“I don’t think we’re gonna git in there Lee. Look at all the people.” Elly said, disappointment written on her face.
“That’s where you’re wrong Elly. We have a VIP tour scheduled. That means we’ll be going through that gate over there,” Crane said pointing to an entrance that was devoid of people. “There should be a tour guide waiting for us. Admiral Nelson is one of the Zoos biggest contributors and they like to make sure that he’s able to get in at any time.” He told them as he led the group to the gate in question.
A young woman wearing a blue skirt and white blouse met them; her long brown hair was tied back in a ribbon of blue and white stripes that perfectly accented her uniform. “Captain Crane?” she asked, looking straight at Lee.
“That’s right Sandy,” he said looking at her Zoo nametag. “These are the Clampetts,” he said indicating the others. “This is Jed Clampett, his daughter Elly May, his mother in law Daisy May Moses, and his nephew Jethro Bodine.”
“Pleased to meet you all. My name is Sandy Miller and I’ll be taking you on your guided tour of the famous Santa Barbara Zoo. If you’ll follow me we’ll get your VIP packages and be on our way.”
The group began to follow Sandy into the white visitors building. Once inside she gave them each a badge with their names on them. She also passed them each a book on the history of the zoo that included pictures of the species that inhabited the grounds.
Granny opened her book and the first thing she saw was a picture of a large Gorilla. “Elly, look at this monkey. If Betsy gets ta be this big we’re gonna ave ta give her a bigger room.”
Lee looked over her shoulder and smiled as he explained what she was really seeing, “Granny, that’s not a chimpanzee like Betsy, it’s a Gorilla. Gorillas grow much bigger than chimps.”
“Thank goodness. I wouldn’t wanna ave ta make dresses fer this critter. It’s bad enough makin them fer the rest of Elly’s critters.” Granny grumbled.
“Do you have a lot of pets, Elly?” Sandy asked, smiling at the pretty blonde.
“Elly probably has more critters than this ere zoo does.” Jethro said seriously. “She even has a big old lion.”
“Not a real Lion?” Sandy asked as she led her group from the building to a waiting trolley.
“Wishbone is a real Lion. He’s real friendly to, wouldn’t hurt a flea.” Elly told her.
“Is he full grown?” Sandy asked, concerned that this family would have a lion as their family pet.
“I think so. I got im two years ago. His owner was being real mean ta him. I’ve looked after him ever since and he’s just like a little kitty.”
“Elly, lions can be dangerous,” Sandy explained.
“Not Wishbone.” Elly stated.
“I hope your right Elly,” Sandy told her. Climbing into the front seat she introduced the man behind the wheel, “This is our driver, his name is Jay and he’ll be taking us on our tour.” Everyone said hello and the trolley began its run through the zoo. She turned in her seat so she was facing her group, “There will be compounds on both sides of the path and we’ll be making stops at each one so you can get out and see the animals up close. If you have any questions please feel free to ask.” Sandy told them. “We should be coming up on the first of our bird exhibits. The compound on the left contains mostly waterfowl, while the one on the right contains many different species of songbird.”
“Birds, Elly can tell ya all about birds. Member when ya went birdwatchin with that fella, oh what’s his name, ahh, Casper Biddle, that’s it. Right Elly?” Granny interrupted excitedly.
“Yes it is Granny. Casper Biddle of the BBWC.”
“What does BBWC stand for?” Sandy asked.
“Biddle Bird Watchers Club,” Elly told her. “Casper was always lookin fer birds. He was a strange goomer. Knew the name of every bird we saw.”
“He sounds like he knew a lot about birds.”
“Knew more about birds than girls,” Jethro said quietly.
“That’s fer sure, that goomer was more interested in lookin at birds than at Elly. Maybe he needed glasses.” Granny stated and everyone laughed.
“Here we are. Why don’t we get off and we’ll take a walk through the path and I’ll show you our bird collection.” The group followed her into the compound that housed the waterfowl.
