The sick florescent lights shimmered on their skin(see note), I thought to myself - a line from a song. The dance floor thundered under my feet as I sat at the edge of the room, always an outsider. I was sweating in my loose cotton white shirt, the strap of my watch leaving a red mark on my wrist. I tried to look interested, took a gulp from my bottle of Bud, gasped as the cool freshness gargled down my throat, the woodsy aftertaste, my head stuffed with abject d'art.
Colin pushed his arms in the air, the strobe lighting effect making it look as though he was a robot, making him appear and disappear and appear again. And the sick florescent light shimmered on his face. He was smiling, always smiling. Linda wrapped her body around him like a snake coiling around her prey. Her breasts heaved against his chest, his crotch gyrating into hers. I looked away in disgust.
Why was I so angry? Who was I angry at? If I were to sit down and think about it, would I really be angry at Colin? At Linda? At anyone else? Or would I, in actual fact, be angry at myself? Was that it? Was I angry at myself? And why?
No, now was not the time to get into that. I was here to enjoy myself. Or at least to pretend and look as though I was enjoying myself. For Colin's sake. Happy birthday, Colin, I saluted him as he pounded away on the dance floor. He didn't see me, lost in the shadows of reality as I was.
I sat back in the uncomfortable chair and flapped the front of my shirt. God it was hot. I pressed the cold bottle of Bud against my forehead. A light relief, my eyes closed, thinking. Thinking of nothing. Thinking of everything. Thinking I was on a beach with a cool nomadic breeze streaming over my skin. Thinking I was -
"Hey!"
The voice interrupted my thoughts. I was brought back to the here, the now. I opened my eyes. Tracy. Sitting beside me. Drunk. Her low-cut tank top revealing perspiration on her pink skin. "Bobby, isn't it?" She drank from her glass, glossy lips circling round her straw. She looked at me, tried a coy smile. "You're really cute, you know?"
I nodded. Whatever. Don't do this, Tracy. Not now. Not here. I don't need this.
She crept her chair a little closer. Her cherry-red nails streaking up my leg. I smiled. Took her hand off. Don't. I don't want this. Stop.
"You're a quiet one, aren't you?" she said. It wasn't a question. I didn't want this. Not now, not ever. "We're having a party back at Phil's place after this. You gonna come?"
I shrugged, made no commitment.
"Will you buy me a drink?"
"Why?" I asked. Blunt. Be direct. Leave no room for confusion.
She thought about it. Don't think too hard, darling. "Isn't that what all guys do?"
"Why?"
She raised an eyebrow. "Don't you like me?"
I shrugged again. She crossed her legs toward me, leaned close. Body language. Watch the body language. I twisted away slightly. Casually drank from my bottle.
"What is it you like, Bobby? Big breasts? Little ones? I bet there's someone in here you'd like to sleep with." She paused. Leaned closer. Whispered, "Don't you want my cunt?"
The C-word. I hated the C-word. It made me feel sick. I looked at her, saw Colin approach us from the dance floor.
"What are you, some kind of faggot?"
I took a deep breath. "Whatever you say, Tracy. Just leave me alone, will you?" I got up, put my bottle on the table, said, "Buy yourself a drink!" and walked away, headed towards the exit.
I vaguely heard Colin's voice over the music. "Bobby? Bobby, what's up?" And Tracy laughed.
Outside, the night air filling me full of toxins, I closed my eyes against the tears that started to streak my face, bit my lip, hung my head in shame. It was over. My life was over.
A second later I heard the door of the club open and footsteps behind me. "Bobby? What's wrong?"
Colin. I didn't look back. I started walking. Away. Anywhere. Nowhere. What did it matter any more?
"Bobby, wait!"
"Just leave me alone. Please!" I was sobbing. "Leave me alone. You'll never have to see me again. I'll keep out of your way. I just want to be alone."
He caught up with me. Grasped my arm. "Bobby..."
"Please," I pleaded. I looked him straight in the eyes. "I don't want to do this, Colin. Go back inside. Linda will wonder where you are."
"What's Linda got to do with this?"
"Nothing," I said. "Everything." I wiped the tears from my eyes with the back of my sleeve. "Don't you get it?"
"Get what?" Colin protested. "You're acting so fucking strange."
"I am strange!" I blasted in his face. "You don't get it. I am so fucking strange, ok? Is that what you want to hear? Does that make you feel better?"
"What the hell are you talking about, man?"
I took a deep breath. Something inside me snapped. I felt it. I faced him full on. And I spoke...
"God only knows what you've done to me, Colin. You don't know. You don't even care. I'm not like you. I never have been. It's the cards. It's the way I was born. It was conditioning. I don't know. What does it matter?
"But it's like this: for twenty years I lived my life a lie. For twenty years I've been acting this, acting that, never what I was, never what I wanted to be. Oh yeah, sure, I wanted to be like you. I wanted the notoriety, I wanted the status, I wanted your girlfriend. But I couldn't have it, any of it. Because that wasn't me. I wasn't like that. I don't need your body. I don't even envy you for it anymore. Because I'm through with all that. It's over. I've got a new life, now. A new destiny. And you can laugh, and you can sleep with Linda or Tracy or any other girl that takes your fancy - but I won't have any of that. I'm not like that.
"Because I'm gay. I'm that queer faggot you laugh at. I'm that shirt-lifter you scoff. I'm that dead guy in the gutter, killed by you, killed by the world. And you can smile and you can grit your teeth as I pass, and you can whisper to your friends, 'I knew him. I knew him when he wasn't queer.' And then I'll be the one laughing, yes. I'll be the one scoffing at you because you didn't know: I've always been queer, I've always been 'that way'.
"And I'm not going to change. I'm coming out of hiding. This is the new me. This is who I am. I'm sick of it all. The heartache. The self-loathing. I'm through with that. I'm gay, and I'll tell the world. I'm a faggot and not you or anyone else will be able to shift me. I'm gay, Colin. Didn't you see before? I'm gay."
I paused. Colin was silent, his eyes staring at me. I had stopped crying. I wasn't going to cry ever again. It was over. I breathed a sigh of relief.
Colin looked as though he was about to say something, then changed his mind. He took a step backward. Another one. Another. Slowly, he turned and walked back to the club. He didn't look back.
When he was inside, I turned and continued along the street. And I was smiling.