaking from fear and the cold blast of air. Someone, a man, yelled in a drunken slur, and two large, calloused hands grabbed his arms and lifted him from underneath the bed. He felt weightless, as if he were falling, swinging to and fro while the hands carried him across the room. He could see his mother reaching for him, remembered seeing the large, angry welt across her cheek as she cried for him, the imprint of the man's hand vivid on her tiny face. He reached back for her and, just as their fingers touched, the hand flew out and struck her, sending her flying backwards into the wall, rendering her unconscious. He cried out for her, scared of the idea that she might be dead. A gruff voice entered his nightmare, then, frightening him so badly that he felt a warmth trickle down his legs and he was terribly ashamed. But, that voice! It was so familiar to him, so terrifying to him that he screamed and screamed until there was no air left in his little lungs. All he could do was wheeze and cry. The last thing that happened was the swing of the great hand coming toward him and Jimmy remembered nothing else.

"Jimmy?" a woman's voice whispered to him from inside his head, "Jimmy, wake up."

Jimmy screamed piercingly into the night but it wasn't a man's cry, it was the shriek of a small boy. He shot up from his bunk rapidly and came face-to-face with Rachel and the others. Sweat glistened on his forehead and tiny rivulets ran down his chest. He couldn't breathe and his heart seemed to beat so fast that it would bound from his chest any minute. At once, Jimmy was embarrassed that everyone had witnessed this terror inside his head. He quickly made apologies for waking them.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to cause such fuss," he whispered, wiping his face, "What's everybody looking at? Go on back to sleep, it's nothing."

Rachel was the first to speak up, "You all go on back to bed. Everything's alright now."

Jimmy looked at her with such desperation that it caused Rachel to see what lay inside his soul, see what possessed him to cry out the way he did. She knew it, recognized it for what it was and wanted to tell him so. She'd been through the same hell; the same degrading feelings that always seemed to follow something like this. Rachel knew then that Jimmy had suffered some sort of abuse as a boy and his mind had set it aside, cast it into the deep, dark recesses of his mind so that his heart wouldn't feel tortured anymore. She knew and she understood.

"Are you alright, Jimmy?" she asked, her gentle hands wiping the sweat from his face as he gasped for air.

Jimmy nodded, his body feeling cold and his brain detached from his surroundings. What in hell was that all about? Had that really happened or had it merely been a nightmare? He tried to force the images from behind his eyes but they wouldn't go away, no matter how hard he fought. No, it had to have been real but why and how had he forgotten such a thing? Had he been keeping this from himself all these years, hiding it so that he wouldn't be afraid of it anymore? Was it the reason he constantly ran from everything that frightened him?

Rachel fetched a cool, wet cloth and brought it to him, lightly placing it against his cheek. Jimmy looked at her and the tenderness in her eyes as she watched over him made him want to break down and cry. His own mother had looked at him in the exact same way so many times. And, now, he knew the reasons why, only he didn't want to believe it.

Jimmy saw the sorrow and compassion in Rachel's face and it became too much for him to bear. He shoved past her and bolted from his bed, nearly running for the door. He needed air, he needed to breathe, and there wasn't enough room inside the house for him to catch his breath. Rachel followed Jimmy outside and stood silently beside him, waiting for his next move. She knew that it would be anger and she was ready for it.

"Rachel…" he rasped, his arms crossed protectively around his broad chest, "I don't…what's happening to me?"

She cast all of her feelings for Jimmy Hickok aside and reached for him as his friend. She wrapped her arms around him, feeling his body tremble and shudder, feeling him attempt to draw away from her. But, she wasn't about to let go, Jimmy needed this, needed to know that she understood what terrible things were inside his head and bursting from his heart.

Jimmy tried to break free of Rachel's hold on him, wrestled from her grasp but she held fast and didn't release him. He instantly felt caged, trapped and he wanted to yank away from anything that held him at this point. For some reason he hadn't understood until tonight, Jimmy Hickok couldn't remember the last time he'd been truly embraced by someone other than his mother. At first, he fought against the warm, pleasant sensations it provided, but after a few minutes, he surrendered to the comfort of Rachel's embrace. Slowly, he eased his arms around her and encircled her waist; almost delighting in the soothing, relaxing wave of relief that seemed to work it's way into his heart. At once, he tightened his grip, holding her closer and closer yet, still.