“What a racket!” Jed stated putting his hands over his ears to tune out the noisy squawks, tweets and whistling sounds that greeted him upon entering. “Is it always this noisy?”
“I’m afraid so, Mr. Clampett. But we get used to it. If you look to your right you’ll see one of my favourite birds in the exhibit. It’s called the East African Crowned Crane.”
“Hey, Lee, is that one of yer relatives?” Jethro asked with a laugh.
“I don’t think so, Jethro, although I do have a cousin who has his hair styled the same way.” Lee said grinning at the young man.
“What’s that funny lookin one?” Jed asked, pointing at a bird that stood on it’s own.
“That’s a Roseate Spoonbill, Mr. Clampett, and the ones on his right are called Black necked swans. There are also many kinds of ducks.”
“Ducks make fer good eatin. I’ve hunted them back in Bug Tussel. Wouldn’t be much of a hunt ta catch these though.” Jed Clampett stated innocently.
“There’s no hunting allowed on Zoo grounds Mr. Clampett. All the animals are protected.” Sandy explained.
“The dickens ya say,” Jed declared. “I ain’t never hear tell of a place to protect animals. Elly protects all her critters so I guess our mansion could be called a zoo.”
“How many animals do you have, Elly?” Sandy asked curiously.
“I dunno. I never counted em. Must be near a hundred or more, leastways it seems like it.” Elly told her as they left the bird sanctuary, “Granny’s always complainin when they get underfoot, but I think she loves them.”
“I’m glad to hear you take care of your pets, Elly. Maybe you can send me some pictures of your critters.”
“I will Sandy.” Elly assured her.
“Now in this sanctuary we have a large variety of parrots and songbirds. Elly, maybe you’ll be able to recognize some of them from your bird watching days. I can use the help.” Sandy told the girl. “Here we are,” she said as she stopped in front of the first set of large cages.
“Hey I know that one,” Elly said excitedly pointing to a small bird perched on a branch at the side of the cage. “Casper showed me a picture, it’s a Toco Toucan.”
“Your right Elly. That’s what it’s called.”
“What’s that coloured one over there?” Jed asked pointing to a group of small birds.
“Those are aptly called Lilac-Breasted Rollers, because of their colourful plumage. There are many types of finch in here as well as the Pintail Wydah, Orange Cheeked Waxbills and Blue-Grey Tanagers.” Sandy informed them.
“What are these big ones over here?” Granny asked as she walked up to another large cage.
“These are our Parrots. The group in the corner are Sun Conures and they come from the Amazon Basin.”
“Oh, they are so beautiful!” Elly exclaimed.
“Yes they are,” Sandy agreed before pointing out another parrot. “The big one there with the long brightly coloured tail is called a Scarlet Macaw.” They spent another half hour learning the names of the different species of birds. Sandy finished the tour of the bird sanctuary and they returned to the waiting trolley.
When the trolley began to move Sandy told the group about the next stop, “This next building holds American Alligators as well as many species of lizards, snakes and turtles. Here we are,” she said as the trolley came to a stop and they all climbed out. “This way please,” she said as she took them into the first of the exhibits. “This is the American alligator, females can grow up to eight feet while the male can reach lengths of twelve feet. The alligators jaw is very powerful and when opened can snap down with extreme force.”
“Back in the hills near Bug Tussel there was a goomer who had an alligator for a pet, kep him in a cage. This guy would stick his head right in the alligators mouth whenever people would visit.” Jed Clampett told the group.
“That man was crazy! It’s a wonder the Alligator didn’t bite his head off.” Sandy stated.
“He tried but was never fast enough,” laughed Granny.
Sandy smiled and pointed out the next cage filled with different lizards, “In here we have Bearded Dragons and the common Green Iguana. We are planning on adding many more species of lizards as we grow. Now if we move on to this next cage you’ll be able to view our snakes.”
“Snakes, yuck,” Granny exclaimed.
