Lee Crane couldn’t sleep. Too many things were running through his mind. He was thinking how much fun Chip was going to have when they returned to Seaview and he told the crew about finding Lee dressed as a hillbilly. There was no way out of it. He would just have to put up with it. Morton would never be convinced to keep it a secret. They were too much alike and he knew if the tables were turned he’d do the same thing. An idea began to form in his mind and he grinned from ear to ear. ‘Maybe it won’t be that bad. Yeah right, who am I kidding. Might as well face facts. The crew will never let me live it down. I’m in for a real good ribbing on this one and it really is kind of funny. Me a Hillbilly. Why not, the clothes are comfortable. Maybe I’ll give Chip even more to talk about. I’ll wear the jeans and shirt the Clampetts bought me. Tonight could be fun after all. Let’s see how Chip Morton reacts to Hillbilly Lee.’ He thought with a mischievous laugh. His headache began to recede.
As he stood to look out the window his foot struck something protruding from under his bed. Reaching down he pulled out his missing bag. ‘Now where did this come from?’ he thought. Opening the bag he found all his papers and clothing exactly how he’d packed them. He look up at the sound of approaching footsteps and wasn’t surprised to see Elly May’s pet monkey standing next to him reaching for the bag. She was wearing a little pink dress tied around the back with a large white ribbon. “Why you little rascal. Are you the one who hid my bag under there.” Betsy put her head down and looked up at him with upraised eyes. Lee could only laugh at the monkeys antics. He reached down and picked Betsy up and she immediately put her arms around his neck and planted a big wet kiss on his cheeks. He laughed heartily and was still laughing when he noticed he had an audience, “Oh hello Admiral.”
“Lee, I see you have a new girlfriend.” Nelson said as he came into the room and reached his hand out to Betsy. The little monkey rubbed her chin on his hand and turned her head so she looked at him upside down.
“This is one of Elly May’s Critters.” Lee said with a grin. “I’m thinking of setting her up with Chip. Sort of a blind date you know. Give me a little fuel to use on him when we get back to Seaview.”
“You’ll probably need it. We both know what Chip Morton will tell the crew about your recent escapades.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.” Crane said with a grin.
“How’s your head?”
“It’s better.”
“Good. Granny sent me up to tell you supper is in half an hour.”
“I’ll be ready Admiral and I found my bag,” he said pointing to the bag on the bed. “ It seems Betsy here took a shining to it. So you won’t need to ask Angie to send copies.”
“That’s fine Lad. I’ll go let you get ready.” he said taking the papers Crane handed him.
Nelson left the room only to be replaced by a grinning Chip Morton. “Hello Lee. Who’s your friend?” he asked pointing to the monkey.
“This is Betsy. I think she’s just your type.” Lee said with a grin.
“Now Lee. Are you worried I might tell the crew about Leroy Crane.”
“I know you Chip. You’ve probably been on the phone to Sharkey already.”
“I tried but he’s not answering. You’ll be glad to hear I got hold of Riley though.”
“Riley! Oh I’ll get you back for this Mr. Morton!”
“Now Lee, if the rolls were reversed you’d do the same thing and you know it.”
“You’re probably right, but it still doesn’t mean I won’t seek revenge.” Crane told his friend.
“Don’t I know it but for now the fun is all mine. I see you found your bag.” Lee nodded his head. “Tell me something Lee what’s Miss Clampett like?”
“Elly May, she’s a beautiful young lady.”
“That’s an understatement Lee. But what’s she like? Think she’d go out with me?”
‘No it couldn’t be this easy.’ Lee Crane smiled remembering how earlier in the day he had thought about kissing Elly May and her threat to whup him if he tried. ‘Ok Mr. Morton you asked for it. Revenge will be sweet. I just hope Elly’s as strong as she lets on.’ “Oh she’s great. A bit naive when it comes to matters between men and women but boy can she kiss,” Lee told him.
“Really? I’d have thought she’d be shy and wouldn’t let anyone kiss her. She seems more the tomboy type. Arm wrestling her boyfriends not kissing them.”
“Arm wrestling! Sure Chip you go right ahead and arm-wrestle her. I have other things in mind.”
