Disclaimer: It's the same as it's always been. Akira Toriyama is to blame not me.

The Princess and the Pea-Brain
by Polka Dot

Once upon a time in a far off land lived the mighty Ox-king. The king was a terror to his people but one day he met a farmer's daughter working in the fields, whose beauty was beyond measure. He swore he would change his evil ways if only she would consent to be his bride. The young woman having seen the terror of the village people selflessly agreed to marry the Ox-King. The Ox-King honored his word and changed his ways and soon the young woman truly found herself in love and bore the king a daughter named Chichi.

Alas the queen died before the young princess had turned the age of four. The Ox-King in his despair forgot his promise to the queen and began his evil ways once more. A mage who sought to end the villagers suffering trapped the king within his home by surrounding the castle with flames. Although the king could not pass his young daughter, now age 12 was pure of heart and passed through the flames without harm. The daughter ignorant of the king's evil ways sought to find a warrior capable of dousing the flames and returning her father's freedom.

Not long into her journey the princess found herself in peril by one of the forest's mighty beasts. She cried as she ran begging the gods for succor. A young warrior descended upon a cloud from the heavens (or so it seemed) and rescued the princess. She was so grateful that she swore herself to the young warrior whose name was Goku. She promised to become his bride if he would help her free her father. Goku, thinking that this sounded like a grand adventure agreed.

Chichi and Goku made their way to the island of Kami where the great wizard Roshi was said to live. Roshi who was a salacious fellow, agreed to help the young princess. He knew of the Ox-King and imagined that if he performed his task well he would be rewarded with any village girl of his choosing. Chichi and Goku rode upon his magic cloud to the Ox-king's castle. When they got there they found the flames to be completely surrounding the castle. Roshi was as good as his word and he destroyed the mighty inferno. The Ox-King immediately agreed to Roshi's request and the fair maiden Bulma was brought from the village down below to become Roshi's bride.

Bulma was a strong-spirited girl and her fiancee Yamcha was a mighty warrior. He challenged Roshi to a battle for the fair maiden's hand. Roshi agreed and quickly dispatched Yamcha with his magic. Bulma was overcome with grief, for Yamcha was young and handsome while Roshi was old and withered. She begged her magical pig, Oolong to use his shape shifting abilites and stand in her place while she ran away. Oolong agreed and the beautiful Bulma ran into the forest. Roshi returned to his island with Oolong and proceeded to chase the poor pig around the island. Soon Oolong's spell wore off and Roshi realized that he had been decieved. He returned to the Ox-King's castle and demanded that the princess Chichi stand in Bulma's place.

The Ox-king did not wish to agree, for he loved his daughter truly, but he had promised Roshi payment for his services. He told Chichi that she had to marry Roshi, but Chichi refused. "I have pledged myself to Goku, for he saved me and I owe him my life." She explained. The Ox-king told Roshi that his daughter had already been promised to another. Roshi was not pleased. He told the Ox-King that if a beautiful maiden was not brought to his island within 24 hours the flames around the castle would return hotter and deadlier than before.

The Ox-King and Chichi went to the villages and asked all the villagers to help them out. The Ox-King promised that he would never again terrorize the people. He swore to treat the palace servants kindly and hold a festival every spring in the people's honor. He begged for some young maiden to sacrifce herself for the good of the kingdom as his wife had done so long ago. A miner named Krillen came forward and told the king that if he could be true to his word then he would take his sister Lunch to Roshi's island. The king agreed and Krillen set off to retrieve his sister from the mines. Before they left Lunch cleaned the soot and dirt from her face and hair. She was truly beautiful and all the villagers were saddened that such a pretty girl had to leave their village.

When Lunch and Krillen reached the island of Kami, Krillen presented his sister to Roshi. Roshi was much pleased and Krillen left with a curiously happy smile upon his face. Roshi chased Lunch around the island but soon he grew tired and demanded she make dinner for him. "You are such a pretty and fragile thing. Is it true you worked in the harsh mines, digging in dirt for diamonds?" Roshi asked as they ate their meal.

Lunch nodded. "I worked in the mines but I never did any digging. I used explosives." She said with a curious glint in her eye.

"What a clever girl you are," Roshi muttered as he sipped his soup. It was plain so he added some pepper.

"Ahh Ahh Achooo!" Lunch sneezed a mighty sneeze that knocked Roshi on his behind. "Now you die old man!"

