Previously
Slade Slade Slade
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Huntington Beach, California
Back on the Beach
The wonderful Wednesday afternoon is abruptly disrupted by the sound of something other than the soft cawing of the seagulls, or the gentle lapping of the waves against the shore. There are a few people lining Huntington Beach, but most of the people who wanted to come to the beach today decided to remain on the piers so that they are not getting wet. The water may be slightly warmer than the air, but once you get out of the water you run the risk of freezing. So it would behoove someone to remain out of the water. Still, on such a perfect Wednesday afternoon, someone has found a way to get everyone’s attention. In fact, they know that in a matter of minutes they will attract the attention of authority figures who will happily incarcerate them. But being the person “The Main Man” is he does not care. And so his booming voice rings out over the beach.
Slade-Oh you pretty Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, we love you. And our pretty Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang love us, too.
As Slade sings loudly, we see him driving through the beech once again with yet another display in the bed of the Ass Kickers Anonymous’ large, loud, and very attention grabbing truck. This time the display is similar to the Christmas Chaos poster everyone has seen. Well similar in the fact there are inflatable peanuts characters of Slade and Level One. This time though there are two posts in the bed of the truck with a banner spread between them. The Peanuts character of Slade Craven is holding the head of Level One in his hand while the other character just stands there with red streamers shooting up through the air. These are the same kind of inflatable’s as the “Wacky Wailing Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man” you know with the fan on bottom constantly keeping air pumping into them. But how there are supplied with air is not important. No the writing on the banner, in pure “Peanuts” font reads: “Fatality!” On the side of the truck is another small banner that grants the warning: “Contents of truck are rated M for Mature.” Slade keeps driving through the beach, spewing up sand. Luckily in the middle of December, most people do not come to the beach so the number of people that could be potentially hit is extremely minimal. Also, Slade is a great drive so the few pedestrians walking along the sand are avoided. Slade is singing into a P.A. system that is heard through the loud horn on the truck.
Slade- Hi, ho. Everywhere we go on Chitty Chitty we depend. Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, our fine four-fendered friend. Our fine four-fendered... Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Bang Bang yeah!
It is at this point Slade pulls back up onto the road. He has left at least a mile long trail along the shore line. Craven has attracted hundreds of viewers from both the pedestrians on the beach and the people standing across from the street. There are more people lining the streets of the Pacific Coast Highway, also known as Highway 1, than there are beach patrons. Slade has frightened some of them, enthralled more, and amused most. Craven pulls onto the road along side a beautiful, blue, 2007 Scion TC. This car’s driver looks at Slade’s monstrous truck as they both pull up to a red light. Craven sings loudly as he rev’s his engine taunting the teenage.
Slade- CHITTY!
The light turns green and everyone within a two mile radius hears the sound of squealing tires. Both Slade and the Scion kid spin smoke from beneath their rubber as they take off down the highway. The kid pops Slade off the draw, but Craven has dumped a ridiculous amount of money into this truck. In fact everyone gets a sudden flash back to Slade speaking to the auto shop that tricked out the A.K.A.’s truck.
Slade- Yeah I want a special horn too.
We are in an auto shop where Slade is shown with the original A.K.A. Truck, a simple black Ford F-450. There is nothing special to it, yet. Craven stands across from his friend Kevin who will be working on the truck, doing both the engine modifications and the custom paint job.
Kevin: Okay, what kind, like a musical one.
Slade- God, no, the kind they have on fire trucks.
Kevin: A horn supplied by pressure? You want an air horn?
Slade- Exactly.
Kevin: Why on God’s green earth would you want something so ri-goddamn-diculous?
Slade- Because one day I will absolutely have to use it.
Kevin: What for?
Slade- Don’t quiet know yet, but one day, when the moment comes, I’ll know.