“You trying to tell me you and her well, you know?”
“I’m not saying anything of the sort. The girl is wholesome.” Crane told him, setting the stage for his revenge. ‘Have to let Elly May in on my plan for revenge. Hopefully she’s all for a practical joke on my pal here. Forget about hillbilly Lee, here comes flipped Chip,’ he thought. “Well get out Chip. I have to get ready for dinner.”
“All right Lee, I’ll see you downstairs.”
Lee Crane found his suit hung in the closet. Granny had cleaned and repaired the damage done to it in the tumble he’d taken over his bag. ‘Have to thank that wonderful little woman,’ he thought as he buttoned up his jacket. You couldn’t even tell where it had been torn.
There was a low knock on the door and Elly May’s voice asked, “Are you ready Leroy, ah I mean Lee?”
“Come in Elly. I have something to ask you.”
“What is it Lee?” She asked curiosity written on her beautiful face. She wore a pink dress with a white ribbon the same as Betsy had been wearing and Lee knew Granny had a hand in making both dresses.
“I was wondering if you would help me with a little practical joke on my friend?”
“What kinda joke and on which friend?”
“Well, the joke would be on Mr. Morton and if you don’t want to do it I’ll certainly understand. I shouldn’t even be asking you to do this but I can’t resist a little revenge.”
“Tell me your plans Lee and if I don’t like it I’ll tell you. Deal!” she said spitting in her right hand and sticking it out to him.
“Deal,” he said as he imitated what she had done. They shook hands and laughed as Lee began to tell her his plan.
Lee and Elly were the last two to enter the ‘fancy eatin room’ and as he went to hold the chair for her he found that Chip Morton had beaten him to the punch. Chip smiled at getting the upper hand on his Captain and friend and Elly May smiled knowingly at Crane as he took his seat on her right. Chip was seated to her left. Granny began to lift the covers off the pots.
Morton and Nelson had quickly gotten over the shock of seeing the beautiful billiard table used as the ‘Clampett’s fancy eatin table.’ They smiled at each other as the family, including Lee began to pass the pots of food with pool cues, or as the Clampett’s called them the ‘pot passers.’ The delicious aroma of ‘vittles’ wafted around the room and the men of Seaview knew they were in for a treat. They had eaten in so many places and tried so many different cuisines that Granny’s fair didn’t bother them at all.
As the pots were passed Granny began to tell them what was in each one, “That there is smoked crawdads, pickled buzzard eggs, possum pie, collard greens, and fer desert we ave my very own jellied peach preserve cobbler.”
“Wellll doggies, you sure outdone yerself Granny!” Jed said as he stood to say grace. Every one put there hands together and bowed their heads as the blessing was given.
“Granny, I must say this has been the best meal I’ve had in a long time.” Nelson said and was glad to see the happy smile spread across her face.
“Thank you Admiral. Hep yerself to more. I made plenty.”
Nelson rubbed his full stomach and shook his head, “I’m afraid I couldn’t eat another bite.” He looked over and saw that Lee Cranes plate, which had actually contained some food was now empty, “Maybe I’ll have to get some of your recipes for Cookie. He’s always complaining that the Captain never eats enough.”
“Captain! Yer a captain Lee?” Jethro asked with boyish exuberance. “What are you captain of?”
“A boat.” Crane said simply.
“What kinda boat? Big or small.” Jethro asked.
“Pretty big.” Crane replied.
Chip Morton shook his head at Lee Crane’s modesty, “Jethro, Lee is the captain of Admiral Nelson’s submarine Seaview.”
“A submarine, YEE-HAWW,” Jethro yelled. “I gotta get me one of those. They takes you under the water don’t they?”
“That’s right,” Nelson affirmed.
“Uncle Jed can I ave one? Please.” Jethro pleaded.
“Now Jethro, a submarine is very expensive.” Crane explained.
“Uncle Jed got twenty-five million dollars in Mr. Drysdale’s bank. He gives me an allowance and I can do whatever I wants with it. A whole fifty cents per week just fer me.”
“Well Jethro Submarines cost a lot more than fifty cents,” Nelson said and watched as a crestfallen look come over the boys face.