Rachel spoke no words; she didn't have to say anything for Jimmy to hear her talking to his heart. She'd always kept her distance because of his feelings for Louise but, this time, Jimmy really needed someone. And she was glad to have been that someone, if only for a moment. Though, she wouldn't take advantage of him, Rachel couldn't help but silently convey her overpowering, all-consuming love for him. She only hoped that he heard it.

Finally, Rachel spoke softly into Jimmy's ear, her breath tickling his neck the way Louise had done. The innocent action sent warm shivers down his back and he felt very strange at having those feelings toward Rachel again after he'd pushed them away. He wanted her so badly, loved her so infinitely and knew without being told that Rachel would never belong to him, not the way he so desperately needed.

"Everything's going to be alright, now, Jimmy," she reassured, "It's going to be a little different."

Jimmy leaned into her, pressing against her and his restless spirit calmed just to feel the sensation of her arms around him. He found that he didn't want to let go. In fact, he quite enjoyed the closeness of her body next to his, her breath on his skin. Though he could never progress any further, Jimmy had always wondered if Rachel had felt that way about him. He'd often caught her looking at him in a longing sort of way and he had to confess that he felt an attraction to her when she'd first arrived. But, after she set them straight on their behavior and what she wouldn't tolerate from anyone of them, Jimmy decided to remain distant. And the longer he stayed away, the stronger his love for her became.

And, that's when he began to have feelings for Louise. Jimmy wanted Louise but she was gone, now. In all honesty and truth, Jimmy wondered if he'd forced his feelings for Rachel onto Louise. Could it be that he'd actually wished it had been Rachel he was about to make love to? He remembered seeing her face that night as things were progressing steadily further. But, Rachel? No that could never happen, she wouldn't allow it and he was better off to forget about her.

Rachel slowly realized that Jimmy's embrace had taken on a different feeling, a feeling that thrilled her and frightened her all at once. She hadn't meant for this to take place, not now and not when things were so complicated. She drew away, thinking that this wasn't the right time or the right place for her to accept his implications, whatever they might be. Jimmy needed sympathy, but not that way and Rachel wondered if he had confused them. Jimmy stared at her with such puzzlement that Rachel knew he had indeed done so.

"Jimmy, I think we need to talk," she whispered, taking a seat on the porch swing.

"I don't…" he began, the images from his dream instantly reappearing, "I don't want to talk about it, Rachel and I don't want to remember anymore."

She patted the wood next to her and Jimmy conceded, sitting much closer than she would have liked.

"You're going to have to sooner or later," she announced, placing her hand on his and squeezing gently, "Let me tell you something, Jimmy, something no one else knows but you and me. It happened to me, too, a long time ago when I was married. I was sixteen and in love and I thought he hung the moon and the stars. My mama and papa hated him, couldn't stand to see him come near the house and finally forbade him to step foot on our land. Well, stubborn and headstrong as I was, I continued seeing him against my family's wishes and eventually we ran off and got married."

Jimmy sat still and quiet as he listened to Rachel's story. He knew what she would tell him and he felt an anger well up inside of him at the thought that someone could actually hurt her. How any man in his right mind could ever raise his hand to this fine, attractive woman was beyond his comprehension.

"Oh, Jimmy, you should have seen him," she went on, "He was so handsome, so charming and he was trouble, too. He was a man that all the ladies wanted and he chose me. Over all of them, he chose me! I couldn't believe it! Well, like I said, we ran off and married and I was in heaven…for a while."

He waited and when she remained silent, Jimmy placed his other hand on top of hers and looked into her bright, green eyes as they filled with tears. She swallowed hard and they fell down her cheeks like streams. Jimmy reached up and wiped at them, though it did no good. Rachel smiled through her tears and apologized for them.

"I didn't know," she said, a sob taking her breath momentarily, "I didn't know how to please him, not like he wanted. I don't like telling you this, Jimmy, but you have to understand that these things that happen are not our fault. Anyway, he got bored with me and went to find other women, women who were paid to know things like that. And, of course, you can't have them without having a few drinks, too. He turned from the handsome, loving man I thought I knew and became a monster when he drank. He'd come home in the early hours of the morning and start yelling at me because I hadn't made breakfast, yet. Then, his yelling and screaming would turn into slapping and downright punching."