“I don’t like snakes very much either but at least these are in cages and can’t get at us,” Sandy laughed.
“What is that pretty green one called, Sandy?” Elly asked pointing at a lone snake.
“That’s an Emerald Tree Boa.”
“Is it dangerous?” Jethro asked.
“All snakes can be dangerous, Jethro, especially when mistreated. People have been keeping snakes as pets for a long time. Unfortunately when the snakes reach maturity their owners become frightened and most of them just set the snake free in parks or forested areas. That can be very dangerous. We would prefer they called animal rescue and ask them where to bring the unwanted pet. We do have an adoption program for every species,” Sandy explained.
“That’s sad,” Elly said.
“Yes it is,” Lee agreed.
They moved to the next set of cages and Sandy pointed out the Burmese Python, California King snake, and a King Cobra.
“If you’re all ready we’ll move along to the larger exhibits which house such animals as lions, tigers, elephants and many more.” Sandy said as she led them once again back to the trolley. “Most of the exhibits you’re about to see are made so that the animals can be viewed in their natural habitat. We pride ourselves on being one of the few Zoos that take the time and money to do this. Of course the Lions and tigers are kept separate from the Giraffes, gazelle and other herbivores.”
“What’s a herbivore?” Jethro asked.
“A herbivore is an animal who eats chiefly grass and plants.”
“Like cows and horses?” Granny asked curiously.
“That’s right,” Sandy told her. “Here we are,” she said as she pointed to a fenced in area. Turning to the driver she said, “Jay, I think we’ll just walk through these exhibits since they’re so close together. Why don’t you take a break and meet us at the lion cages in two hours?”
“Thanks, Sandy, I am getting kind of hungry. Feeding time at the zoo you know,” he said, laughing at his own joke.
“Right you are, Jay. Go feed that bottomless pit of yours.” Sandy told the young man.
“Hey, what about me? I’m hungry too.” Jethro exclaimed, rubbing his growling stomach.
“Jethro Bodine, you’re always hungry!” Granny stated.
Lee was beginning to believe Granny was right. “I tell you what, Jethro, when we’re finished our tour of the Zoo we’ll have an early dinner. Ok?”
“I’ll try to hold out until then,” Jethro whined petulantly.
“You got a belly like a long boot,” Jed told his nephew.
“What are those critters with the long necks?” Granny asked pointing at two spotted, long legged, long necked animals.
“Those are Baringo Giraffes. The long necks help them to reach leaves that are to high for other animals to get to.” Sandy explained.
“Oh, Granny, look at the tongue on that critter,” Jed told her.
Granny couldn’t help but laugh at the way the animal was able to stick its tongue out and latch onto the leaves that were well above its head. “Must be related to Elverna Bradshaw. I swear her tongue is probably longer than that critters. She sure does talk a lot, seems like I can never get a word in edgewise. Even looks a little like Elverna,” Granny laughed.
“Now, Granny, be nice.” Jed said.
“I thought I was being nice. You know Elverna as well as I do. She’s probably runnin me down ta anyone who’ll listen.” Granny complained.
“I take it you and Elverna Bradshaw don’t like each other very much?” Lee asked.
“Oh we like each other just fine as long as she’s where she is and I’m where I am.” Granny laughed. “That’s enough about Elverna, why don’t we see some more of these critters?”
“Does any one have any questions about Giraffes?” Sandy asked.
“I do, Sandy,” Elly said, “Where can I git me one?”
Sandy smiled at the young woman before her, “Elly, these animals are not allowed to be kept as private pets. As a matter of fact most of our animals come from countries all over the world and a lot of them are endangered species. See that herd to the right of the Giraffes,” they all turned to the animals she was pointing at, “Those are also herbivores. They’re called Chinese Muntjac. They are of the deer family but only grow to approximately two feet tall and weigh between thirty and forty pounds. There are also Alpaca and domestic sheep.”