As we come back to reality Slade is now well ahead of this kid in his Scion. In fact Slade is almost an eight of a mile past this kid, they sure as hell are not racing a quarter mile. No, anyway the next light was at least a half mile away. As Slade blasts this kid’s car, he adds insult to injury when he pulls the horn on the truck. A loud, obnoxious horn erupts through the afternoon air. Its really humiliating to be beaten by such a truck and then to know someone wasted money on a horn, whose only purpose is to announce a victory in a drag race. This horn attracts even more attention. People inside the buildings are rushing to the nearest window to see where the fire is, only to see Slade Craven’s truck with Mortal Kombat Peanuts characters in the back. As Craven blows past other cars at a whimsical and exhilarating eighty seven miles per hour we finally see the one thing everyone has been waiting to see. This is not a movie, this is real life and in real life when someone does so many reckless acts, no matter how amusing, the cops show up. Needless to say, someone is in trouble. Craven pulls over quickly, because he is not an idiot, and turns off the engine. He knows he is going to jail. The law is simple, you go more than twenty miles an hour over the speed limit, you go to jail. Everyone gets to see the dog and pony show. Craven handing the cop his license and putting his hands on the outside of the truck, opening the door, stepping down and being put in handcuffs. Slade offers no resistance as the cops radio a tow truck to come and bring the A.K.A’s baby to the impound lot. Craven gets in the back seat, the door shuts and he is sped away. The truck though still attracts attention as the electrically inflated Peanuts characters and sign stay visible as the tow truck takes the Ford away.
Two days later. Slade walks out of county with his long time friend Seann. Craven has been bailed out, with the charges of reckless endangerment, speeding, vandalism and excessive use of the horn.
Seann- So what were you thinking?
Slade- Well I wanted people to see what was going to happen at Christmas Chaos.
Seann- You wanted people to see you are going to kill Level One?
Slade- No, just that I will beat him. it’s a joke to the fact his name is a video game reference.
Seann- Yeah I totally missed that.
Slade- Ah, well, that sucks.
They reach the street and hail a cab, they have to go to the police impound to get Slade’s truck out of hock. Craven has a huge red back slung over his shoulder which he puts into the cab between him and Seann.
Seann- So community service?
Slade- Yeah that and a few fines.
Seann- Got to love Hollywood.
Slade- Well yeah, but I get to go be part of the community now.
Seann- Okay, then next question, what’s in the bag?
Slade- My outfit.
Seann just eyeballs him.
Slade- Its not like a jump suit or something. Just what I have to wear when I am doing community service. So once that’s done, it will be okay.
Seann- How many hours did you get?
Slade- Surprisingly sixty hours. But they have to be completed by the twentieth, so I am thinking I do like twelve hours a day I will be done by Thursday and ready to compete. So after we get the truck I have to hit up South Coast Plaza in Coast Mesa. That way I can get everything set up.
Seann- For what?
Slade- For my community service. I mean its one thing I will be doing and where I will be kicking most of my Community Service. by the way did you get in touch with him?
Seann- Yeah, he said it was all good for Thursday night. You guys are going to meet up in the afternoon to get everything taken care of so you need to have the majority of your time served by Thursday. That way you two can knock out the last bit. I just can believe the courts are going to allow it.
Slade- Well all my proceeds this week go to charities. As does an equal amount of the money I owe in fines. So it’s all good. I’m just glad we handled all this professionally.
Seann- And I am just glad your boss doesn’t up and fire your ass for stupidity.
As the cab finally arrives at the police impound Slade gets out and pulls his huge red sack from the seat as Seann gets out from the opposite side. They approach the tender and pass all information required for them to release the truck. Slade pays the police the money and then waits with Seann as they bring his truck around. Craven smiles while he examines his vehicle then tosses his sack in the back of the truck and gets inside. Seann climbs in the passenger door and shuts it as Slade cranks up the engine. It roars to life and then Slade flips a switch and the battery ran fans begin as well. The characters in the bed of Slade’s truck inflate and Slade begins to drive off. He knows where he is heading, Slade is going to the mall.