Jimmy stared at Rachel, open-mouthed, unable to believe that a woman such as herself would have tolerated this mistreatment. He never would have expected it.

"This went on for about a year because I was so afraid that he would kill me if I left him," she explained, feeling Jimmy throw his arm around her shoulder and pull her to him, "Then, one night, I realized that he couldn't hurt me anymore than he already had and it didn't matter if he did kill me, I wanted out. He went off on one of his rages and started hitting me when he saw that my bags were packed and this time I fought back. I had made supper earlier that evening and there was a knife on the table that I used to cut the bread. He hit me so hard, I thought I heard something snap and I guess it did. The next thing I remember, I was standing over him and watching the pool of blood spill around his chest. I don't remember doing it, but I held that knife in my hand. They found us the next morning and, of course, I went to jail. That's where I was before I came here."

"They let you go?" he whispered, amazed that this had actually happened to Rachel.

She nodded and leaned her head over on his shoulder, closing her eyes and sighing deeply. Jimmy knew that she understood him, now. He knew that she'd been to hell and back and he appreciated the fact that she appeared to be the stronger for having survived it, as was he. And he knew the time had come for him to tell the long lost story of his own hellish nightmare, only it hadn't been a nightmare, it was too real.

Jimmy's heart was filled with shame as he remembered every vivid detail of night after night of horrible violence. He didn't know if he could express it with mere words, the way Rachel had done. It was almost as if he was afraid of the hands that seemed to follow him wherever he went. It was as if the owner of those hands stood in wait for him, just around the corner, to leap out at him when he least expected. This thought caused Jimmy to glance over his shoulder at nothing, if only to be certain that he and Rachel were entirely alone.

"I don't want to tell anyone, Rachel," Jimmy declared, feeling her eyes fall upon him, "I know you don't understand why. And I won't ever tell anyone what you've told me here tonight. But I just don't think I'm as strong as you."

Now. Rachel knew that the time was now for her to say that which she wanted to say ever since she'd met Jimmy Hickok. It was the only thing she could do. He had the right to know how she felt and, if nothing else, it would help him to know that he couldn't ever change her mind, no matter what.

Jimmy saw and then felt Rachel's soft, smooth hands reach up and gently caress his face. He could only stare at her, unbelieving what he saw in her face, what he knew was in her heart. He'd all but heard what she hadn't said and it seemed unreal that she could feel this way. Was he imagining or anticipating that she looked at him this way? Had those emotions flooding through her eyes always been there and gone unnoticed by him? But how could Jimmy have missed such a powerful, impassioned love?

"Jimmy Hickok, I have always loved you," she confessed, wondering where the fear of finally telling him this had gone, "I guess I've loved you from the minute I first set eyes on you but there was not a thing I could do about it. I needed this job and if I let on how I felt, then Teaspoon would have probably fired me back then. Besides, you weren't the only one I had to set straight, if you remember correctly. And…"

Rachel loved him. Jimmy heard her words and still couldn't accept them. How could someone, anyone like Rachel, love a man like Jimmy? It seemed impossible. All those times he wished she'd given him the chance to tell her how he felt and now she at last admitted that she loved him throughout the whole duration. For once in his life, Jimmy found himself to be completely speechless.

"And, Jimmy, there's nothing you can say or do to me that will ever change how much I love you," she concluded, holding her breath and awaiting his reaction.

She needn't wait long.

Jimmy touched Rachel's face, gently pulling her lips to meet with his and he kissed her very lightly, a soft kiss that sent his heart to racing the moment he felt her return his affections. He didn't kiss her the way he had Louise, this was different, almost fragile and he didn't want to break the spell. Rachel nuzzled against his warm skin, relishing in the feeling that coursed throughout her entire body and Jimmy squirmed in his seat at the touch of her lips just below his jaw line. He pressed his fingertips against her chin and brought her sweet mouth toward his again, savoring the honeyed taste of her passionate offerings.

"Rachel," he muttered, feeling her hands running through his hair, "I thought…"

"I know," she finished his sentence, "You thought I'd never let this happen. Well, I couldn't. Not when I saw the way you and Louise looked at each other and I wasn't about to ruin it by coming between you two."

Jimmy knew that this was his sole opportunity to make his passions known and he would waste not one second longer.