“You sure know plenty about all the critters,” Elly said enviously. “Where did you learn all these things?”
“Well, Elly, I’ve learned a lot of it from working with the animals and the Zoologists who work here. They are a great group of people. They’re willing to teach the people who work closely with the animals, like me, everything they can to help them.” Sandy answered. “I’m also going to school to learn veterinary medicine. That way if the animals get sick I’ll know how to help them.”
“Pa, can I go ta that school?” Elly asked her father hopefully.
“Naw, ya can’t go ta that school Elly. First ya ave ta get yer grade six education like me. Yer jus a dumb hillbilly girl.”
“Jethro! Apologize to yer cousin,” Jed said sternly.
Jethro put his head down before speaking, “Sorry Elly,” he whined.
“Jethro, if ya keep this up ya’ll be facin a trip ta the woodshed when we git home,” Granny told him.
“Yes’m Granny,” Jethro said.
Lee smiled at the unbelieving look on Sandy’s face. He knew she must have been thinking how strange this family was. “It’s ok Sandy,” he whispered to her, “I don’t understand everything either but they are a very loving family.”
Sandy smiled as she led them up to the next fenced in pen.
“Hey, that’s the goomer on the front of the book ya gave us.” Granny said excitedly pointing at a large primate.
“You’re right. This is our Gorilla exhibit. The males are normally twice the size of the females. As the males grow older they develop grey hair down they’re backs, that’s where the name silverbacks comes from. Gorillas are considered an endangered species.” Sandy told the group.
“It’s a shame how we, as human beings, are causing the destruction of so many species. That’s one of the reasons NIMR has become involved in cleaning up the oceans. The pollution of the oceans is also causing the death of many oceanic species. We have to smarten up and protect the natural resources, which includes the wildlife.” Crane said seriously.
“Back in the hills where we come from animals are plentiful.” Jed declared.
“That’s because you only hunt animals for food. Not for sport. Elephants are hunted for their Ivory tusks. Once killed the hunters remove the tusks and leave the carcass to rot in the sun. Rhinos are also on the brink of extinction.” Crane told the family, “ Look, Uncle Jed, you’re already doing a lot to help clean up the oceans. If you want you can make a donation to the endangered species fund and help the land based animals as well.”
“I’ll talk ta Mr. Drysdale when I get back ta Beverly Hills,” Jed told him.
“Now, why don’t we continue with our tour?” Sandy asked. “The next cages are full of different species of monkeys and apes. This first species is the Spectacled Langur.”
“Oh, they are so cute. Can I git one pa?” Elly asked.
“I don’t think Betsy would take kindly to another monkey invading her space. No Elly, one chimp is enough.” Jed told the disappointed girl.
“Elly, there’s a difference between monkeys and chimps. I think your father is right in saying Betsy might be a little jealous,” seeing the young girls smile return to her face, Sandy pointed to the next cage. “Now this is one of my favourites because of the brightly coloured fur and mane. It’s called the Golden Lion Tamarin.”
“They sure are pretty, but kinda puny.” Laughed Granny.
“They are tiny Monkeys, only weighing in at around one pound. If you could feel their coats it would feel kind of silky.” Sandy explained. “Now this next cage contains the Common Squirrel Monkey.”
“Aw Go On, how can they be a squirrel and a monkey. I ain’t never hear tell of such a thing. Have you Lee?” Jethro asked, disbelief written on his face.
“It’s just the name they’ve been given probably because they look a little like both animals.” Crane explained.
Granny laughed in excitement as she leaned closer to the cage, “don’t make no never mind what ya call em. I’m willin to make squirrel stew outta em.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea Granny, once again the squirrel Monkey is an endangered species and therefore you can’t hunt them.” Lee told her.
“Are ya sure, Lee?”
“Positive Granny,” he said.
‘Well that’s the end of our primate exhibit, would you like to see the Elephants next?” Sandy asked.
“Elee-phants, that’s the big ones with the floppy ears and trunk?” Granny asked.