“Uncle Jed,” the boy whined petulantly.
“You heard the man Jethro. Ya just have to save yer allowance. No more international playboy.”
“But Uncle Jed,” he tried again.
“No buts Jethro.” Jed Clampett stated. “Admiral Nelson knows what he’s talking bout. If he says fifty cents a week ain’t enough then we ave ta listen ta him. Now stop poutin and go finish yer chores.”
“Yes sir Uncle Jed,” he said, slowly getting up from the table. Granny and Elly May began clearing the table and protested when the newcomers tried to help.
“This ere’s women’s work.” Granny told them, “Jed, you take these fellas outside while Elly and me cleans up.”
“You heard her, let’s get outta their way.”
Everything was soon spic and span in the ‘fancy eatin room’ and kitchen and Granny came out to say good night. Nelson was not surprised that the hillbilly family retired to bed at nineteen hundred hours. ‘They’re probably up at the crack of dawn’ he thought, almost envious of the simple life they led. He wished them good night and knowing they would not go up to bed if their company was still awake he signalled for his men to follow the Clampett’s into the house and up the stairs. Morning would come soon enough.
Milburn Drysdale glared at his secretary as she pulled into the Clampett’s driveway. “You could do this for me Miss Hathaway.”
“Oh no Mr. Drysdale. You brought this on yourself and you have to deliver the apology face to face. Remember what Mr Clampett said.”
“I know, I know. I have to apologize to Admiral Nelson and his men. I have to remember that Mr. Clampett has final say on what happens to his money and he can take it out of my bank at any time,” he pouted. “You don’t really think he’ll take his money out, do you?”
“”It would serve you right. You’re lucky the Clampett’s are not the type to shoot first and ask questions later. Imagine if they had really hurt those two men.”
“But Admiral Nelson is asking for a donation to the ocean clean up project. That means the bank gets nothing in return,” Drysdale said selfishly.
“But think of the returns and benefits for the world. Cleaner healthier oceans will mean more plant, animal and marine life. I applaud Mr. Clampett for wanting to invest in our planets future.”
“You would. He’s not threatening to take his millions out of your bank.”
Jane Hathaway stopped the car in front of the Clampett residence. She laughed to herself at the lost puppy look on her boss’s face, “Come on Mr. Drysdale. The quicker we go inside the quicker this will all be over with.”
“I don’t want to.” He whined.
“Fine, I’ll go tell Mr. Clampett you’ve changed your mind.” She watched as her boss opened the passenger door and quickly followed her up to the door of the mansion.
“You wouldn’t dear!” he said.
“Try me!” she said, happy to finally have the upper hand over her money grubbing boss.
“I’ll fire you!” he stated.
“That won’t help you keep the Clampett account, and where would you find another secretary who’ll put up with the things you do.” She said grinning triumphantly as she rang the doorbell.
“There it goes again.” Granny said, “Every time that music blares some one comes ta the front door.”
“I’ll get it Granny, it’s probably Mr. Drysdale and Miss Jane.” Jed Clampett said heading for the door just as someone knocked loudly.
“See. What’d I tell you. Happens every time.” Granny said shaking her head in bewilderment.
“Sure does Granny,” Elly answered.
Jed opened the door, “Afternoon Miss Jane, Mr. Drysdale. Come on in. Why don’t we all go into the kitchen and you can meet Admiral Nelson and his men.”
Granny led the way into the kitchen and they each took a place at the table. Granny began introducing the two groups of people, “Mr. Drysdale, Miss Jane I’d like you to say howdy to Admiral Harriman Nelson, Captain Lee Crane and Commander Chip Morton. I think you met the captain before but we called him Leroy then cause he couldn’t remember who he was.”
“Yes, I remember meeting Captain Crane,” Jane Hathaway said trying not to openly drool over the handsome men before her. She envied Elly May, wishing she could be the one with three different but equally handsome men under her roof.