"Rachel, what you don't understand is that I love you," he divulged, "True, I wanted to be with Lou and I care about her but we all know she should be with Kid. You're the one I always wanted; you're the one I always loved. Guess I was just afraid to tell you."

She felt his large, strong arms envelop her safely in his grasp and Rachel sensed a relief in her heart at last. All this time, all those nights when she wanted to run to Jimmy, he would have welcomed her with open arms. Why hadn't she just taken the chance and done so? And, now, her dreams had come true. The one man she loved with all her heart and soul had confessed to her that he loved her secretly, as she had done. There could be no turning back. Not now, not ever.

 

 

"I couldn't have been more than about five," he began, Rachel sitting quietly next to him, "But I remember it clearly, like it was yesterday. I remember hearing them breaking things and shouting, their voices were so loud and I tried to cover my ears but I could still hear the sound of his hand across her face. He was drunk again and he always took it out on us."

"Jimmy, who is he? Is it your father?" she whispered, placing her hand on his shoulder.

Jimmy shrugged, "I don't know, Rachel, I don't think so. They don't sound the same. But what I can't understand is why my mother would have been with someone else. She just wasn't like that."

"I know," Rachel said, "You've told me about her before and she seemed like a good person."

Jimmy nodded, thinking of how much he desperately missed her and the love and comfort she always bestowed upon him. His mother had favored him and Jimmy knew it. He'd always thought it was because he'd been her first-born son, but now he wasn't sure of her reasons for doting on him the way she had. Jimmy couldn't help but believe it was something more, something hidden and horrifying.

"I can't see his face," he concluded, closing his eyes to the images that protruded into his brain, "But I was afraid of his hands. I can still see them, reaching out to grab me and how much they hurt. God, Rachel, I can't!"

For the first time since they'd met over a year ago, Rachel saw Jimmy cry. He made no sound as his tears fell, only drew very deep breaths, causing his whole body to quake and tremble. She remained silent, stroking his hair and caressing his hand in hers. She knew there was more to Jimmy's story and she knew that it must've been a horrid thing for him not to talk about it. Rachel couldn't recall ever seeing him this hysterical. Maybe it hadn't been the right thing for her to do in coaxing Jimmy to talk about the past. Perhaps it only spurred the wrong reaction from him.

"Jimmy, we don't have to talk about it anymore," Rachel soothed, her heart breaking with each tear that fell across his face, "Maybe we shouldn't do this at all."

Jimmy turned to Rachel and the look in his eyes terrified her. He saw something that she didn't and the pure, unadulterated rage that shone in his dark gaze made her flinch backwards and away from him. He didn't appear to notice that she was no longer near him and she watched in horror as he flew from his seat, nearly toppling her over in the swing.

"Jimmy?"

She couldn't do anything except stare in shock when Jimmy reached for the chair and sailed it crashing through the window. Glass shattered in all directions, even around him but he didn't seem to care. Rachel stood from her seat and eased down from the porch, afraid of what he might do next. She could hear the pounding of feet rushing to the door and she saw Teaspoon emerge first.

"Don't go near him!" she screamed in warning, drawing a stunned expression from Teaspoon and the other riders.

Everyone stood completely still, holding their breath and staring in amazement as Jimmy laid his hands on the porch swing, yanked downward with super-human strength and tore it from its hinges. The wooden casement landed with the sound of thunder and Rachel swore that she felt it in her toes. He turned and started down the steps and headed to the barn, Teaspoon quickly in pursuit. Rachel ran to Teaspoon and caught him just before he could lay a hand on Jimmy. The older man looked at her with such bewilderment that it struck her as unusual because she thought he knew about everything. Not this time.

"Let him be, Teaspoon, please," she begged, tugging on his arm, "He's hurting right now and it's my fault."

"Your fault?" Teaspoon queried, turning back to see Jimmy riding away on his horse and into the night, "What happened, Rachel?"

Buck, Ike, and Cody surrounded them, their eyes wide with shock at the earlier display of Jimmy's anger. Noah and Jesse stayed on the porch and surveyed the damage that had been done by his outburst, shaking their heads in astonishment. Rachel fell into Teaspoon and began to cry pitifully, causing the others to look away. Teaspoon embraced her and led her back to the house and inside, calling to the boys that he'd take care of the destruction in the morning. He sat her down at the table and put on a fresh pot of coffee for all of them. He realized that this would be a long night and they'd not soon forget it.