Saturday mornings are usually a time for cartoons for children, but not today. Instead any child who happens to be at the South Coast Plaza gets a special treat. Inside the mall are several things, gigantic Lego constructions at the toy store, the huge merry-go-round in the center of the mall and even Santa is here at the mall. As we see all the children lining up with the opportunity to sit in Santa’s lap and request a wonderful Christmas, we also see Santa has two beautiful elves with him. Of course this is California and they would not have any other kind of elf. As the next child a young boy no older than five takes his seat, we see a close up of Santa Clause who speaks in a bellowing, deep voice.
Santa Craven- Ho, Ho, Ho. Hello young man, what would you like for Christmas?
Boy: Santa, I would like a Play Station 3 and the new Batman game.
Santa Craven- Well of course you do son. But you know what else you want? You want to see Slade Craven beat Level One at A.P.W. Christmas Chaos don’t you?
Boy: Well, I really want a Play Station 3, Santa. I’ve been good this year.
Santa Craven- Well of course you have and its exactly why Santa can assure you that you will have a spectacular Christmas, especially when you see Slade Craven become the next A.P.W. World Champion.
Craven takes a photo with the child and then hands him an autographed photo of himself. The boy jumps down and Slade waits as the hot blonde elf brings in the next in line. It’s a little brother and his sister. They come and sit on each of Santa’s knees.
Santa Craven- Whoa, hello children.
Both kids simultaneously: Hi Santa.
Santa Craven- And how have you too been this year?
Second boy: I was a good boy, but she misbehaved.
Girl: Nuh-Uh, he was the one causing trouble.
Slade begins to laugh, and the fat suit he wears jiggles with joy. He looks at the children.
Santa Craven- Children, children, don’t you know that fighting puts you on the naughty list? Come on, now both of you want to see something that will put you on the nice list, that way Santa can grant you a very Merry Christmas.
Girl: What’s that Santa?
Santa Craven- You want to see Slade Craven kick the crap out of Level One in a little over a week, don’t you kids?
Second Boy: Yeah I do!
Girl: Whose Slade Craven?
Santa Craven- Slade Craven is the guy who likes to make the fans happy. He does everything he can for the people. Level One is the man who wants to rob and steal your presents from beneath your tree. We cannot let that happen, that’s why you want Slade Craven to win when he fights Level One next weekend. Isn’t it?
Girl: I think so.
Santa Craven- That’s right, and with you kids supporting Slade Craven, you know Santa is going to make sure you wonderful Christmas. Ho, ho, ho.
Slade and the children smile as the red headed beauty in the elf costume snaps the photo of all three of them. Once again Santa Craven produces an autographed photo of each Slade for each of the children. They smile and scamper off to their parents who watched the whole thing with a strange look on their face. This is how Slade is handling his community service. He is playing the mall Santa every day for the next five to six days. He has other plans to for community service, but this is how he intends to work off the majority of it. Slade pats his knee and then the blonde brings the next child forward, it’s a third boy.
Boy three: Santa? Why are you here? Don’t you have a job to be doing?
Santa Craven- Why young one, Santa is doing his job. He is spreading the good word of Christmas, have you been a good boy this year?
Boy three: You know that stuff doesn’t matter, We all know I tell you what I want, my parents hear and they go and buy it for me and you take all the credit. So what’s the point? What are you doing here, ‘Santa?’
Santa Craven- Well young man, it looks like you need a little bit of Christmas faith son. You have to understand that Santa likes to be able come here and spread a little joy in your life. That’s why Santa is here. Your parents, they want to be able to give you what you want for Christmas, but sometimes everyone needs a little help. So you have to have a little more faith, okay?
Boy three: Well, I don’t know seems kind of crazy Santa.
Santa Craven- So do a lot of things my boy. Now lets talk about something a little more important than Christmas.
Boy three: Oh really? There is something more important to you than Christmas?
Santa Craven- Yes, A.P.W. Christmas Chaos.
Boy three: A wrestling show? That’s more important than Christmas to you?
Santa Craven- Young one, that is the show that will decide if people get to have a Merry Christmas. Because the Ghost of Christmas Kick…
The blonde elf shakes her head and stops Santa from finishing that statement as he looks at the young kid who is no older than eleven. Santa Craven smiles from beneath his beard then continues speaking.