Handshakes were given all around and when everyone was once again seated Mr. Drysdale turned his attention to the newcomers. “Admiral, Captain, Commander,” he said looking at each man in turn. “Please accept my sincere apology for the way I’ve behaved towards you. I had no right to tell the Clampett’s there was going to be a Grunion invasion and I should never have told them that they would look like you. I do apologize,” he repeated, and faced his richest depositor. “As Mr. Clampett so eloquently pointed out, it may be my bank but it’s his money and therefore he has a right to decide what he wants to do with it. I feel I should apologize to you as well Mr. Clampett. Please leave your money in my bank. I promise to tell you everything we are doing with it,” he begged.
“I accept yer apology Mr. Drysdale but I can’t answer fer these fellas.” Jed Clampett told him.
“Apology accepted. No sense holding a grudge.” Nelson said. Lee and Chip both nodded their agreement.
“Thank you Mr. Clampett. Admiral. Captain, Commander,” Drysdale said making sure he acknowledged everyone. “Now then shall we get down to business?” he began taking papers out of his bag and placed a set before Nelson and Jed Clampett. “If you will each look at your papers I’ll read it aloud and you can tell me if this is what you want. Agreed?”
“Agreed!” Admiral Nelson and Jed Clampett said in unison.
Milburn Drysdale began to read the documents that outlined the amount of the Clampett donation and what it would be used for. When he was finished he turned to the two men in charge of this agreement, “How does that sound?” He asked as he placed the paper back on the table.
“Mr. Clampett, Are you sure about this. That is a rather substantial donation. We are asking others to help out as well.” Nelson said astounded by the hillbilly families generosity.
“Admiral, I have twenty five million in Mr. Drysdales bank and it seems like Mr. Brewster of the Ok Oil Company is sending me more and more everyday. We can’t begin to spend it all and from what you told me last night on the porch the oceans are in need of our hep.” Jed Clampett told them all.
“They are.” Nelson affirmed before speaking again, “Thank you Mr. Clampett your donation will go a long way to doing just that. If only more people would show your attitude on this important matter. I would like to show our appreciation in this matter. We are in the midst of building a new mini sub and if it’s ok with you I’d like to call it Clampett’s Fins.”
“Wellll doggie. That sure has a fine ring to it doesn’t it Granny?” Jed Clampett exclaimed happily.
“It surely does.” Granny laughed.
“I have to get back to the office, so if each of you would sign your documents Miss Jane and I will get back to work.” He showed Nelson and Clampett where to sign and when everything was in order they said their goodbyes and left.
Later that afternoon Lee and Elly were ready to pull a fast one on Chip Morton. The two came down the stairs, Elly wearing a beautiful yellow one-piece bathing suit that highlighted the natural colour of her hair. Lee wearing the same skimpy black swim trunks he’d worn the day before. They both carried towels and sunscreen.
Chip Morton, dressed in casual blue slacks and white dress shirt met them at the bottom of the stairs. “Where are you two off to?” he asked with a smirk.
‘I’m going to race Lee across the cee-ment pond out back.” Elly told him, a stunning smile on her face.
“Yeah, to bad you don’t have any trunks with you Chip. You could have joined us.” Crane said, grinning broadly, “too bad.”
“Maybe Jethro can lend you one of his. You might ave ta tie em up but at least you could join us. Right Lee?”
“Naw, Chip isn’t interested in joining us, are you?” he asked trying to look hopeful.
“I’d love to join you Elly.” Chip answered, not wanting Lee to have time alone with the beautiful girl. He smiled at Lee Crane’s exasperated look. “Where can I find Jethro?”
“He’s out front working on the truck. We’ll save you some sun screen,” Elly said softly, batting her eyes at the blonde man.
“Thank you Elly,” he said as he went in search of Jethro and his trunks.
“So far, so good Elly. Thank you for helping me with this.”
“We can’t let Chip have all the fun when ya get back to yer sub now can we?” she said mischievously.
“That’s right,” Lee said looking into her beautiful eyes. He bent down and lightly touched his lips to hers and barely held himself in check. He pulled back half expecting to be ‘whupped’ for taking liberties with her.
Instead she smiled and said in a passionate hillbilly voice, “I’ve a hankerin ta do that again Lee.” She said pulling his six foot three frame down where she could return the kiss. As she pulled back she whispered in his ear, “I ain’t never been kissed like that Lee Crane. You just bout curled my toes.”