 

 

Jimmy rode into town, past the remaining people leaving the saloon and stumbling into the darkness. He thought they looked absolutely stupid and he hated them all at once for losing control of their lives in such a disgusting way. He pitied them, felt sorry for them once, but not anymore, not after tonight. Jimmy Hickok swore on his mother's grave to never pick up that bottle and become the man he so despised, feared and wanted to kill. Never!

He also felt horrible for what he'd done in front of Rachel but for once split second, something inside him had broken through and it was something unimaginable, unthinkable and it had provoked such fury and revulsion that he totally lost his mind. He hadn't meant to cause such demolition and he was sure that Teaspoon would be cross with him once he returned…if he went back at all. Jimmy didn't know what to do now. All he could do was keep going until his soul again found peace.

On the outskirts of Seneca at first light, Jimmy spotted Louise and Kid standing outside a dress shop. They were whispering to one another and pointing to items in the window. He rode right by them and they never even saw him. He didn't mind. He didn't want to be seen right now. There would no doubt be questions and that was one thing he had enough of.

Well, it appeared that he'd been right after all. Lou had danced her little charade with Jimmy merely to make the Kid jealous. Jimmy was stunned to realize that he didn't mind it so much, either. His own dreams had been placed before him in such a way that he'd not soon disregard. At least, he hoped he still had Rachel's love. After that episode she witnessed, he couldn't be certain she'd want to stand ten feet from him. And he wouldn't blame her one bit if she did so.

At that moment, something happened that would change Jimmy Hickok's life forever. Something that would haunt his dreams and his heart for years to come. As he rounded the corner, his horse nearly collided with another and both reared, knocking the other man from his saddle and into the mud beneath the ponies. An image flashed before him and Jimmy shook his head to clear it as he dismounted in order to help the rider up and see if he was hurt too badly. Jimmy reached down and felt a large hand grasp his and immediately he let go, causing the man to fall back into the water.

"Damn it, boy, watch where the hell you're going!" the man shouted fiercely, watching the younger man stumble backwards into the wall.

Louis Jameson recognized him instantaneously and called to Jimmy, baffled at the look on his face. It seemed as though James Butler was terrified of him and Louis couldn't understand why. He made his way toward him and Jimmy backed away further, shouting something unintelligible. Several people turned to stare in their direction and the marshal began to approach them from across the street.

"No!" Jimmy shouted, "Get away!"

He pivoted on his heel and began to run, knocking people over as he rushed past them. It was him! He had to get away from those hands! He was going to catch him again and then it would start all over! His mind screamed at him to run and the words of a five-year old child cried inside of him. Jimmy covered his ears but he was unable to drown out neither the miserable sound of those cries nor the shouts of his tormentor who was chasing him.

"Is there a problem, mister?" the marshal asked the older man, grabbing his shirt and stopping him from following the younger one.

"No, no problem," Jameson replied, "Just spooked my horse and threw me but I'm alright. I can't understand why he ran off like that. It's not as if he don't know me, we met not too long ago in Mankato."

"Well, seems to me, he don't want you around so I'd say you best be on your way," Sam Cain remarked, watching the strange man carefully, "Now!"

Jameson eyed the marshal with an evil glint in his eye. If only he'd been younger, back in the day when he could successfully beat the tar out of someone like him, he'd have knocked him for a loop. But, time had gotten the best of him so he nodded in agreement and mounted his horse. Maybe the marshal wouldn't mind if he stopped off at the saloon before heading out.

Sam Cain recognized the horse from a long time ago and he took the reins and mounted, intent on finding Jimmy. He had to know what caused his friend to behave that way. Sam had witnessed the entire event and Jameson hadn't given Jimmy cause to run like he did. Something else was wrong and Sam wanted to find Jimmy before more trouble could find him.

Jimmy had run into the hotel and quickly purchased a room. He all but bounded upstairs; glancing over his shoulder to make sure he was unobserved. Once inside, he sank down on the bed and lay across it, his heart pounding resonantly within his chest. His lungs ached and he couldn't seem to catch his breath. If only Rachel could be here, if only he hadn't left her like that. Jimmy needed her love, needed her wisdom and comfort now more than ever. He closed his eyes and saw her beautiful face looming before him. She was so close that he could almost reach out and touch her.