Roshi looked up to see that Lunch had magically changed from a beautiful blue haired angel into a beautiful blonde haired devil. Lunch took the carving knife from the dead boar upon the table and threw herself onto Roshi. "I will take your eyes which leer so darkly!" She screamed as she cut out his eyes. "I will take your tongue which drools so vilely!" She cried as she cut out his tongue. "And I will take your heart which beats so evilly!" She roared as she cut open his chest and pulled out his heart. When she was done she threw Roshi's body into the sea.

"I like this island, it's so much prettier than the mines and there is a lovely coconut tree for when I become hungry." So Lunch stayed on Roshi's island and lived happily ever after.

*****
The Ox-King loved his daughter dearly and as the time for her wedding approached he grew wary of the man whom she had pledged herself to. The king wanted to make sure that Goku was worthy of his lovely daughter so he decided to assign the warrior three tasks to complete. If the tasks were completed successfully then Chichi would be married but if Goku failed even a single task the Ox-king would call off the wedding.

Chichi worried mightily for though Goku possessed much strength and skill he was not ample in brains.

The Ox-king set the first challenge upon Goku. He called upon his powerful guard Freiza to challenge Goku in a feat of strength. "Whomsoever shall swim across this mighty lake and smash the boulder set high upon Mt. Dende first shall be declared the strongest warrior in all the land!"

Freiza immediately plunged into the depths of the lake and began to swim across, but when Goku plunged into that same lake he saw a mighty fish swim in front of his face. His stomach growled and Goku followed the fish. He wrestled the fish to the bottom of the lake and dragged it upon the far shore. As he began to stoke his fire, Princess Chichi ran up to him. "Goku Sa what are you doing? Freiza has already begun to climb Mt. Dende. How will you ever catch up to him now?"

"But Chi-chan, I'm hungry." Goku whined.

"I don't care if you're hungry. If you don't smash that boulder first, we shall never be wed!" Chichi fell to her knees and wept bitterly. Goku seeing her stress ignored his grumbling stomach and headed towards the mountain. It was true that Freiza had gained quite a lead on Goku, but he was not yet to the top of Mt. Dende. Goku began to ascend the mountain, he soon discovered that Freiza was moving much faster than he had anticipated. He knew he could not catch up without a little help so he called upon his trusted friend Nimbus.

"Flying Nimbus take me to the top of this mountain, I need to smash that boulder." As Goku approached the boulder a mighty blast streaked past him. He turned to see that Freiza was shooting at him. "Hey that's not fair!"

"The Ox-King never said I couldn't blast you, besides you are riding a cloud. That's not fair either. I will knock you from that cloud and smash the boulder. I'm sure that king will be so impressed that he will allow me to take the Princess Chichi's hand in marriage."

"You can't take Chichi's hand. She needs it, besides you already have two of your own." Goku shouted back. He pulled the pole off his back, "Power pole extend!" and knocked Freiza off the mountain. Once on top of Mt. Dende Goku brought his hands together and smashed the boulder with a powerful Kamehame wave.

Princess Chichi sighed in great relief when Goku returned to her and ate his fish.

The next day the Ox-King called upon his kingdom's most trusted ally. "King Kai will you help me test this warrior Goku? I have tested his strength now I must test his skill. Please take him to your kingdom and assign a task to him. If he completes it successfully then send him back to me, else you may keep him as one of your guards."

King Kai agreed and soon set off with Goku to his kingdom. The princess Chichi fretted miserably for without her aid, she feared Goku would forget his task, but her father had forbidden her from travelling to the distant kingdom.

Upon the road to King Kai's kingdom, Goku and the funny little king became fast friends. Soon King Kai began to think about the task he had to set before Goku. He wanted his new friend to stay in his kingdom forever and sought to come up with an impossible task for Goku.

"Goku this is my trusted advisor Piccolo. He is a Namek. The Nameks do not possess emotions like humans do. If you can find a woman capable of awaking Piccolo's emotions then I will send you back to the Ox-King and Princess Chichi."

"I have to find a mate for Piccolo?" Goku asked. It was not a task that he was well suited for.

"Yes, but Goku you must complete your task within one week." King Kai did not tell Goku that Piccolo would never mate with any human female.

"Ah okay." Goku didn't really understand everything King Kai said but he knew that Chichi was to be his mate and so he set off upon the Flying Nimbus find a woman similar to Chichi.

He flew above the village and heard a shrill voice threatening to box someone's ears if they didn't stop fooling around. As Goku listened he grinned happily. This woman sounded just like his beloved Chichi. She would make a fine mate for Piccolo. He descended to the ground and asked the woman if she would come with him.