“That’s right, we only have two here but we’re really proud of them. They are of the Asian species and have lived here nearly three years. Not all Asian elephants have tusks but we were lucky enough that our male grew them. Females of the species don’t grow tusks at all. There they are,” Sandy said.
“What’s he doin?” Jethro asked.
“That’s how they take their baths. They use their trunks to pick up water and spray themselves with it. In the summer it also helps keep them cool.” Sandy didn’t have time to finish speaking when the female elephant sprayed the group with her trunk full of water. “Hey Juju, you know you’re not supposed to wet the guests,” she laughed as she berated the elephant.
“That’s ok, Sandy, feels kinda cool,” Elly said with a grin.
“Well I guess it’s on to our last stop of the day. This next exhibit is made up of our large cats.”
“Large cats,” Elly said excitedly. “Do you mean the lions and tigers?”
“That’s right, Elly, we have lions, tigers and leopards.” Sandy told them as they walked up to the next compound. “The lions are of the African species.”
“Which one is the African Lion? I see two different kinds.” Jethro asked curiously.
“Actually, Jethro, they are all of the African species. The males are the ones with the mane, the female has no mane and she is also the hunter. She hunts down the prey and brings it back to the male.”
“See, Granny, I told ya women are ere ta cook fer us men!” Jethro commented.
Granny eyes narrowed and her cheeks flared as she glared at Jethro, “When we git home we’ll see who’ll be doin the cookin and who’ll be doin the eatin.”
“If ya know what’s good fer ya boy, ya’d best be beggin Granny ta forgive ya.” Jed told his nephew.
“But Uncle Jed. I’m a man. I don’t ave ta cook. That’s women’s work.”
“Jethro,” Granny said in a quiet voice that warned Jed how close she was to blowing her stack. “If ya want ta eat any of the vittles I make fer this family ya’d better take that back.”
“But Granny,” he didn’t see Granny’s little bag until it walloped him in the back of his head.
Jed grabbed Granny around the waist and lifted her under his arms while she struggled to keep hitting the object of her ire. “JETHRO!” he yelled. “Stop arguin with Granny,” he said, still trying to hold her back, “If ya ever want ta eat at Granny’s table agin you’ll apologize now.”
Jethro heard his stomach grumbling and realized his Uncle was right. He needed to apologize to Granny if he ever wanted to eat her vittles again, “I’m sorry Granny. I was wrong.”
“Ya can put me down now, Jed.” Granny told her son in law, “I’m ok. Jethro, ya’d better just watch yer mouth from now on. I’m ready ta see the next critters, maybe there’ll be one big enough fer me ta feed the boy to!” she laughed at her own humour.
Sandy brought them to the next compound and pointed, “This compound holds the Amur Leopards. They can be identified by their beautiful spotted coat.”
“Mrs. Drysdale had one of those. I think she gave it to a Zoo. She didn’t know how ta look after it properly.” Elly said quietly watching the animals.
“As I said before, there are a lot of people out there who don’t know anything about the pets they choose to keep,” Sandy said softly. “Ah here comes Jay. Looks like he timed it perfectly. We’ll take you back to the main gates where you will be able to visit our gift shop. I hope you’ve all enjoyed your visit to the Santa Barbara Zoo.”
“I surely did, Sandy,” Jethro told the tour guide.
“Me too,” Granny said.
“It sure was fun,” Elly told her.
“Thanks, Sandy, for making this such a fun filled and informative adventure,” Crane told the smiling young woman as they climbed tiredly into the trolley.
An hour later, with newly wrapped packages in hand, the group made their way out to a waiting car for the trip back to the Four Seasons Hotel.
“I thought we were gonna git something ta eat?” Jethro whined.
“We are, Jethro. Is there something in particular that you’d like to have?” Lee asked.
“I’ve got a hankerin fer some of that stuff I saw those kids in front of the Zoo eatin. It smelled real good,” Jethro stated.