So many thoughts raced through his exhausted mind that Jimmy had a difficult time in sorting them out. The truth struck him hard in the face and there could be no mistaking the feelings he began to experience. With a heavy heart, James Butler Hickok realized the fact that he'd been living a lie all those years. William Hickok was not his father, never had been. His own mother had lied to him. The cold, hard truth was that Louis Jameson was without a doubt his real father. And Jameson was the reason for all those broken memories that Jimmy couldn't quite understand. He'd been the cause for all of his nightmares and fears. Jameson had been the man behind those fearsome hands and now Jimmy remembered that which he fought so strongly not to. He remembered the truth.

"Jimmy?" a woman's voice called from outside his door, "Jimmy are you in there?"

Slowly, he made his way to the door and opened it, surprised to see Louise, Kid and Sam Cain on the other side. He hadn't seen Sam since he'd left to marry Emma and Jimmy instantly reached for him. Sam laughed heartily as Jimmy embraced his friend. He needed to see a good face from his past for once and Sam would do just fine.

"Jimmy, is everything alright?" Kid asked, his arm possessively encircled around Lou's waist, "We saw all the commotion out there and Sam came up to us looking for you. What happened?"

Jimmy shook his head and waved the questions away, feeling the need to return to Rachel at once. He assured everyone that he was indeed all right and began to move past them. Sam patted him firmly on the back and promised to visit them very soon.

"Wait!" Louise shouted to him, "Let us go with you. We're heading back tomorrow but now is good a time as any."

"Louise is right, Jimmy, besides, I wanted you to know about it first."

He looked at Kid's smiling face and then into Louise's shining brown eyes and he knew what had taken place. They were going to be married. It was just as well. He had worried about how to tell Lou that he loved Rachel all this time. At least, he hoped Rachel still loved him after what he'd done.

"Congratulations, both of you," he nodded toward them, "If you're riding with me, we best get started now. I think I've got some explaining to do back home."

The three of them said their good-byes to Sam and were on their way. Jimmy thought of nothing but Rachel throughout the entire trip and Kid and Lou discussed their wedding plans quietly so as not to disturb him. To them, Jimmy appeared disturbed enough without them adding to it. Jimmy recited his words over and over in his head until it seemed he knew them by heart. He felt only right in talking to Rachel about his past since she'd opened her own heart to him and divulged her hidden secrets. She at least deserved that much, he thought, but he wondered how she would accept the fact that Jimmy Hickok wasn't who she thought he was. Jimmy had great difficulty digesting the information himself. He just couldn't see himself by any other name. And he would never disgrace his father's memory by doing so.

William Hickok had been Jimmy's father, not Louis Jameson. Though William had raised him up strongly and with a firm hand of discipline, it had always been meted out fairly and he knew that William loved him very much. Jimmy loved his father to the highest degree and considered him to be his true father, not some man who made his life a sheer, living hell, and a man that Jimmy didn't even know.

And, what of his mother? Had she told William the truth? Had she ever told him what really happened? Did his mother really know what Jameson did to Jimmy? He hoped not. He didn't think she would have been able to survive that much truth. William must've known somehow, although he never once treated Jimmy differently than he had Salinda or Joshua. Jimmy was William Hickok's son and he was proud of it, vowing to carry his father's name until he died, no matter what. Louis Jameson was just a man he never knew and he preferred to keep it that way. Besides, Jimmy Jameson sounded just plain stupid!

Jimmy had his answers and they were just as he wanted them to be. There would be no more questions, no more nightmares, no more images flashing so vividly through his mind and no more running away from the ones who loved him most. This time, James Butler Hickok felt a peace in his heart, a calm that hadn't ever been there before and he reached out for it, held it tightly in his grip. It was a dream that he could see very clearly and he could only hope that Rachel's answer would be yes.

 

 

The riders were too engrossed in their animated conversations to take any notice to the rider less horse standing a few yards away. Jimmy spotted the animal first and whispered Kid's name, drawing his attention from Louise and causing her eyes to follow the others. All three of them pulled their ponies to a sudden halt, glancing around them in all directions and seeing no one. Wordlessly, they split up. Jimmy moved on while Kid went to Jimmy's left and Louise to his right.