He laughed and arm in arm they made their way out to the pool.
Chip Morton pulled on the faded trunks Jethro had given him and used some rope to pull them tight around his waist. He looked at himself in the large mirror in the hallway and thought, ‘it’s a good thing the crew can’t see me now.’ To his eyes the trunks were two sizes to big and with the waist pulled tight by the rope, they bunched up around his hips. ‘Oh well, they’ll have to do. Can’t let Lee have Elly all to himself.’
“Here he comes Lee,” Elly whispered in his ear.
“Are you ready?”
“You betcha.” She looked up and acknowledged Morton’s approach, “Howdy Chip. Can ya do me a favour?”
“Sure Elly. What would you like me to do?”
“Lee here is to chicken ta race me across the cee-ment pond. He beat me yesterday and won’t give me the chance ta return the favour. Can you hep me convince him.”
“Well now Lee has always been a bit of a spoiled sport Elly.” He said looking over to see Lee’s reaction to his little gibe. Morton was rewarded when Cranes eyebrows rose sharply.
‘Oh I’m not going to regret this Chip Morton. Make it good Elly,’ Lee thought trying to keep a straight face.
“How would you like to race me instead? I’m a lot more fun than sourpuss there.” Morton stated.
“Never mind Chip. Let’s go Elly.” Crane said letting the sound of jealousy come through.
“Why don’t we ask Elly who she wants to race against?”
Elly gave Lee a warm smile before turning to Chip, “I think I’ll take you up on your challenge Chip. Do you want a head start?” she asked.
Chip Morton laughed and took Elly by the arm. “Did you give Lee a head start? Is that why he beat you?” he said in a teasing voice that Lee Crane didn’t miss.
‘This is getting easier and easier Mr. Morton.’ He thought barely able to contain his laughter at what was about to happen.
“Will you do a countdown fer us Lee?”
“Of course I will Elly. And Chip,” he said turning to his exec, “no cheating.” Chip and Elly took up their places at the deep end of the pool. “I’ll countdown from five and when I say one you go. OK?” They both nodded affirmative and Lee began, “five....four....three
.....two....ONE.” Lee shouted and watched the two figures dive into the pool and race to the shallow end. Chip barely made it in front of Elly.
As they climbed out of the pool Elly turned to the wet dripping figure standing before her, “Yer quick.” She said.
“I won fair and square.”
“You surely did. What does the winner want.” Lee waited patiently, knowing this was where he would get his revenge.
“A kiss my lady,” he said and reached to pull her into an embrace. Before he knew what was happening he was grabbed by the arm and pulled up and over her shoulder and he landed solidly on the grass next to the pool. He lay there, stunned. Lee Crane stood over him snapping pictures with a mini camera.
“Well now Mr. Morton what do you think the crew will have to say about their exec being thrown by this beautiful young lady? I think we’re both in for a ribbing when we get back to the boat.” He reached down and helped his friend to his feet.
“What did I do wrong Elly?”
“Well Chip, nobody kisses me without my permission. Lee found that out the other day. I warned him he better not try or he’d get a whuppin. That’s what ya get fer not askin permission.”
“Wait a minute, you knew what she would do but didn’t warn me. Oh, I owe you one captain,” he said with a grin.
“I’d say we’re even after what you told Riley. When we get back to the boat I’ll just show them a few pictures.” Crane said happily.
“You wouldn’t dear.” Morton said.
“You want to bet. What would you do if you had pictures of me being thrown by Elly?” Crane asked.
Morton thought about it for a few minutes and pictured how he must have looked flying through the air. “I’d have them framed and put up in the control room,” he laughed. Lee Crane’s eyes lit up, “Lee you wouldn’t!” he stated.
“I would never have thought of that Chip. But it just might bring the crews morale up a notch.”
“LEE!” Morton said trying to get his hands on the camera.
“All right Chip, we’ll just see how I feel when we get back.” Lee said knowing he had the upper hand. “Thank you for your help Elly.”
“Yer welcome Lee.” Elly said, “Ok you two lets ferget about the camera and pictures. You guys are going home tomorrow. Let’s enjoy ourselves. Wanna go fer a swim.”