Santa Craven- Yes, because the man who defends Christmas, Slade Craven will be fighting the real Grinch who wants to end Christmas. He does not want anyone to be happy that day. He wants to destroy it, and ruin your gifts, and everything of that nature. That man, that fiend son, is Level One. You cannot believe how much he despises everyone who wants joy and happiness. Level One will wreck Christmas, he has every intention of it and with your encouragement Slade Craven can triumph. And then Santa will be able to make sure every has a very Merry Christmas. But if Level One is able to win, then Santa could be in real trouble. So you see how dire it is that each and every little boy and girl in the world needs to be voicing their desire for Slade to overcome.
Boy three: Sounds like a load of crock to me.
Santa Craven- Well son if that is how you feel about it then, you need to understand Santa will not be able to ensure your Christmas.
Boy three: And that’s why you’re full of it.
Santa Craven- Wow, you got quiet the mouth on you son.
Boy three: You’d know wouldn’t you, you pedophile.
Santa Craven- Pedophile? That’s a big word for an eleven year old.
Boy three: Eat me Santa.
The kid hits Santa in the nuts and turns and smiles as Santa Craven leans forward in pain, the picture is snapped and he jumps off and runs away quickly. From beneath the beard and hat Slade Craven thinks to himself. “Maybe this wasn’t such a hot idea.” As the blonde elf gets ready to bring another child to Santa Craven’s lap, he holds up his hand and stops her.
Santa Craven- Not just yet, children, Santa needs a moment. Please.
As Slade gets out of the seat two guys, one fat and wearing an overcoat, the other skinny with long blonde hair and has on a black watch cap ambush him. The fat guy grabs him in a full nelson and the skinny says.
Jason: This is for Brodie!
He begins wailing on Santa Craven as the people look on in horror. All we can hear is the hot blonde screaming above the children’s voices.
Blonde: He’s not the Easter Bunny!
The view slowly drifts upwards as the two continue to kick the crap out of Santa Craven in front of everyone.
Its been a few hours since Slade’s wondrous ass kicking at the hands of the two rascals in the South Coast Plaza mall in Costa Mesa. Slade is now staying at the Crowne Plaza of Irvine where he is trying to catch up on some recovery. In the room with him having a beer is Seann, someone who witnessed the whole ordeal at the mall, but didn’t intervene.
Slade- Yeah you want to tell me why you didn’t help out while I got my ass handed to me?
Seann: Cause it was too damn funny. Why didn’t you fight back?
Slade- Lets see, nut punch, sucker punched and those kids didn’t need to see Santa do things they should try to emulate.
Seann: But the fetal position is okay?
Slade- Eat me.
Seann laughs as he hands Slade a bottle of Brisk Ice T and then takes a seat in the chair.
Slade- Thanks.
He opens the bottle and takes a big drink of it as Seann looks at his watch.
Seann: Alright man, I got to be going. My flights in an hour and a half.
Slade- I can’t believe you aren’t staying through the pay per view. I figured you of all people would want a front row ticket when I become a World Champion again. Its been how long since I held a belt of that level?
Seann: Years, I know. But you know, its not about you this time man. The family needs me. The wife knows the only reason I came out here was to bail your ass out.
Slade- You never were able to reach Shadow were you?
Seann- No, no one has heard from him.
Craven sighs as Seann gets up and heads for the door. He stops as he passes Slade and shakes his hand.
Seann: Just get you shit together on this alright? Shadow will turn up, he always does.
He walks from the room as Slade sits there and waits. He knows he could be taking his friend to John Wayne Airport, but Cindy Shannon is going to be showing up to conduct an interview with Slade in a few moments. There are so many questions that Slade needs to answer. So as he waits he allows himself to think about the questions he is going to answer tonight, and the ones he plans on answering Thursday night. His eyes flutter shut for a few moments and Craven sort of drifts off into a minor nap. There are a bunch of questions that everyone wants to know. The main one people are aching to hear, is ‘why?’ Slade plans on answering that one, he has a great answer for it too. Then the knocking at his hotel room door wakes him from his zoned out state.