The old man sat behind his covering of brush and waited patiently. His kill was steadily approaching and within minutes, the deed would be done. In his drunken stupor, Jameson remembered the boy and he also recalled how innocent, how beautiful he had been. Jameson missed the kid, missed all the great times they'd spent together, just him and his son…Billy Jameson. And he just couldn't let Billy start talking.

Louise saw Jameson from her direction and her breath caught as she realized that Jimmy was riding directly toward him. Slowly, she slipped down from her mount and crouched low in the brush, intent upon surprising the gunman. Gun drawn and the hammer clicking back as quietly as she could muster, Louise crept toward Jameson.

"Wouldn't do that if I were you," she said from behind Jameson's back, the cold steel of the gun barrel lodged at his temple, "Get up real slow and nobody gets hurt. Jimmy!"

Jimmy and Kid came running, Jimmy stopping short as he recognized the man. Louise and Kid looked at him with worried frowns as his face drained of all color. He stood unmoving, his hand resting on the colt at this side. All he could think about was what this man had done to him so many times; so many years ago and now he must pay!

"Jimmy, no!" Kid shouted, "Jimmy, he ain't worth it. Don't do it."

"The Kid's right, Jimmy," Louise agreed, "Let's get him into town and let Sam take care of this. Jimmy?"

Jameson's beady, dark eyes bore into Jimmy's heart and soul and he felt a strong hatred toward this man who was his flesh and blood. He hated the fact that Jameson's blood coursed through his own veins and he irrationally gave birth to the thought that he wished himself dead already.

"Can't do that, Lou," Jimmy muttered at last, "Can't have all these people knowing about him…about what he did."

Kid and Lou exchanged glances of utter confusion, permitting Jameson one split second of advantage. He moved faster than Louise's eyes could see and Kid shouted Jimmy's name aloud as he turned his gun and fired toward Jameson. In the blink of an eye, the old man had fired his hidden weapon, Jimmy had incredibly missed his shot and Louise screamed in horror as she watched Jimmy fall to the ground.

"No!" Kid yelled and fired his own weapon, barely missing Jameson as he ran.

Jimmy stirred, felt the excruciating pain in his shoulder and called out to someone, anyone. Louise knelt beside him, her brown eyes wide with terror. Jimmy looked up at her and grinned his famous half-cocked grin and rose to his feet.

"Where's Kid?"

"He went after him," she replied, "Jimmy, wait, you're hurt…"

Jimmy turned around to face Louise, his gloved, useful hand touching her face gently. The look in his dark eyes was more than Louise could bear and she looked away, ashamed that she had treated him so badly. All this man ever needed, ever wanted was to be loved and she sadly admitted that she wasn't able to provide that to him.

"I have to do this, Lou," Jimmy said, placing his hand under her chin and forcing Louise's eyes to meet with his, "Don't ask why, I'll never tell anyone. But, let me go."

Louise saw such grief, such overwhelming sadness in his gaze that she felt it straight through to her heart. With a nod, she watched him run away from her, duck under the low-lying branches and disappear. She saw nothing after that for she was already mounted and on her way back into Seneca to fetch Sam.

 

 

 

"Kid!" Jimmy whispered behind him, making Kid draw on him, "Where is he?"

Kid pointed to the rocks above them with his firearm, motioning that he would circle around come upon Jameson from behind. Jimmy agreed and stayed where he was, waiting for something to happen. When he heard nothing, the silence forced him to call out.

"Jameson!" he shouted, anger and a furious wrath edging his voice.

A bullet replied much too closely for Jimmy's liking and he moved to the right and took shelter behind on of the huge rocks. His wrist and eyes were the only things Jameson could see and he cursed his foolishness for missing such a good shot.

"I ain't going to hang!" Jameson echoed through the walls of the small canyon, "You hear me, Billy? I ain't going back!"

Another bullet struck near the rock and this time, Jimmy fired back threefold, though he couldn't see what he aimed for. Billy? Who the hell was he talking to? Damn it! Had that been his name before? Or did Jameson have him confused with someone else?

Jimmy shouted back, wishing he could get his hands on Jameson's throat, "The name's Jimmy! James Butler Hickok!"