Chip Morton and Lee Crane smiled at the girl and all three jumped into the pool and began pitching around a ball.
Laughter drifted into the kitchen from the pool and Jethro turned to the two men seated at the table. “Uncle Jed why are those two sub fellas swimming with Elly? She’s just a dumb ole girl.”
Jed Clampett shook his head as Jethro left him and the Admiral alone, “Someday I gotta ave a long talk with that boy!” he told Nelson and they both laughed.
Breakfast was over and all their luggage had been placed in the trunk of the rental car. Chip Morton and Harriman Nelson had already said their goodbyes and were seated in the front of the car.
Lee Crane looked at the Hillbilly family before him and felt a knot in his stomach. These people had taken him in and shown him a kindness rarely seen by anyone. They had treated him like family and accepted him even after they found out who he really was. He reached out and shook Jethro’s and Uncle Jed’s hands. Then he gently hugged Elly May and was pleased when she hugged him back.
Looking at Granny he saw a wetness in her eyes as he reached down and picked her up.
“Put me down Lee Crane, put me down,” she said laughing happily at the young mans attention.
“Granny, I don’t know how to thank you for what you and you’re family have done.”
“You jus make sure ya come back to visit.” Granny told him tearfully. “And bring yer friends,” she added.
“I will and thank you,” he said as he got into the back of the car. The windows were rolled down and Lee watched the Clampett’s raise their hands and wave at them.
He could hear Granny’s voice as she shouted, “Ya’ll come back now ya hear.”
Lee Crane smiled. Two weeks back on the boat and no mention of the hillbilly antics he’d been sure would greet him. He had his pictures of Chip and Elly but hadn’t shown them to anyone as yet. He was on his way to the crews quarters and was surprised to see the door closed. He knocked but got no answer. ‘That’s strange.’ He thought.
Opening the door he stepped into his worst nightmare. Patterson, Kowalski, Morton, Sharkey, Jamison and even the Admiral stood there wearing blue denim farmer pants, white t-shirts, straw hats and not one of them wore socks or shoes. Suddenly a serious looking Chip Morton began chanting, “and a one and a two and three,” as the whole gang joined in to sing out of key.
“Come’n listen to my story bout a man named Jed,
Poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed,
Then one day he was shootin up some food,
And up through the ground came a bubblin crude.
Oil that is, black gold! Texas Tea!”
Lee Crane doubled over and laughed heartily. The sound of his laughter was contagious and the singing voices stopped abruptly as they were drowned out by the laughter coming from their captain, “Oh, God that’s hilarious. I can’t believe you did this Chip. I....I can’t..... take it..... anymore,” he said as he held his sides in laughter.
After a few seconds the rest of the group joined in his contagious laughter and Lee pulled a handful of snapshots from his pocket. The laughter grew even louder as the men looked at the pictures of their exec being thrown over the shoulders of a beautiful blonde woman in a yellow bathing suit.
Lee and Chip stared at each other for a few moments. They patted each other on the back and Lee said one word, “EVEN.”
Chip Morton smiled and repeated the same word to his Captain, “EVEN,”
“I’m glad that’s over. Now let’s get this crew back to normal. Yee-Haw” Nelson yelled as he threw his hat in the air.
FETCH- to obtain or get something
TOTE- carry
TARNATION- what the hell
GUMPTION-backbone, strength
YEE_HAWW-exclamation of happiness
HANKERING-to want something
LAND O GOSHEN-good gawd
PAW PAWS-kind of fruit
GOO-MER- strange person
YOUNG-UN- young person
NARY-never
PERT NEAR-pretty close
CEE-MENT POND-swimming pool
VITTLES-food
HEP-help
GRUNIONS-enemies from the island of grun
FANCY EATIN TABLE-pool table
SMOKE YOUR HAUNCHES-spanking
POT PASSERS-pool cues
XXX-moon shine-Granny’s Rumatiz medicine
AILIN-sick
BOILED BUZZARD EGGS-boiled eggs
AW GO ON!- you’re kidding
CRITTERS-Elly May’s animals
HEAR TELL OF-heard a story
THE DICKENS YA SAY-are you sure
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