When Goku landed back in King Kai's court he presented the woman to Piccolo. She immediately began to scream in horror at Piccolo's green and pink skin. Upon hearing the woman's shrill voice Piccolo gritted his teeth and grabbed Goku's tail. "I will never mate with that screaming banshee!"

So Goku returned the woman to her village and began to search again. As he travelled over the sea he saw a beautiful woman will long black hair like Chichi's and a long green tail the color of Piccolo's skin. 'She's perfect,' Goku thought as he descended to the water and asked the lady to come with him.

Again Goku landed in King Kai's court and presented the woman to Piccolo. "I will never mate with a woman that smelly!" Piccolo said as he held his nose.

Goku shrugged and flew the woman back to her home the sea. He saw an island and landed upon it. It was the island of Kami. Lunch was picking coconuts from a tree and Goku asked if she would come with him. Lunch was a little bored being stuck on the island and happily agreed.

Goku landed in King Kai's court and presented Lunch to Piccolo. Now Piccolo was the king's advisor and thus very knowledgable in many things. He immediately saw Lunch and recognized her as the mad woman whom had killed the great mage Roshi. "I will never mate with that insane lady!"

Just then a slight breeze caused Lunch's fine hair to brush against her nose and she sneezed. Lunch pulled her blonde hair away from her face and took out an uzi. "And just what the hell is wrong with me?" She asked, her gun blazing.

"Nothing, Nothing! I'll happily mate with you, just please don't kill me!" Piccolo shouted in fear.

Later Piccolo mated with Lunch and she did kill him, but it was alright because he was able to regenerate himself. The King was much pleased. "I'm sorry you have to leave, but I wish you the best Goku, farewell."

"Thank you King Kai, I hope you can come to my wedding." Goku said as he set upon Nimbus and returned to the Ox-King and Chichi.

"Oh Goku I'm so happy. Soon we can be married."

"Yes, but you still have one task left to complete Son Goku and it will be a most daunting task for I can't let my precious daughter marry any man who is strong and skillful but not wise. In this last task you must find my daughter within the maze below, but I warn you that I have hired the great mage 18 to take my daughter's face and hide within the maze. If you find the wrong woman you will lose immediately." The Ox-King ordered his daughter and 18 into the maze. Goku soon followed.

He thought about what the Ox-King had said and wondered what Chichi would look like without her face. He came upon a lamp post in the garden which was the same height as Chichi and stood before it. "Chichi is that you?" The lamp post did not answer. Goku scratched his head and then laughed merrily. "What a fool I am, Chichi is wearing a dress so I must look for a lamp post in a dress." Goku reasoned.

Meanwhile the miner Krillen who had long desired an audience with the King and the princess was digging under the garden. He had grown lonely without his lovely sister to keep him company, not to mention that the work in the mines was harder without her explosive expertise. He began to dig up and out of the ground.

Goku looked around the dinette set. The table was short but wearing a skirt. He concluded it was possible that the table was his precious Chichi. "Chichi come with me." He then grabbed the table cloth and walked off. He soon turned a corner and saw his beloved Chichi. She was smiling and beckoning him to her, but strangely she said nothing. Goku looked at the tablecloth in his hand and then at the vision of the lady before him. He look back and forth between the two and then finally dropped the tablecloth."Chichi I found you. Now we can be married!"

Chichi nodded at Goku but before he could grab her hand the ground beneath her gave way and Chichi fell down a deep hole and disappeared. "Well I guess I was wrong again. Come on Chichi." Goku picked up the tablecloth and continued through the maze. Again he turned a corner and again he saw his beloved Chichi. "Oh Goku, you found me!"

Goku would not be fooled twice, he quickly turned away with his tablecloth and preceded the other way. "Goku where are you going? Goku come back here!" Princess Chichi began to run after Goku. Finally in total frustration Chichi pulled a frying pan out from under her skirt and smashed Goku in the back of his head. Goku rubbed his head and looked at the tablecloth in his hand. He knew now that this tablecloth must be the mage 18 and so he dropped it and wrapped Chichi in a big bear hug. "Chichi I found you!"

Chichi rolled her eyes and returned the hug. She looked at the tablecloth on the ground and said, "I can't believe that you thought that was me."

Chichi and Goku left the maze together and the Ox-King rejoiced. "You are strong, skilled and wise. I gladly give you my daughter's hand in marriage."

Chichi squealed in delight but Goku just frowned disappointedly. He was really hoping to marry all of Chichi.

After blasting Krillen throughout the mines, 18 eventually married him as well. Thus the princess, the pea brain, the midget miner and the mage 18 all lived happily ever after.

The end

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