Jimmy fired again, if only to prove his point. The wretched, evil sound of the man's laughter chilled Jimmy to the bone and his insides heaved against his ribcage. He felt very sick and wanted nothing more than to end Louis Jameson's life right then and there.

"Oh, yeah, you are now!" he yelled back, "Stay right there, boy, don't you move!"

Damn it! Kid!

"I named you, Billy!" he roared, his voice taking on a more unpleasant tone, "William Louis Jameson! And you remember way too much, boy!"

Another shot rang out and landed near Jimmy's feet. Jimmy looked above him and at once saw something move between the trees. He aimed his six-gun and prayed that his last bullet hit its mark accurately. If other people wanted to call him Wild Bill Hickok, then he best start living up to that name and make this shot.

In the distance, two riders came tearing through the canyon, creating a distraction from Jimmy and giving him the final shot, which he gladly took. He clicked the hammer back and fired, waiting for what seemed an eternity for the bullet to make its mark, which it did. In slow motion, Jimmy could only watch as the man who was supposed to be his father tumbled from his hiding place above and fell, his arms reaching into the air for a hold upon something solid that would save him. He screamed once, then his body hit the ground at Jimmy's feet with a sickening thud.

"Jimmy!" Sam called out, running to his side and stopping only inches from the sight before him.

Louise and Kid stood behind Sam, Kid's arm securely around Louise's shoulders. They witnessed Jimmy kneel down and stare at the open-eyed, lifeless face, smirking in what seemed like pure satisfaction. No one understood why he could be so cold, so heartless. Until they heard his words.

"It's finally over," Jimmy whispered so softly that the others barely made out his words, "And you're not my father. My father was William Hickok. My name is James Butler Hickok. And you can't hurt me anymore."

With that, Jimmy turned and walked away, leaving his friends to stare after him in a different light. True, each one held a profound respect for Jimmy for many reasons. But this event caused them all to revere him in some way. He'd been through immortal hell and had survived, though with countless scars, both on his body and in his heart. And they also knew that Jimmy's life would never be the same.

 

 

Rachel's heart soared as she caught sight of the three riders coming toward her, Jimmy in the middle of them. She smiled and shook her head when she saw the dejected expression on his face, knowing that he was apprehensive about confronting her. She walked up to him, ignoring the knowing glances between Kid and Louise. Right now, it didn't matter to her who knew it, Rachel loved Jimmy and she felt like screaming it to everyone!

Jimmy sat still, not dismounting from his horse. He watched Rachel approach him and he knew that what he was seeing couldn't be real, couldn't be happening. But, it was. She fairly beamed her smile at him and he returned it half-heartedly, the events of the day still spinning wildly in his head. Finally, he slid down from the horse and stood facing her, searching her eyes for even one hint of anger. He was afraid she'd be upset that he'd left her like he had and he was expecting something much different than this kind of welcome.

"You're hurt!" she squealed, touching his shoulder gently, "Jimmy, what happened to you?"

He sighed deeply, touching her face lovingly with his gloved hand, "It's alright, now, Rachel. He's dead."

Confusion set in momentarily and then she realized who he meant. Had Jimmy killed him in cold blood?

"Was he?" Rachel asked, afraid to say the words 'father' for fear of what reaction she might receive.

Jimmy shook his head emphatically, and then he stopped and lowered his eyes, nodding slowly. He felt a great solace and calm as Rachel placed her arms around him and Jimmy returned the favor with his one useful arm wrapped about her waist.

"I'm sorry…" she whispered to him, delighting in the embrace she never thought she'd feel again.

"I'm not," he replied, pulling her closer to him.

"I love you," she breathed against his ear.

"Not half as much as I love you," he answered, the peace and tranquility once more returning to his soul, "Marry me?"

A deafening silence hung in the air and Jimmy's body jerked and tensed, afraid that he'd overstepped his boundaries and rushed into something Rachel wasn't prepared for. But, he relaxed at the sound of her barely audible sniffle and felt tears fall against his skin.

"Yes," Rachel agreed, knowing in her heart that, at this moment, her life had meaning, a purpose. And she would never turn her back on a second chance.

Wordlessly, James Hickok kissed Rachel Dunne, sealing the promise of tomorrow, the promise of a new day and the promise of a new life…together.

 

 

The End.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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