Slade- Yeah?
From beyond the door we hear a soft beautiful voice.
Cindy: It’s Cindy Shannon, Slade.
He gets up and answers a door without a shirt on. Cindy gives him the skeptical look knowing Slade is a moron. She walks in.
Cindy: Put a shirt on Slade and lets do this.
Slade- I just woke up?
He walks over and grabs a belt for his jeans and then a shirt.
Cindy: Sure. Whatever, lets get this over with star-shine.
Slade dons his shirt and looks at her, the camera man in the room fixes the lighting so that there is enough for the camera. Then he takes a knee and readies himself as Cindy raises her mic. Slade stops her and asks.
Slade- You’re in a hurry tonight. What’s the deal?
Cindy: Slade I am honestly sick of having to come around and conduct interviews with you when you pull these outrageous shenanigans. Everyone wants to know what the hell is on your mind when you do these things and I get stuck with the interviews. Why doesn’t Shane West come and talk to you?
Slade- Because we make fun of him. He doesn’t like conducting out interviews, plus we charge him.
Cindy: And why don’t you do that with me?
Slade- Cause girls are hot, and men are idiots.
Cindy: Yeah, you are.
Slade- Just take it easy sugar-bumps. Lets rock this.
Cindy: Don’t call me that again, roll camera.
She turns to the camera before Slade can say another one, and puts on a smile as Slade abruptly shuts up and she begins to speak.
Cindy: Hi! This is Cindy Shannon, live with the number one contender for the A.P.W. World title, Slade Craven. Now Slade despite what has happened in the pas couple of days everyone’s real question is how is your leg?
Slade- Hurts like hell, but that’s fine, Level One wants to play dirty, “The Main Man” can play dirty. You see, Level One is scared Cindy, he hears it in the distance. Tick tock, tick tock. The seconds falling away, his hour coming up. “The Main Man” said a long time ago that he would show Level One what a true competitor looked like. And months ago Slade did just that. Now, while “The Main Man” didn’t come out on top then, Slade lives for the phrase, ‘the times they are a-changing.’
Cindy: So what do you intend to do about his attack?
Slade- Retribution Cindy, that’s what this is all about. Level One has spent the past few weeks living in fear, knowing that the Ghost of Christmas Kick Ass is coming to pay him back for everything he has done this past year. Level One is on the naughty list and we all know what they get for Christmas. This is all Christmas with Craven, Cindy. And Slade has a bunch of presents to hand out this year. The first is, “Mr. Back of his Hand,” followed up by his Wiley sidekick, “Mr. Foot in your Ass.” Come Chaos, everyone gets to see Slade hand out gifts left and right, all for Level One.
Cindy: And what do you want for Christmas, Slade?
Slade- That’s an excellent question Cindy. What does ole Slade Craven want for Christmas this year? Well we all know he wanted a shot at the A.P.W. World title, we know he wanted the opportunity to whip Level One’s ass, so what else is there? Let’s say Slade wants to give the fans the show of a lifetime at Christmas Chaos, Cindy. Slade has a lot of desires in this world; food, water, shelter, and you know the thing about all of those? They can be cheap. Craven doesn’t need extravagant things, no, he just needs an opponent and that’s what Jeff has given him. Level One: the ultimate test, one Slade is not going to get a ‘D’ on again.
Cindy: A lot of people would have said you failed last time.
Slade- Sure, they could say “The Main Man” got an ‘F’ but, how does one define failure? Level one slipped by last time, so lets call it a ‘D’ and when Craven comes to the classroom next weekend, he will be bringing fresh pencil and a box lunch. Level One, thinks this is all just a repeat of last time. Eh, Eh! Slade doesn’t like syndication he likes to shake things up. Upset the establishment if you will, that’s why Slade took part in the Experts Battle Royal, to show Level One, Slade would be coming after him on all venues. There is no escape Cindy, “The Main Man” cometh, and he cometh to kick some ass.
