"Here" by P. Hartman
Or there, I should say. I received a poem, which I told the camerawoman was an example of bad poetry, although I don't like poetry and so must admit my opinion means next to nothing. At least on the subject of poetry. We, we know, were supposed to answer the question "Who Am I?"

         I don't know. So I wrote a poem, with large portions of the text borrowed from the movie "Greaser's Palace." Credited within the poem, of course. The reason I borrowed so heavily from an old movie no one probably recognizes was that it rocks. And because I think it rocks, I figured it might be a decent way of relating who I am to a group of people who probably couldn't care less. Not only would no one know what I was writing about, beyond Who am I, the vagueness--the purpose, in my opinion, of poetry--would also serve to answer the question. I chose the opening lines of the song Jessie sings in the movie to begin my poem because Jessie is the Christ figure in the flick and I may as well be God. "I'm a killer diller daddy with a pig in my pants." The rest of it goes something like, "A groove juice Jackson, won't you give me a chance/ solid sender/ Oh daddy beat me to the bar/ You hear me layin' it down/ Oh baby Jessie's back in town! Or something like that. I can't remember, and its on tape, not DVD, so I'm not going to damage the goods by fast-forwarding, stopping, and rewinding it to make this more complete. I figured since I was going with a Greaser's Palace/God theme with the poem that I might "borrow" some more--partly because the movie rocks, and partly because I can't write poetry--and I used another great line from the movie, where the Christ figure names God "Bingo Gas Station Motel Cheeseburger With A Side Of Aircraft Noise and You'll be Gary, Indiana." That might not make any sense, but hopefully everyone will want to borrow the movie, which would help them understand. I wrote the poem on a piece of my notebook paper, because poems should be written on notebook paper, at least in their nascent stages.

         The second thing I was asked to do was to create an image that depicted who I am. Or was. Or something. Was then, I guess. During the class. I drew a picture, again on notebook paper, of a stick-figure Phil. The stick figure's head was upside down. It's shoes were green. The green marker I borrowed from the table, which I used not because I wish I had green shoes, but because I started to feel as if I should use some of the supplies brought in by the presenters. The stick figure's head was upside down because--and here's the Who Am I part--I used to own a shirt that looked just like that. It said "Fix My Head." I don't know what happened to that shirt, and I'll be damned if I can find another one.

         I would just like to add that the Happy Birthday song is trademarked, or whatnot, and somebody owes somebody some money.