“It’s called Pizza, and yes it is good. Is that ok with the rest of you?” Crane asked.
“Well, Lee, I’m kinda tired. Is there any way we can git this pizza and eat it back at the hotel?” Granny asked.
“I tell you what I’ll do Granny. I’ll call Chip Morton and have him meet us at your room with the pizza. How does that sound?”
“Sounds wonderful Lee,” she said as she rested her head against the back of her seat and closed her eyes.
“Would anyone like to watch television?” Lee asked, when they’d all settled down to wait for Chip and the pizza to arrive.
“Sure thing Lee, go ahead and turn it on.” Elly said, settling into one of the overstuffed chairs.
Lee turned the TV on just in time for the opening theme to Green Acres.
“I like this one,” Granny said excitedly. “I git a kick outta her. She talks real funny. Leave it on Lee.” Suddenly the whole family was singing along with the television, “Green acres is the place ta be, farm livin is the life for me, land spreadin out so far and wide, keep Manhattan jus gimme that countryside.”
Lee smiled as he listened to the tired, off key voices. It had been a long day for all of them. The drive from Beverly Hills in Jethro’s truck had taken longer than normal because the truck didn’t have the speed of the newer autos. Then there was the tour of the Santa Barbara Zoo, which had taken almost four hours from start to finish. It was now eighteen hundred hours and Lee was beginning to think that if Chip didn’t arrive with the pizza soon he’d have to eat it all himself. He kept glancing at the TV program they were laughing at and realized it was rather funny.
‘Lisa was making pancakes on a griddle and Oliver was about to use them as head gaskets in his car.’
He was still in the throes of laughter when the door opened and Chip Morton walked in with three large boxes marked Dominos Pizza, a case of soda and a brown bag.
“Vittles,” Jethro yelled, jumping up from his seat he grabbed one of the boxes and opened it before anyone else even realized what he’d said.
Lee took the other boxes and placed them on the large table, as the last remnants of the Green Acres theme faded. “You’re just in time Chip. Did you bring paper plates?”
Chip smiled as he opened the brown bag and pulled out a package of Chinet paper plates and placed them next to the opened boxes of pizza. “Ok, folks, we have three different pizzas here. This one is plain Cheese and pepperoni, this one is a favourite of mine called the Hawaiian; it has ham, cheese and pineapple. The last one is a meat lovers, with pepperoni, ham, sausage and bacon. Help yourself to whatever you want.”
“I’m glad to see you didn’t get any of them little fish on them.” Lee said as he dug into the meat lover’s pizza. Granny and Elly were enjoying the Hawaiian, Jed was eating a slice of pepperoni and Jethro was enjoying anything that was within his reach.
Chip silently congratulated himself for remembering how much Jethro could eat. He’d ordered two Pizzas, but quickly changed his mind and ordered an extra one. He shook his head in silent wonder as Jethro polished off slice after slice of the delicious Pizza. ‘Lee better not complain about my stomach anymore,’ he thought.
“Jed, I think we’ll be avin this Pizza stuff at home. It sure is tasty,” Granny said, trying, unsuccessfully to cover a yawn.
Taking it as a sign that the family was as tired as he was, Lee signalled Chip that they should say goodnight.
“Well, I guess it’s time for us to say goodnight,” Lee said as he picked up the empty boxes and other garbage. “Get some rest because tomorrow Admiral Nelson has arranged for you to have a tour of Seaview.”
“Yee-Haw,” Jethro yelled excitedly. “Are we gonna go underwater?”
“You’ll just have to wait and see Jethro. I’ll talk with the Admiral and we’ll see what he thinks. How does that sound?” Crane asked.
“Sounds good, Lee. Do you think he’ll do it?” Jethro asked.
“As I said we’ll have to wait and see. Good night and sleep well.”
“Good night everyone.” Chip said.
“Good night Lee, Chip,” Granny, Elly, Jethro and Jed said almost in unison.
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