Craven pauses for a few seconds while Cindy readies her next question.
Cindy: Okay, Slade speaking of Rival Factions, you drove your truck across the beach there too, why did you do it again? Wouldn’t you think it to be unoriginal?
Slade- Hell no, reckless endangerment is one of the best ways to get people’s attention. Plus since it worked so well to bring people into that packed barn, why not do it here.
Cindy: But you went to jail. That’s the third time in how long?
Slade- Well since “The Main Man” started wrestling, Slade has been in jail a couple of times. At least this time, The A.K.A. did not take a Gorilla Position hostage. No this time there were only a few minor charges which have all been handled. Slade Craven is doing community service, making some donations and doing all of this within a week. Without a doubt it has to be one of the fastest turnarounds in judicial history. Slade Craven will be cleared by Thursday night and ready to compete next weekend. Nothing can prevent that and the fans are sure going to love it.
Cindy: Thursday, that’s a day that’s been said a lot lately. What is going on Thursday?
Slade- The Christmas Chaos pre-show Cindy.
Cindy: I haven’t heard anything about it.
Slade- Well of course not. It’s going to be put on by A.P.W. No instead someone else is hosting it.
Cindy: Who?
Slade- You, and everyone else gets to find out Thursday night.
Cindy: Okay, so how was your first day as Santa Clause Slade?
Slade- Painful, kid hit Santa in the nuts, then Santa got jumped by two stoners, and a littler girl thought it would be a good idea to blow a bubble with her gum in Santa’s face. Now Santa Craven has to find a new beard by morning, otherwise he is going to break a lot of children’s hearts.
Cindy: Slade, we saw you asking children to support you in your match with Level One, why?
Slade- You ask ‘why’ a lot Cindy. Slade talked to these kids about his match with Level One because it was a social experiment. You wouldn’t believe how many people actually like that scum bag Level One. There were all these kids and when it came down to it, they all said the same thing. They think Level One is a douche.
Cindy: They said that?
Slade- Not those words exactly, but any of them who wanted to have a great Christmas knew Slade Craven was going to have to beat the world champ. Otherwise, Level One was going to go Grinch and wreck Christmas and probably violate Santa. That’s not something the kids want to see. So they are putting their hopes behind Slade Craven so that he flat out refuses to say die in that match. Slade always gives the fans what they want, and the kids want to watch Slade walk an Ass Kicking up and down “One’s Load Of Crap.”
Cindy: So after the attacks and the exchanges between you and Level One since One Night in Hell, you feel pretty confident about what you have coming next weekend.
Slade- Correction Cindy, this has been brewing since the Overdrive after One Night in Hell. And yeah, Slade Craven is extremely confident about what’s going. Slade has been whipping ass all month long, and even before you know, with the Axis. Slade was coming out of the rubble still on his feet. What about Level One? He beat Jesse Nunez, which as many know is not hard, then he beat Pence Weatherlight. What else has he done? Cost Slade a match against the O Conner Brothers? Sure, and by the way, they were not happy with that out come. They didn’t want help. No, Slade on the other hand, says okay. Level One thinks that he will rattle “The Main Man” with some interference and an attack? No, Slade is ready, he is anxious and cannot wait for that bell to sound. Christmas Chaos is coming Cindy, and Slade Craven will have one hell of a Merry Christmas. He won’t be sucking dinner through a straw, and although he does like smoothies, Craven is going to eat big, with the World Title as a place mat. Slade is going to Christmas Chaos the number one contender and he is walking out the A.P.W. World Champion. Level One, well, we all know what he will be doing. He will, Rue the Day he Messed with ole Slade!
Craven leans back with a smile and puts his hands on his stomach and begin his Santa Clause laugh. Craven is excited and pumped about Christmas Chaos. Cindy Shannon lowers her microphone as Slade makes the motion of the title belt around his waist. Through all the jokes and all the gags, Slade has plans on taking that title. Until that bell rings, Slade will have some fun, but come game time, its all seriousness. Slade isn’t going to let this chance slip by. Slade will be World Champion.
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